aaronb87 Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 I am 27 years old and been married to my wife for over a month. We waited three years to get married and it finally happened on April 13th. We planned for the small wedding at a church in just seven days. We live together at a apartment and there are things I don't understand. I suffer from Aspberger's Syndrome which I hate the fact I have it and wished I did not have it. We both have jobs with unpredictable schedules making it hard to spend a full day together. My wife has trouble about missing her mom a lot although my mother in law lives like ten minutes away. My wife keeps telling me quit eating and drinking milk so much since we are on a budget. She says I am selfish and hardheaded which I will admit I am. We barely have sex for reasons I dont know. I get angry at times about that, she says when im angry she won't do it or she is always tired. Am I just terrible at being a husband?
Poppygoodwill Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 Sounds like you two need to do a lot more talking about what you're both feeling and why. I wouldn't leap to say you're a bad husband, or she's a bad wife. Communication is the key to working through issues, and the willingness to compromise. Oh, and one other thing. I find the most important thing I do to keep my marriage healthy is little kindnesses. It's the small things, done without asking and without making a big deal about it, that can really bond and build trust to get you through the rough patches. I mean small: bringing the person a cup of tea without being asked, or buying their favourite brand of cookie just becuase they like it. Small things mean a lot. What small nice things could you do for your wife today that might begin improving your relationship? 4
Keenly Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 Well I think its a little unfair for her to try and tell you not to eat. 3
newmoon Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 were you living together before marriage? if she misses her mom that much was she staying there all the time you were dating? it could just be stress over a new living situation?, but talking through that should help. marriage is life-altering and there are probably many adjustments that you are both making now that you didn't during dating. just talk... communication is #1
Author aaronb87 Posted May 18, 2014 Author Posted May 18, 2014 We lived seperately completely before the marriage began.
melodymatters Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 Well then, everything is new and you are both still adjusting. Talk to each other ! When things are calm, tell her you understand everything is different and therefore more stressful now, but tell her you love her and ask her if she has any idea's how to make things better ? As far as food, well assuming you have a job, I'm sure there are a few corners you could cut and buy some extra food for yourself. I buy groceries for the week, but because my husband is a BIG BOY he could mow through them in 2 days, so he supplements with sandwiches, burrito's whatever he's in the mood for throughout the week . You ARE a grown up, you should be allowed to make your own food choices !
veritas lux mea Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 When we were first married money was tight. Where I live milk is expensive and my husband would drink a 4L jug in two days. We were spending over $20 on milk alone in a week. For a young couple struggling to get started it made a huge difference when he cut back. It is unreasonable to cutback but perhaps a budget is in order. They say that financial issues along with infidelity are the number one cause of divorce where I live. Actually some years it beats infidelity. Money can be a big power struggle. You two need to work on your communication. As to your mother living close. Your mother in no way replaces her mother and in fact can be a very unwelcome person to have so close. Mothers of the groom can be a nightmere! I am lucky to have a great one but my friend has one who is constantly belitting the care given to her son and interfereing in her life. If you are a momma's boy and you mention "my mom does it that way" that will set you guys up for contention and definetly. make your mothers close proxemity o replacement for her own mom. I dont know if this is your case but you seemed a little clueless suggesting she shouldn't Be missing her mom so bad with yours near by.
melodymatters Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 It IS her mom who lives ten minutes away. He says " My mother in law" which means the mother of your wife. 2
littleplanet Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Sounds like you two need to do a lot more talking about what you're both feeling and why. I wouldn't leap to say you're a bad husband, or she's a bad wife. Communication is the key to working through issues, and the willingness to compromise. Oh, and one other thing. I find the most important thing I do to keep my marriage healthy is little kindnesses. It's the small things, done without asking and without making a big deal about it, that can really bond and build trust to get you through the rough patches. I mean small: bringing the person a cup of tea without being asked, or buying their favourite brand of cookie just becuase they like it. Small things mean a lot. What small nice things could you do for your wife today that might begin improving your relationship? Good advice, this. Assuming you got married for love - this should not take a hike just because you're married now. Really caring about someone, deeply....gives a whole new definition to the meaning of the word affection. As has been stated - it's all new for both of you. Which requires a readjustment. If your wife misses her mom so much, I'm assuming she lived at home under her mother's care until she married and began living with you as a married woman? That can be an enormous change. Requiring patience and understanding. Back to the affection thing: this is something much different than just romantic love. When you truly feel it - you can let a lot of little irritations go by the wayside. That's all they are....little irritations. Emphasis on the word, "little." Don't allow those little molehills to grow into mountains. Maybe easier said than done - but all those little kindnesses only work when they are truly acts of the heart (which shouldn't be impossible if you married for love.) It's sort of like - now you two need to learn a new language - the language of two newly married people. That's a language specific to the both of you - and it's that unique. Be creative. You don't have to be a clown or a standup comedian - but a little humor can sometimes go a long way. If some of this is due to difficulties with the family economy / finances.....well - young marrieds have been wrestling with that one since the dawn of time. It comes with the territory. Be patient. Talk talk talk. You now have a glorious opportunity to get to know her on the inside....as intimate as that gets. A fascinating topic. I'm not sure I understand what Aspberger's Syndrome actually is......or how it affects the picture. (I suppose I could google it.) But whatever.....your wife was I'm sure, well acquainted with it before you got married. If you think of yourself as a bad husband, it probably means you're putting yourself under a lot of pressure (to be perfect?)......or just better. Go easy. Rome wasn't built in a day. (and that's the last cliche I'll use)
Author aaronb87 Posted May 21, 2014 Author Posted May 21, 2014 I appreciate everyones input. I just wished i did not have aspbergers syndrome. I hate this condition. I would feel better and normal if i was not born with it. It bothers me everyday.
SleeplessIn Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I appreciate everyones input. I just wished i did not have aspbergers syndrome. I hate this condition. I would feel better and normal if i was not born with it. It bothers me everyday. I don't know a lot about Asperger's, but from what I've read the main issue is that individuals with this syndrome have difficulty socially because they don't "read" the emotions of others very well. For example, someone might tell a joke that everyone laughs at, but the person with Asperger's won't see what was funny about it and instead will take the words literally. If you have Asperger's to this extent, then possibly you and your wife are misunderstanding each other and there may be counseling that will help you both to learn some methods of getting around the Asperger's issues. 2
GypsieFlower Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 My younger brother has Asperger's, sop I understand your plight. It can be very frustrating being so close to someone with Asperger's, but it is far more frustrating for the actual person, like yourself, who wishes they didn't have it. I think you need to communicate well with her, I know for my brother communicating verbally was very hard, especially if he was angry or emotional. And yes socially it was very hard for him. It was infuriating as his sister to not be able to do anything about him being bullied and ridiculed as he is such an amazing person. Maybe have your wife try understand you, and write down your feelings to her and communicate by letters. Me and my brother used to write in a diary and pass it between ourselves if we were upset with one another. It really helped. She sounds like she is being unreasonably difficult. Like she could see her mum, but chooses not to, and hen complains about it. Plus the whole telling you what to eat is Ludacris. Have a budget, and if it is within the budget, do what you like. It kinda sounds like she is unhappy, maybe due to the sudden change of getting married in a week and moving out of home? What culture are you if you don't mind me asking? And also was it a marriage for love or arranged?
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