Let it stay broken, but hurt from trying to fix!

[LustAppeal]

Hey everyone, it’s been awhile since I posted on here. I have been able to help so many of you on this site and sites alike. And finally I need your help, I need to know why it’s so easy to help others, but helping yourself seems impossible. This is a great site and the people on it are extraordinary, sharing past experiences as learning/coping examples. I don’t know if I am writing this for some sort of clarity, or if I just need to vent. But it would mean allot to me if you read it, and gave me a true piece of mind. Thank you so much for allowing me to represent this site in a meaningful way, keep up what you’re doing no matter how repetitive some of it may get.

Here’s what’s been going on the past two days. My relationship was great, but this breakup was monstrous.

 

 

I wish I could say I didn’t see this coming, the past two months have been a struggle, and I act like there’s nothing wrong, like all doubts, all worries, and all anxieties have been pushed away. It just builds and I keep asking myself what could be wrong, what’s holding me back, my head fights my heart back and forth and I don’t know which one makes more sense. It got to the point where I had to keep occupied and so busy that I almost excluded myself from everything around me, I did this because I knew that if I gave myself time to think and contemplate all that would proceed is thoughts of my only fear in life, being alone. I told myself to shut up, that everything was all right on her side, I was only overthinking, that’s all. So I held on with every bit of strength. I pushed past my fears and out of my doubts. But that wasn’t enough.

 

Friday May 16th 2014, I got the text. “There’s a problem with us.” I knew our relationship was cracked, but I spent so much time on those few breaks, I didn’t see the rest of it shattering. I tried to fix it, and I hurt myself even deeper doing so. She had to be up early, and was up all night working, but apparently I wasn’t worth the loss of sleep, the breakup happened the next day over text. I knew it was going to happen, but I didn’t want to believe it. I spent all day walking throughout the city thinking of what to do, I wrote and re-wrote a goodbye letter to give to her. I never believed in letters, but there was so much I wanted to say. I didn’t want to miss out on anything.

 

And still in the back of my mind I thought, what if we worked through this, what if for some magical reason we ended it like a romance movie. But life doesn’t work like that, not this time anyway. She wouldn’t give me the time to say goodbye in person, Seven months of “I love you,” kissing and holding almost every night, making all these dreams, and it “Wasn’t worth the drive.” I would have done anything to hold her one last time, hand her the letter, and walk away. She took that from me and after bagging her to at least explain this, so I could truly know it was over she agreed to phone me late when she got home. At least I’d be able to hear her voice one last time, not a good idea. Her voice had no empathy, like she was un-phased, like she was happy… I told her I knew that she obviously has been thinking of this for a long time now and that I wasn’t going to try and change her mind, but I needed to know why she was ending it.

 

I needed to make sure she knew there was no coming back from this, there was no “Don’t know what you have until it’s gone.” Not this time! She told me that she didn’t have time for a relationship that she wanted to be single, that she hasn’t been herself and needs to find herself again. I tried to understand, everything I did and planned was for her. We planned to move in together because her parents were driving her nuts. We planned to go traveling, because she wanted to go somewhere tropical. We planned to elope, because she didn’t want to spend allot on a wedding. I did all that for her, but she acted like I was putting it on her. Maybe I was, maybe I didn’t see any hints she gave me.

 

Maybe it was just communication that tore us apart.

She let me read the letter I wrote. The letter I so desperately tried to deliver to her only to be hurt more.

 

The letter wrote:

"The memories I shared with you and of our relationship have been nothing but magical. I could never ask to have those taken from me. I remember the first time I fell in love with you, it was right after you kissed me goodbye. I walked down your steps and glanced back only to see you standing behind the door in nothing but a “Cornagin” (What I use to jokingly call a Cardigan), you had this smile on your face like you knew I’d be back for you. That image will always be a cherished memory.

So many memories that have been locked in my heart, you will always have a spot there and I will always love you. It’s time I find someone I can fall in love with again, it’s time we both move towards even greater experiences.

 

I only hope that when you are reminded of me you won’t run from those feelings, and instead embrace them with a smile. Don’t settle for lust, or anything less than what your heart truly wants. You are an amazing girl, and were an amazing girlfriend. We both made our mistakes, and will have plenty more to make. Learn and grow from them and never forget how lucky you’re going to make someone one day.

I was lucky to have you in my life. Thank you for all the great memories, experiences, and allowing me to be a small part of your life!!

 

Goodbye C____,

Forever in my heart

 

-Seany"

 

Along with the note was the first love item she gave me. A metal wallet slip that read:

“I love you more today than I did yesterday. I love you still, I always will, forever and ever I love you. XOXO C____”

 

All I wished for was to say goodbye and get closure. Directly after reading that, all she could say was goodbye, we hung up and that was that. The first girl I was able to say “I love you “ to, was gone.

I walked back inside and was comforted by my cousin and a group of girls. Apparently I left my letter out and they read it, they really helped me realize who I was, and that even if I wasn’t able to give that affection in my relationship, there were people out there who I would one day find and be allowed to love with that passion, and mainly be loved with as much passion as I tried to give.

 

I went home soon after and fell asleep still under shock and not realizing what was going on. I made sure there was closure, but the fact that her reasoning seemed so unclear, just left me wondering. Two days prior she was saying she loved me, and suddenly she says “She had a massive change of heart.” How does that happen, how do you wake up one day and just come to the conclusion you’re better single.

 

The next morning I woke up in me bed “alone.” And instantly started crying, before that moment it had been 5 years since the last time I was able to cry. I couldn’t control it. My head kept saying she was gone, time to start a new chapter, I constantly told myself that, but my heart kept saying she’d be back, that there was hope. It was like my conscious knew it was over, but my sub conscious kept whispering thoughts of hope.

After getting a hold of my thoughts I decided to go for a run and clear my head. I sprinted to the point I began to feel sick, I forgot to drink water and started becoming dizzy.

 

I ran to Assiniboine park bridge walked to the center of it overlooking rushing water below me, held out the wallet slip she gave me, that moment right there is where it truly stuck me it was over. The only think I could relate that experience to is losing a loved one, or better yet almost losing your own life.

I almost lost my life in a military boating accident, everything happened so fast and there was so little I could do I just laid there.

 

It felt like this:

Your breath shortens your hearing fades into the pulse of your heartbeat, you can actually feel blood pump through you veins, and time seems to slow down. My eyes tunneled on that one object of hope.

Then, after shedding a few tears, I tossed it down into the river, turned around, and began running home. I felt relieved, I ran past wedding stores that brought back emotions, the ice cream shop we had an ice cream fight at, and the route we walked just a week prior.

 

I got home and that entire day I had random cry sessions lasting anywhere from 30 seconds to an hour. I went to friends, cried in the washroom where no one could see me. Left for home, cried for an hour in my bed until I fell asleep, woke up and went to a movie with more friends, cried in the theater behind the shaded 3D glasses, and left for home right after the movie only to begin writing this.

I know it’s over, I’m over her, but why am I hurting so much, why do I keep crying after just two days ago I had no clue how to cry. How long does it take for me to repair and move on with my life?

I have no clue what I’m going to do with my evenings now without her, I have no clue how my summer will be, how my love life will be. If she asked to get back together I would deny it as much as it hurt.

 

I need clarity; I have always been able to help others with this situation, why can’t I help myself? I feel like the biggest part of me has died. I don’t know when I’ll be able to date again. The one fear I have in my life is kicking in and I feel like running.

Edited May 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LustAppeal]

I guess what I'm asking, is how long does it take before you stop feeling it. What are ways you have gotten past a breakup where you're left wondering why?

[bubbaganoosh]

Well, your not any different than anyone else who had to experience a break up. Yeah it hurts and you have a ton of unanswered questions but in my experience when I had my guts ripped out by a girl way back in 1968, yeah I know the olden days but music fashion and fads change but being hurt by someone you loved and thought that they loved you the same way will always remain the same.

 

I had questions and waited until 2008 before I was able to ask her why and what happened and what did I do that was so bad for her to do what she did. ( got pregnant by another guy and blamed me) and she gave me the answers.

 

After she did I realized that the answers weren't good enough and it raised another ton of questions.

 

The best thing I can tell you is that right now your at your lowest point. Can't get any lower but every day after it will get better. You may not notice it at first but with time you will.

 

Seems like you have friends that care and that's good. Your not alone and if their good friends they will lend a ear and shoulder for as long as you need it because they care and you would do the same for them. Time heals all wounds. It's true believe me. I lived it and I survived it along with a lot of people her who will tell you the same thing.

 

Best advice I can give you is don't look back. Don't dwell on it and in order to heal avoid contact with her.

 

She might want to contact you and talk but remember, she was on the giving end of the break up and there's a huge difference when your on the receiving end. Any contact will do nothing but set you back to the starting line and then you go through it again. Avoid her and any contact. If she gets mad then so be it, let her. You have to think of yourself not her. She's already three steps ahead of you.

 

Best of luck and you have friends her to help so don't be shy and ask away.

Edited May 20, 2014 by bubbaganoosh

[LustAppeal]

Thanks, it's started to get easier and she has tried to contact me.I told her right away to stop and yes she was upset. I made it so nothing she does on facebook is visible to me, I erased all but one photo, I threw out all items that reminded me of her, and I have talked to multiple friends about this. I'm trying so hard to select who I do talk to, she's a great girl and I don't want them to belittle her from only hearing my side of the story.

 

I know how to get over someone, I've helped many others do so, I just needed clarification that what I was doing was right. This was my first committed relationship and the breakup was rough. Seven months of "I love yous," talking about the future, and she doesn't think it's worth the dive to say goodbye in person. I was willing to sprint across the city if I had to just to get dumped. But that's just me ranting, it shows her true colors and I'll find better. Just have no clue when I'll be ready for another relationship.

 

It's funny, I am great when it comes to dating, I've helped multiple "nice guys" get over social anxiety and sexual tension, yet when it comes to breakups and moving on I seem helpless towards myself.

 

Thanks again I know it was a long post and I pasted it right from Microsoft word so I forgot to separate the paragraphs.