Question

[ThursdayChild]

Hi everyone

 

 

Can I get your thoughts please?

 

 

Recently I was hosting a function and a family friend and her husband attended. The husband handed me a gift for myself for an unrelated celebration. I told him thank you but didn't have time to open it.

 

 

About a month later the wife contacted me asking if I received the gift. My response was yes and I already thanked you. She said she did not recall that as I hadn't even opened it.

 

 

I asked her what her issue was and explained that I clearly didn't have time to open it at the event I was hosting. She told me not to worry about it, because since her gifts seemed like such an inconvenience to me, she wouldn't bother me in the future with any more and left the conversation at that.

 

 

I am so confused. Who is in the right here?

Was I totally off? Why on earth did she get so upset?

 

 

Thanks so much everyone

Edited May 18, 2014 by ThursdayChild

[newmoon]

had a similar thing happen once. i gave a girl a baby shower gift and never heard from her. about a month or so later i asked "did you ever get my gift, because you never mentioned it." her response was, "yeah, i got it, thanks. i thought i said that." well, she hadn't. i remembered because i was waiting to hear back about what she thought of the item. since you were so incredibly busy that day of the event i would side with her on this one; you probably did thank the person who handed it to you (the husband), but in the midst of the event you might have forgotten to expressly thank the wife. and she's going to remember better than you - you were distracted and she would be wanting to know what you thought of her gift. people remember that stuff. but her response was a bit mean and out of line, about not giving you other stuff, etc. likely won't happen again, but the time to say thanks is immediately when you receive something and to call a few days later and chat about it once opened. it does make you look ungrateful if you don't express gratitude and that might be what she thinks of you.

[MidwestUSA]

Was your only thank you to the husband as he handed it to you? Did you send her a note later expressing thanks and mentioning the item (as 'proof' of having opened it). If not, you really dropped the ball.

 

Plus, it's really rude to tell someone you 'already thanked them'. The easy thing to do is to simply thank them again. Is there really a limit on thank yous? Pretty sad.

[ThursdayChild]

Was your only thank you to the husband as he handed it to you?

yes, and no I did not send a note after

[AnneT1985]

I agree with this wife, and do not think her response was mean- but I do think yours was. Sorry. But best of luck to you!

[angel.eyes]

Well, you're both in the wrong.

 

Gifts aren't supposed to come with expectations. So yes, the phone call over a perceived oversight was over the top, especially her snarky parting comment. That being said, when she called, I would have simply apologized for the "oversight" and made a few treacly comments about how much I loved it, how thoughtful she had been to pick it out, and how (specifically) I was using the gift. Then direct the conversation to more pleasant matters.

 

The call isn't really about the gift. It's about her not feeling valued and appreciated for her efforts as your friend. She was adult enough to call and express her disappointment rather than passive-aggressively stewing over this.

 

It never hurts to be gracious even when the other person is "wrong." That's where you fell short. You could have repaired things easily and avoided the animosity and anger that now exists between you and this couple. Focus on winning the war rather than every minor battle. If you engage in every little skirmish you'll have a harder time maintaining friendships.

[2sunny]

You should have written them a thank you note.

[ThursdayChild]

Hi everyone

 

 

I have an update to this. Recently I saw said couple at a function. At the end of the evening the couple came up to me and said goodbye. I only said goodbye to the husband and turned my back to the wife and ignored her after what she said to me in my OP. Her husband said "don't you speak when people acknowledge you?" and I said "not to her". He told me I am a grown adult who should really reconsider embarrassing myself in public!!

 

 

I was blown away since I thought she started it and was rude first by telling me she wouldn't be buying me anymore gifts and couldn't believe he said that. Why would I speak to her?

 

 

Was I wrong? How did that make ME look bad? I am honestly confused. Thanks everyone

Edited June 10, 2014 by ThursdayChild

[angel.eyes]

I agree with him. Sorry, but you were rude and childish...a second time. If you have an issue with someone, you have a private conversation with the person to resolve it. She had the decency to extend that courtesy to you when she was angry (and rightfully so). Discuss your perceived grievances with her then or in a subsequent conversation.

 

What you did instead was indeed very crass. That reflects on you, not on anyone else. How exactly does what you did, lead to resolution of your misunderstanding?

[Els]

 

 

I have an update to this. Recently I saw said couple at a function. At the end of the evening the couple came up to me and said goodbye. I only said goodbye to the husband and turned my back to the wife and ignored her after what she said to me in my OP. Her husband said "don't you speak when people acknowledge you?" and I said "not to her". He told me I am a grown adult who should really reconsider embarrassing myself in public!!

 

 

I was on the fence about your OP, but yes, you were definitely being embarrassingly childish in this one! WTF. Grown adults (and even some adolescents!) are capable of putting petty minor grievances aside to be civil to one another. How old are you???

[Snakechammah]

I applaud the husband for standing up for his wife. What a great guy. She is truly lucky to be with a man who isn't afraid to speak his mind to defend his wife's honour!

[MidwestUSA]

Hi everyone

 

I have an update to this. Recently I saw said couple at a function. At the end of the evening the couple came up to me and said goodbye. I only said goodbye to the husband and turned my back to the wife and ignored her after what she said to me in my OP. Her husband said "don't you speak when people acknowledge you?" and I said "not to her". He told me I am a grown adult who should really reconsider embarrassing myself in public!!

 

Wow. So after most concluded here that you were wrong the first time, you went out of your way to prove it! Why even come here to ask?

 

After reading some of your other threads, I've concluded that you're simply without couth, and clueless about basic social etiquette.

 

Koodos to the husband for standing up for his wife. And you might seriously consider what he said to you about being a grown adult.

[April Moon]

I think you were rude both times... You really could have handled both situations better and there would not have been an issue. Hopefully, this will be a lesson learned.

[readynow]

You were wrong both times.

You should ring them and apologise.

How childish!

Edited June 12, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ThursdayChild]

Thanks everyone. I also wanted to add that aside from the gift comment, she had also made a comment previously where she asked me a question and then said "most people think about these kinds of things before making such a huge commitment"...which I thought was incredibly rude first. Yes, she said both of those things to me privately but both those comments are why I turned my back to her and wouldn't speak to her at the most recent function and why I couldn't understand why doing so was making me look so bad but not her. I hope that makes sense I'd like your perspectives. Thanks again everyone.

[pteromom]

I have an update to this. Recently I saw said couple at a function. At the end of the evening the couple came up to me and said goodbye. I only said goodbye to the husband and turned my back to the wife and ignored her after what she said to me in my OP. Her husband said "don't you speak when people acknowledge you?" and I said "not to her". He told me I am a grown adult who should really reconsider embarrassing myself in public!!

 

 

Was I wrong? How did that make ME look bad? I am honestly confused. Thanks everyone

 

OMG! Yes, you were wrong. You came across as a 12 year old girl!

 

Why is it so hard to smile and be civil?

 

And yes, I believe you were wrong in the way you handled the situation initially as well.

 

Instead of: "My response was yes and I already thanked you"

 

You should have said "Yes, I did. Thank you so much. That was very kind of you."

 

THEN - there would be no issue. YOU caused the issue.

[pteromom]

I couldn't understand why doing so was making me look so bad but not her.

 

Because she was being the bigger person and saying hello to you, and you were standing there with your back to her acting like a child.

[GorillaTheater]

Thanks everyone. I also wanted to add that aside from the gift comment, she had also made a comment previously where she asked me a question and then said "most people think about these kinds of things before making such a huge commitment"...which I thought was incredibly rude first. Yes, she said both of those things to me privately but both those comments are why I turned my back to her and wouldn't speak to her at the most recent function and why I couldn't understand why doing so was making me look so bad but not her. I hope that makes sense I'd like your perspectives. Thanks again everyone.

 

I'll never refuse to shake a man's hand, even if I want to punch them in the throat.

 

You're in the wrong.

[MidwestUSA]

Thanks everyone. I also wanted to add that aside from the gift comment, she had also made a comment previously where she asked me a question and then said "most people think about these kinds of things before making such a huge commitment"...which I thought was incredibly rude first. Yes, she said both of those things to me privately but both those comments are why I turned my back to her and wouldn't speak to her at the most recent function and why I couldn't understand why doing so was making me look so bad but not her. I hope that makes sense I'd like your perspectives. Thanks again everyone.

 

No, it doesn't make sense, and I'm reading nothing that justifies your actions. 'Most people think about these kinds of things before making such a huge commitment' means absolutely nothing out of context. Did you just tell her you decided to join the Peace Corps, or the Air Force, on a whim? We have no way of telling you what was/wasn't rude.

 

It seems that you quite easily zero in on perceived slights and acts of rudeness of others, but have no insight as to your own actions and words. And, you carry your feelings about each incident into the next, rather than resolving things and moving on/starting fresh.

 

I have to ask, what does you husband think of your behavior? Do you hold things against him in the same manner you do others?

[ThursdayChild]

No, it doesn't make sense, and I'm reading nothing that justifies your actions. 'Most people think about these kinds of things before making such a huge commitment' means absolutely nothing out of context. Did you just tell her you decided to join the Peace Corps, or the Air Force, on a whim? We have no way of telling you what was/wasn't rude.

 

 

 

I am the maid of honor in a wedding 2 weeks after my due date. This lady asked how I was planning to do that and that it was nice of the bride to be cool if I can't attend. When I asked her why wouldn't I be able to attend, she responded "because you're having a baby. Most people would think about these things before making such a huge commitment".

[ThursdayChild]

 

I have to ask, what does you husband think of your behavior? Do you hold things against him in the same manner you do others?

 

 

 

He's usually on my side, and no I don't think I do that to him- this woman was supposed to be a friend

[todreaminblue]

If soemone asked me did you like my gift ......i would say

 

 

didnt i thank you for it i am sorry, i loved the gift thankyou for thinking of me, normally i open a gift i am given straight away thank them then and there and let them see it in my face...when peopel give me gifts they hav eput so much thought into it i cannot not open it because of the look on their faces as they wait in expectation of making me feel special and appreciated......they feel a little clever too ...smilin..because i am not one to really need anything in particular and dotn expect gifts at any rate.....i like time and moments shared...........my loved ones and friends buy from their heart...so i look at it a slice of their heart to me i would not hesitate to open it no matter how busy i was i would take just a few minutes to show someone i appreciate their efforts for me...they would harass me to the moon and back until i opened it..

 

 

 

i am the same when i give a gift i hunt and i research and remember little things as far as i can....and i pick a gift..i get so excited in giving a gift.i think if you wanted to be a follower of etiquette......you remember how much thought you put into a gift for a loved one adn then mirror how you woudl eb excited to see a response or hear one...i let them know on the spot ....tomorrow is uncertain....i dont let that thought slide...to me i think and really feel, she would have been disappointed and a little hurt by your off hand comment about a thought that was meant to be special..

 

 

i remember my girls one day had no money(often our lot thats why we gift when we have money .....) it was mothers day and they came in with a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice.....the oldest daughter had probably shoved the second in command up a neighbours tree to pick them, burnt toast with 10 cm thick vegemite on ....and a very hard boiled egg with toast soldiers for me to dip with ...into grey hard boiled egg....i had heard clashing and banging and arguments in the kitchen , adn had put the pillow over my head.....as they stood at the end of my bed going mum guess what ....its mothers day.........wake up mum........so i opened one eye with trepidation with my girls hopeful and excited looks on their face and a rather wilted daisy that had not been put in water but was drooping rather dismally over the grey egg and the breakfast from hell..the 10 cm vegemite spread looked like rubber tire tread(yep tasted like tire tread)..i must have been thinking how am i going to eat this ...i dont even eat breakfast bar juice.........and their faces dropped so fast i must have been studying that breakfast pretty hard.....looked a their faces.........., i snapped out of it...

 

 

 

as soon as that happened and I said you did all this by yourself? the hopeful looks returned.......i dont beleive it your dad made this didnt the....they started to smile no mum it was us dads not here remember ...no one helped us....and i said i have the best daughters in the world....they gave huge grins........

 

 

and i ate the breakfast from hell, gently to appreciate the flavor.....and they said then...mum the kitchen is a bit of a mess sorry.....i said it was worth it and i groaned when they left the room adn put th epillow back over my head....it was a hand grenade in teh kitchen and thei were many hapless half cooked eggs that were failures.....they6 gave me the best one....lol.......ill let you cook more often for sure i trust you girls after i had finished cleaning....then ......over the years....i have taught them how to cook....starting with a softie wobbly egg and soldiers........smilin......gifts are hearts on a plate ....never not open it, if a heart is handed to you ....you may lose a very special gift to give them back ....appreciation for who they are and that they thought of you...and that moment sounds like it got lost to you and to her......i think you should gift hr for no reason at all...a random show of appreciation and a heart returned in kind....i am sure this would make her feel appreciated wait a couyple of weeks and research find something special and it need cost little money but big on thoughtfulness ......

 

do youe ver feel liek a girl again when you give a gift....doesn tmatter if its a daughters gift or a next door neighbour who offers to save dog bones for your dogs......you appreciate effort and you say it on the spot......,deb

Edited June 12, 2014 by todreaminblue

[angel.eyes]

I am the maid of honor in a wedding 2 weeks after my due date. This lady asked how I was planning to do that and that it was nice of the bride to be cool if I can't attend. When I asked her why wouldn't I be able to attend, she responded "because you're having a baby. Most people would think about these things before making such a huge commitment".

 

Well her comment is spot on! Sorry, but most thoughtful people would never make such a commitment so close to their due date. Babies often don't come on their due date. Being two weeks late isn't uncommon...unless you've already scheduled a c-section. Plus there may be complications. Second, most mothers right after the birth of the baby aren't in a frame of mind to keep social commitments. It's all about the newborn. (From your other thread, you're too overwhelmed by your current children to even be civil with your sister-in-law at family functions...how exactly will you manage matron of honor duties with a neonate in tow when you can't even have a conversation under normal circumstances?) Third, babies shouldn't be exposed to large crowds that early in life. Their immune systems haven't yet developed, and they are dependent on any passive immunity they derive from their mother. So are you/were you planning to leave the newborn alone with someone else while you spent a day or two at the wedding party activities and actual wedding festivities?? That's just not a choice most mothers of newborns make. Was the plan to expose your newborn to a bunch of people??

 

 

Let me just say, I went back and read some of your other threads. It's truly a shame that you just don't get it when it comes to basic social interactions...that you lack all insight into how you are behaving badly. You expect the world from your friends (e.g. expecting them to fundraise among their friends because you elected to have a wedding you couldn't afford) while you can't even manage the basics (e.g. thanking someone when they give you a gift). Truly sad!

[todreaminblue]

Well her comment is spot on! Sorry, but most thoughtful people would never make such a commitment so close to their due date. Babies often don't come on their due date. Being two weeks late isn't uncommon...unless you've already scheduled a c-section. Plus there may be complications. Second, most mothers right after the birth of the baby aren't in a frame of mind to keep social commitments. It's all about the newborn. (From your other thread, you're too overwhelmed by your current children to even be civil with your sister-in-law at family functions...how exactly will you manage matron of honor duties with a neonate in tow when you can't even have a conversation under normal circumstances?) Third, babies shouldn't be exposed to large crowds that early in life. Their immune systems haven't yet developed, and they are dependent on any passive immunity they derive from their mother. So are you/were you planning to leave the newborn alone with someone else while you spent a day or two at the wedding party activities and actual wedding festivities?? That's just not a choice most mothers of newborns make. Was the plan to expose your newborn to a bunch of people??

 

 

Let me just say, I went back and read some of your other threads. It's truly a shame that you just don't get it when it comes to basic social interactions...that you lack all insight into how you are behaving badly. You expect the world from your friends (e.g. expecting them to fundraise among their friends because you elected to have a wedding you couldn't afford) while you can't even manage the basics (e.g. thanking someone when they give you a gift). Truly sad!

 

 

do you find it a joy too to see someones face when they open a gift you have given?..i feel the world is becoming colder and the mentality of thoughtlessness more understood than kindness and accepted as the norm

if you are really kind you are thought of as weak willed or worse disbelieved distrusted and having ulterior motives...............kindness is often thought of in a negative and depreciating manner....sad huh..social interactions are not as enjoyable as they should be.............deb

Edited June 12, 2014 by todreaminblue

[MidwestUSA]

I am the maid of honor in a wedding 2 weeks after my due date. This lady asked how I was planning to do that and that it was nice of the bride to be cool if I can't attend. When I asked her why wouldn't I be able to attend, she responded "because you're having a baby. Most people would think about these things before making such a huge commitment".

 

And your response could have been 'well, what's done is done, and the bride is cool with whatever happens'. Obviously the bride knew your status, and it's between you and her. You don't have to take everything anyone says to you as some horrible insult worthy of you turning your back. Turn things back around and be cheery, or ask what she would have done. It's not difficult.