Zahara Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 I told him I'm not ok with this situation. Not ok with being an option. He told me I was never an option. He told you that you were never an option, but unfortunately neither did he make you a priority. I told him we should stop seeing and he agreed. This is your answer. I told him he always make me cry. He told me he want for me to be happy. I told him I can't without him. His reply: ugh. I don't like this. This is your answer. The end. He's online on adult friend finder. He was online on pof this morning. He's online on yahoo messenger... What else do I need? Nothing. I had a job interview this morning and went wrong because I feel so miserable. I need to regain my life now. I can't keep feeling like this forever. You've sabotaged yourself for a man. If you don't want to keep feeling this way forever, then it stops now. I only hope he'll keep his word and font contact me anymore. If he does, he'll hurt me more because I do care for him. IT IS NOT HIS RESPONSIBILITY to keep you on track with your decision to heal and move on. IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to resist and ignore any contact from him because YOU have chosen to let this go and never look back. And, he will be back. It's a choice you have to make as to whether you really want to keep feeling like this forever or if you don't.
Author irresolute Posted June 3, 2014 Author Posted June 3, 2014 FEELING GUILTY. I texted the guy and asked him answers, that he couldn't give me. I wanted to call him, he denied it, saying he was busy at work. I asked, desperately, some answers, he told me to hold on because he was busy, but two hours later he still didn't reply to me, which it's not unusual, as he gets really busy at work, but he was online all morning at pof (wtf!) so I went to see my counselor this afternoon, I was feeling miserable and about to texted him again, because I had a tremendous amount of anxiety. So the counselor had to intervene. He made me commit to say I wouldn't text him anymore. Moreover, he asked me if I could turn my iphone off until Thursday, day I have to meet him again (the counselor, not the guy). I agreed. So my iphone is turned off. And he also made me commit that I won't stalk him on the internet, which I promised. But I'm feeling guilty because in case he texts me, he'll think I've blocked him, plus he'll see I've disappeared from the dating sites, he might think I've blocked him OMG! How can I overcome this? Should I feel guilty?
scorpiogirl Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 FEELING GUILTY. I texted the guy and asked him answers, that he couldn't give me. I wanted to call him, he denied it, saying he was busy at work. I asked, desperately, some answers, he told me to hold on because he was busy, but two hours later he still didn't reply to me, which it's not unusual, as he gets really busy at work, but he was online all morning at pof (wtf!) so I went to see my counselor this afternoon, I was feeling miserable and about to texted him again, because I had a tremendous amount of anxiety. So the counselor had to intervene. He made me commit to say I wouldn't text him anymore. Moreover, he asked me if I could turn my iphone off until Thursday, day I have to meet him again (the counselor, not the guy). I agreed. So my iphone is turned off. And he also made me commit that I won't stalk him on the internet, which I promised. But I'm feeling guilty because in case he texts me, he'll think I've blocked him, plus he'll see I've disappeared from the dating sites, he might think I've blocked him OMG! How can I overcome this? Should I feel guilty? Who cares what he thinks?? He doesn't want to be with you. Just stop! How many ways can you have your question answered? Seriously. Move on.
Zahara Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 FEELING GUILTY. But I'm feeling guilty because in case he texts me, he'll think I've blocked him, plus he'll see I've disappeared from the dating sites, he might think I've blocked him OMG! How can I overcome this? Should I feel guilty? So what? The guy doesn't care about you. He doesn't love you. He doesn't want to be with you. What does it matter whether he knows you've blocked him or not? NC should be about you -- YOU wanting to stop this obsession you have with him. Not about how it's going to affect him? And trust me, it won't affect him because he is not emotionally invested in you. You're not feeling guilty. You're feeling deathly afraid of facing the fact that you are losing a hold of him. Afraid of accepting that it's done, it's over. If he knows he's blocked, he's gone and you can't handle that. 1
Author irresolute Posted June 3, 2014 Author Posted June 3, 2014 I somehow feel liberated with my iPhone turned off and me away from Old. But yes, I'm feeling awfully sad about all this. While I think my counselor (and you all) are right, i still feel guilty I've cut all contact. The guy might not want to be with me but he doesn't deserve this treatment. anyways I can't do otherwise, I promised my counselor I won't contact him. This is hard
Zahara Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 I somehow feel liberated with my iPhone turned off and me away from Old. But yes, I'm feeling awfully sad about all this. While I think my counselor (and you all) are right, i still feel guilty I've cut all contact. The guy might not want to be with me but he doesn't deserve this treatment. anyways I can't do otherwise, I promised my counselor I won't contact him. This is hard He doesn't deserve this treatment? He doesn't care, do you understand that? What you do has no bearing on him because he is not emotionally invested in you. You are projecting how you would feel if someone did it to you. You tried to contact him and he treated you like the plague. He doesn't care to protect contact that he has with you. He has no issues cutting it off. He has no problems evading and avoiding you. So, what in heavens name are you going on about guilt and how he doesn't deserve NC? The most he'll feel is an ego bruise and then he'll go on POF and talk to a few girls and get over it. 1
Author irresolute Posted June 3, 2014 Author Posted June 3, 2014 Honestly, how come he doesn't have any feelings? How come??? We've had our moments, he knows me and I know him, it's not that we met yesterday or that we have no history together, then how come he doesn't care??? I hope I'll understand this some day because now I feel confused and lost. You all telling me he doesn't care....so sad. I don't think hell have his ego bruised though....why would this happen? He knows how I feel. I think he'll think I'm crazy I've blocked him and disappeared.
Zahara Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 Honestly, how come he doesn't have any feelings? How come??? We've had our moments, he knows me and I know him, it's not that we met yesterday or that we have no history together, then how come he doesn't care??? I hope I'll understand this some day because now I feel confused and lost. You all telling me he doesn't care....so sad. I don't think hell have his ego bruised though....why would this happen? He knows how I feel. I think he'll think I'm crazy I've blocked him and disappeared. He was an FWB. Women have sex and they translate that to love. Then there are men that have sex and translate that to...sex. He had his moments with you and that is what they are, moments. Enjoying the moment and nothing more. You unfortunately magnified your "moments" to something more -- you romanticized and idealized this whole thing when there wasn't really anything, most likely surface level feelings on his part. You were never even in a relationship with this man, so what history? History as in you both talked on the phone, met a few times, had sex, had your drama? AGAIN, it doesn't matter how he perceives NC and how it affects him, NC is for you to move on from this crazy obsessiveness that you have with a man that isn't/wasn't even in a relationship with you. The man is seeking other women and you are still going on about how he's going to perceive you. If he cares for you, he would be communicating with you, he wouldn't be avoiding you. The only "crazy" he sees right now is you pushing him for answers and forcing him to love you when he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. 1
Author irresolute Posted June 3, 2014 Author Posted June 3, 2014 (edited) He was an FWB. Women have sex and they translate that to love. Then there are men that have sex and translate that to...sex. He had his moments with you and that is what they are, moments. Enjoying the moment and nothing more. You unfortunately magnified your "moments" to something more -- you romanticized and idealized this whole thing when there wasn't really anything, most likely surface level feelings on his part. You were never even in a relationship with this man, so what history? History as in you both talked on the phone, met a few times, had sex, had your drama? AGAIN, it doesn't matter how he perceives NC and how it affects him, NC is for you to move on from this crazy obsessiveness that you have with a man that isn't/wasn't even in a relationship with you. The man is seeking other women and you are still going on about how he's going to perceive you. If he cares for you, he would be communicating with you, he wouldn't be avoiding you. The only "crazy" he sees right now is you pushing him for answers and forcing him to love you when he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. This is very clear. Painful, but clear. If I was only a fwb, no feelings involved, why he kept meeting me, agreeing to meet with me, texting me, looking for me, etc, when he knew EXACTLY how I feel about it. Was it because he is selfish and didn't really care about anything? Why on earth he continued with this? Edit to add: "moments". Yes, that's exactly what he continued telling me over and over: "I enjoy my moments with you". And I kept asking him, and he continued to repeat this. He enjoyed our moments together. then he would add that I'm an awesome girl. and me, poor soul, poor lonely soul, I thought he could have loved me sometime. I feel sad, awfully sad. Edited June 3, 2014 by irresolute
Zahara Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 (edited) This is very clear. Painful, but clear. If I was only a fwb, no feelings involved, why he kept meeting me, agreeing to meet with me, texting me, looking for me, etc, when he knew EXACTLY how I feel about it. Was it because he is selfish and didn't really care about anything? Why on earth he continued with this? Irresolute, there's one thing you need to understand. Just because a man pursues you, it doesn't mean he loves you. He had you as a benefit -- someone he could have sex with. You met him on Ashley Madison. He once said he wanted to taste you after you've been with other men, if I recall correctly. He's been on dating sites seeking other women. With all that, what sort of man do you think you are dealing with? A man that is going to be considerate of your feelings, a man that is seeking an emotional and fulfilling relationship -- or someone that will use whatever he can get, if and when he knows it is available to him, an emotionally unhealthy creep who is out there for all the wrong reasons? You were available to him to give him the sex and attention that he needed. If you presented yourself as an FWB, a guy who is looking for sex and attention will almost always revisit a past opportunity. You have this thing in your head that just because he revisited you, he had feelings for you -- no, he had wants/needs. He doesn't care how you feel. All he cares is about what he gets. Even with him contacting you now, he knows he can't give you what you want and yet he still keeps engaging with you. What does that tell you? He doesn't care about how it affects you because a man that cares about you, when knowing he can't give you what you want and knows that contact hurts you, will do the kind thing and leave you alone so that you can heal and move on. The scumbags that keep entering your life when they know it hurts you are the ones that don't give a crap about you. Edited June 3, 2014 by Zahara
Author irresolute Posted June 3, 2014 Author Posted June 3, 2014 Irresolute, there's one thing you need to understand. Just because a man pursues you, it doesn't mean he loves you. He had you as a benefit -- someone he could have sex with. You met him on Ashley Madison. He once said he wanted to taste you after you've been with other men, if I recall correctly. He's been on dating sites seeking other women. With all that, what sort of man do you think you are dealing with? A man that is going to be considerate of your feelings, a man that is seeking an emotional and fulfilling relationship -- or someone that will use whatever he can get, if and when he knows it is available to him, an emotionally unhealthy creep who is out there for all the wrong reasons? You were available to him to give him the sex and attention that he needed. If you presented yourself as an FWB, a guy who is looking for sex and attention will almost always revisit a past opportunity. You have this thing in your head that just because he revisited you, he had feelings for you -- no, he had wants/needs. He doesn't care how you feel. All he cares is about what he gets. Even with him contacting you now, he knows he can't give you what you want and yet he still keeps engaging with you. What does that tell you? He doesn't care about how it affects you because a man that cares about you, when knowing he can't give you what you want and knows that contact hurts you, will do the kind thing and leave you alone so that you can heal and move on. The scumbags that keep entering your life when they know it hurts you are the ones that don't give a crap about you. Do you think he's an unhealthy creep? Yes, he kept entering to my life, I opened the doors though. But he could have opted the contrary, and ignore me. Right? If he knew what he knew, all the tears he caused, Me loving him, Me wanting more, me forcing him to date etc...and STILL he agreed. He could have ignored. He could have said no. Yet, he engaged. One time, a million times. You know what, I've been for so long inside this sick circle, now I feel confused and lost. And I've forgotten how it is a true relationship, one in which both parts are healthy engaged. One in which there's no games and no lies. I have no urges to turn on my iphone. No urges to know what's he's up to either. I only feel compassion for myself, and a sadness that's infinite.
Zahara Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 Do you think he's an unhealthy creep? Really? Trolling on a site where people are looking for affairs. Talking about wanting to smell you after you've been with other men? Maybe some people like to do that but if this is how he viewed you, then what you were seeking and what he was seeking were two different things. Yes, he kept entering to my life, I opened the doors though. But he could have opted the contrary, and ignore me. Right? NO. It's not the responsibility of an FWB to protect your feelings. It is your responsibility to have seen the signs and detached yourself from him when you knew he was not invested in it and you were catching feelings. And the fact that you presented yourself as an FWB, he's thinking to himself that this is about sex so you know the terms and when you felt you couldn't handle it, it was your responsibility to get out. Not his. You know what, I've been for so long inside this sick circle, now I feel confused and lost. And I've forgotten how it is a true relationship, one in which both parts are healthy engaged. One in which there's no games and no lies. If you know that then it is time to stop the madness and start working on yourself. I have no urges to turn on my iphone. No urges to know what's he's up to either. I only feel compassion for myself, and a sadness that's infinite. Yes, feel compassion and be gentle to yourself. It's time for you to prioritize your feelings. You have to love yourself first, and the only way to do that is for you to start a relationship with you. No more relationships with men, dating, etc. Date you, love you, have a relationship with you.
Author irresolute Posted June 3, 2014 Author Posted June 3, 2014 He actually wanted me to be with other man and then go see him and have sex with him. He told me he wanted to fulfill all my fantasies, but it wasn't actually a fantasy of mine ugh. Yes, he has an account at Ashley Madison, but he's not been active lately though, but he was active for 5 years or so...And he met a lot of women there, he has feedback on the site. I want to think he is a creep so I'll stop missing him
Zahara Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 He actually wanted me to be with other man and then go see him and have sex with him. He told me he wanted to fulfill all my fantasies, but it wasn't actually a fantasy of mine ugh. Yes, he has an account at Ashley Madison, but he's not been active lately though, but he was active for 5 years or so...And he met a lot of women there, he has feedback on the site. I want to think he is a creep so I'll stop missing him What a great place for a single guy to meet women he can have an affair with and have no pressures of ever committing. Yes, his fantasy, instead of yours. Enough said.
Author irresolute Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 Dear all, I turned on my iphone because my friends kept complaining I wasn't replying my texts. After one week, I read my messages. there were three messages of this guy. All three from that Monday I turned my phone off. In the texts, he said he cares, and he likes me, but he doesn't know what is that I'm looking for, and that I always keep running from him. He added that right now he's just getting through every day, trying to avoid drama. He ended his texts saying that he shouldn't be upsetting me so much, and that he doesn't want to make me sad, because that makes him sad as well. I feel sad.
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