Rejected, followed by being Ignored. Rude? [update]

[Phew]

You've heard her, OP. Just go ask out a bunch of women randomly. Getting to know someone is for sincere platonic friendship making. You don't want to give them the wrong impression that you're ONLY looking for friendship, just as they probably think they're not being flirty with you.

 

Better yet, just stop looking. Get it out of your mind for awhile. It probably won't bring you any closer than you were to meeting someone, but people think it does. People can be and are quite often wrong. WRONG. WRONG!

 

In the end, you really can't win, OP. Do whatever floats your boat, because none of this **** is really that big of a deal in the grand scheme. None of it makes a difference in our short period of time on this earth.

 

You talk to a women for a short period and try to take things further, and suddenly she draws away which to me is just ******* behavior if she's supposedly my friend, but you're somehow the needy guy now, and that somehow overshadows her lame overblown reaction to what is an ultimately harmless question if she was TRULY valued your "friendship"... Just like the females that I respectfully turned down stuck around as platonic friends after months if not years of being "good" friends. </sarcasm>

 

Then you try and go for the jugular straight away, and advice givers claim you that you need to take your time and no women will respond positively to such abrupt direct advances from out of left field.. That it's somehow "weird" relative to trying to deceitfully weasel your way into a girl's "heart" by approaching her initially from a friendship point of view, where she's already going to see you as a friend.

 

UNLESS, they're really attracted to you, then they may make an exception. There's always the "attractive" exception alternate scenario to all of these situations.

 

That's the key thing, I suppose, that some of us guys fail to truly grasp. When a girl is genuinely attracted to you, it's much harder if not virtually impossible for you to do any wrong.

 

Too long didn't read version; They all just find you unattractive. Just have to keep playing, or try another game. Don't worry about what you're doing wrong, when a girl finds you attractive, aside from acting like a total nut job there's not much that you can do wrong. You didn't really do anything wrong with this girl, she just pulled away because she wasn't really your friend, just using you temporarily until she found her footing in a new and strange social environment.

 

I would like to hear somebody who has been in a situation similar to this, or perhaps was the female who did this to a guy. Why would you do this to a good friend? This was a very close friendship in which I have scared her away but it wasn't really my fault. I still miss her because were really good friends. I's just like to hear from her as I don't have a clue what she's thinking about this.

[Phew]

She probably doesn't know how to handle someone who was a friend but wants to be more. The kinds of issues are, what if he's just being friendly because he wants more? Maybe if you just let her know you are there if she wants to continue the friendship and then give her some space, she won't feel so panicked by the situation. It's a shame to lose a friendship. You took the risk and surely it was worth the risk or you would have been forever wondering. I'm sure you'll meet someone else who you feel strongly about in the future so don't assume she's the one and only.

 

I'm not sure what to send. Could you give me a bit of advice? Would you agree that I should try to do something about it because it ended so suddenly?

[angel.eyes]

OP, your best course of action is to respect her wishes and just leave her alone. It's not only about what you want.

 

From your followup posts, it seems you interpret basic human interaction (e.g. speaking with you, eye contact in a conversation, smiling) as romantic interest in you. I suspect she's been forced to ignore you outright because you persisted even after she communicated that she wasn't interested in you romantically. Even here, you're still refusing to accept that she never liked you that way because she spoke with you on a daily basis and smiled. That's why the friendship is destroyed.

 

Learn to let go. You're just making it more unpleasant for everyone involved while pushing her even further away.

[Phew]

OP, your best course of action is to respect her wishes and just leave her alone. It's not only about what you want.

 

From your followup posts, it seems you interpret basic human interaction (e.g. speaking with you, eye contact in a conversation, smiling) as romantic interest in you. I suspect she's been forced to ignore you outright because you persisted even after she communicated that she wasn't interested in you romantically. Even here, you're still refusing to accept that she never liked you that way because she spoke with you on a daily basis and smiled. That's why the friendship is destroyed.

 

Learn to let go. You're just making it more unpleasant for everyone involved while pushing her even further away.

 

I let go of things that I believe I don't need, but this was a great friendship that I really do miss. She was obsessively messaging me though, for example: saying I was special, saying goodnight all the time. She seemed to look up to me and felt very comfortable, but why would you make so much conversation with somebody for a long time & be scared to meet up? She wasn't clear in my respect, I thought she wanted something more, so I tried to go forward. Adding on to that, she said she 'really wants to like me,' but seemed quite scared

Edited May 23, 2014 by Phew

[Phew]

How is a guy even supposed to know that a girl isn't just being friendly, then? What exactly is green light body language for "try your luck with me!" For those of us ugly bastards who've never been aggressively hit on by a female.

 

Seems that a lot of flirty behavior is made up of what could fall under "basic human interaction".. Until the person clarifies that they weren't flirting. If they desire attention, they could string the person along until they make a definitive move, then they can just say "oh, I was just being friendly, c'mon now, no hard feelings but seriously no thanks.."

 

I agree, though, let this one go, she sounds like a jerk off.

 

I'm not interested in her romantically anymore, I just want to be friends. Without an awkward silence or lack of communication on her side, I'd just like to ask if we can be friends again. She wasn't ready for a relationship evidently, I just want a platonic friendship

[Phew]

She probably doesn't know how to handle someone who was a friend but wants to be more. The kinds of issues are, what if he's just being friendly because he wants more? Maybe if you just let her know you are there if she wants to continue the friendship and then give her some space, she won't feel so panicked by the situation. It's a shame to lose a friendship. You took the risk and surely it was worth the risk or you would have been forever wondering. I'm sure you'll meet someone else who you feel strongly about in the future so don't assume she's the one and only.

 

That could be the problem, but I messaged her many, many weeks after the occurrence and she ignored me. Quite selfish from my point of view, I'm damaged by it because she said she wants to still be friends, and you should not say it if you don't mean it, because it's a lie, and she needs to be convinced that she hurts other by her actions, even if she doesn't mean it.

[Phew]

Long piece of text. It's much appreciated you have read this

 

A girl who was a close friend of mine became closer and closer to me, and would absolutely love talking to me. We met at a restaurant on vacation, but she lives about 2 hours away from myself. We are both in our late teens, her being 2 years younger.

 

It went on for months, and she was younger than me so I tried to be respectful & mature. It was running brilliantly as we were so close and alike. I would video chat to her for hours, even when I went abroad for a week during the Christmas break. I would dedicate a lot of time to this

 

As she was quite unsure & shy, she was a little scared of commitment. I waited patiently after a couple of months, as she wanted more time to think about this, as we lived a fair distance away from each other. She always seemed to be hiding something though, but I wasn't too sure about that. She didn't have a boyfriend or anything but it just seemed like something was missing.

 

She would always message me and speak to me, because she just loved talking to me. She would say thing such as, 'You are very special to me' and 'I don't mean to hurt you.' I think she was deeply interested in me but was afraid of commitment or had some kind of issue. Without being harsh, I think she had some kind of personality issue. Yes, solving her issues shouldn't me my job but I was just trying to be nice.

 

However disaster

 

After waiting for so long, she claimed that the distance was too much, & thought we'd meet someone in the future when we head off a different career, such as University. Now, it has became a killer to my brain, because it was clear she was into me and not just great friends, which I just wanted to be friends to begin with, but I went really well after that

 

I wanted to establish a lovely friendship, but it seems to have creeped her out. A few months later, no contact. I may have scared her a little by applying a bit of pressure on but in my opinion, she would respect what I've done for her.

It's strange, I think I may have scared her or put a little pressure on her. She did say she wants to still be friends, but ignored my friendly message.

 

I'm hurt because our friendship was very strong, and appeared to be something special.

I'd enjoy speaking to her again but I don't want anything more than to be friends because it's quite clear she wouldn't be able to handle it. All of this effort and it turns to this?

 

I was thinking of sending her a letter to her, but instead I sent her a long thoughtful message which was apologetic and well written. 24 hours later, there's still no response. It wasn't creepy or anything, like I said, it was written with a lot of detail.

 

The situation is horrible and somehow hurts, because there's something missing and I just to be friends without this awkward silence. I wish I could contact her parents or something but that would probably be too much. It's EXTREMELY difficult to move on. I've been to see a doctor who told me to just focus on yourself but I just can't let this get away from me!

 

What could I do next?

- A letter? Remove her? etc.

 

Again, thank you all for for your time

[Augman]

I came here since you took the time to read my post. I wish i could help, but as you know I'm in a similar boat. I hope things work out man.

[CarrieT]

It hurts, yes. But you *are* both just teens so the feelings tend to get amplified; those of pain and love and longing.

 

But you cannot be friends with someone when the types of feelings you have are not reciprocated.

 

Throw yourself back into your school work and your future. Eventually, the pain will subside and you will find others.

 

No more letters. You reached out and your advance was rebuffed. Anything more will look like begging. Just let it go...

[Phew]

It hurts, yes. But you *are* both just teens so the feelings tend to get amplified; those of pain and love and longing.

 

But you cannot be friends with someone when the types of feelings you have are not reciprocated.

 

Throw yourself back into your school work and your future. Eventually, the pain will subside and you will find others.

 

No more letters. You reached out and your advance was rebuffed. Anything more will look like begging. Just let it go...

 

Ok thanks for reading. The truth is, she was right, she wouldn't be able to cope with the distance, because she doesn't seem to able to cope with a relationship. However, she can surely cope with a friendship, as could I, but not the loss of it. You could say that she's been selfish because I've put a lot of hours in, whereas she wan't here for me I guess. Yes, we are teens, but it just regret starting this if this was going to happen!

[CarrieT]

However, she can surely cope with a friendship, as could I, but not the loss of it. You could say that she's been selfish because I've put a lot of hours in, whereas she wan't here for me I guess.

You are looking at it wrong.

 

She isn't selfish. She is pragmatic.

 

You two can't be friends because you feel more for her than can be reciprocated. Trust me on this one; I am friends with most of my Ex's but those friendships could only occur AFTER the romantic attachments were gone. You still have that longing towards her so the friendship is not possible and she is right to quench it.

 

And one does not grade a friendship by how many hours one invests into it. That is the nature of life; friends come and go and they shouldn't be charted and tracked by who and what has been given and received. All friendships are a level of give-and-take. Don't try to put it on a graph that anyone owes you based on how much you have given.

[Phew]

You are looking at it wrong.

 

She isn't selfish. She is pragmatic.

 

You two can't be friends because you feel more for her than can be reciprocated. Trust me on this one; I am friends with most of my Ex's but those friendships could only occur AFTER the romantic attachments were gone. You still have that longing towards her so the friendship is not possible and she is right to quench it.

 

And one does not grade a friendship by how many hours one invests into it. That is the nature of life; friends come and go and they shouldn't be charted and tracked by who and what has been given and received. All friendships are a level of give-and-take. Don't try to put it on a graph that anyone owes you based on how much you have given.

 

I guess you're right, but I'll be honest with my feelings now. The issue was that I thought she had romantic feelings for me so I tried to go forward. It didn't work, and she took a step back.

My message was basically explaining how I miss the friendship, not the romantic feeling that we previously had, so in that case, I would've thought she would respond.

I still obviously miss the romantic side to it, but this was a great friendship lost in which I thought I could heal. It's quite clear she's not going to cope with it, but it did seem quite immature how she ended it. It was sudden and a short unthoughtful text. What do you think I should do? Just delete her? Indifference?

[d0nnivain]

Distance is tough no matter what but it is worse as a teen especially if you can't do much about it. Parents probably don't want their daughter traveling 2 hours to see somebody.

 

It is possible to move on but it's not like flipping a switch. It will take time.

 

For now take some solace in the idea that you have the ability to connect with others.

[Phew]

Distance is tough no matter what but it is worse as a teen especially if you can't do much about it. Parents probably don't want their daughter traveling 2 hours to see somebody.

 

It is possible to move on but it's not like flipping a switch. It will take time.

 

For now take some solace in the idea that you have the ability to connect with others.

 

I know but I'm going through this after 3 months have past since she didn't want to meet up. I am a caring guy, I keep my friends close but not I don't like an unsolved problem with a friendship. I didn't really show too much affection to her, she actually shown more than myself.

I just wish she would respond. It's horrible, just imagine if I did this to her? The answer would be never!

[CarrieT]

I just wish she would respond. It's horrible, just imagine if I did this to her? The answer would be never!

You are begging for breadcrumbs where there isn't going to be any.

 

I don't think it is horrible; I think it is a matter of self-preservation. She has moved on and it is time for you to do so as well.

 

Delete her.

[Phew]

You are begging for breadcrumbs where there isn't going to be any.

 

I don't think it is horrible; I think it is a matter of self-preservation. She has moved on and it is time for you to do so as well.

 

Delete her.

 

If I knew this would happen then I wouldn't have started to reply to her texts to begin with. She's wasted my time. I wasn't interested at first but then I tried to be nice to her, and it got a bit serious.

[you_can_not_see_me]

OP is just having a hard time moving on, in all honesty wants to stay friends cause he hopes thinks will turn around eventually, and the girl has probably picked up on this and decided to cut contact.

 

Be honest OP when its just a friend, you don't go out of your way to write long messages and **** like that, you still have really strong feelings for this girl obviously. Don't torture yourself and move one. You should actually be grateful the girl cut contact, it would hurt you more in the long run if you stayed in contact.

[Phew]

OP is just having a hard time moving on, in all honesty wants to stay friends cause he hopes thinks will turn around eventually, and the girl has probably picked up on this and decided to cut contact.

 

Be honest OP when its just a friend, you don't go out of your way to write long messages and **** like that, you still have really strong feelings for this girl obviously. Don't torture yourself and move one. You should actually be grateful the girl cut contact, it would hurt you more in the long run if you stayed in contact.

 

No, I'm honest with you. I don't want anything more than a friendship anymore. It is over for a relationship, I get that. I wouldn't be able to trust her anyway. I just want to hear from her because I miss my friendship, and it looks like I'm not going to hear from her. I'll repeat myself, I don't want anything more than a friendship. I'm not a needy person, I'm just a nice guy

Edited May 29, 2014 by Phew

[Jame22]

No, I'm honest with you. I don't want anything more than a friendship anymore. It is over for a relationship, I get that. I wouldn't be able to trust her anyway. I just want to hear from her because I miss my friendship, and it looks like I'm not going to hear from her. I'll repeat myself, I don't want anything more than a friendship. I'm not a needy person, I'm just a nice guy

 

You sound bitter. Just let it go. She's not your friend.

 

& dude..never claim to be a "nice guy"..it will backfire.

[jbelle6]

She wasted your time? How? You said this was a wonderful friendship?

If you had to talk to a dr about it and you wish you could contact her parents, then you want more than friendship, or at least you feel more than that.

 

You come across as VERY intense about this even on this thread, I can only image it in real life with her.

 

You need to let this go, you have told us nothing on this thread that shows she was interested in anything other than friendship. And she's not afraid of commitment, it's just she's not interest. And frankly, what is commitment at 17? At that age you should only be committed to finishing your schooling.

 

Time to let this go, the more you push the further away she'll get.

[CarrieT]

I wouldn't be able to trust her anyway.

Why would you want to be friends with someone you don't trust?

 

 

And, also, these two statements are very contradictory!

I'm not a needy person

I don't want anything more than a friendship anymore. I just want to hear from her. I'll repeat myself, I don't want anything more than a friendship.

 

You ARE being needy by wanting something you clearly cannot have. The reiteration of you being a "nice guy" is coming across as very creepy. No one wants to be around someone who has to tell them they are a "nice guy." That is an honorific that should be bestowed by others, not self-proclaimed.

[Phew]

She wasted your time? How? You said this was a wonderful friendship?

If you had to talk to a dr about it and you wish you could contact her parents, then you want more than friendship, or at least you feel more than that.

 

You come across as VERY intense about this even on this thread, I can only image it in real life with her.

 

You need to let this go, you have told us nothing on this thread that shows she was interested in anything other than friendship. And she's not afraid of commitment, it's just she's not interest. And frankly, what is commitment at 17? At that age you should only be committed to finishing your schooling.

 

Time to let this go, the more you push the further away she'll get.

 

The way she ended it was a little immature from my POV. She sent a text which was sudden and a gave me an instant shock, and she refused to speak instead of text. I'm not trying to be bitter, I'm just showing that I was trying to help a girl out, who I thought was interested, but it turns out she was a little confused maybe or I misunderstood her.

 

Correct. 17 years old during education, we probably met at the wrong time. I was interested in her, yes, but I didn't want the friendship to end in the future. I was probably trying too hard, I didn't mean to be intense, I was just supporting a girl who I began to like. I just wish we could discuss it between us instead of silence, it's obvious we can't have anything more than a friendship.

[Phew]

Why would you want to be friends with someone you don't trust?

 

 

And, also, these two statements are very contradictory!

 

 

 

You ARE being needy by wanting something you clearly cannot have. The reiteration of you being a "nice guy" is coming across as very creepy. No one wants to be around someone who has to tell them they are a "nice guy." That is an honorific that should be bestowed by others, not self-proclaimed.

 

The trust issue was that after talking about trusting eachother to her, a week later, when I was talking to her, she was becoming a bit distant and started talking to somebody else, but was doing this in a secretive manner. I was talking to her on video chat, but she ignored me when I was asking a question. This friendship between her and this guy I think was just a flirtatious thing, wasn't anything major. I suppose that's the issue with talking to someone younger.

[CarrieT]

The way she ended it was a little immature from my POV. She sent a text which was sudden and a gave me an instant shock, and she refused to speak instead of text.

 

Well, she *is* immature! She is still an adolescent and doesn't know how to navigate mature relationships yet. What she did is VERY indicative of her (and, frankly, your!) entire generation. It is avoidance behavior and is not at all unusual...

[Spirit1985]

Maybe give her alittle space for afew weeks. Then send her a fun message asking if she wants to hang out as friends, like you used to etc. She might be going through some troubles or has gotten cold feet. Give her chance to miss your friendship. It is alittle rude ignoring you, but give up on your friendship too soon. Its hard to find good, genuine and fun people to hang out with.