Full Disclosure

[gettingstronger]

This is not an indictment on those that choose full disclosure but rather a discussion about it based on:

 

A friend is going through the same thing as I- she chose to tell pretty much everyone about her husbands A- she even had him apologize to the Priest that married them and to her parents- I took the more private route and told no one except them-

 

Her husband has resumed contact-not physical contact- with their OW. When he and I spoke about it he said he felt like everyone thinks he a dirt bag and there is no place "safe" for him- their OW is the only one he felt like still respected him-(note: by nature they are more volatile than my husband and me so they have been fighting more than we have)

 

Question/discussion- if you were "outed" did you feel this way-even if you were not did you feel like your ex-AP could understand you better than most based on them being part of it-and finally, in general-how do you feel about full disclosure-

[BetrayedH]

I think BSs have a right to full disclosure. If the wayward has the right to have a secret affair that breaks their marital contract, the BS has the right to expose the secret to whomever they want. Hell, the courts don't even care about the blatant breach of contract that results in years of a life being wasted so it's understandable that a BS might seek legal means to get even. The fact that exposure is many times "effective" in stopping an affair in its tracks is also a compelling argument to do so.

 

All that said, I don't typically recommend widespread exposure. It compels the wayward to stay with the BS out of guilt, obligation, shame, and perhaps even fear of further exposure. Is this a good reason for the WS to stay with the BS? As a BS, do you really want a wayward that stays with you just for these reasons?

 

As well, if you love your WS and want to stay with them (because they are truly remorseful), do you really want to punish them? One WS here had their affair exposed to their entire church congregation by the pastor on the pulpit. What purpose does this serve? Perhaps the willingness of the WS to go to such lengths helps demonstrate their true remorse but at the same time, is this really such a healthy choice for the BS to make when they want to reconcile? I have serious doubts about it all around.

 

Where I make an exception is with those that deserve to know. When there is another person being betrayed, possibly wasting years of the one life they have, and they are being put at risk of STDs that could kill them, I think they deserve to be able to make an informed choice. Whether other people really need to know...I understand the emotional motivations but I'm deeply skeptical about whether it's really a wise choice. I usually recommend people think long and hard about it.

 

Your point about widespread exposure leaving the WS completely ostracized (and thus seeking solace from the AP) is also a valid one. Predicting the consequences of widespread exposure can be tremendously difficult. If a couple is choosing to reconcile and rebuild the marriage, I have to wonder if telling everyone isn't something that can eventually be regretted, especially since there is no way to untell the story.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

That was me - and I can tell you it served to delay reconciliation and it harmed the children (at least mine - his were too young), families, etc. Obviously I made a poor decision, or this mess wouldn't have happened to begin with, but this route of "discipline" only served to cause more problems. My husband and kids were not even cared for by the pastoral staff. It was very bad.

 

On the other hand, I handled my husbands affair (which I still maintained probably wouldn't have happened if the church had ministered to him like it should have), quietly - I didn't want him going through what I did - no matter what I loved him.

 

it creates an interesting dynamic. My husband now (obviously hindsight) knows that what happened with me was inappropriate. For the most part I believe I have let it go, but there are times (because I am human) that I can't help but think it was because I was a woman that I was treated that way. My xmom got off a lot easier than I did for certain and my husband has not faced scrutiny like I did. But life isn't fair sometimes.

 

Anyway - from my perspective it was a horrible decision and it didn't help any of us - xmom's family included. And anyone you ask around here doesn't believe it was handled right either.

[BetrayedH]

Sorry, lilmiss. Didn't mean to call you out or trigger you.

 

I do think your case is a perfect example of how an emotional reaction can backfire. I do understand how it happens in the wake of a Dday as a BS is rarely thinking clearly. It also doesn't help that it is so readily recommended.

 

I do hope that eventually you can forgive your husband. Frankly, my hope is that you can both find forgiveness for one another.

[Trustnoone]

I have struggled immensely with exposure. I did expose to OM wife, helped to have a second pair of eyes watching. As far as family and friends nobody knows. At times I want to nuke WW and OM for their stupid choices. They have wrecked two families for their own selfish pleasure. Exposing to any others would just cause more pain. I have enough pain at the moment and don't want to have to talk to family and friends which will only increase the pain. My WW is walking on eggshells regarding exposure. WW is stunned I chose reconciliation and haven't destroyed her world. Reconciliation is hard work to begin with, exposure would make it that much more difficult in my opinion.

[Charlie Harper]

If you want full disclosure and tell everyone your S has been cheating and crucify him / her for that prepare for divorce, because you have burned a very important bridge.

 

because all your relatives and friends will treat one as a scumbag and the other like a victim...no relationship can survive that.

[Owl]

I did a full disclosure as well. Friends, family, neighbors...everyone knew that she was all set to leave me for someone she'd never met in person.

 

I will grant that it did cause her to feel (for a short time) like she couldn't 'come back' because everyone knew. I spelled it out pretty clearly to her that it was all part and parcel of her choices...not mine.

 

The vast majority of folks realized that if I forgave her...then they should most likely 'get over it' and accept that we were reconciling.

 

There were some unexpected benefits...one of my sisters had had an EA years before that she'd never disclosed to anyone...but talking with my wife, my sister was able to get my wife to understand things a bit better, and it all worked out to the benefit of our marriage.

 

Personally, I think it's relatively uncommon that 'full disclosure' prevents recovery/reconciliation. On the contrary...it usually is a requirement for it to happen. Once the truth is out, if the WS opts to stay and reconcile...they're going to have to do so under far more scrutiny from many sources than they had during the A. If they resume the A, they'll pay the price that much faster.

 

Anyone who felt I should not have given my wife a second chance was free to share their opinion with me...right up until the point where my decision was made. After that...they either got on board, or went their own way.

 

"Full disclosure" was probably one of the key reasons we were able to reconcile the way that we did.

[Owl]

If you want full disclosure and tell everyone your S has been cheating and crucify him / her for that prepare for divorce, because you have burned a very important bridge.

 

because all your relatives and friends will treat one as a scumbag and the other like a victim...no relationship can survive that.

 

Only if you let that happen.

 

NO ONE treats my wife like a 'scumbag'...because I will NOT tolerate it. Treat her like that, and deal with me directly. Once that was made clear...they quickly got on board. I can't think of a single friend or family member we 'lost' as a result of this.

[Sub]

Only if you let that happen.

 

NO ONE treats my wife like a 'scumbag'...because I will NOT tolerate it. Treat her like that, and deal with me directly. Once that was made clear...they quickly got on board. I can't think of a single friend or family member we 'lost' as a result of this.

 

This is part of the reason I didn't disclose. I had enough to worry about in my decision to R. I didn't have the energy to either consider other people's opinions OR potentially confront them. To each their own, though.

[gettingstronger]

Great points on both sides. I do note on Lils story that the full disclosure was not a decision she was a part of. For you Owl, did your spouse agree to the disclosure? For you Lil, did your husband defend you like Owl did?

[Owl]

Great points on both sides. I do note on Lils story that the full disclosure was not a decision she was a part of. For you Owl, did your spouse agree to the disclosure? For you Lil, did your husband defend you like Owl did?

 

Oh hell no!!! LOL!!

 

I fully disclosed while she was still planning on flying away to another state to live with him...although they'd never met in person (my original post was way back in 2004, if you want to go look up my story).

 

I disclosed trying to get anyone she'd listen to engaged and trying to dissuade her not to go. Frankly...we'd gamed with this guy, but no way to truly know what he was like without having met him in person. I was not only hurt by the whole emotional affair issue...but also very frightened over what my wife might be getting herself into. So I spoke with my family, with her family, with our friends.

 

My wife didn't have any choice or say-so in who I talked to. How could she, given the circumstances? Considering the circumstances, I couldn't see any reason why she should have any input into who I decided to talk with.

 

She was aware that I disclosed when she started getting all those calls from friends and family...she was quite angry about me 'airing our dirty laundry' at the time...but as I said, didn't have a leg to stand on in that argument.

 

Once she chose to reconcile, she could understand what I did, and why. Even though it wasn't 'comfortable' for her, it was still done with love and her best interests in mind, and she could see that.

 

But she sure wouldn't have signed up for it ahead of time!

[harrybrown]

Sometimes there are unhappy consequences when you choose to cheat.

 

The BS is in a world of hurt for years. If the WS does not have their head out of the clouds, it does help to bring reality to the selfish acts of the WS.

[gettingstronger]

Owl, your situation almost feels like an intervention. Was your goal to save her from making a huge mistake by taking off for this person regardless if she returned to you or not?

[Owl]

Owl, your situation almost feels like an intervention. Was your goal to save her from making a huge mistake by taking off for this person regardless if she returned to you or not?

 

My goal was both.

 

Save the wife, and save the marriage (if possible).

 

And just to make sure no one mistakenly thinks me a saint...I also spelled out to her clearly that if she chose to go to him...to "be with him"...there was no coming back.

 

Had she got on that plane...there would have been no home for her to return to here. That was my 'line in the sand'.

 

And I'd given that some thought...it wasn't an idle threat. Had she got there and found things weren't as she'd planned, I'd have helped her to relocate to her sister's house, or wherever else she wanted to go...but not back into MY life.

[Spark1111]

In the aftermath of DDAY, who said anyone was contemplating reconciling? At least for the right reasons?

 

Based on the text I fatefully intercepted to his OW, it sounded like he needed more time to amass some more money before he would leave me.

 

Believing I was surely headed for eventual divorce on HIS terms, I made it easy for them bY throwing him out, changing the locks, and telling our closest family and friends because I needed support to weather the betrayal and to prepare for a future alone.

 

I thought I was doing him, her and I a huge favor by honestly disclosing what he had told her.

 

Why prolong the deception any longer now that I knew what his true plans were?

 

He alternated between being very angry to asking to reconcile, but I sensed it was out of shame, fear of the unknown, and a real desire to have me return to the status quo so he could resume the affair.

 

I wasn't having it. Sure, on days I was raging or not picking up the phone, he turned to her. It was the only safe place he had left.

 

I do not regret it. How was I to know the level of deception, fantasy and future-faking fog in an affair?

 

And like Owl, when I felt his remorse was real months later, we started reconciling and anyone unhappy about that would have to answer to me and I can be a force to be reckoned with.

[Fluttershy]

I think every situation should be evaluated sperately as to the need to tell. I think honesty is good but so is tact and discretion. I think people should heavily consider the ramifications of scorched earth. I will also question how healthy it is for a R to happen because of shame of exposure. I would aay if a couple R it would be despite the scorched earth not because. But, if a couple seperate then that is different. But not every couple seperate before R. It isn't a must. And neither is airing your marital problems to the world.

[Red123]

I agree that it is up to each couple how they should handle disclosure to the people outside of their M. I choose not to tell my family for a number if reasons. One being they all talk to each other so much that telling one is like telling everyone. Another is that if we are successful in R I don't want to deal with judgment and my family can be great at that too. Another is the pain that it will cause them, I know it sounds weird but my sister loves my H so much and has since she was a child(we are many years apart in age) that it would be really hard for her to understand and my grandma isn't well and she takes comfort in me being strong and my life being in order. My H told his mom and one friend and I told 3 close friends. Somedays I wish I could tell my mom and grandma to get support as my friends haven't been through this and my grandma has always been my rock. But this is the way it is. I don't regret this choice it's just hard some days.

[oldshirt]

The first question one needs to ask, is what is the purpose of the disclosure and what are your objectives in general?

 

If you are just want to mudsling then plan on everyone getting muddy including yourself. If you are just wanting to hurt the WS and garner sympathy for youself, I don't see how that could not hurt your chances for either a reconciliation or a sane, amicable divorce.

 

I think if the BS is ultimately hoping to R, it could be helpful to ask for some support from some close members of the WS' s family.

 

I would not reccommend immediate or knee-jerk disclosure to the BS' s friends and family. Once disclosure is made to the BS friends and family they will never fully accept or look at the WS again and that could seriously undermine R attempts.

 

It doesn't matter if you say that they will have to answer to you if they treat the WS and it doesn't matter how much you huff and puff and try to defend the WS, the BS family is forever going to have a beef with them.

 

My recommendation is only disclose to the BS side of the family when all attempts at R are exhausted and D is pretty much inevitable or there is something that is undeniable like a formal separation or something taking place.

[Charlie Harper]

Spot on! old shirt..I always wonder why people want to keep everything IN the marriage but once there are problems all the dirt should be ventilated OUT the marriage...

 

I know lots of people, who are friend with "someone who cheated" and they say things like : Mr. X wife, you know the one who used to cheat on him with mr Y" even after years...

 

Once you scold your S to the outside world...he will be either a "poor" victim" or a low life cheater.

 

Even if they pretend they don't care...

[Owl]

The first question one needs to ask, is what is the purpose of the disclosure and what are your objectives in general?

 

If you are just want to mudsling then plan on everyone getting muddy including yourself. If you are just wanting to hurt the WS and garner sympathy for youself, I don't see how that could not hurt your chances for either a reconciliation or a sane, amicable divorce.

 

I think if the BS is ultimately hoping to R, it could be helpful to ask for some support from some close members of the WS' s family.

 

I would not reccommend immediate or knee-jerk disclosure to the BS' s friends and family. Once disclosure is made to the BS friends and family they will never fully accept or look at the WS again and that could seriously undermine R attempts.

It doesn't matter if you say that they will have to answer to you if they treat the WS and it doesn't matter how much you huff and puff and try to defend the WS, the BS family is forever going to have a beef with them.

 

My recommendation is only disclose to the BS side of the family when all attempts at R are exhausted and D is pretty much inevitable or there is something that is undeniable like a formal separation or something taking place.

 

This is simply untrue. It's not the case my situation whatsoever...my family has absolutely zero issue with my wife. Nor do they have any issue with my decision to reconcile.

 

Sorry folks...but my true-life experience is completely the opposite of what you're trying to insist must be true.

 

It MAY be the case for some folks...and I'd agree it's a possible outcome that BS's should consider...but I can flat out state that it's not how things played out in my own life, in our reconciliation.

[HermioneG]

This is simply untrue. It's not the case my situation whatsoever...my family has absolutely zero issue with my wife. Nor do they have any issue with my decision to reconcile.

 

Sorry folks...but my true-life experience is completely the opposite of what you're trying to insist must be true.

 

It MAY be the case for some folks...and I'd agree it's a possible outcome that BS's should consider...but I can flat out state that it's not how things played out in my own life, in our reconciliation.

 

Agreed. My experience follows yours.

[gettingstronger]

Great input from all sides. I do believe what makes it hard for this couple is by nature they are quite volatile. The disclosure was a match on gasoline. Big, wealthy family from NJ that thrives on drama. I feel like there are as many good reasons as bad ones for disclosure and unfortunately dday is such a shock sometimes people pick the route that's not best for them. For those of us that have so far been successful in reconciliation, what a blessing that is.

[Spark1111]

Agreed. My experience follows yours.

 

As does mine.

[janedoe67]

A lot of it may depend on someone's definition of reconciliation.

[Spark1111]

Great input from all sides. I do believe what makes it hard for this couple is by nature they are quite volatile. The disclosure was a match on gasoline. Big, wealthy family from NJ that thrives on drama. I feel like there are as many good reasons as bad ones for disclosure and unfortunately dday is such a shock sometimes people pick the route that's not best for them. For those of us that have so far been successful in reconciliation, what a blessing that is.

 

I could not agree MORE that it turned out to be a blessing for us.

 

As for having his family give good counsel, well...that was virtually impossible.

 

They avoided our conflict....at all costs...because that is what they do when things get messy.

 

But those who love him still do so. Again, zero issue there today.

 

And yes, it is hard to know what route to pick when confronted with infidelity. Betrayal is crazy-making.

 

I'm proud of the route I took when I think it could have been far, far worse and often is for many others. I drew my line in the sand, clearly stated boundaries of what I would or would not accept in the future going forward and stuck to it.

 

he was (and has always been) free to choose his response to me.