AmyBamy Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 Someone said to me in a different thread that if I was ever married and had my husband cheat on me I would view things differently. Problem is they didn't realize I have been married and had my husband cheat on me which is why he is my ex husband now and has been for many years. I was the BW for about a month before I found out and I filed for divorce two days after I found out. I only waited two days because it was a Friday and I had to wait until Monday to do so. I still feel exactly the same way I have always felt about this issue. I won't tolerate someone cheating on me. If other people do so that is their business and not mine. So, what is everyone's history? Have you been married before? Are you a former BS? If so, did it change your views on affairs? If not, do you think it would change your views on affairs if you were the BS? 1
Speakingofwhich Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 I've been married before and am a former BS whose H left while having an A that I didn't realize was going on until years after the D. I can't say that knowing about it changed my views on affairs. Although I'm an OW I have a lot of guilt about it and would encourage anyone having an A to try to bring resolution to it. I have been in this A twice with many years in between times. During that hiatus I was very careful in all of my dealings with married men so as not to flirt or encourage anyone of them to behave in any way they wouldn't were their wives present. I wouldn't even have a business lunch with a MM unless at least one other person was present. I'm involved in something I totally disapprove of. 1
Hope Shimmers Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 I think most of us have posted our stories multiple times on this and other forums here and so I don't see a need to post it again in this thread. (If every new person to this forum asked us all to post our histories, that's all we would be doing). Do you have a specific question for this thread, other than asking people to post their histories?
Author AmyBamy Posted May 18, 2014 Author Posted May 18, 2014 I think most of us have posted our stories multiple times on this and other forums here and so I don't see a need to post it again in this thread. (If every new person to this forum asked us all to post our histories, that's all we would be doing). Do you have a specific question for this thread, other than asking people to post their histories? Yes, my specific questions were listed at the end. If you are a single OW/OM were you married before? If so, were you a BS? Did it change your views on affairs? If not, do you think it would change your views on affairs? I can add too that I was curious if after being a BS if it changed your views on your partners and outside relationships. It did not for me. I still have the same boundaries as I had when I was married and before I was cheated on. I was curious if anyone else had experienced anything similar or different.
Author AmyBamy Posted May 18, 2014 Author Posted May 18, 2014 I'm not sure why this was moved. It was specifically to affair partners?
Robert Z Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 (edited) I think my ex cheated on me but by then I didn't even care. I do think people need to get real. We are all subject to temptations and have our moments of weakness. To me, cheating alone wouldn't be the end all. It would depend on whether it was a moment of weakness or a difficult time, or more than that. I can even understand relationships where cheating is allowed. As people get older, relationships often grow to be more a practical matter between two people who care about each other, than a matter of passionate love. If you can't forgive someone for being human, then perhaps you never really loved them in the first place. And maybe that is why they cheated. I often wonder if control issues play as large of a role in the anger as the betrayed lover syndrome does. If I had cheated and gotten caught, my ex would have blown a fuse and been the perpetual victim forevermore. But I know she didn't give a sht about me for years. She only cared about her territory... and future earnings. Edited May 18, 2014 by Robert Z 1
Author AmyBamy Posted May 18, 2014 Author Posted May 18, 2014 I think my ex cheated on me but by then I didn't even care. I do think people need to get real. We are all subject to temptations and have our moments of weakness. To me, cheating alone wouldn't be the end all. It would depend on whether it was a moment of weakness or a difficult time, or more than that. I can even understand relationships where cheating is allowed. As people get older, relationships often grow to be more a practical matter between two people who care about each other, than a matter of passionate love. If you can't forgive someone for being human, then perhaps you never really loved them in the first place. And maybe that is why they cheated. I often wonder if control issues play as large of a role in the anger as the betrayed lover syndrome does. If I had cheated and gotten caught, my ex would have blown a fuse and been the perpetual victim forevermore. But I know she didn't give a sht about me for years. She only cared about her territory... and future earnings. In my case it wasn't a lack of love for my ex husband at all. Our marriage was miserable for both of us. I don't know why we couldn't get it together because I think that we both tried but it just never seemed to line up at the right time. I don't doubt that we loved each other but at the point that I found out he had a girlfriend I was just relieved that I had a real reason to divorce him. Up to that point I just felt like he wasn't doing anything that warranted a divorce in my mind. Looking back now I wish I had just left sooner but you live and learn. I could have forgiven him for the affair if I had wanted to and worked on it. But I just wanted out of the marriage. He actually did me a favor by having an affair and to this day I am thankful for that in that it moved me to do what neither of us could bring ourselves to do before that. I feel exactly the same way today about relationships that I did then. My boundaries are the same. Being married didn't change that. Being cheated on didn't change that. Being an affair partner didn't change it. The only difference I can see at all is that I probably won't ever get married again because I don't see the point and don't want to feel legally contracted to stay in a relationship if I don't want to. Another thread brought this up since someone said that I would feel differently if it was MY husband texting another female but they were wrong because I have been there and I don't feel different. I was wondering if anyone else had been in similar situations and did feel differently once they were married, or betrayed, or the affair partner.
dichotomy Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 (edited) I have been married twice and cheated on in both (1st marrige WW had PA, second WE was EA but complicated then just an EA). first one I eventually filed for divorce after trying a very short time. Second one I decided to stay and help her work on it (and myself) My views have changed a bit on affairs. I had a pretty hard line on them and the people who did them. Years of pain and debates (internally and externally) over casual sex and affairs - have worn me down, and I kind of just accept people are flawed and affairs happen alot. Myself personally on cheating, I have gone from affair proof (would never ever) to affair resistant (there is a possibility). Edited May 18, 2014 by dichotomy
cocorico Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 So, what is everyone's history? Have you been married before? Are you a former BS? If so, did it change your views on affairs? If not, do you think it would change your views on affairs if you were the BS? I was a single OW. I ad been M before, but AFAIK not a BS. I am now M to my fMM. My views on As have not changed.
2.50 a gallon Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 I caught my Ex cheating on me. Very angrily I let her know the marriage was over, and it was not safe for her to come home. I kicked her out, and just walked away. I let her file for divorce Up until then, married women had been taboo. After that, I no longer cared. A few months down the road, I ended up having sex with about half a dozen married co-workers. Quit simply, they befriended me at a time that I had no friends. As we became friends, I began hearing all of their sad tales of their unhappy marriages, a lot of which was their unhappy sex lives. Actually I learned a great deal from them. I can now see some things from a woman's perspective and how their needs differ greatly from that of a man's. I am now a little softer on my views of infidelity. And at the same time I have used that knowledge in my current relationship and in turn that has helped me to be able to once more trust a woman. However, I might have soften my views on others cheating, my views on my personal relationship are simple, she cheats and I am gone. 1
William Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 I'm not sure why this was moved. It was specifically to affair partners? You're not in an affair nor suspect your partner of one, hence in accordance with the stated purpose of the Infidelity forum and our forum guidelines, the thread, along with dozens of other threads which similarly do not follow our guidelines, was moved. Moderation's suggestion is to focus on topic and leave it to us to run the forum part. Thanks!
Author AmyBamy Posted May 18, 2014 Author Posted May 18, 2014 You're not in an affair nor suspect your partner of one, hence in accordance with the stated purpose of the Infidelity forum and our forum guidelines, the thread, along with dozens of other threads which similarly do not follow our guidelines, was moved. Moderation's suggestion is to focus on topic and leave it to us to run the forum part. Thanks! Okay. I was an AP and am now trying to figure out whether or not to carry on with him now that he is in the process of divorce. I thought that made me an OW. I misunderstood. Thanks. 1
gettingstronger Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 BS, 16 months post ddayand our OW continues to intrude. My view on affairs have not changed. I have always thought they were for the weak. My view on my husband has changed. I did not know he could be do weak. I have always believed in redemption and that's why it's possible for us to work on reconciliation.
Author AmyBamy Posted May 18, 2014 Author Posted May 18, 2014 I caught my Ex cheating on me. Very angrily I let her know the marriage was over, and it was not safe for her to come home. I kicked her out, and just walked away. I let her file for divorce Up until then, married women had been taboo. After that, I no longer cared. A few months down the road, I ended up having sex with about half a dozen married co-workers. Quit simply, they befriended me at a time that I had no friends. As we became friends, I began hearing all of their sad tales of their unhappy marriages, a lot of which was their unhappy sex lives. Actually I learned a great deal from them. I can now see some things from a woman's perspective and how their needs differ greatly from that of a man's. I am now a little softer on my views of infidelity. And at the same time I have used that knowledge in my current relationship and in turn that has helped me to be able to once more trust a woman. However, I might have soften my views on others cheating, my views on my personal relationship are simple, she cheats and I am gone. This is pretty much how I feel too. Prior to my ex husband having an affair I was somewhat delusional in believing that once people got married that was it, they stopped looking. I was young and naive and that experience taught me a lot. My ex husband was not the "type" to have an affair and everyone was shocked when he did. I realized then that people can be driven to do things out of their character when under a lot of stress and when very unhappy when all the "options" they have suck. I forgave my ex husband for his affair a long time ago because I absolutely understood why he chose that route. We were young and freshly married and everyone was saying it wasn't going to last and neither of us wanted to prove them right. So he did the best thing he could think of at the time to find some happiness and comfort for himself. I did not have an affair but I sure thought about it during that time because like I said I was absolutely miserable. But divorce seemed embarrassing and miserable so I settled for just being miserable for a couple of years. That is the only thing that changed for me. That after being in a miserable marriage I had some pretty good insight to why some people choose to have affairs. It opened my eyes to the flaws in marriage in general and made me see that people really do deserve happiness while here on earth and it's not clear cut always. It gave me perspective that I did not have previously since I had never been exposed to infidelity in my life. I talked to my ex husband's AP we actually knew each other since childhood. He didn't lie to her about anything. Everything he said to her was true. He and I had stopped talking we were not having sex (for at least a year and a half before her) and we were miserable. I let her know that he was honest with her. I had no reason to try to make it seem like our marriage was great and he was just an *******. He wasn't. He was just a guy who was in a situation he didn't know how to get out of gracefully. I'm thankful for the experience. It took the boogey man of "an affair" off my list of unknowns and scary things. It's not that scary. It hurts some sure but I'm still breathing happily afterwards. I feared it far more than I should have all those years because it wasn't nearly as bad as I feared it to be. Our imaginations are wild that way in building stuff up that when it actually happens we are like really? That's what I was scared of all that time? But, like you, I do not tolerate affairs in my life. If someone is dishonest with me about anything I roll. I don't have time for it and it's a dealbreaker for me. I have found that it's not a dealbreaker for a lot of people and that's their choice but in my life I require complete honesty. If I don't get that then I'm not interested. And after walking away from my one and only marriage I find it's not that hard to walk away when someone disrespects my boundaries. I grieve and heal and move on. Part of life and I'm not scared of it anymore because of the experiences I've been through.
joystickd Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 So, what is everyone's history? Have you been married before? Are you a former BS? Well my history. I was a late bloomer lost my virginity at 25 to a married woman. Yep! My first experience was being an OM. It ended horribly due to her issues and manipulation. It didn't help that I was slow to catch on to the fact that she was using my reaction to the things she did to make me look like the bad guy. That happened in 2007-2008. Now she still talks about me like I am doing stuff to her and it's 2014. I have nothing to do with her. Hell she even broke up a relationship I had with someone that I saw as marriage material. 2011 while working at a nursing home I was an OM to a coworker. I eventually left that job because of her having feelings for me and I just didn't want to pursue that. I then became an OM to a CNA at the other job I was working we were together for a year I left that job and ended that because I liked someone that was single. The single woman ended up being nothing but a time waster. I met another women I really liked but it didn't work out. She had a lot going on sick dad and mom issues so at the same time I met another CNA and became her OM. The single woman I liked that situation wasn't moving the way I hoped. I was horny and needed some relief and the CNA provided that. On some level I get enjoyment being the OM because the guys that have women I'm f**kin remind me so much of the guys that gave me crap during my struggles. Then I hate it but continue because I still have trouble with single women. I tend to meet women I like but waste time or just not really into men. Being the OM strokes my ego and keeps me from being so down in the dumps about my situation.
compulsivedancer Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 Okay. I was an AP and am now trying to figure out whether or not to carry on with him now that he is in the process of divorce. I thought that made me an OW. I misunderstood. Thanks. Amy, regardless of your status, they usually move threads that do not contain details of your personal situation. I have found that a simple question gets moved to geberal discussions, whereas a more personal question is usually not (it tends to be interpreted more as asking for advice.)
Woggle Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 I was in a miserable and volatile marriage that ended in her cheating and looking back I should have left before that. Only her never ending unpleasable needs mattered and my needs meant nothing so the divorce was a blessing. After the divorce I had serious trust issues and anger with women but I am now with a woman who has more than earned my trust and love and I realize good women do exist. I know now I am strong enough that if a woman cheats I am gone. I have a zero tolerance policy towards it. 1
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