Shall I reply to Ex?

[Tally123]

Where do I begin...I am finding this extremely difficult and would welcome some words of support.

 

Nearly two years ago I met an amazing man. Not my usual type but we hit it off straight away and I could tell he was different from the rest. After a few months he told me he loved me and I could feel how much he loved me, i too fell in love with him.

 

Everything was fantastic, as it usually is at the beginning, i was so happy, but soon the jealousy, the paranoia, the accusing starting creeping in (on my part). I had been cheated on in the past and this played a factor. But mostly i have come to realise its down to my low self esteem, worried that he might cheat on me, leave me etc etc. The list is endless. I started becoming a bit annoyed if he wanted to go out with his friends, would see it as a negative on our rship ("why would he rather go out with them than spend time with me") - pathetic! Let me say that he wasnt always perfect, I caught him on FB in early hours of morning, he said the online stamp was wrong, little things that he hid from me, little lies here and there, but he said he only hid them from me to make me happy and to not cause arguments.

 

It came to a head last week. He was so annoyed at me. I made a horrible comment about him and other girls and I think he has had enough. He has asked for space as as he felt at this precise moment in time is that he wanted to break up but he didnt want to make any rational decisions and decisions based on anger.

 

We both agreed that if we can sort this crap out we can be happy!

 

So that is my story. We are not speaking much but are seeing each other this weekend. Im heartbroken to say the least. I realise this is probably totally my fault, but I felt that he wasnt as loving as he was before, which in turn made me more paranoid. All i want to do is to reach out to him, tell him how much I love him, but I am pretty sure thats not the right thing to do. Shall I just totally back off?

 

if anyone was wondering, no I am not a 21 year old girl but a 30 year old woman!

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this post.

 

T

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

I done the same thing... BU 8 months ago and really reflecting on it this morning... u HAVE to back off dont make the same mistakes I did u will only push him further away x

[Tally123]

I done the same thing... BU 8 months ago and really reflecting on it this morning... u HAVE to back off dont make the same mistakes I did u will only push him further away x

 

It is taking every fibre of my being not to text him but I will not. We texted a bit this morning but not since. If I lose him over my actions, I am not sure what I will do!!

[Tally123]

Guys - Im sorry to be a bore, but i am sitting at work crying and just dont know what to do and what is the best course of action! This sucks a**e!

[Tally123]

Hi everyone,

I have been on these boards looking over posts etc, and a lot of you have been great support to ppl in my situation.

 

I split with my bf of just over a year and a half, a month ago now. To say it has been difficult is an understatement. I was nowhere near perfect and had jealousy/trust issues, but I loved him with all of my heart and would have done absolutely anything for him. To me he was my future husband and the father to my future children.

 

We have spoken a few times since by text (once initiated by me, three times him). I am feeling an overwhelming sense of wanting to contact him today. Part of this is because I miss him terribly and I feel he has totally moved on, the other part is because I have it in my head that he is dating/with someone. I have not seen evidence of this, but are a few signs etc. I want to ask him if he IS with anyone - Now I know this is the most terrible idea ever. He would either tell me he is (unlikely for a dumper to tell a dumpee the truth if that was the case), or say he isn't and I would either try to believe him or think he is lying anyway.

 

I am just in a lot of pain. I don't know what to do or where to turn. We are still friends on social media which I know does not help but I cannot seem to let that go. It's all I have left of him....actually I know in reality I have nothing left of him

 

Thank you

 

T

[Brutus]

You are in a limbo. You can either decide to stay there or to step out. It is up to you, but you know what would be the best thing to do.

[johnpatric]

Well first of all you decide that what you have to do if you really want him back in your life then just give him just space don't get rush take it easy and keep in touch in him.. and one more thing Be the person he fell in love with. He was attracted to you because he felt good with you, and you were fulfilling his emotional needs. How have you changed? Correct bad habits and mistakes, if any. Be positive around him. Laugh and smile. Always stay positive to feel good about yourself and make friends around you feel good because of you.

[Tally123]

Thank you for your replies. I have given him space, but that is not with the intention of us getting back together. I think have resided myself to the fact that we will not be getting back together and that it is over for good.

 

I thought I was doing better, but now I am in an unhappy place again. I feel as though my life is not good at the moment and filled with sadness - while his is fantastic and he is being happy and enjoying every minute of his life without me. Although I love him and wish him only the best from life, I cant help feel sad at this?! I know that sounds weird.

 

I know I need to make things easier for myself, but I am constantly checking his instagram and whattsap to see what he is doing. I know this is very unhealthy but it gives me some kind of connection to him in the worse possible way.

 

I feel stuck! Only I can get myself out of this, but how! I don't think I am strong enough

 

T

[Elle1975]

Hi everyone,

I have been on these boards looking over posts etc, and a lot of you have been great support to ppl in my situation.

 

I split with my bf of just over a year and a half, a month ago now. To say it has been difficult is an understatement. I was nowhere near perfect and had jealousy/trust issues, but I loved him with all of my heart and would have done absolutely anything for him. To me he was my future husband and the father to my future children.

 

We have spoken a few times since by text (once initiated by me, three times him). I am feeling an overwhelming sense of wanting to contact him today. Part of this is because I miss him terribly and I feel he has totally moved on, the other part is because I have it in my head that he is dating/with someone. I have not seen evidence of this, but are a few signs etc. I want to ask him if he IS with anyone - Now I know this is the most terrible idea ever. He would either tell me he is (unlikely for a dumper to tell a dumpee the truth if that was the case), or say he isn't and I would either try to believe him or think he is lying anyway.

 

I am just in a lot of pain. I don't know what to do or where to turn. We are still friends on social media which I know does not help but I cannot seem to let that go. It's all I have left of him....actually I know in reality I have nothing left of him

 

Thank you

 

T

 

Delete his phone number. Hopefully you don't know it by heart. That will fix your problem.

 

Also, keep in mind that you have no "right" to ask him if he's dating anybody, since it's over. And if you're hoping for an (unlikely) reconciliation, that would make you look needy and you'd blow up any chances at reconnecting in a few months. Maybe that will motivate you not to text him. I say unlikely because the majority of the break ups do not end in a reconciliation. I will add that I am sorry if it sounds rude. My intent is not to hurt your feelings.

 

I would encourage to stay away. I find that contacting an ex you've just broken up with is a bad idea. It's setting yourself up for more heartbreak.

[jbelle6]

I recommend blocking him on social media for a while. I think it is holding you back more than helping.

 

He is happy and enjoying his life, you deserve that too.

[Tally123]

I have deleted his number several times only to re-save the same when he texts me. FB is more of an issue for me....if he is in, who is he messaging, if he hasn't been on it FB for some time, is he out and who with...ridiculous!

 

I have been quite dignified in the break up (to him) and would not ruin that by texting him, I hope. I just go through strong phases of wanting contact, but I know that this would not help me. He has a number of my stuff and I am owed money by his friend (not too much), but I would never contact him about these things.

 

I am just finding it very difficult, the thought of him with someone else, the man I love more than anything in this whole world - how is that fair?

 

As time goes on I know that he is getting over me/us (if he hadn't already) and I am still here longing, missing and wishing for something that I hold no relevance to. That is a hard thing and a massive blow to my already shattered self esteem.

 

T

[Randomised]

Tally123, I just wanted you to know I'm going through something very similar.

 

Two and a half weeks ago my girlfriend ended our relationship of 5 years. She said she does not feel the same way about me anymore. It was something she has been thinking about and we were not fighting.

 

Since the break up I went into an emotional roller coaster. I was shocked, angry, sad, depress, I feel really empty and that my life has no meaning. Even though I know we have no hope of getting back together, the thought of her being with someone else just kills me. Although I have deleted her contact details, I still check her FB once or twice a day and have not found the courage to block her yet.

 

I don't have any answers to how to make you feel better, but you should know there are others who understand what you're going through. I honestly believe things will get better, for the both of us.

[Tally123]

Hello, I wrote on here a few days ago with my story of breaking up with my ex bf of a year and a half. I was and am still heartbroken. what has made it harder is that I think I pushed him to it eventually. He is one of the nicest people I know and never mistreated me.

 

The problem - He has text me numerous times since we split and again this morning. Do I reply?? I know the general consensus would be "hell no - he dumped you" but what if the dumper isn't a horrible, vindictive person, but just someone who you wasn't compatible with and had to take your low self esteem issues for too long?

 

Help?!

 

thanks T

[David87]

If he initiated the breakup then ignore him, he has to do a lot more than just send you a couple of texts.

[martaldn]

what did he text you?

[David87]

I'm guessing it was something real brief like ''hey, how are you''........

[KaliLove]

It depends on what he said, but if he's just checking up on you then you should write back and tell him you cannot be friends and to please stop contacting you. Then you need to go complete NC and ignore all future contact.

[Humblebumble]

I think a lot of people say ignore, but I've been through by share of being the ignored one. I think communication would save us a lot of heartache. Honesty hurts a lot when it comes to romantic relationships, but it's like stabbing you with a disinfected knife. Because you see things for what they are, and you don't get confused. Just communicate, ask what he wants. Tell him you still care, if you feel like you can tell him. Just be grounded about it. Don't expect anything.

 

Hope this helps.

[Zahara]

I think a lot of people say ignore, but I've been through by share of being the ignored one. I think communication would save us a lot of heartache. Honesty hurts a lot when it comes to romantic relationships, but it's like stabbing you with a disinfected knife. Because you see things for what they are, and you don't get confused. Just communicate, ask what he wants. Tell him you still care, if you feel like you can tell him. Just be grounded about it. Don't expect anything.

 

Hope this helps.

 

In reading your thread and in response to the OP, yes, communication will save you a lot of heartache but there is no need for communication when two people have come to terms of ending, which means there is nothing to talk about anymore -- as well as ceasing communication when you are hurting, grieving and healing to help you move on.

 

If your broke up with an ex that was never hurtful or horrible to you, yes you can communicate with them but ONLY when you have reached a level of indifference. If you have to post and ask if you can open contact, it definitely means you aren't ready and going into it with "no expectations" is unrealistic. When you still harbor emotions, it is difficult to adhere to that mindset.

[KaliLove]

I think a lot of people say ignore, but I've been through by share of being the ignored one. I think communication would save us a lot of heartache. Honesty hurts a lot when it comes to romantic relationships, but it's like stabbing you with a disinfected knife. Because you see things for what they are, and you don't get confused. Just communicate, ask what he wants. Tell him you still care, if you feel like you can tell him. Just be grounded about it. Don't expect anything.

 

Hope this helps.

 

When you were the one being ignored, were you the dumper or the dumpee? OP is the dumpee. Her ex is tossing out breadcrumbs and they will only serve to keep her attached and hopeful when really, most of the time they mean nothing.

 

Unless your ex is telling you they want to talk about reconciling, NC is the only thing that won't prolong your pain. Yes it hurts like hell at the beginning, but it's for a reason.

 

The best thing to do is to tell your ex that you cannot just be friends and that keeping in touch is too painful. That will make it clear that you are willing to discuss reconciliation but not accept breadcrumbs.

[Tally123]

Thanks Guys,

 

Well yes of course I stupidly replied because I didn't want him to think I was rude (as he text me again). How do I feel now - awful, physically and mentally.

 

There was nothing exciting in the texts, just asking how I am, wanting to know about a holiday I booked etc. I told him I cant be his buddy and he said he understood but that HE likes knowing how I am and HE is interested. No thoughts of how him texting is impacting on me. Oh and he asked me to text him when I hear about a Course I am waiting to be accepted on. No chance!!!!

 

I have now deleted number and all social media outlets. Maybe this was the push that I needed.

 

This is super hard.

 

T

[Zahara]

I have now deleted number and all social media outlets. Maybe this was the push that I needed.

 

It's good that you did this for yourself.

 

He doesn't get the benefit of being a part of your life and receiving updates when he removed himself from it via the break-up.

[Tally123]

Thank you, at the moment I feel stronger for doing it - tomorrow probably not so much. It kills me and panics me to think I will never know how he is, but him breaking up with me was him saying "I am fine with not knowing you or about your life anymore".

 

If he texts again (which I am sure he will) - I hope I have the strength not to text him back. The only reason I would text back is not because I think there could be a reconciliation, but because I do not want to be mean to him, after all I still love him dearly.... huff

 

T

[Zahara]

Thank you, at the moment I feel stronger for doing it - tomorrow probably not so much. It kills me and panics me to think I will never know how he is, but him breaking up with me was him saying "I am fine with not knowing you or about your life anymore".

 

If he texts again (which I am sure he will) - I hope I have the strength not to text him back. The only reason I would text back is not because I think there could be a reconciliation, but because I do not want to be mean to him, after all I still love him dearly.... huff

 

T

 

"I will never know how he is." The thing is, when your emotional attachment to him is gone and you have moved on, this will not be an issue anymore.

 

"I do not want to be mean to him, after all I still love him dearly." In that sense, you have to love yourself more. You entertain contact at the expense of your own feelings because you are sparing his? It's counter productive. He's not emotional. You ignoring him doesn't hurt him. He'll go about his days just fine. You think he was worried about being mean to you when the ending was initiated? He went ahead with it regardless of how you were going to feel. Ignoring him isn't about being mean, it's about self-preservation. It's your first step to loving yourself and re-building your self-esteem.

[Tally123]

"I do not want to be mean to him, after all I still love him dearly." In that sense, you have to love yourself more. You entertain contact at the expense of your own feelings because you are sparing his? It's counter productive. He's not emotional. You ignoring him doesn't hurt him. He'll go about his days just fine. You think he was worried about being mean to you when the ending was initiated? He went ahead with it regardless of how you were going to feel. Ignoring him isn't about being mean, it's about self-preservation. It's your first step to loving yourself.

 

 

Zahara, your last paragraph was 100% spot on. I do suffer from low self esteem and do not think enough of myself as I should. What you have said has hit home, I am putting his needs before my own and that I cannot do anymore. Especially as with him texting me is putting his needs before my own too.

 

I am glad I am on here and can speak to people who know what they're talking about