paloma22 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 So I met a fantastic guy on Tinder, in the country on a 6month work visa from Australia. We went on 3 dates in 1 week, and unfortunately I had to move cities (5 hours away) for a 4 month work contract. Very bad timing… On the 3rd date (night before I left) we hooked up, but did not have sex. He stayed the night, it was very romantic. Since then, we text pretty much constantly throughout the day, however he's very funny/jokes a lot, and is hard to read. We've chatted on the phone several times and he's booked a ticket/hotel to come visit me in a couple weeks. The problem is: he's headed back to Australia in July. I know he misses home/his friends, and has a mortgage as he just bought a condo, so there is really nothing keeping him here. I am getting attached and keep fantasizing about sleeping with him when he visits. I worry though that this 'relationship' has an inevitable end and I shouldn't have any false hope. My question is: 1) Would it be a terrible idea to sleep with him when he visits, and 2) How do I figure out where he really stands without outright asking? I am also trying to just 'go with the flow' and enjoy what it is, but I'm still a woman. (as a side note, Im 27 he's 31).
Assasda Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 1.) - I cant believe that youre asking us to tell you whether you should sleep with this man. hahahahahaha. I could give you the names and addresses of other guys that I'd like you to sleep with. But seriously, ma'am youve gotta make that decision on your own. 2.) The man booked a ticket & hotel for you to come see him, and you want to ask him a stupid question like "where we stand". If you want to have that stupid talk with him, why are the thinking about sleeping with him. The ticket and the hotel, should prove where you guys stand. Please dont ask that foolish question 3
Emilia Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 2) How do I figure out where he really stands without outright asking? I am also trying to just 'go with the flow' and enjoy what it is, but I'm still a woman. (as a side note, Im 27 he's 31). There is nothing to figure out. He is leaving in July. This will end. If you are worried that you are getting attached, you shouldn't sleep with him and cut contact. Women are allowed to be rational you know. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 There is nothing to figure out. He is leaving in July. This will end. If you are worried that you are getting attached, you shouldn't sleep with him and cut contact. Women are allowed to be rational you know. I agree with the above. If you think you're already becoming attached, sleeping with him is unwise. It will only hurt more when he leaves.
Author paloma22 Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 1.) - I cant believe that youre asking us to tell you whether you should sleep with this man. hahahahahaha. I could give you the names and addresses of other guys that I'd like you to sleep with. But seriously, ma'am youve gotta make that decision on your own. 2.) The man booked a ticket & hotel for you to come see him, and you want to ask him a stupid question like "where we stand". If you want to have that stupid talk with him, why are the thinking about sleeping with him. The ticket and the hotel, should prove where you guys stand. Please dont ask that foolish question I really appreciate the feedback and yes maybe that was a poor way to phrase the question. I guess the question is more about whether I will lose his interest if I sleep with him when he visits because technically we've only gone out 3 times and normally I wait longer. But then yes, part of me worries it will make me more attached. The reality is that I also love sex, and although I haven't been with that many men, I'm extremely sexual and highly enjoy sex. We have great sexual chemistry, so the desire is there, I'm just (again) trying to rational. You mentioned that since he booked the ticket, he's interested in something longer term, and another responder said its going to end so I should just accept that. Any more feedback on this would be greatly appreciated!
Emilia Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 I really appreciate the feedback and yes maybe that was a poor way to phrase the question. I guess the question is more about whether I will lose his interest if I sleep with him when he visits because technically we've only gone out 3 times and normally I wait longer. But then yes, part of me worries it will make me more attached. See if anyone else says anything else of course but the point I was trying to make is that it makes no difference whether you sleep with him or not because he will be leaving. He is going to keep his interest in you controlled and limited. This will have a short life span and he will not allow himself to fall for you regardless. So you should make a decision based on that. It doesn't matter whether he loses interest since that interest will remain purely sexual. He will comparmentalise it. If he wasn't capable of it, he wouldn't be meeting up with you. 2
HappyLove Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 My crystal ball says your going to sleep with him anyway, even though this is a BAD idea. Then you'll be here writing another post of what to do. 1
hasaquestion Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Sounds like you want to sleep with him and are just looking for affirmation. Anyway, for all intents and purposes, you can: #1 Go for it, have some fun for a few months, keep it in perspective and don't be surprised/disappointed when he leaves. #2 Go for it, get too attached when you shouldn't be, and then be an emotional mess when he inevitably leaves you. Latest would be six months but he could also get bored sooner. #3 Not have sex with him, miss out on some fun, miss out on the potential "heartbreak". Be realistic with yourself about which one you choose. #1 is awesome. #3 is not as fun as #1, but its not a bad choice. Don't be #2. No one wants to be #2. No one respects #2. 2
mammasita Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 **Perspective** First and foremost, you met on Tinder. Now that we have that out of the way. Sure, sleep with him. Enjoy your time, go into this with NO expectations and be ready to accept ANY outcome without ANY regrets. Don't pressure him, don't pester him. Just be in the moment. It is what it is, and that's all you can do. 1
Author paloma22 Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 **Perspective** First and foremost, you met on Tinder. Now that we have that out of the way. Sure, sleep with him. Enjoy your time, go into this with NO expectations and be ready to accept ANY outcome without ANY regrets. Don't pressure him, don't pester him. Just be in the moment. It is what it is, and that's all you can do. Thanks for this. You're right, we met on tinder and I have no clue what his true intentions were on tinder. I am really going to try to just go with it, and not have any regrets. It is what it is, the circumstances are just really unfortunate cause I could see it being more, if he wasn't heading back to the other side of the world.
Frank2thepoint Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Whether you want to sleep with him or not is your decision. Just be mature enough logically and emotionally to accept whatever consequences that may come. But my question to you is, just because he is leaving to Australia in July, does a long distance relationship not suitable for either of you?
Author paloma22 Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 Whether you want to sleep with him or not is your decision. Just be mature enough logically and emotionally to accept whatever consequences that may come. But my question to you is, just because he is leaving to Australia in July, does a long distance relationship not suitable for either of you? I'm happy you mentioned this, as its obviously something I have considered. I don't see how this would be feasible unless one person moved. Also, he hasn't asked to add me to FB or anything like that where I might think he may be taking this more seriously (is this a red flag??). The more I think about it, the more confused I become. We text morning to night, spoke again on the phone today, and yet I still think we both know this will end. He also hinted at how his flight back to Australia leaves from NY during our phone convo today, which makes me think he's throwing in the subtle reminders already… definitely trying to be mature and realistic about things, but its fun to be an idealist too.
Emilia Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 definitely trying to be mature and realistic about things, but its fun to be an idealist too. Just make sure you keep your feet firmly on the ground. He is mentioning the flight already risking putting you off, this means he isn't considering long distance or anything serious.
Frank2thepoint Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 Also, he hasn't asked to add me to FB or anything like that where I might think he may be taking this more seriously (is this a red flag??). There are many other ways, of which are more personal, to keep in touch long distance than just through Facebook. You can email each other, talk on the phone, even Skype as well. Just because he hasn't added you does not mean a red flag. Seriously, Facebook should not be a factor at all for the sustainability of a relationship. But this is my personal opinion. The more I think about it, the more confused I become. We text morning to night, spoke again on the phone today, and yet I still think we both know this will end. He also hinted at how his flight back to Australia leaves from NY during our phone convo today, which makes me think he's throwing in the subtle reminders already… Since you have thought about a long distance relationship, have you shared this thought with your boyfriend? If not, then mention it to him, and if you can, talk about it in person, not over text. See where he stands and if he wants to undertake this new phase of the relationship with you. If you are honestly willing to try, just tell him so, but don't pressure him. If he seems hesitant, or not too keen on the idea, then you know it is the end. I don't see how this would be feasible unless one person moved. Yes someone will have to move eventually, but long distance relationships can work if both members are committed to it. There is additional strain with such a relationship because of the strong need to be close with someone, and making sure you are financially capable of investing into such a relationship. One benefit of long distance relationship is the chance to travel, even suggest rendezvous spots throughout the world. 1
MissionPossible Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 If you want to have sex with him, have sex with him. Don't pick it apart or analyze whether it will "make him lose interest". You are focusing on the wrong angle with that - all you really need to worry about is whether it's right for YOU or not. If this guy is serious about you, sex won't change that, and if he isn't serious, sex isn't going to change that either. Personally I freaking love sex and I sleep with guys when I feel like it's right for me. Sometimes it's right away, sometimes it takes me awhile to get that comfortable, but I can honestly say that not one guy has ever vanished afterwards, and I've never sat around regretting having slept with someone, even if it didn't ultimately work out. Life is short. Sex is fun. If you want to do it, do it and don't act different or needy afterward, just have a good time with no expectation. Whatever's going to happen will happen, and if it's meant to be, it will.
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