Chocolat Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 If you've been FWB for a year, I'd say it is extremely unlikely that it's going to change. For whatever reason, this guy is not interested in you as a gf. So, either accept the FWB situation or move on and find a guy who wants you as his gf. 1
angel.eyes Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 Are you still married? The way you met might be the other hurdle.
Author irresolute Posted May 18, 2014 Author Posted May 18, 2014 Not married anymore. I know, it started with the left leg. I'm just thinking were just two wounded people. Looking for who knows what... I'm at a friends home right now, and I'm not able to text so I'm getting nervous about tonight. I'd try to get home 2 hours prior our date and then I'll see if I text him or not...
Author irresolute Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 Update on me: We met yesterday. I sent him a tex asking if we were meeting or not, he replied yes but sounded uninterested. He came, 45 minutes late than he told me he was going to come. We talked a lot, silly things, serious things, nothing related to us as a couple. Then we had sex and was weird, he was really nervous. I'm not going into details here but he had to make an effort. then we slept unitl 3 am that he decided to leave. We kissed and he said: "I hope you have a great week" and that was all. This morning I thanked him for coming home and no reply at all. It was kid of a disaster. Everything. I don't know. I'm feeling confused, sad, and ashamed, all together. Ugh everything is horrible. He's not into me at all, I don't know why he looked for me, and I don't know why I'm still insisting on this. All this makes me nauseous Like I don't have other options, like I don't have a life, like I'm not attractive, like I'm not busy enough to lose time and energy with a person who doesn't care a sh## and will never care in a million years. ugh
Chocolat Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 It was kid of a disaster. Everything. I don't know. I'm feeling confused, sad, and ashamed, all together. Ugh everything is horrible. He's not into me at all, I don't know why he looked for me, and I don't know why I'm still insisting on this. All this makes me nauseous Like I don't have other options, like I don't have a life, like I'm not attractive, like I'm not busy enough to lose time and energy with a person who doesn't care a sh## and will never care in a million years. ugh I'm sorry you are feeling this way, but, at the same time have to ask: what did you expect? He's a f-buddy. Nothing more. You knew that going in. You -- and every other woman on this site who posts about these sorts of situations -- need to bring your actions into alignment with your feelings. If you don't like feeling like a F-buddy, then don't act like one.
Author irresolute Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 Chocolat: I'm ingenuous. I made tons of mistakes. I'm ashamed of my actions and my words. He'll never see me as a gf. He just replied the text: "Thank you for inviting me." to my text. I'm just feeling lost here. I really like him, he's the nicest guy, the funniest guy I've ever been with. I'm attracted to him, I want to be with him all the time... Yet, here I am, posting here, without a plan, without nothing, just feeling extremely, ridiculously sad and hoplesless
Chocolat Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Irresolute, the only thing I can tell you is that you need to act in your own best interest. No one else is going to do it for you. Step back and pretend you are your own BFF. What advice would you give yourself?
Zahara Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 He's not that interesting after all. I thought he was a super model with all the women chasing him, and that he had this so interesting life full of thrill and adventures, and that he was going somehow to make happy...some day. He's almost 45, he has a boring job, no college, no hobbies that I know, he's pretty boring and predictable sexually to be honest. He does nothing out of the ordinary! his kisses are without substance, and when he laughs he seems creepy. We had a date two weeks ago, and I thought wow, my best date ever! Because he's so easy going and blah, but I can find another easy going guy who's not that problematic and who'll make me feel incredible, right? He's not that exceptional after all." The above is what you said in your other thread. You're idealizing him so that you can hold on to something versus accepting that it's not what you want and suffer the pain of being alone and having nothing.
Author irresolute Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 I don't know what advice should I give to myself. I tend to think of those romantic dramas form the 40's or 50's. That passionate love that break any barrier. I tend to think if I insist more, everything will be fine. fight for love. fight for the love one thinks is the real one. Zahara: I wrote all that, but I just love him the way he is. He might not be that interesting, he might not have a career, he might be a problematic man, but I still think he's the one for me. how can I tell my brain this is wrong? I want to be with him, and I want to tell him I love him. he's so insecure, he's always acting in a way he wont feel rejection. We talked about this yesterday. What if he needs more of me? Insist more, text him more, tell him he's perfect...what if this changes things?
Zahara Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 It's called movies. It's scripted to give you the warm and fuzzies. People sit there and write it all out to pan out for a happy ending. Real life doesn't work that way. So quit with the fantasy mindset. Another thing: 1) Are you still married? 2) Is this the same guy that you have been seeing, while you were/are still married?
Author irresolute Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 1. I'm separated at the moment. He knows and he was surprised because he thought I'll remain married. But I'm not 2. Yes, it's the same guy. today's hard because I want to contact him again, and I want more of him but I don't want to act like a crazy gf. He pointed out yesterday that it's impossible to say "no" to me because I insist
Zahara Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 1. I'm separated at the moment. He knows and he was surprised because he thought I'll remain married. But I'm not 2. Yes, it's the same guy. today's hard because I want to contact him again, and I want more of him but I don't want to act like a crazy gf. He pointed out yesterday that it's impossible to say "no" to me because I insist I'm not sure what to tell you. Reading your past threads, you are unhealthy emotionally and mentally. You haven't even processed the all the leftover damage from your marriage and here you are chasing a man that is clearly not into you. Your self-esteem is damaged. This isn't love. You have an unhealthy attachment to a man that has messed with your head -- along with the emotional and mental crap you went through with your ex-husband. And how awful it is when a man tells you it's hard for him to say no because you insist. Ugh. Please try and hold onto your self-respect and dignity. He's been this way when you were married and he's still the same way now that you are separated. Doesn't seem like it is changing. 1
Author irresolute Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 We've been talking and I've tried to let him know that this situation is hurting me. He asked me what do I wanted, I told him other things than sex. He asked me to be specific, and I told him I want to get to know him besides sex. I asked him what he wanted and he told me some confusing things, like he doesn't know what he wants, that sometimes he wants one thing but then he backs up due to frustration... when tried to understand what was he saying he just told me he doesn't want me to over analyze things that aren't important. that he enjoys the time with me, and asked me if it's that difficult not to think about tomorrow and just enjoy our time together. That's the way it is.
Zahara Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 We've been talking and I've tried to let him know that this situation is hurting me. He asked me what do I wanted, I told him other things than sex. He asked me to be specific, and I told him I want to get to know him besides sex. I asked him what he wanted and he told me some confusing things, like he doesn't know what he wants, that sometimes he wants one thing but then he backs up due to frustration... when tried to understand what was he saying he just told me he doesn't want me to over analyze things that aren't important. that he enjoys the time with me, and asked me if it's that difficult not to think about tomorrow and just enjoy our time together. That's the way it is. Yep, that's his way of setting the terms so that he can manage your expectations to a minimum. Don't ask for anything, don't expect anything. And when you ask for clarification and he cuts you off with "don't analyze things that aren't important" -- he's telling you that your needs don't matter and that you just have to exist in this under his terms -- sex. That's the way it is. I hope you can accept and live with that. 1
Author irresolute Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 Hi, I'm feeling frustrated because I don't know what to do I like this guy very much (we met one year ago) but he's afraid of commitment. If i push, he always responds but if I do nothing he just take it as I'm not interested anymore and he doesn't fight for me. Also, we are both active on adult friend finder and that pisses me off because that means he's still looking and open to whatever. I really don't know what to do. I feel like I'm an option but I keep thinking what if...? What if I'm important for him? What if one day he really wants to be with me and only me? He's said I'm important, he's said his birthday would have been better if I were around, he's said I'm the only one that matters, he's said he wants someone like me... i dont know. This is so hard. I told him I want more and he replied why I keep worrying about the future. Why we just can't enjoy each other... He's Sent Me A Text Yesterday AND I Havent Replied yet. I know he will take it as I'm not interested anymore and he will do nothing but thing is I just can't live like this anymore and I don't know what to reply. He want it casual but I have feelings for him
spiderowl Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Why are you interested if he is not giving you what you need? From the sound of it, he is going to carry on ignoring or denying what you need. A year is a long time for him to be so vague. He should know by now whether you are likely to be the one for him or not. If he's not making it clear that he wants you and no-one else, then he's not sure about you or he's too wishy-washy for words. Personally, I wouldn't waste precious time on him.
Author irresolute Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 He's said that I shouldn't waste my time thinking about things that are not important (when i asked him what was he thinking about us). He's not taking me seriously because I was attached when we met. Now I'm separated and he knows this. I don't know. It's all so complicated with him. Now I'm feeling guilty I haven't replied to his text and he saw me online on adult friend finder after that. But what am I supposed to do? Remain infatuated with him when he offers me nothing and contacts me when one day yes one day no??
devilish innocent Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 You're coming up with all sorts of excuses for why he won't commit or take you seriously. If he really wanted to be with you, though, then he'd be with you. He says just enough to keep you around because he enjoys the sex. But his feelings aren't what yours are. They're not going to change if they haven't by now. You're only going to keep getting more of the same until you let go of him.
Zahara Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 I'm not sure what you seek. He was emotionally unavailable when you were married and he's still the same now that you're separated. It hasn't changed. Ask the question 74 different ways, the answer will always be the same. He cannot give you what you want. 1
Zahara Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 (edited) Yep, that's his way of setting the terms so that he can manage your expectations to a minimum. Don't ask for anything, don't expect anything. And when you ask for clarification and he cuts you off with "don't analyze things that aren't important" -- he's telling you that your needs don't matter and that you just have to exist in this under his terms -- sex. That's the way it is. I hope you can accept and live with that. Bump. In reference to you again questioning his reference to stop analyzing and live in the moment. Edited May 28, 2014 by Zahara
Author irresolute Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 ok. but what if? I feel ****ty if I don't reply to his text, he already saw me online!
jbelle6 Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 I'm sure he preferred when you were married, I bet he would be happy with another married woman who won't ask him for more than the sex that he agreed on. Think of it as a contract you had, you agreed on the terms and now you're trying to change them. That's not really fair to expect of him. I hope I don't offend anyone on here but I don't think women can be FWB very often. I think they will always want more. I know I can't do that or have one night stands because I catch feelings and that would be messy for everyone. I can have a female FWB easily but I don't get emotionally attached to them. I think you should go no contact with this guy, he's 45, men are set in their ways by then, you aren't going to change him.
Zahara Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 ok. but what if? I feel ****ty if I don't reply to his text, he already saw me online! Really? Something changed in 5 days since your thread before this? You feel afraid, not ****ty. Afraid that by not responding you may lose him. He may forget you and move on so you need to keep the connection going. You don't feel ****ty letting a guy use you for sex? Letting a man treat you like an option? Allowing him to manipulate your emotional attachment to him so that he gets what HE wants? Feel ****ty about that for crying out loud. C'mon. Step outside of your emotions for at least a bit and start thinking about this versus letting yourself get engulfed and suffocated by this image and toxic attachment you have for him.
Author irresolute Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 well, I guess you're all right. We just texted, I told him I was jealous over some random girl who told him he's the most handsome guy ever (true story) and he told me no one compares to me blah blah. But made no plans to see me, even though it's been 10 days since last met. So yeah, I'm not insisting over this anymore. He has all the girls he wants so why should I care. Truth is I do care and I am hurt, but wtf, it's always like this with this guy. I'm not making any other move.
Author irresolute Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 It's over. I told him I'm not ok with this situation. Not ok with being an option. He told me I was never an option. I told him I have feelings for him hence it hurts to be casual with him. He told me that it's not he doesn't have any feelings... I told him we should stop seeing and he agreed. I told him he always make me cry. He told me he want for me to be happy. I told him I can't without him. His reply: ugh. I don't like this. The end. He's online on adult friend finder. He was online on pof this morning. He's online on yahoo messenger... What else do I need? I had a job interview this morning and went wrong because I feel so miserable. I need to regain my life now. I can't keep feeling like this forever. I only hope he'll keep his word and font contact me anymore. If he does, he'll hurt me more because I do care for him.
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