Feeling lonely

[mortensorchid]

I was reading the responses to the last thread I posted on promiscuity:

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/477384-possible-too-promiscuous-2.html

 

 

I realize based on responses (not any one in particular) that many are right when they say that I am filling a void in my life. What that void is are a lot of things other than finding Mr. Right. I think there is something else within me, to be sure. I think deep down I just want to be loved. I think we all want that. But, can't seem to attract a good man so I am doing what I am doing with all the others because ... I guess I am lonely.

 

 

I'm sad sometimes, I admit it. But I try to keep as busy as possible in order to distract me from doing things. And it works to a certain extent, but I have realizations and other feelings that creep up on me from time to time.

[shet]

I'm not totally clear on the point here. I'll contribute anyway.

 

In my experience the majority of people develop, in their mid to late teens (at the same time as peer integration begins to introduce romantic partnership) a driving need to be validated by another person. All those ways we were raised to be self sufficient and entertain ourselves go right out the window and everyone reverts back to depending on someone else. It's pathetic.

 

The thing is, everyone feels like this. All those people telling you you're "filling a void", so are they. Everyone on this site is doing, or wants to. People who aren't incredibly anxious to have a partner take no steps to get one and are perpetually single (it's bloody hard work to find and maintain a relationship, you may have noticed). Everyone else expends an awful lot of self denial to cover up the fact that they really frigging need a partner to feel validated and when they find themselves without, try really hard to get one. Everyone. And there's nothing people like that love more than to put on an act like they don't, for everyone else.

[topaMAXX]

I was reading the responses to the last thread I posted on promiscuity:

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/477384-possible-too-promiscuous-2.html

 

 

I realize based on responses (not any one in particular) that many are right when they say that I am filling a void in my life. What that void is are a lot of things other than finding Mr. Right. I think there is something else within me, to be sure. I think deep down I just want to be loved. I think we all want that. But, can't seem to attract a good man so I am doing what I am doing with all the others because ... I guess I am lonely.

 

 

I'm sad sometimes, I admit it. But I try to keep as busy as possible in order to distract me from doing things. And it works to a certain extent, but I have realizations and other feelings that creep up on me from time to time.

 

I went through a few casual hookup stages in the past.

 

It all depends on the person, but, for me, I found it to be unfulfilling and, in some ways, depressing.

 

I'm much happier now spending time getting to know women and not having sex with anyone.

 

To each their own though....

[somedude81]

It's normal to feel lonely.

 

Though I feel that just because you can easily get sex, doesn't mean that you should.

 

I've often wondered what I would do if I could get laid whenever I wanted. Would I go through with it and have empty sex or just wait for something more fulfilling? I don't know.

 

The whole concept of choosing not to have sex to fill the whole in you, sounds so alien to me.

[Smilecharmer]

I think you have some good insight from your OP. I think we do try to fill a loneliness inside of ourselves sometimes with what gives us a small measure of what we really want. Like when you hook up for casual sex, you get the closeness and intimacy you desire but only for a little while. I always think that if we are craving chocolate decadent cake we shouldn't eat chocolate flavored yogurt in order to get something for the craving but should hold out for the real thing. Hugs for your loneliness.

[dichotomy]

From Robin Williams

 

"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone"

 

From Dichotomy

 

You want to find Mr. Right, start acting like Mrs. Right.

[BetrayedH]

I'm not totally clear on the point here. I'll contribute anyway.

 

In my experience the majority of people develop, in their mid to late teens (at the same time as peer integration begins to introduce romantic partnership) a driving need to be validated by another person. All those ways we were raised to be self sufficient and entertain ourselves go right out the window and everyone reverts back to depending on someone else. It's pathetic.

 

The thing is, everyone feels like this. All those people telling you you're "filling a void", so are they. Everyone on this site is doing, or wants to. People who aren't incredibly anxious to have a partner take no steps to get one and are perpetually single (it's bloody hard work to find and maintain a relationship, you may have noticed). Everyone else expends an awful lot of self denial to cover up the fact that they really frigging need a partner to feel validated and when they find themselves without, try really hard to get one. Everyone. And there's nothing people like that love more than to put on an act like they don't, for everyone else.

 

This is a very insightful post. I think A LOT of people go through life chasing validation. In youth, we seek approval from our parents. If they were 'good' parents, they expected a lot from us in hopes that we would excel. If they were 'bad' parents, maybe we never felt love from them. Consequently, it seems that we're always questioning if we're good enough. When we get into our teens, we start getting that validation from others. We want to impress people with how smart we are, or attractive, or stable, funny, independent - you name it. Most of all, I think we want to feel desirable.

 

I don't want to be morbid here but it makes me even wonder if there is such a thing as love. I wonder if we ever really love another person as much as we love how we look to them through their eyes. If they think we're smart, stable, funny, attractive, desirable - then we must be, right? And if it's an attractive person that finds us that way, it's even more validating.

 

Sex with another person is pretty validating. We must be desirable if they just have to have us. But notice, if sex becomes just all about the other person getting a physical release or if we're always the ones that have to initiate sex, then it's not so validating anymore. We don't feel desired; we just feel used.

 

It sure would be nice if we all just felt good enough on our own and didn't 'need' this validation from others. We put ourselves into all kinds of compromising situations while we chase that validation. But as the quoted poster points out, we pretty much all do it.

[sumathi]

Everyone wants to be loved and everyone wants Mr.Right. But you should not feel lonely just because you have not found the love of your life. Do not fall into fickle relationships just to fill the void. Keep yourself occupied with other activities or hobbies. You will definitely find the person with whom you want to spend rest of your life with.Good luck!

[Michelle ma Belle]

From Robin Williams

 

"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone"

 

From Dichotomy

 

You want to find Mr. Right, start acting like Mrs. Right.

 

Excellent response.

 

This has been my experience. We don't attract what we want. We attract what we are.

[salparadise]

I don't want to be morbid here but it makes me even wonder if there is such a thing as love. I wonder if we ever really love another person as much as we love how we look to them through their eyes. If they think we're smart, stable, funny, attractive, desirable - then we must be, right? And if it's an attractive person that finds us that way, it's even more validating.

[...]

It sure would be nice if we all just felt good enough on our own and didn't 'need' this validation from others. We put ourselves into all kinds of compromising situations while we chase that validation. But as the quoted poster points out, we pretty much all do it.

 

There is internal validation and there's external validation. Children who grow up being loved unconditionally (just for who they are, not for performance) develop a strong sense of identity and ability to self-soothe and self-validate. Whereas children who did not have a strong, nurturing bond with the mother, and did not have the opportunity to integrate that unconditional acceptance into their core being, spend the rest of their lives seeking the validation externally that they did not receive during early development when it should've been available to them.

 

In many situations where this fundamental nurturing was disrupted or not available, there is a history of addiction, abuse or other serious disfunction in the family. Combine that with genetic predisposition and it's a recipe for cluster B disorders, borderline in particular.

 

The difference in the way this manifests is that a normal, healthy person may feel a sense of loneliness and realize their need for companionship and social interaction, but it does not create internal crisis and they understand how to take care of themselves (perhaps soothing themselves with a bubble bath, getting a massage, or cooking their favorite meal), while effectively pursuing goals to get what they want and need. But similar feelings seem intolerable to the cluster B people and result in a level of anxiety that motivates irrational, impulsive behaviors. They aren't able to delay gratification and anxiety goes through the roof. They are said to be disinhibited.

 

When sex is motivated by the urge to escape intolerable feelings of emptiness, rather than as a positive expression of love, affection and sensuality, it's serving the same purpose as the drug in cases of substance addiction. Casual sex doesn't cure loneliness/emptiness even temporarily. It masks the issue by giving the person something else all consuming to focus on for a little while... kind of like the way getting drunk fixes your financial problems.

 

The solution is to learn to self-validate and self-soothe, and to enhance socialization so that actual fulfillment can be attained. The problem is that none of this is easy or quick, and some people just aren't interested in doing the work.

[BetrayedH]

There is internal validation and there's external validation. Children who grow up being loved unconditionally (just for who they are, not for performance) develop a strong sense of identity and ability to self-soothe and self-validate. Whereas children who did not have a strong, nurturing bond with the mother, and did not have the opportunity to integrate that unconditional acceptance into their core being, spend the rest of their lives seeking the validation externally that they did not receive during early development when it should've been available to them.

 

In many situations where this fundamental nurturing was disrupted or not available, there is a history of addiction, abuse or other serious disfunction in the family. Combine that with genetic predisposition and it's a recipe for cluster B disorders, borderline in particular.

 

The difference in the way this manifests is that a normal, healthy person may feel a sense of loneliness and realize their need for companionship and social interaction, but it does not create internal crisis and they understand how to take care of themselves (perhaps soothing themselves with a bubble bath, getting a massage, or cooking their favorite meal), while effectively pursuing goals to get what they want and need. But similar feelings seem intolerable to the cluster B people and result in a level of anxiety that motivates irrational, impulsive behaviors. They aren't able to delay gratification and anxiety goes through the roof. They are said to be disinhibited.

 

When sex is motivated by the urge to escape intolerable feelings of emptiness, rather than as a positive expression of love, affection and sensuality, it's serving the same purpose as the drug in cases of substance addiction. Casual sex doesn't cure loneliness/emptiness even temporarily. It masks the issue by giving the person something else all consuming to focus on for a little while... kind of like the way getting drunk fixes your financial problems.

 

The solution is to learn to self-validate and self-soothe, and to enhance socialization so that actual fulfillment can be attained. The problem is that none of this is easy or quick, and some people just aren't interested in doing the work.

 

I agree with all of this. I think I just see it as a matter of degrees rather than normal/healthy vs disordered. I think we all want validation from others; it's pretty consistent across the board and very few people are truly independent enough not to want or need anyone. Certainly, FOO and childhood issues are a major influence on how much we depend on others for validation. But it's a matter of degrees. I think that beyond procreation and physical gratification, humans engage in relationship and sex because it is validating to themselves. I think what is more honest than "I love you" is "I love how you make me feel about myself." On the other wide of the coin, I think it's the reason why breakups and being cheated on hurt so badly. If we just "loved" the other person, we would be happy to see them grow and be with another person that makes them happy. But the reality is that we get much more focused on how it reflects on "us." It feels like rejection, which is the antithesis of validation.

[salparadise]

I agree with all of this. I think I just see it as a matter of degrees rather than normal/healthy vs disordered. I think we all want validation from others; it's pretty consistent across the board and very few people are truly independent enough not to want or need anyone.

 

I don't think that love and caring, or the human need to be social and belong socially, are the same as requiring lots of external validation. People who need a continual supply of external validation are scrambling to fill a void caused by a deficit in their sense of identity. They don't even have enough resources for themselves, and are quite limited in what they are able to give in a relationship. People who do have a strong sense of identity and have positive emotional energy can engage in reciprocal relationships. That's not to say that the don't enjoy validation and recognition, just that they don't depend on it to survive, and they probability give more than they receive without any complaints.