irresolute Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 So this is the situation: I had a date with this guy I really like. We've known each other for more than a year, it has always been casual, on and off... He's been single for more than 4 years now, seeing other people, not being serious with anyone of them. So, our date was supposed to be at 7 pm but he got stuck at work. So he was updating me with pics of him working etc until he finally said he was finishing his work, that I could pass by. We met at 9 pm and I was already pissed off, and he was frustrated as well. We had a glass of wine at his home and I had to leave because I had another commitment at 10 pm (he knew this). thing is I felt really sad after seeing him. Maybe it was because I had high expectations, maybe because I was all dressed up to go have dinner and we couldn't go...Maybe because I expected him to act differently... I asked him when we could meet again, we both said this Sunday night at my home. I told him not to cancel, he told me to kiss him to seal the date. When I arrived home he texted me asking me to text him back and tell him I arrived home safe, which I did. these are part of our texts, which I'd really appreciate your feedback: him: I wanted you me: take me, I'm yours him: I will me: are you mine? him: I don't belong to anyone else me: OK then, you're mine him:haha, take me me: Say that you're mine him:I'm yours... and then a couple texts more until I stopped replying. One other thing he said: I asked him if I was the only one. He replied: "You're the only one that matters" He was joking. Now I don't know what to do, text him more, ask him about Sunday, what to do? Is he feeling pity for me because I was all pissed of? Is he mocking at me? Please advice
Assasda Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 He's having fun with you because he knows youre so neurotic. Everything sounds fine. You sound super needy, forcing that guy to say that he's youre, man.... Anyway, play it cool and update us with what happens 2
Author irresolute Posted May 17, 2014 Author Posted May 17, 2014 could it be he's feeling in the obligation because he couldn't make it on time for dinner? and now he's acting super nice to not feel guilty? What should I do about sunday? Text him to confirm? the date will be at my home, so its supposed to be me who confirms this? or not? what to do?
Author irresolute Posted May 17, 2014 Author Posted May 17, 2014 Lol, man, that text exchange is so awkward. Really? what's so awkward?
DArtagnan2 Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 flirty texts are cool, but both have to be in to it. It sounds by his last line, with the sticking out tongue, he is saying it in jest because you are telling him to say it. There is nothing wrong with that exchange really, I have had it done to me before with the last girl I dated. I found it kind of cool at the time, but in hindsight, after getting to know her more, she was more of an unstable type. I am not saying you are, and I dont see anything wrong with it, but there may be people who do. bottom line, if you two are texting and still getting along, then continue. I understand the frustration of wanting to be on that date at 7p and having to be somewhere else at 10p, but the dude was at work. he was even sending you pics. To be mad about it doesn't seem right to me. Disappointed sure, but to have it effect the little time you had seems like a wasted emotion and moment. I would have enjoyed my few drinks and set up the next time and make sure, to make up for this last time then.
Assasda Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 Sure, Text him to confirm. But, Gosh, take it easy. Stop over thinking stuff. The guy youre with sounds smooth...you sound like a wreck
laurelin Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 I apologize for the length of this post. I tend to be a bit verbose sometimes! I think I know how you feel…every conversation, every text puts you into “analysis mode”. You’re probing him for concrete validation (“I like you”, “I want to be with you”, “You’re the only person who matters”, etc.) and, when you don’t get something that gives you that validation, you’re searching for clues as to whether or not he still likes you or if he’s distancing himself. If a text of yours goes unanswered, you’re in turmoil until it is. You’re almost afraid to take initiative, for fear he’ll avoid you altogether or disappoint you, so you wait for him to ask you out, confirm dates, set times and locations. You don’t want to push him, so you wait…and wait…and wait until you can’t stand it any longer. At this point, you’ll either get upset with him or give him “clues” (“got any plans for the weekend?”, “I’m so bored all by myself”, “I miss spending time with you, etc.), hoping he’ll take the hint and remember your date. Thus far, it seems like either this guy has an incredible amount of patience and compassion or he has absolutely no idea how much you agonize over him. Either way, you’re setting yourself up for major heartache, here. When I met the man I thought was the love of my life, it was instantaneous recognition. We knew we were destined for one another. We never ‘fell’ in love. We just loved each other from the very start. And after the initial “happy phase” wore off and reality set in, he was preoccupied with work and daily life and he wasn't as attentive or available as he was in the beginning. From this point on, I was terrified to lose him. All the confidence I had in myself and in “us” evaporated and I was in the same position you are in right now. The only thing I could think about was keeping him. So, I made myself available at all times, I never criticized him, I never told him what I wanted or what I needed, if I reacted emotionally to something, I would apologize instantly, I never argued, I encouraged, I accepted, I enabled, I loved…and I lost him. Why? Because I wasn't participating in a relationship. There were no standards, no grounds for respect, no boundaries. All my confidence was bound to his acceptance and his love and it became an invisible burden for him. Had I known and believed in my worth, our relationship would not have broken. Had I maintained the confidence that I possessed in the very beginning of our relationship, he may never have doubted. If you continue to second-guess his intentions, worry over what he says and what he doesn't, plead for validation, and keep handling this relationship from a reaction-based perspective (where all your actions are reactions and all your words have an ulterior motive), he will either get fed up and leave or he’ll become disillusioned and he’ll drift away. You must start changing your perspective, here. Lots and lots of people have given you advice that you have not yet taken. Do some internet searches for “high value women”, “confidence in relationships”, “relationship boundaries”, “emotional unavailability” (I also highly recommend a book called "Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl" by Natalie Lue) …see what you can find that might help to get you going in the right direction. It can’t hurt. 2
Author irresolute Posted May 18, 2014 Author Posted May 18, 2014 Thank you all for taking the time to replying to my thread. I really appreciate it. do I sound like a wreck? Wow, how bad. Ok Laurelin, I've read the book you mentioned, but our "relationship" is different from everything I've read so far. I do am scared to lose him. I never had him on the first place, but I am scared. I'm trying to grab the wonderful moments we had together and repeat them but oh, my expectations are just too high, impossible. so yeah, I get frustrated. I heard you all. I feel like I'm pushing him too much, and you know what, at the end I feel horrible. One cannot make the other person to want to be with you or whatever. Forcing someone it's just ridiculous. SO, for this reason, and because I don't want to be compared with a wreck, I'm just not texting him anymore. I won't confirm tomorrow's date because I really don't want him to be forced to accept when he doesn't feel it. He is smooth, and I do think there is something about me he likes it. Crazy and everything, he likes me. We've been on and off for more than one year already. It's no surprise for him I'm acting like this. I've been like this, and he knows I love him (I told him I loved him long ago, then never again because the relationship was supposed not to be serious) but alright, I'm no texting him anymore, not contacting him, no nothing. He is a nice guy and I do think he feels sorry for me, because I have all this feelings for him. I don't really want to put him in any situation. Gezz Im feeling sad right now
angel.eyes Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 Out of curiosity, are you looking to date or hook up casually? The text exchange ("Take me I'm yours, etc.) and the first and second dates at each others' homes sound as if you're angling for a casual hookup. If you're looking to date rather than be someone's FWB, early dates really need to include planned activities outside the home IMO. You can also flirt without overtly suggesting sex as you are in your exchanges. If you're in love with him, and he's told you in the past that he only wanted something casual with you, perhaps you should just walk away. It sounds as if you're torturing yourself, not to mention shredding your self-esteem to bits, with this on again-off again arrangement when he doesn't see you as a match for a serious relationship. That's okay. We aren't going to be a match with everyone. There are other great men out there who will see your value...if you let them in. Either way, I hope things work out for you!
Author irresolute Posted May 18, 2014 Author Posted May 18, 2014 I'd like to date him. we actually spent a great time together and it was no sex involved. At this point, I just don't know. He has walls built in, I have walls built in, we are both wounded people... I might not be date material for him (and this really hurts me because I know my value and I know any guy out there would die to have a date with me) but he;s been single for more than 4 years now, and for the time being, we are enjoying ourselves. I'm not asking him to marry me, I'm just asking him to have a wonderful adventure. I don't know what will happen, I just want to share this rollercoaster with him now.
angel.eyes Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 Four years is a long time to wait, hoping a person will change his mind and reciprocate your feelings. Time is a precious commodity because it's not something you can get back. 2
todreaminblue Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 I'd like to date him. we actually spent a great time together and it was no sex involved. At this point, I just don't know. He has walls built in, I have walls built in, we are both wounded people... I might not be date material for him (and this really hurts me because I know my value and I know any guy out there would die to have a date with me) but he;s been single for more than 4 years now, and for the time being, we are enjoying ourselves. I'm not asking him to marry me, I'm just asking him to have a wonderful adventure. I don't know what will happen, I just want to share this rollercoaster with him now. you say you dont know what will happen and its all an adventure but you are not relaxed with a see what we see attitude you are anxious and worried.......thats why you are posting here......thats normal when you do actually care about a guy you just have to learn how to take good days and bad days and not change..........i think getting pissed off because he was late working was not too relaxed of you...things happen and overtime is normal these days.....they spring it on you........ the text messages sound fine....but it is a little awkward to ask a guy to say your mine ......or im yours.......i have said it in long term relationships ......on cards and letters.......just simply yours i have not asked a guy to say it to me.......i rather see action.......and i can tell when they look at me......i dont need to have it said......nor do they need to hear it from me.....i am demonstrative ....deb relax the message was attempting a light heartedness back to you .....i wish you well albeit a little awkwardly.....deb
Valen Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 him: I wanted you me: take me, I'm yours him: I will me: are you mine? him: I don't belong to anyone else me: OK then, you're mine him:haha, take me me: Say that you're mine him:I'm yours... Uh now I know why I struggle with relationships, I could never txt anything this corny. 1
Author irresolute Posted May 18, 2014 Author Posted May 18, 2014 Well, evidently I need to ask him because I feel unsure by his actions. When he said that I'm the only one that matters that implies there are others that might matter less or not. Who knows. Maybe he says the same thing to the other women. I just don't know why I asked that silly question about if his mine or not. I'm feeling stupid right now though we were just playing. Today is Sunday and we were supposed to meet at home tonight but honestly I don't know what to do. If I don't text him he'll take as I've changed plans but if I text him I'm scared he'll feel forced to come...or that he'll say no to me.
DArtagnan2 Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 Well, evidently I need to ask him because I feel unsure by his actions. When he said that I'm the only one that matters that implies there are others that might matter less or not. Who knows. Maybe he says the same thing to the other women. I joke alot and may have said something like this to keep the air light.. but doesnt always mean there are many others or even one other. well for me and some guys like me that is.
angel.eyes Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 Today is Sunday and we were supposed to meet at home tonight but honestly I don't know what to do. If I don't text him he'll take as I've changed plans but if I text him I'm scared he'll feel forced to come...or that he'll say no to me. Why don't you just text him an update with what you're planning to cook. Try to stay positive going into tonight. Get everything that happened over the past week out of your mind. No second guessing your choices. Just relax, try to have fun, and go with the flow.
Chocolat Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 Based on the text exchange, it appears you're offering sex and he's accepting. I do not see anything in his text to suggest he has feelings for you or intentions of exclusivity. 1
Author irresolute Posted May 18, 2014 Author Posted May 18, 2014 Based on the text exchange, it appears you're offering sex and he's accepting. I do not see anything in his text to suggest he has feelings for you or intentions of exclusivity. We were both tipsy. Flirting. It wasn't serious at all. I never asked him to be exclusive. That would be ridiculous, based in the nature of our relationship. I'm so confused right now. I really don't want to text him asking whether he'll come or not but at the same time I want to see him today. Maybe he has other plans and just forgot about me? Maybe he's feeling lazy and doesn't want to prepare for a date with me? Maybe he realized I'm a crazy bitch and he doesn't want to talk to me anymore? Who knows... thing is he's not contacted me either. I know he had a dinner last night supposedly with friends.... What to do....
Chocolat Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 We were both tipsy. Flirting. It wasn't serious at all. I never asked him to be exclusive. That would be ridiculous, based in the nature of our relationship. Tipsy or not, you offered sex. Especially combined with the fact that your so-called date occurred at his house and your next (again, so-called) date is planned for your house. This screams booty call. Nothing wrong with NSA sex if that's what both parties want. But don't keep on your current path and then complain that he doesn't see you as a gf.
Author irresolute Posted May 18, 2014 Author Posted May 18, 2014 Ok then. If he comes today well have sex for sure. What do you recommend me to do? Next day we can go for dinner is in 2 weeks. In 2 fridays. Should I just stop communicating until the day approaches and then propose him to go out? And how about today? Should I just keep silent? It's me to have to confirm since he was coming tonight to my home. So he won't text me.
Chocolat Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 Ok then. If he comes today well have sex for sure. What do you recommend me to do? Next day we can go for dinner is in 2 weeks. In 2 fridays. Should I just stop communicating until the day approaches and then propose him to go out? And how about today? Should I just keep silent? It's me to have to confirm since he was coming tonight to my home. So he won't text me. I'm not sure what you are asking. If you're going to have casual sex with this guy, then you need to be, well, casual. You're not dating; you're F-Buddies. You get together when it's convenient, which may be late at night after other you've each gone out with others, etc. You don't need to worry about when or whether you can go to dinner.
Author irresolute Posted May 18, 2014 Author Posted May 18, 2014 I'm not sure what you are asking. If you're going to have casual sex with this guy, then you need to be, well, casual. You're not dating; you're F-Buddies. You get together when it's convenient, which may be late at night after other you've each gone out with others, etc. You don't need to worry about when or whether you can go to dinner. I'm asking what should I do at thus point. I might want to be seen as gf material but after all this time being fwb I'm not sure I can change it. still, what should I do at this point? About tonight I mean. And about going out with him...He'll be free 2 fridays from today...
angel.eyes Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 Which is it? When I asked about being his FWB earlier in the thread, this was your response... I'd like to date him. we actually spent a great time together and it was no sex involved. Now you're saying: I'm asking what should I do at thus point. I might want to be seen as gf material but after all this time being fwb I'm not sure I can change it. still, what should I do at this point? About tonight I mean. And about going out with him...He'll be free 2 fridays from today... If you're truly interested in relevant advice, you'll need to be honest about your situation.
Author irresolute Posted May 18, 2014 Author Posted May 18, 2014 Which is it? When I asked about being his FWB earlier in the thread, this was your response... Now you're saying: If you're truly interested in relevant advice, you'll need to be honest about your situation. We had a date and there was no sex involved. However, we've been seeing each other only for sex for the last year. I meant we had a great time THAT date that there was no sex involved AND I'd like to repeat that. More clear now?
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