you Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 I know this girl for 1 yr.. She and I started of as online friends and then became phone buddies. We talked for hours average 8 hours daily. it went on for 3 months. I am in the US and she is in India. We both are 29. I decided to fly to india to meet her. I spent 3 weeks with her. We both hit off & fell in love. My parents were dead against it. Here are their reasons.. She does not have a job, age, horoscope and her lavish & partying lifestyle. She lost her dad when she was young & her mom does not work. My dad had a lot of questions.. one was "what her source of income is.." I was in love with her and I fought with my parents for her. But I still needed to answer all my dads queries. I too had that question in my mind, because I haven’t spent yrs with her. Since it was long distance, I asked her. I asked her in a very nice way and she started getting mad, angry and defensive.. “You are so cheap to ask such a question. how can u ask such a question”. I got mad, called her guilty, hypocrite. I just couldn’t understand why she would have a problem sharing these things with me. We were ready to marry.. ain’t these important things to share and know when we are thinking about marriage? Well I was frustrated and we exchanged a lot of anger.. I tried a lot to explain things to her, but she never got it and she started ignoring me.. I told her i am moving on… few weeks back I asked one her friends “who pays when she is out with her friends?”. she got to know I asked such a question.The only reason i asked her friend was becos she wasn’t ready to answer my source of income question.. I started thinking maybe she is hiding something.. its been 2 months since.. the other day the topic came up and she is still mad.. she is like “you ruined this relationship.. you will realize one day.. everything was beautiful b4 you told your dad, you have changed, you are not the same person anymore, I gave you a chance, no point its not the same, things like that".. lil about me.. I want honesty in a relationship.. I think a lot and I am kinda direct.. so I tend to ask questions.. Since its long distance, I have no option but ask her even if its tough questions… But she is always mad and angry.. When i tell her, just talk to me.. share your thoughts.. She is not ready to do that either.. I think she is a totally fallen out of love with me.. i have decided to not contact her again… Its sad that this question ended our relationship. But I still want everyones opinion on this… Is it wrong to ask my girlfriend what her source of income is? What does it mean when she reacts this way.. like angry and defensive??
HappyLove Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 It means you've dodged a bullet and you should be thanking your lucky stars! What rational person falls out of love with someone because they asked about their income? You have every right to know especially if your planning marriage. What a crazy lady! If I go outside right now and meet a man, I can guarantee you one of the first questions within the first 5 minutes will be...what do you do for a living? HUGE RED FLAG that after a year you don't know this about a potential wife! Find yourself someone who isn't shady and hiding things! 7
Eivuwan Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 It's definitely suspicious and there isn't anything wrong with you asking about her source of income. I'm surprise it didn't come up when you first started getting to know each other. 1
devilish innocent Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 I don't think you were out of line for asking that question. It would be a rude question to ask if you'd only just met somebody. But that wasn't the situation at all here. These are the sort of things you need to find out when a relationship is getting serious. If you're hoping to share a future with someone, you're going to need to discuss finances at some point. Why waste too much time on that person if that's going to become an issue later? I feel pretty confident she was hiding something. She can spend that much time on you, but she can't answer such an important question? That just doesn't make any sense otherwise. Especially as she was willing to throw the relationship away as soon as you started investigating things. If she had nothing to hide, she would have just answered the question. 1
soccerrprp Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 OP, you were okay asking about her source of income. Her response and defensive was extreme and she was definitely hiding something significant enough to end a relationship that was leading to marriage and the claims of love.
Million.to.1 Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 How did this not come up before? She doesn't work or do anything work related with her time? How did it go this long without work or whatever coming up in conversation when you were getting to know each other? When you visited her, didn't it cross your mind that she had alot of free time? Maybe her Father was very rich and she and her mother are just living off his estate or life insurance? Seems pretty sad if that's the case. Lazy. Maybe she thinks you are being a gold digger to ask. You have a right to know. You need to know what she plans to do with her life financially if you are going to marry her. I agree that you have dodged a bullet. somethings not right here. Total over reaction on her part. She is hiding something.
angel.eyes Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Some of this is cultural, I suspect. Some of this is HOW you asked. "How are you and your unemployed mother funding your lavish lifestyle" is a very different question than "I'm so excited. Let's draft a budget for our married life together." Both are essentially asking for the same information. Next time around, a more diplomatic approach to the question would be to mention how committed you are to making your marriage work long-term. That difficulties commonly arise in a few areas: child-rearing philosophies, finances, religious beliefs, and communication. You want to work on these upfront and ascertain that you're on the same page since you're planning a lifetime commitment. Learn to care about the other person's feelings, not just your immediate need, and don't put others on the defensive. Then you'll discover that people will be very frank and open with you. 3
Author you Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 angel.eyes.. first off, I really like your reply.. I still remember exactly how i asked her. It was over video chat. I told her.. "XYZ.. Sorry I have to ask you this question. I myself feel embarrassed, but its something I need to know so that I can answer my dad and helps me be over confident about us"... At that time she said okay.. I wait for a month for her reply.. she didnt.. thats when I got mad and called her guilty.. She always knew i am doing all this to make things work and its for our long term.. and I wanted to convince my parents...
Author you Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 Million.to.1: I have asked her b4 what she does and stuff like that.. she told me she did on - off jobs..she hates working.. she spends moms or sisters money.. I didnt care or dig much into it initially because I earn a lot and i felt my wife can be a homemaker and do some part time job.. It's when my dad brought up these questions, that i started asking her and her reactions have been way off... A person who says she is in love shouldnt be reacting this way right?? the problem i am having is the way she reacts... which i dont understand...
Assasda Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 You 2 were supposed to get married??? And you didnt know what her source of income was? That is straight up crazy. I agree that you dodged a bullet. You asked and arbitrary question and she acts like a maniac, shows you what kinda girl she is
angel.eyes Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 angel.eyes.. first off, I really like your reply.. I still remember exactly how i asked her. It was over video chat. I told her.. "XYZ.. Sorry I have to ask you this question. I myself feel embarrassed, but its something I need to know so that I can answer my dad and helps me be over confident about us"... At that time she said okay.. I wait for a month for her reply.. she didnt.. thats when I got mad and called her guilty.. She always knew i am doing all this to make things work and its for our long term.. and I wanted to convince my parents... She is guilty of what exactly? Is this how you will handle conflicts once married? (It's a perfectly valid topic to broach before marrying. It's how you go about it. The tact you used was perfectly okay in many circles in the US. In other parts of the world (and some social circles here), such a direct approach would be considered crass and rude.) Culture matters in how we handle things...yes? You're 29 and financially independent, yet you still need/want your parents' approval of your choice. Another 29-year old on your job wouldn't tolerate having his parents involved in selecting and vetting potential spouses. 1
Grumpybutfun Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 It sounds like an online scam where she wants to marry you for financial security, honestly. Go online and dig online, there may be a few people who have posted about similar scams such as people wanting to get into a developed country, get a green card and then mooches off spouse. Did she ever ask you for money for medical, dental or emergency? Has she ever mentioned exes from other countries outside of India? How was your dating life prior to her? Did she approach you online! You may have missed an old fashioned scammer marrying for material gain. It happens way more than is reported. G 1
Poppygoodwill Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 YOu're entirely justified to ask about her financial situation before you marry her, just as she is entitled to know yours. Among the top five sources of conflict in a marriage is money, so discussing your financial lives and how you both think about spending and saving is *critical* to giving your marriage the best chance. That she's not willing to do that shows she's not maturely thinking about what marriage takes and how to make it work. It does occur to me that if her family are living off insurance and are reasonably wealthy, she might be very defensive about it because many people might have asked for handouts in the past. I know someone who won the lottery and became horrible to be around when the topic of money came up - in any form, even if it didn't involve him. All this is to say is that there's a reason why she's so sensitive about this topic. Maybe instead of asking about the money, ask about the sensitivity. Ask her, genuinely, why she finds it such a difficult thing to talk about. Again, if you were still thinking of marrying her, you must be able to talk about sensitive things together. Otherwise the relationship will fail.
Poppygoodwill Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 whats your salary? More than you'll ever dream of making.
Emilia Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Million.to.1: I have asked her b4 what she does and stuff like that.. she told me she did on - off jobs..she hates working.. she spends moms or sisters money.. I didnt care or dig much into it initially because I earn a lot and i felt my wife can be a homemaker and do some part time job.. It's when my dad brought up these questions, that i started asking her and her reactions have been way off... A person who says she is in love shouldnt be reacting this way right?? the problem i am having is the way she reacts... which i dont understand... She is probably supported by some male relatives along with her mother and sister. She doesn't like working, that doesn't usually bode well for a partnership. You would have had a lazy wife on your hands with expectations. You dodged a bullet.
MissBee Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 It means you've dodged a bullet and you should be thanking your lucky stars! What rational person falls out of love with someone because they asked about their income? You have every right to know especially if your planning marriage. What a crazy lady! If I go outside right now and meet a man, I can guarantee you one of the first questions within the first 5 minutes will be...what do you do for a living? HUGE RED FLAG that after a year you don't know this about a potential wife! Find yourself someone who isn't shady and hiding things! Ditto. I mean I find it entirely bizarre in and of itself that this never came up quite early on, as "What do you do?" is one of the first getting to know you questions. If I met a man who was vague, avoidant or defensive about how he earns a living, I would RUN the other way. I met a guy like this once, his answer was something like "You know...this and that..." and he claimed he had to be on the road a lot for work. In any event, I simply took it to mean it was either illegal or some kind of uncertain informal thing, but his reluctance to be upfront was a huge red flag.
Author you Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 She is guilty of what exactly? Is this how you will handle conflicts once married? (It's a perfectly valid topic to broach before marrying. It's how you go about it. The tact you used was perfectly okay in many circles in the US. In other parts of the world (and some social circles here), such a direct approach would be considered crass and rude.) Culture matters in how we handle things...yes? You're 29 and financially independent, yet you still need/want your parents' approval of your choice. Another 29-year old on your job wouldn't tolerate having his parents involved in selecting and vetting potential spouses. I know I did not handle the whole situation properly.. I am generally a calm person, but she did get to my nerves at that point. But ya you are right, this is not how I should be handling conflicts. I did apologize to her for that immediately. She cared less... Anyway I did learn a lot from this experience... Hopefully makes me a better person.. About parents approval, I was sure I can convince them but I needed her help. She kept running away.. At 29, I don't need my parents help, but I want them to be part of my marriage and help raise my kids. It's important to me..
Eivuwan Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 I know I did not handle the whole situation properly.. I am generally a calm person, but she did get to my nerves at that point. But ya you are right, this is not how I should be handling conflicts. I did apologize to her for that immediately. She cared less... Anyway I did learn a lot from this experience... Hopefully makes me a better person.. About parents approval, I was sure I can convince them but I needed her help. She kept running away.. At 29, I don't need my parents help, but I want them to be part of my marriage and help raise my kids. It's important to me.. I personally think you did fine. Communication is two ways. You can't be doing all the work. Besides, it seems like you dodged a bullet.
whirl3daway Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 At 29, I don't need my parents help, but I want them to be part of my marriage and help raise my kids. It's important to me.. and this is why I will never marry an indian guy X_x
waiting4u Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Angeleyes is spot on - this is a cultural issue and probably a gender issue as well. Talking about money is somewhat uncouth I think, even in America. In some cultures it's just downright rude. If you were planning the wedding, etc. then you likely needed to have a discussion about it. Likely you just approached it the wrong way. A lot of people have parents who are still involved in their financial planning - paying for things, etc. This may be the case for her. I don't think it means someone is "lazy," just that they are accustomed to a certain lifestyle and / or their family offers to help them. 1
angel.eyes Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 No need to defend your parents' involvement. I get it. I also understand why, being in a US environment you flipped. None of us is perfect when we're frustrated. Although, that doesn't make it right. I see both sides. I understand why someone would be deeply offended by the way you approached the discussion...her family's finances have to be scrutinized and approved by your dad??? I hate to ask, but are your parents of the same class as her family? Your line of questioning might have been triply insulting for them--you're poorer, of lower social rank, AND they have to deal with crude, crass questions...then angry, unfounded accusations. Unfortunately because of the approach taken, you have no way of knowing where things actually stand financially...or with the relationship at this point. From what you describe, she seems to be having second thoughts about even continuing. If things move forward, this would be a good time to identify and work through the way you relate to each other. Your communication and conflict resolution styles are very different. You're also both interpreting each other's behaviors and comments through the incorrect sociocultural lenses. I know I did not handle the whole situation properly.. I am generally a calm person, but she did get to my nerves at that point. But ya you are right, this is not how I should be handling conflicts. I did apologize to her for that immediately. She cared less... Anyway I did learn a lot from this experience... Hopefully makes me a better person.. About parents approval, I was sure I can convince them but I needed her help. She kept running away.. At 29, I don't need my parents help, but I want them to be part of my marriage and help raise my kids. It's important to me..
Author you Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 No need to defend your parents' involvement. I get it. I also understand why, being in a US environment you flipped. None of us is perfect when we're frustrated. Although, that doesn't make it right. I see both sides. I understand why someone would be deeply offended by the way you approached the discussion...her family's finances have to be scrutinized and approved by your dad??? I hate to ask, but are your parents of the same class as her family? Your line of questioning might have been triply insulting for them--you're poorer, of lower social rank, AND they have to deal with crude, crass questions...then angry, unfounded accusations. Unfortunately because of the approach taken, you have no way of knowing where things actually stand financially...or with the relationship at this point. From what you describe, she seems to be having second thoughts about even continuing. If things move forward, this would be a good time to identify and work through the way you relate to each other. Your communication and conflict resolution styles are very different. You're also both interpreting each other's behaviors and comments through the incorrect sociocultural lenses. Sadly it's the opposite.. I am from an affluent family. My dad is well known. My parents thought low of her because of her lifestyle and no job. She knew about it and it was getting to her too. I was stuck in between. I wanted to prove to my parents whatever they thought about her is all wrong, but for that I had to ask her questions about her past, source of income (sensitive questions). She always told me she loves me, so I thought it's okay to ask these questions at this point in our relationship. I had no option but ask because it's long distance and I have only spent 3 weeks in person. The way she started reacting, took me by surprise. I thought to myself where did all the love go... is she guilty of something? I started thinking.. But my intention was never to insult her or put her down... You are very right.. our communication and conflict resolution styles are very different. And she has been misinterpreting everything.. I tried explaining that to her too. But she does not get it.. Probably she gets it and has decided not to deal with the pressure anymore.. I dont know.. and i will never know..
angel.eyes Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 If things proceed, my suggestion would be to get to know her a lot better before you decide whether to head down the aisle. Marriage is a lifelong commitment. Make sure that you know the other person very well beforehand. Can you take several long vacations and spend 2-3 solid weeks on each trip getting to know her? Observe firsthand how she lives and how they make ends meet. You'll also get a better sense of who she really is. I would do this several more times...at a minimum. Right now you're dealing with the facade she presents herself to be and your "fantasy" of who you think she is. You need to make sure these match reality. At any rate, if she is poor, doesn't work, and seems to be living a lavish lifestyle, chances are she doesn't appreciate the value of money, budgeting, saving, etc. Even if you're both of the mindset that she will be a stay at home mom, things will be a nightmare because she will continually push to spend more money than you have. I'm sure she has wonderful qualities, but based on what little you have shared, I agree with your parents' reservations. Three very major areas of difference so far--financial philosophies, communication styles, and your abilities to resolve conflict. This is just not a good idea! Why not find someone locally? If you really prefer someone from India, why not trust your parents, and let them find someone for you? A couple of my friends (born in the US) let their parents pick someone from India or Sri Lanka after they had dated around in the US. They seem happy in their marriages.
veggirl Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 and this is why I will never marry an indian guy X_x well that was incredibly rude and out of nowhere. OP you handled the situation fine. There is NOTHING wrong with the way you asked, you fell all over yourself apologizing before asking! She understands your relationship with your parents and so should understand their concern! you definitely dodged a bullet. you'd be taking care of her in addition to any children you have with her.
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