heywhatsup7 Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 I've been dating an amazing guy for about a year now. He's incredible to me. He treats me so well, he's thoughtful, caring, loves me, and would do anything for me. We have a lot in common in terms of our interests and our values. I feel like we could really be happy together. However, I find myself having doubts and at times they're overwhelming. A little background: I have severe anxiety (mostly social anxiety but I'm just an anxious person in general as well). I've been medicated for it, but stopped taking medication around the time I started seeing my boyfriend. We also started dating a few months after I moved to a new city for a job. My parents are divorced and have both been in more relationships since their divorce than I can count. I think I have attachment issues that stem from this, and are not helped by my anxiety. I recently started up anxiety medication again, and I also started seeing a therapist. I also don't have many friends yet in my new town, so my boyfriend is really all I have here. Overall I've been feeling much better since seeking professional help, but I still have days where I feel my doubts are overwhelming me and I don't know how to stop them. They don't really stem from anything my boyfriend does. He annoys me sometimes, but it's all trivial things that I just let get to me. I can't figure out how to stop doubting things and just enjoy my relationship, or, conversely, how to tell if my doubts are due to my anxiety and my past or due to the fact that we're not meant to be together.
carhill Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 Welcome to LS Is your BF on your mind right now? Now that you're back on meds, do you note a difference in that dynamic, versus when off the meds? If yes, what and how? What does 'we're not meant to be together' mean, exactly? I can provide an anecdote, relevant to marrying someone who demonstrated attachment challenges. Often, it felt like she was letting me love her. Any 'attachment' she felt was to the dynamic rather than the person (me). That's why I asked you whether your BF was on your mind, right now. IME, consistently, throughout life and in multiple relationships as well as being married, when attached, the tape of my partner, their presence for lack of a better explanation, and my love for them, was always running in my mind. Comparatively, now, not being involved with anyone nor loving anyone that way, dead silence. How does it go for you?
carrie91 Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 I've been dating an amazing guy for about a year now. He's incredible to me. He treats me so well, he's thoughtful, caring, loves me, and would do anything for me. We have a lot in common in terms of our interests and our values. I feel like we could really be happy together. However, I find myself having doubts and at times they're overwhelming. A little background: I have severe anxiety (mostly social anxiety but I'm just an anxious person in general as well). I've been medicated for it, but stopped taking medication around the time I started seeing my boyfriend. We also started dating a few months after I moved to a new city for a job. My parents are divorced and have both been in more relationships since their divorce than I can count. I think I have attachment issues that stem from this, and are not helped by my anxiety. I recently started up anxiety medication again, and I also started seeing a therapist. I also don't have many friends yet in my new town, so my boyfriend is really all I have here. Overall I've been feeling much better since seeking professional help, but I still have days where I feel my doubts are overwhelming me and I don't know how to stop them. They don't really stem from anything my boyfriend does. He annoys me sometimes, but it's all trivial things that I just let get to me. I can't figure out how to stop doubting things and just enjoy my relationship, or, conversely, how to tell if my doubts are due to my anxiety and my past or due to the fact that we're not meant to be together. As a fellow anxiety sufferer, I can tell you that it sounds a though it's a mixture of anxiety and too much time to think. I know that I get anxious about things I care about, and if your boyfriend is what you care about, and all you have there at the moment, then that's naturally what you're going to worry about. Hopefully you'll start to feel a little less anxious soon. Try to keep busy though! 1
SadNLonley Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 Dont overthink this. Take it a day at a time. Coming from someone who thinks too much about things, it will mess it up. If you're right, he will continue to date you. If not, hopefully he's man enough to end things. Day by day with no worry or overthinking. 2
MalachiX Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 Are you seeing a psychologist as well as whoever provides you meds? He or she will be able to give you a better understanding of your doubts and fears that we can. That said, I can't help but notice that none of the anxieties you seem to mention have to do with your boyfriend. You're not saying, "I think we're incompatible in [X]" or "I no longer feel love/attraction towards him." Occasionally being annoying is something that happens in any relationship no matter how strong. I don't know if you guys are meant to be together but it sounds like your major issue now is anxiety rather than him. This is why getting more help than just meds might be a good idea. I wouldn't dump anyone just because I was feeling anxious.
Author heywhatsup7 Posted May 17, 2014 Author Posted May 17, 2014 I do notice a difference with the meds, although I started taking them recently and am on a small dose, so I don't think they've reached their full potential yet. Before I started them I started feeling more and more anxious about my relationship and because I was anxious I couldn't enjoy my time with him, which in turn would make me more anxious and depressed. I ended up having (I think) a panic attack. My anxiety is a little more controlled now, partiallly I think because of the meds and partially because of therapy. I will go for days or weeks feeling incredibly happy and lucky to be with him. But as soon as he does the littlest thing that annoys me or as soon as I allow the thought of making decisions about our future to enter my mind, I fixate on it and in an instant my whole mentality changes. That's what's so confusing to me, that I go through these extreme opposite emotions. I can't tell how I really feel. The reason I get upset when I think about the future is I don't want to make a mistake. I don't want to end up divorced like my parents, so any big decision terrifies me. So yes, my boyfriend was and is on my mind. And right now my thoughts are not all good things because I'm scared. But there are certainly times when all I can think of are good things and the trivial things don't upset me. When I do have my anxious days, I try to remind myself of how happy I know I can be and have been with him. But honestly one thing that scares me is that, in the future when I do have a group of friends and am more settled in my own life, will I feel the same about him? I have in the past "settled" for someone who was really not great for me because I was lonely. I didn't realize it at the time but after the fact it was clear to me. So it was bad timing that I started dating my current boyfriend when I was brand new to the area and also transitioning off of my old anxiety meds.
Author heywhatsup7 Posted May 17, 2014 Author Posted May 17, 2014 Are you seeing a psychologist as well as whoever provides you meds? He or she will be able to give you a better understanding of your doubts and fears that we can. That said, I can't help but notice that none of the anxieties you seem to mention have to do with your boyfriend. You're not saying, "I think we're incompatible in [X]" or "I no longer feel love/attraction towards him." Occasionally being annoying is something that happens in any relationship no matter how strong. I don't know if you guys are meant to be together but it sounds like your major issue now is anxiety rather than him. This is why getting more help than just meds might be a good idea. I wouldn't dump anyone just because I was feeling anxious. I think you're correct, my anxiety stems from my own issues rather than issues with our relationship. I just need to figure out how to control my anxiety and not fixate on the little things. I am seeing a therapist and her input has helped a lot, but I still like to get feedback from others, maybe those who have been in similar situations.
todreaminblue Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 (edited) I have trust issues.......its hard for me to trust and when i cant get a read on someone if i feel something off and they dont tell me whats up then i have problems with anxiety and trust...i also get anxiety if i feel tension from them or something isnt right..... so i come out with what i am feeling and why.........with guys i am dating.....and the guys i have dated understand and are open with me mostly....because if they dont tell me i worry and anxiety is heightened....for a while they may say nothing is up your paranoid blah blah.....ill say please dont make me think i am sick in the head dont turn it back on me ....whats up?....they tell me....relief is what i feel...that i am not crazy.........i dont need meds i just need honesty so i can trust them and i am ok.... .when i cant trust someone its normally because of one i dont know them well enough ....i need to know about them so i can relax......and two......because i actually feel off around them.......this happens in a social situation as well....i do have a pretty heavy defense mechanism if i am nervous or anxious theres a reason why...i need to feel it.......because i have often needed to protect myself........thats why i dont take meds...i need to feel what i feel good or bad or......i take the consequences of not having intuition....i dont react well to most medications, drugs or alcohol they make me really quite sick and surreal feeling like i am walking in quick sand......cotton brain............when i am on meds it is worse for me.......ill take anxiety as it comes and work through why i am feeling anxious..... mostly i handle it pretty well.......i socialize and unless someone notices or knows me most cant tell i am anxious...dancing helps.......so does honesty from good people.......i just need a good guy.....i have maintained relationships long term without medication when i go on meds they break down, because my decisions are poor to begin with............ i am not the same person on meds..... you have to relax you have to be honest when you feel anxiety and talk it out with your guy...i hope the meds help you too dont worry give yourself time with the meds if you are having no adverse reactions they should kick in soon.............best wishes.....deb Edited May 17, 2014 by todreaminblue
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 Look, you don't have to agree with this but I'm going to explain to you this relationship from my perspective. You'll probably get defensive, and you'll probably disagree, i don't really expect it to just "click" but I'm going to say somethings you likely won't like very much at all. I believe people experience "love" through their personal issues, they develop a perception of love based on their insecurities, fears and attachments. They become dependent on an external experience in order to validate their emotions and perpetuate their personal issues, all based on prior experiences mostly from parents and childhood. That's why you choose the people you "love", you are attracted to things you may not even have the slightest clue you're even receptive towards. I've been dating an amazing guy for about a year now. He's incredible to me. He treats me so well, he's thoughtful, caring, loves me, and would do anything for me. We have a lot in common in terms of our interests and our values. I feel like we could really be happy together. Your perception of this "amazing" man is not based on genuine emotions and feelings, it is based off his treatment and behavior towards you. This makes you feel insecure and inadequate, you respond by putting up a wall and start to pick apart and sabotage your relationship, finding holes or cracks in the relationship even though you were never really emotionally invested on that level in the first place...but you're more interested in security and being loved than loving yourself because that takes a sacrifice and vulnerability that you cannot afford to give. Therefore you are not experiencing "love", you are coping with a stressful situation and with overwhelming anxiety issues, that is why you are dependent on men....any man, you just happen to have one that treats you well, but you'll say less about how you feel for him and more about how he feels about you and then idealize and "perfectionize" (yes I made that up) your own relationship to perpetuate this dynamic where you feel "out of control" and "at a loss" because no matter what situation you are in or who you are having a relationship with you will always have these fears and anxieties. However, I find myself having doubts and at times they're overwhelming. A little background: I have severe anxiety (mostly social anxiety but I'm just an anxious person in general as well). I've been medicated for it, but stopped taking medication around the time I started seeing my boyfriend. We also started dating a few months after I moved to a new city for a job. My parents are divorced and have both been in more relationships since their divorce than I can count. I think I have attachment issues that stem from this, and are not helped by my anxiety. I recently started up anxiety medication again, and I also started seeing a therapist. I also don't have many friends yet in my new town, so my boyfriend is really all I have here. Of course you are doubting the relationship, that is how you protect yourself. Your anxiety is in control of you and your actions, not you. You are somewhere in the background of your mind and emotions dipping your toes here and there in the experience, all while deluding yourself mentally that what you experience is actually "real"...but it's as real as a person who sees aliens come in through their window at night, it might seem "real" to you but it may not be really happening. You've moved to a new city and a new job, reasons for you to be triggered and immediately cling to someone who serves as a lifesaver, because that's likely how you've always functioned, you are dependent on men to provide with you support and some kind of attention/love so that you can manage the situation. You are likely greatly emotionally scarred from your parents divorce and that is likely where the anxiety and emotional rollercoaster of emotions come from, you've learned to feel safe in that unpredictability, this kind of chaos and destructive behavior manifests from your emotions as a child and feeling out of control, but now as an adult those issues materialize in ways that confuse you, you know the source and where those emotions and issues come from but you at the same time fear facing them...your relationship with your parents, those emotions and thoughts and feelings are still holding you tight and crippled with fear. Overall I've been feeling much better since seeking professional help, but I still have days where I feel my doubts are overwhelming me and I don't know how to stop them. They don't really stem from anything my boyfriend does. He annoys me sometimes, but it's all trivial things that I just let get to me. Issues don't go away magically, they take a lot of work. Most people want a pill or easy solution to really big problems that's unrealistic...they just "want to be able to just...change" like if it's just some thought or epiphany you have and then everything just magically becomes right...but like most you avoid the issues, you avoid the emotions and fears that keep you at bay, you find solutions that distract you for the time being but eventually come back to haunt you when you feel "ok". And then it's just this vicious cycle of trying to change and trying these "solutions" without really sticking to them and following them through until it's finally done..it takes years and lots of courage, but you've got to be self-aware and honest with how you feel and where those things are coming from instead of running away...it's a process, one most would rather not face, so it's good you're in therapy but sadly you might be interpreting criticism and telling you that you'll never get better or something like that from what I'm saying to you now. Your BF has nothing to do with it though, he is not the problem, the relationship is not the problem...if you truly wish to fix yourself you need to do it alone, you cannot manage and separate those personal issues while in a relationship because the relationship always intervenes or takes over, you get caught up in the dynamic of what is happening in your relationship and someone else's feelings when you really need to just be focused on yourself....you need clarity if anything, not confusion...and relationships cloud your perception, that is why people learn the most after relationship, they gain some clarity...but then what do they do? they convince themselves they're ok now or all better and will just do better with someone else, and then the progress stops and they find themselves having some "other" problem and now they're focused on that, so it's just a vicious cycle...but working on your relationship will do you no good, the only way to resolve issues like this is within yourself. I can't figure out how to stop doubting things and just enjoy my relationship, or, conversely, how to tell if my doubts are due to my anxiety and my past or due to the fact that we're not meant to be together. You can't stop doubting things until you figure out what is happening within you, you won't understand or see what you are doing to yourself in the moment, you'll just associate it with some external thing in the relationship that has nothing to do with it...then you'll apologize and make-up and think you fixed it but it'll just happen all over again, the fears, issues and anxieties will not just go away because of some communication or bond, "love" doesn't "fix" people..."love" is a distraction from yourself, after all it's likely very difficult imagining yourself alone with what he has to offer and give you...but you're not thinking of what you could truly share if you are dominated by these issues, you cannot be certain of anything. So it has nothing to do with being "meant to be together"....you're not meant to be with anyone, people make the choice to be with someone, nothing binds you to them, even if you feel emotionally attached to them forever...it doesn't make that relationship necessary or even right...lots of people will disagree with that, but that's because it jeopardizes everything they believe in, they have to believe that what they feel is true and valid or it takes away everything from them and gives them nothing in return, they have to believe in this "love" because deep inside they fear being without it and alone. But if you want to truly resolve your own heart, you have to face the problem at the root of the issue...and you know that is with your parents, not your BF or any other man for that matter. 3
preraph Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 You just need to stay on your meds. They can't help you if you stop taking them. Just because you're on them doesn't mean some anxiety isn't justified, of course. You just need to ask yourself "Am I enjoying this relationship? Does it make me happy? Or is it taking a lot of work to keep it going?" As long as you're enjoying it, that's really all that matters. You don't need to be in a hurry to take the next step. Make sure you don't get pregnant and just enjoy this while it lasts -- and if it lasts long enough, you'll know.
Author heywhatsup7 Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 Look, you don't have to agree with this but I'm going to explain to you this relationship from my perspective. You'll probably get defensive, and you'll probably disagree, i don't really expect it to just "click" but I'm going to say somethings you likely won't like very much at all. I believe people experience "love" through their personal issues, they develop a perception of love based on their insecurities, fears and attachments. They become dependent on an external experience in order to validate their emotions and perpetuate their personal issues, all based on prior experiences mostly from parents and childhood. That's why you choose the people you "love", you are attracted to things you may not even have the slightest clue you're even receptive towards. Your perception of this "amazing" man is not based on genuine emotions and feelings, it is based off his treatment and behavior towards you. This makes you feel insecure and inadequate, you respond by putting up a wall and start to pick apart and sabotage your relationship, finding holes or cracks in the relationship even though you were never really emotionally invested on that level in the first place...but you're more interested in security and being loved than loving yourself because that takes a sacrifice and vulnerability that you cannot afford to give. Therefore you are not experiencing "love", you are coping with a stressful situation and with overwhelming anxiety issues, that is why you are dependent on men....any man, you just happen to have one that treats you well, but you'll say less about how you feel for him and more about how he feels about you and then idealize and "perfectionize" (yes I made that up) your own relationship to perpetuate this dynamic where you feel "out of control" and "at a loss" because no matter what situation you are in or who you are having a relationship with you will always have these fears and anxieties. Of course you are doubting the relationship, that is how you protect yourself. Your anxiety is in control of you and your actions, not you. You are somewhere in the background of your mind and emotions dipping your toes here and there in the experience, all while deluding yourself mentally that what you experience is actually "real"...but it's as real as a person who sees aliens come in through their window at night, it might seem "real" to you but it may not be really happening. You've moved to a new city and a new job, reasons for you to be triggered and immediately cling to someone who serves as a lifesaver, because that's likely how you've always functioned, you are dependent on men to provide with you support and some kind of attention/love so that you can manage the situation. You are likely greatly emotionally scarred from your parents divorce and that is likely where the anxiety and emotional rollercoaster of emotions come from, you've learned to feel safe in that unpredictability, this kind of chaos and destructive behavior manifests from your emotions as a child and feeling out of control, but now as an adult those issues materialize in ways that confuse you, you know the source and where those emotions and issues come from but you at the same time fear facing them...your relationship with your parents, those emotions and thoughts and feelings are still holding you tight and crippled with fear. Issues don't go away magically, they take a lot of work. Most people want a pill or easy solution to really big problems that's unrealistic...they just "want to be able to just...change" like if it's just some thought or epiphany you have and then everything just magically becomes right...but like most you avoid the issues, you avoid the emotions and fears that keep you at bay, you find solutions that distract you for the time being but eventually come back to haunt you when you feel "ok". And then it's just this vicious cycle of trying to change and trying these "solutions" without really sticking to them and following them through until it's finally done..it takes years and lots of courage, but you've got to be self-aware and honest with how you feel and where those things are coming from instead of running away...it's a process, one most would rather not face, so it's good you're in therapy but sadly you might be interpreting criticism and telling you that you'll never get better or something like that from what I'm saying to you now. Your BF has nothing to do with it though, he is not the problem, the relationship is not the problem...if you truly wish to fix yourself you need to do it alone, you cannot manage and separate those personal issues while in a relationship because the relationship always intervenes or takes over, you get caught up in the dynamic of what is happening in your relationship and someone else's feelings when you really need to just be focused on yourself....you need clarity if anything, not confusion...and relationships cloud your perception, that is why people learn the most after relationship, they gain some clarity...but then what do they do? they convince themselves they're ok now or all better and will just do better with someone else, and then the progress stops and they find themselves having some "other" problem and now they're focused on that, so it's just a vicious cycle...but working on your relationship will do you no good, the only way to resolve issues like this is within yourself. You can't stop doubting things until you figure out what is happening within you, you won't understand or see what you are doing to yourself in the moment, you'll just associate it with some external thing in the relationship that has nothing to do with it...then you'll apologize and make-up and think you fixed it but it'll just happen all over again, the fears, issues and anxieties will not just go away because of some communication or bond, "love" doesn't "fix" people..."love" is a distraction from yourself, after all it's likely very difficult imagining yourself alone with what he has to offer and give you...but you're not thinking of what you could truly share if you are dominated by these issues, you cannot be certain of anything. So it has nothing to do with being "meant to be together"....you're not meant to be with anyone, people make the choice to be with someone, nothing binds you to them, even if you feel emotionally attached to them forever...it doesn't make that relationship necessary or even right...lots of people will disagree with that, but that's because it jeopardizes everything they believe in, they have to believe that what they feel is true and valid or it takes away everything from them and gives them nothing in return, they have to believe in this "love" because deep inside they fear being without it and alone. But if you want to truly resolve your own heart, you have to face the problem at the root of the issue...and you know that is with your parents, not your BF or any other man for that matter. I actually agree with a lot of what you have to say and I think you got a lot right about my situation. I wouldn't say I'm dependent on men, considering I've only had two serious relationships in my life, and I was single for years between them. But I do think that it's true that when I moved to a new city I was lonely and looking for something to ease that. Looking back, I think it would have been smart of me to purposely remain single until I was settled into my life here. But I didn't. I don't expect my medication to be a magic pill that will fix all my problems, which is why I'm in therapy as well. My hope with the medication is that it will uncloud my thoughts so that I can face my fears without having a nervous breakdown in the process. I agree that it would probably be easier to face my issues if I were single because having a relationship just adds one more emotional aspect to my life, but I am invested in this relationship. I don't believe in "the one," but I do believe my BF and I could be very very happy together, and so I'm unwilling to end my relationship to work on myself. If I truly believe that we potentially have a happy future together, I think there's something to be said for allowing him to help me through this.
newmoon Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 there are different forms of anxiety, but when you say you 'fixate on things' it might stem from overthinking/worrying about the future, etc. we all do that to some degree, some take it to extremes. your boyfriend completely aside, just try not to overthink anything; enjoy the moment and be present, and don't worry too much over your future and the 'what if's' and etc. - that leads to anxiousness because it's something you don't have control over. live for the day and the happiness of each day until the next one comes along
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 I agree that it would probably be easier to face my issues if I were single because having a relationship just adds one more emotional aspect to my life, but I am invested in this relationship. I don't believe in "the one," but I do believe my BF and I could be very very happy together, and so I'm unwilling to end my relationship to work on myself. If I truly believe that we potentially have a happy future together, I think there's something to be said for allowing him to help me through this. The whole recurring theme that you'll hear from people depending on their partners for happiness and fulfillment is that they always believe that their relationship can help them achieve this goal of internal happiness. You're not really listening because you've got a block in your head that disallows you from thinking beyond or separately from your relationship, it's the same weight that's going to prevent you from isolating your personal issues and working on them...instead you're going to try to resolve those issues "through" your relationship...It's a flawed theory however, you cannot fix a problem by fixing something that isn't broken or entirely somewhere else, you will insist or confuse problems being relationship issues rather than personal ones...if you can even manage to differentiate between what is what...which I'd wager a lot that you wouldn't be able to in the moment. If you look at most people, what they're doing is replacing or filling a void with the opposite sex or relationships, they use that as a way of replacing and attempting to nurture old wounds back into healing...but it just doesn't work that way, and what happens when this relationship or if this relationship doesn't work out...then what do you have? what did you work on and achieve? you'll be back at square one. You also believe you and your BF could be very very happy together, look at most women in relationship...regardless of how well they function or not, don't you think MOST people believe that? or more so have to believe in that? isn't that the...point? what does that have to do with you? There's nothing to say about you allowing or even insisting/preferring, word it however you'd like to in order to convince yourself that this is a good thing...because there is no "goal" that you're trying to reach together, YOU are trying to find a way to be happy within the relationship because you believe the "potential" is good and the "bad" which is resolving your personal is, and you wouldn't want to let this go while you go off and fix your issues that you probably aren't even confident in yourself in overcoming alone, which in spite of being alone, you may have done very little to focus on your issues, if you were even aware of them in the first place...so really, there's not a whole lot of positive to say about that, other than you are allowing yourself to bring someone down into your world while you fix these problems, because whoever you are with will inherit your issues and you will theirs...which not to mention whatever issues he has, which almost certainly incline him to stick through your side through this...he wouldn't want to leave either, and that's because you both don't see the bigger picture, and he doesn't recognize his own personal issues that gravitate him towards you...so you'll learn the hard way through trial and error and then say "you've been through so much together"....see how that works? right now you just look at this as some "perfect guy" you can't fix yourself for or are trying to, but that's the perception not the reality, because you don't gravitate towards someone with issues if you can't somehow relate or connect to it in some way through your own life....it's not "love", that's the perception of it though. At any rate, the longer you're together, the more you'll see things for what they are....slowly, but surely. But it's a very slow slow process., that's why people stay together so long and so many years, then when they break up and look back they can see the relationship objectively and the issues for what they really were, which they don't see while in it...and you are no different, you are stuck in the same bubble and until you focus on yourself and put yourself first, you're not going to make those big strides...you have to put yourself first.
Author heywhatsup7 Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 Well, while I see what you're saying, I think you have a very pessimistic view of relationships. Everyone has issues. And I think everyone can and should be working on themselves. But working on your issues isn't something you do for a while and then it's done. Many issues are lifelong struggles that you get better at but are always there to some extent. The way you're talking it sounds as though you don't believe anyone with issues should be in a relationship, and the only people who are fit enough for relationships are those with no problems. But everyone has problems. I can work on my attachment issues, or whatever they are. And I think that with the help of therapy they will get better with time. But I think to some extent they'll always be there. I will always have a tendency to shy away from big decisions within a relationship. But I'm not going to use that as a reason to never be in one.
nerdlingZA Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I can almost assure u that u have doubts bcoz he's a nice guy, if its was a guy who didn't care u would be skeptical.
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