therealfrench Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 Hey guys, I posted a few days ago about a guy that I have been seeing for 5 weeks and have feelings for, saying I was suffering from the fact he's sleeping with other women. We have met online, and I feel now that the fact we met online is a big reason, if not the main reason why he's not ready to be exclusive; I feel like online dating is kind of slowing down the pace of any (potential) relationship because of the unnatural number of options it provides (and we are in NYC — worst combination ever). I have approached the subject of exclusively impulsively with a text yesterday morning, which I now regret doing so badly, but it was one of those moments. Here's what I said: Are you ever gonna bring up the exclusivity subject or is it just something you are not interested in? He immediately replied: Oh my Didn't expect that Let me think Then, 10 minutes later, a carefully crafted reply came in: I like you. We have a good time every time. I don't think of it as something that would get exclusive too quickly. I don't feel like he's playing with me because he's always been very honest and upfront about seeing other women, but I am confused by his somewhat contradictory response. Having in mind that he's sleeping around became emotionally draining, so a part of me wants to call it quits, but I am attached, and we always do have an amazing time together, so I feel like I may be doing a mistake by ending it too soon (he seems to be having the same feelings I have for him). Do you share my views about internet dating? Should I wait a few weeks and see, and take the risk of remaining hurt? I know for sure he’s looking for a serious relationship and is eager to start a family. Yet I am wondering if he’s taking advantage of a situation (me being there while he sleeps with whoever he wants). I know the dating climate in NYC is just impossible, and I fear it's always going to be the same story repeating itself, which means I would have dumped someone I like for someone I may not like as much, and who's still going to be sleeping around. All my friends keep telling me about how much of an heartbreaking experience dating in New York is... Thank you guys.
bu2002 Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 A few comments 1) When discussing the issue of exclusivity, or any other major topic within a relationship, it needs to be done in person or over the phone. Leave the texting to playful banter/BS'ing and figuring out logistics. If you want him to take the issue seriously, then the manner in which you address it needs to be serious as well. 2) IMO, online dating can slow down the pace of getting something started early on. You might message initially, then one of you gets "busy" meaning you are trying something out with someone else who messaged first, and then if that doesn't work out, you go back to Plan B. So navigating through all that can be frustrating because it's all about timing 3) I think once you get started with a couple of dates, if you two are really into each other, then it should progress normally. Both parties would find it easier to resist inquiries from other online suitors. I know for me, I cannot date two girls at once. I can't invest that much of my brain and energy. 4) Even meeting someone in real life through a friend or other scenario can be just as challenging getting something started. I do the online thing but I was recently introduced to someone by a friend and it turns out the girl really isn't all that interested in dating or making the investment in order to do so. She didn't directly tell me that, but her actions conveyed it. She has an incredibly busy social life and it was grinding teeth just to get in touch her or find a day to meet up. The bottom line was the energy level/chemistry/spark or whatever you call it just wasn't there and part of the reason IMO was because I was just another day filler on her social calendar. From a guys perspective, I think the fundamental difference between online dating and real life is that there are girls that won't give you a chance in an online setting that otherwise would if you met them in real life.
bu2002 Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 Also, what's the deal with him sleeping with other women? If this something you know for sure, or just some paranoia you have? If he's been seeing you for 5 weeks but still sleeping with other women, he's not that into you 2
HappyLove Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 Online dating does the opposite. It usually speeds up the relationship. This guy is just not that into you. He's sleeping with other women and giving you breadcrumbs. Move on to someone who's more serious and into you. If you stay waiting on this guy you're just setting yourself up for a world of hurt! 4
Author therealfrench Posted May 18, 2014 Author Posted May 18, 2014 Also, what's the deal with him sleeping with other women? If this something you know for sure, or just some paranoia you have? If he's been seeing you for 5 weeks but still sleeping with other women, he's not that into you He told me he was dating and therefore sleeping with other women. By "therefore" I mean that he confirmed he was sleeping with them.
soccerrprp Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 OLD is tough. Once I decide on a woman, I stop looking and give it my full attention. Many people don't. I dated a woman that I know after the fact continued seeing other people. Of course we never had the exclusivity talk, so I can't blame her, but it shows you that some people are not voluntarily willing to be upfront about their intentions. Only once did I multi-date and I was clear about this. No hidden agenda. Communication is important. Tell him what you want, expect and hopefully he will tell you the truth about what his intentions are. Your guy has. You know where you stand. You have NO idea where you stand versus the other women he's sleeping with. Have you already been intimate? STD tests needed for sure or find a guy that is not so bold to tell you that you are not worth his time to be exclusive with. He's also telling you that he is currently simply open to having you as just another FWB. That shouldn't be fine with you. 1
bu2002 Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 He told me he was dating and therefore sleeping with other women. By "therefore" I mean that he confirmed he was sleeping with them. Okay then, he's just not THAT into you. You are emotionally ahead of him in the relationship and probably so far ahead at this point, he probably won't be able to catch up. Since you haven't formally defined the exclusivity yet within the relationship, he's not doing anything wrong. However, the exclusivity at this point should basically be a de facto thing if you're both into each other equally. 1
angel.eyes Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 (edited) Sorry you didn't get the response you hoped for to your text. Have to agree that this guy wasn't really into you if he was still sleeping around this far into dating you. I'm in the same dating market FWIW. OLD seemed to put things on warp speed, actually. Guys seemed really eager to limit my options by bringing up exclusivity very early...second or third dates while we were still virtual strangers. You're sticking around even after the guy essentially texted you back that he wanted to continue "shopping" around--something his actions indicated anyway. Learn to walk away. Not every guy is going to like us enough to want a relationship. It is what it is. Tons of other guys out there, many of whom will want a relationship with you. Focus on them. Date guys who are excited and enthusiastic about being with you. You'll enjoy OLD when there's genuinely mutual interest. Edited May 18, 2014 by angel.eyes 2
michellew Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 I think 5 weeks is too soon to bring up exclusivity and you may have scared him away now, by coming off as needy. I also believe a man should be the one to bring this up. I know it's hard knowing he's seeing other people, but this is natural for men...they aren't like us. They need to see other women to make sure you are the best of the best. If you stay strong and confident, you will stand out from the others. I'd also suggest you see other people as well and not be as available anymore, especially after bringing up exclusivity. 1
soccerrprp Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 I think 5 weeks is too soon to bring up exclusivity and you may have scared him away now, by coming off as needy. I also believe a man should be the one to bring this up. I know it's hard knowing he's seeing other people, but this is natural for men...they aren't like us. They need to see other women to make sure you are the best of the best. If you stay strong and confident, you will stand out from the others. I'd also suggest you see other people as well and not be as available anymore, especially after bringing up exclusivity. I disagree that 5-weeks is too soon to have the talk. I'm a guy and know that the decision to be exclusive goes beyond just commitment to each other, but it's also about respect, honesty, seriousness in terms of wanting to get to know the person you are dating. People ask for exclusivity b/c they are announcing their commitment that they are willing to make this relationship work w/o outside distractions. When people don't agree to it, it's clear that they are not committed. After some time, don't count on the guy to bring up the exclusivity talk. Frankly, b/c too many guys are not looking for it. And the notion that it represents "clingyness" is subjective and not entirely true. I seek exclusivity b/c I don't want to have to share STDs, spit and who knows what with others. I am also wanting a healthy, real relationship. Looking back, I think it ironic that only one woman ever made the argument that I needed to see other women to decide if I wanted to be with her. I also thought the idea a little absurd, but, again, looking back, it is clearer that what she was likely saying was that SHE was not finish dating other men. I do agree that the OP should date other men until she gets someone who will meet her needs. I personally don't recommend multi-dating, but this guy she is with now is not serious. 5
deathandtaxes Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 Is NYC really that crazy for dating? Yikes! All you women need to band together and decide to not sleep with guys unless y'all are exclusive. That would nip that **** quick. If you brought up exclusivity and he brushed it off so quick, drop his ass quick. You deserve better. Multi-dating I can understand. I have done it once or twice. It's hard and I don't recommend. Multi-****ing? That's a definite nono.
MissBee Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 (edited) Sigh. Therealfrench, I'm going to be very frank with you: you're making this more complicated or contradictory than it really is. This man has not minced words or played around, he told you quite plainly he is NOT interested in being exclusive. I was shocked after you posted his reply that you're still saying he has the same feelings and if you are ending it too soon...he doesn't have the same feelings and there is not really an official thing to end. The feelings you have are wanting to be exclusive, hence YOU brought up the topic. He doesn't feel the same or else he wouldn't have been shocked by your message, as he admitted he was, and wouldn't have had to "think" about (in 10 short minutes no less, pretty quick to show he already knew the answer). The SAME feelings would mean a response like: 'I'm so glad you brought it up. I was thinking the same thing. Yes, we should be exclusive" or something along those lines.... What he said is the total and complete opposite...he hasn't thought about it, he was surprised you asked him about it, and after 10 minutes concluded, "Nope, I'm good. I like you....but I don't want a relationship" essentially. Listen to it and accept what he is saying...as you will only hurt yourself if you pretend he means something else. You're attached as you said, hence you're finding ways to rationalize continuing, but don't willfully delude yourself, because it wouldn't be him being a player or lying to you, but you choosing to believe something he never said. A man who is genuinely interested in you or a relationship with you wouldn't have responded in that way. As women many of us so often try to make things much more complicated than they are when we don't want to see the truth. If a man is into you and wants a relationship, he is frank. He will have the talk with you. He will try to take you off the market as soon as he can online or not. I met my last two boyfriends online...they brought up the exclusive discussion some weeks after we went out. They were online looking for a relationship....that is what made the difference. Initially I, like they, had gone on dates with other people as well, but once they found me and I them and we connected, they had no desire to see anyone else and put an end to their OLD activities or anyone else they were seeing.That's what someone interested in you as a serious gf does. Online doesn't make a man play the field or "slow down" a relationship....don't blame online. This guy was probably never online looking for a relationship but just to date, and that's fine. If you know this, don't try to convince yourself you're on the same page when you aren't. In any dating, online or off, it is important to know what the person is looking for early on. If their profile says "Casual, short term, dating"....believe it! They most likely aren't looking to find a gf or wife. If they say they are looking for something longterm but you start dating and they are sleeping with other women and tell you they don't see you being exclusive....believe it! But the simple formula is: Man interested in relationship and one with YOU: will not hide it and will let you know and will HAPPILY have this discussion and make moves to make it so. Man not interested in relationship or one with YOU: will be vague, avoid any discussion of exclusivity or will be forthright and let you know he is seeing others and doesn't plan on stopping anytime soon. Your guy did the latter...so the ball is in your court to see it for what it is or try to close your eyes and turn it into something else and string your own self along. Edited May 18, 2014 by MissBee 5
soccerrprp Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 You WANT a relationship. Look for one with someone who is showing you NOW that that is his intention. MissBee is right. Guys who want to be with you will let you know and show it. He doesn't feel the same way you feel. It's very clear. 1
Author therealfrench Posted May 18, 2014 Author Posted May 18, 2014 Soccerrprp, yes, you are probably right.
soccerrprp Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 Soccerrprp, yes, you are probably right. Not, probably. You know all too well that this is not worth your time, self-respect, self-worth, mental health to let someone so much control over you that it wrecks you and your healthy needs/wants. Some people waste years as victims when it doesn't have to be that way. Some people learn sooner than later as to what needs to be done AND then DO IT. Others, unfortunately, allow themselves to be used, abused, strung along to the point that it completely skews whatever hope or healthy view of life they had. Making themselves and those around them question, risk....don't let this guy or any relationship do that you. 2
bene Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 I know you're upset because you didn't expect this answer but actually he's doing you a favor by being frank. He didn't string you along with some fake promises. Bluntness can hurt but now you have the information. 5 weeks is a short time, but long enough to know if you want to concentrate on this person or keep looking for other options. Chalk it up to experience and move on with dating.
mammasita Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 OP if you're already sleeping with this guy, which IMO was a mistake because you had no idea where you stood, then you will never get exclusivity, much less a relationship from him. 5 weeks is not too soon to know whether the other person is seeing just you. It does not take that long to figure out. Again, exclusivity does not imply a relationship. However conversely we all know that you are obviously exclusive if you are in a relationship. It's not a crime to want to meet someone who wants to only date one person at a time and certainly not a crime to ask up front. Sure your odds might be stacked against you in NYC but I'm pretty sure there are some good guys out there.
SunnySide0418 Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 Are you sleeping with him knowing he is also sleeping with others?
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 My personal feeling about OLD is that it CAN contribute to slowing down the pace for relationships but ultimately depends on the person individually. I've commented many times about OLD and how it often times feel more like an enormous online shopping mall with with endless options than a place where you might meet "the one". Even the most virtuous members with good intentions can get swept up in all the potential prospects and fantasies fueled by the fact that new members are added daily. I have no doubt your man is looking for a serious relationship but for now, it is clear as crystal he is thoroughly enjoying playing the field. And you are just another number in his cell right now. What concerns me in your opening post is the comment; "I know for sure he’s looking for a serious relationship and is eager to start a family. Yet I am wondering if he’s taking advantage of a situation (me being there while he sleeps with whoever he wants)." Do you think that HE thinks YOU are "the one" for him but is too busy enjoying himself to commit to you right now? I hope for your sake I'm reading that wrong. I understand the climate for dating in NYC is infamous but to white-knuckle cling to someone that is clearly taking advantage of you in the hopes he'll come to his senses is just plain stupid. Save your dignity sweetie. As I see it, you have two options; you either put an end to him treating you like another booty call (and that is exactly what you are when you boil it down) OR enjoy the time you get with him but realize that he's just a good f*ck and nothing more. Bottom line? Regardless of which way you go, GET OUT THERE AND DATE OTHER MEN!! Hanging around hoping for more from this guy is a one-way ticket to heartbreakville. You deserve better. 1
Woggle Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 To me online messes up relationships because part of getting to know somebody and meeting them is face to face interaction. That aspect of dating is distorted when you have what is pretty much an electronic shopping mall full of people.
HappyLove Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 To me online messes up relationships because part of getting to know somebody and meeting them is face to face interaction. That aspect of dating is distorted when you have what is pretty much an electronic shopping mall full of people. Most people who OLD do what this guy is doing. They have GIGS. OLDing is a joke! Works for very FEW people.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 This guy is not that into you. He'll have easy sex with you as long as you allow it, but you're not "the girl" for him, and you never will be. I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh, but the truth is plain as day. You just don't want to see it because the post-sex hormones have bonded you to him emotionally, and it hurts to realize he just sees you as a convenient interlude, replaceable with any woman in the ballpark of you. It has nothing to do with online dating. Online dating has its downsides, of course, but that's not the problem here. I met my last boyfriend on OLD, and within a few weeks he told he had deleted his profile and didn't want to date anyone else. I didn't have to ask. He offered it freely, because he wanted to secure the relationship. I think you're only going to get hurt more if you keep seeing this guy. And as they say, if you lose, don't lose a lesson: If you want a relationship and not just a hook-up, in the future, don't have sex with a guy before you're exclusive and both emotionally invested.
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