firmness Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 This could be a very long post, but I will do my best to keep it simple. First the facts: - She is separated, I am divorced - She is 42 I am 49 - She is an artist, I am a Professor - We both have kids, hers live with her, mine are here every other weekend. - She is super friendly and flirty. We got close pretty quickly - met online so that takes care of easy compatibility stuff very quickly in the matching process. We clicked sexually, romantically, etc. She has a married guy in her neighborhood who has a crush on her. Just take my word, the explanation would take too long. She has told me how "great a guy" he is. He is wealthy and pretty attractive. Very flirty and they hug each other when they meet. His wife is not happy with her and has been funny a few times - she has told me. On more than one Friday when she has had the opportunity to see me, she has called it off or said she is tired. Fair enough. I get that way too. Just one small thing. But her pattern is that she says she is going to bed early and cannot talk - she tells me this at 5:00 in the afternoon. It has been 4 months and this is almost a weekly thing with her. Last night she was buzzed - went out with a female friend - and was trying to talk about some other person, but slipped his name three times. She apologized and joked about it. In a new relationship, I think that we all send signals. Perhaps we dress a little more conservatively. Share stories. Tell our whereabouts. Explain situations, etc. We do this to make sure our partners feel comfortable. She does not seem to be moving in the right direction. And it is entirely inappropriate for me to ask for these things. I am a caveman deep down inside, but I have learned from the men around me that expressing these feelings, or asking for her to change, is a no no. So I am inclined to just accept the fact that she is not ready for me. She may have something for this guy. She says she loves me, but there is this shady aspect to things. She is an adult and should know better. This is the shortest version I can muster. My instincts tell me that I need to be worried. But I am not a worrier. I am a walker. If I feel this way, I usually walk away. If it is me, then I have the problem. If it is her, then I still have the problem. Either way, I do not want to feel this way. I do not want to walk away from this amazing woman, but I cannot accept things as they are. I cannot ask her to change for me in these ways. So, what do you think?
todreaminblue Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 And it is entirely inappropriate for me to ask for these things. I am a caveman deep down inside, but I have learned from the men around me that expressing these feelings, or asking for her to change, is a no no. it might be inappropriate to ask her to change.....but explanations for actions or behaviour and wanting yourself and your partner to feel comfortable are necessary for a relationship to continue so is honesty..... if i was doing something that upset my partner i would want to know....honesty is never wrong in a relationship unless it is cruel and unusual...what you describe in my opinion though,is usual honesty and necessary for your relationship to flourish...... if she is serious about you she will want to know how to make you happy....everyone actually has to make adjustments not necessarily change..... going into a relationship because you have to consider anothers feelings and thoughts...... if you dont want or feel the need to adjust and you think honesty is a no no when you feel uncomfortable with hr actions or behaviours.............then that relationship will fail.....she should want to adjust so you come together in a mutually satisfying union based on understanding and compromise that you both feel comfortable with.............if she doesnt want to compromise and adjust to being a couple with you in particular....so in other words just two singles who are together for now...........then the relationship is a no no for you....so speak to her calmly and dont back away from what you feel is right for th relationship and each other and have peace with you.......best wishes....deb 1
DArtagnan2 Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 So for 4 months every Friday night she goes to bed early? Does she work on Saturday or just winding down from the week? She says this man's wife is not happy with her? why? I dont know man, too vague to really say for sure. But truth will be told and if for whatever reason, she is seeing this dude on Friday nights while his wife is not around, (as I am guessing that is where you are going with the Friday nights), then that's a whole other issue. Sure, it could have been going on from before you came around, but if someone is Ok getting involved with someone who is already in a relationship, that says a lot to me about the character. and that kind of character, I am ok with not being around, and especially not being in a relationship with. 1
angel.eyes Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 ... I do not want to walk away from this amazing woman, but I cannot accept things as they are. I cannot ask her to change for me in these ways. So, what do you think? So, to summarize: She is unavailable after 5 pm on most Friday evenings because she goes to sleep early on those days. She already has two guys in her orbit--a husband (separated but not divorced) and this flirty, rich, married neighborhood dude she likes to hug, whose suspicious wife doesn't welcome her presence in their lives. You won't let her go despite your concerns because she is just so amazing. Your concerns would be more than sufficient reason for many to flee the scene. You're saying, however, that she's far too amazing in your eyes to walk away. We all make choices based on what matters most to us. You have to figure out what traits are most critical to you in the people you date, and it seems as if you've decided what you want to prioritize. Since you feel she's so special that you're willing to overlook your deep-seated concerns and play potential guy#3, with a pissed-off spouse (maybe two) lurking in the background as your OP suggests, then keep things simple by planning your dates on Saturdays and Sundays. Spare both you and her the awkwardness of her last minute cancellations since that's not an available time slot for you.
Author firmness Posted May 18, 2014 Author Posted May 18, 2014 (edited) ...but explanations for actions or behaviour and wanting yourself and your partner to feel comfortable are necessary for a relationship to continue so is honesty..... if i was doing something that upset my partner i would want to know....honesty is never wrong in a relationship Thanks Deb. The challenge is that I have never had a woman make any changes. Women demand to be accepted for who they are and more than ever are not willing to flex or adjust. It is just very rare. Your advice is excellent, and I am just stuck on these things: 1. I do not expect a woman whom I have been dating for a few months to make any lifestyle changes. Her time is her time and I respect that. 2. If she is cheating (we agreed to be exclusive) she is not going to tell me. If I ask her anything about this odd behavior, it makes ME look bad/jealous. 3. If I ask and she denies it - then what? Now I look/feel like a jerk. Got the answer I expected anyway. And she will likely continue the behavior. I guess I am expecting her to understand these sorts of things. It is not about "compliance" or changing anything, but about making your new partner feel as if you are moving towards the same thing. I make extra efforts (very simple and easy ones) that try to communicate my feelings, intentions, whereabouts, etc. I want her to feel comfortable, happy, and secure in the relationship and no one has to tell me how to act in this regard. She should not have to ask me - and I shouldn't have to ask her. We are not teenagers. In fact that last paragraph is what I will likely say to her when/if I break up with her. It is looking that way at this point. Not because she is bad, but because she does not get this very simple and basic relationship thing. I spent a lifetime learning it repeatedly, and so I have a hard time believing that a woman would not know this. Edited May 18, 2014 by firmness Clarity on last paragraph
ExpatInItaly Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 I would not continue this. Something isn't right with this married man. And she sounds as though she has a standing date with someone else on Friday nights.
Poppygoodwill Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 I disagree with your thesis about people changing and what we can and can't ask for. That aside, if your instincts are telling you something is off, then I would follow them. The question is: what to do about it? If you can live with this, then say nothing and go along with the current situation. If you can't live with it, then walk away without saying anything. OR....sit her down and say you're feeling pretty serious about her and that you'd like to take it to the next level which means that you both go exclusive. You don't see other people, and neither does she. If you take this positive spin on it then she might opt to put others aside not because you demanded it of her, but because you offered her something she wants, with the condition that she is with you alone. She decides it's worth the sacrifice and makes the choice herself. And if you agree on that condition, and she breaks it, and you find out, then you are entitled to walk. 1
angel.eyes Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 They have already agreed to be exclusive. ...(we agreed to be exclusive)...
ja123 Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 Hi OP, I saw your post #6 in response to deb. Here's a suggestion: keep your concerns very general for now and see how see reacts. Ask questions as to ascertain whether she is on the same page. Eg., How do you see the relationship? Are you looking for something serious? How do you show your partner you are serious ... etc. Listen to what she says and determine if her behavior matches her words. If it doesn't then she's dishonest not only to you, but probably herself. If her behavior matches her words, then this is an indicator of some compatibility issues. Whether they are small and require adjustment can then be broached, perhaps during another conversation. You might also want to ask yourself the same questions and make a needs and values inventory of your own. However, reading your opening post, I would say that she is not serious about any relationship right now. Why? She is only separated, not divorced, and she is 42. That is smack in the middle of mid-life crisis time, so she probably wants male attention and to play the field a bit. Based on those details alone, I would proceed with great caution or walk.
bubbaganoosh Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 Seems to me that your doing all the work in the relationship and she's just taking it all in. Now if it was me, I would back off some and let her start walking towards you for a change. I thinks she knows that your willing to bend to her rules and when that happens, then why change when you can have it your way. If your in a relationship with someone, your going to have to do a bit of adjusting because there's no such thing as a perfect fit and if she isn't willing to budge, then either get used to her having her way 24/7 or move on. Personally, I don't buy this Friday night hibernation every week.
Art_Critic Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 Personally, I don't buy this Friday night hibernation every week. Neither do I.. there is more there... As someone who was where you are back in the day... I'd walk.. She is using you.. keeping you close because she is still in emotional turmoil while losing a failing marriage. She is also using the other guys, including the one(s) you don't know about.. Either have it out, cards on the table.. since you are exclusive she shouldn't have any orbiters and should blow them off or just move on, she doesn't seem to be ready to commit to you and certainly can't totally as she is still married.
HappyLove Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 Telling you about some rich attractive guy who's wife doesn't like her is a HUGE red flag! You are suspicious about her Friday night routine. I don't know how you tolerate someone canceling on you or not being available every friday night for 4 months! I don't think you two are on the same page but if you are exclusive and something us bothering you, you need to talk to her about it.
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