purplesorrow Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 It would have made all of this easier to understand and accept. Instead I'm left with knowing he threw us away for nothing. Maybe I'm crazy but I do wish it all would have been worth it. His affair ended up being the rock bottom of his life. He won't even mention her name. I would read where ow would tell him she loved him, his response would be that's nice, you know I don't feel the same! That is what he risked our marriage and family for? How do you make peace with that? Now he is fighting not to lose me. He says he was the problem. He sees that it wasn't our marriage that wasn't fulfilling him, but that he wasn't giving enough. He is learning not to be selfish. Am I alone in thinking this way?
whichwayisup Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 It would have made all of this easier to understand and accept. Instead I'm left with knowing he threw us away for nothing. Maybe I'm crazy but I do wish it all would have been worth it. His affair ended up being the rock bottom of his life. He won't even mention her name. I would read where ow would tell him she loved him, his response would be that's nice, you know I don't feel the same! That is what he risked our marriage and family for? How do you make peace with that? Now he is fighting not to lose me. He says he was the problem. He sees that it wasn't our marriage that wasn't fulfilling him, but that he wasn't giving enough. He is learning not to be selfish. Am I alone in thinking this way? He is right. This was all about him. Mid life crisis? Some woman made him feel good about himself, pumped him up and made him feel needed and like a king. He is broken. Is he remorseful and fully ready to fix himself so he can be a better husband to you? If yes, then do you feel he is ready for a chance to make it right with you? Some can't forgive and get past an affair, some can. If you can't, you can't. Sometimes the hurt and pain kills the desire to fix things, it's just too much. Take your time, but if you still love him and are willing, see how it goes.
Jatan Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 Same here. I have forgiven but cant really forget. I am confused myself. For my kids i am doing it i guess.
Fluttershy Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 The saying Forgive and forget doesn't literally mean forget. No one forgets when someone hurts them in a huge way. It means you know longer hold it against the person. It is no longer right there haunting you every minute of the day. And that takes time. If the affair isn't rugswept and both the BS and WS are putting into R it can happen with time. But a Ws who does not do whatever it takes and a bS who wants to keep the affair as a trump card will not get there. If you are a person who holds someone's past actions against them forever no matter how hard they prove they are remorseful for it and you are unwilling to work on that part of yourself then R isn't for you. The goal of r is a marriage or relationship no longer imbalanced. As to love, you don't want that in the mess. It sounds simpler from where you are sitting but actually experiencing it is another thing. And raises a whole lot more questions. The backbone of cheating is the belief that they will never get caught. And what your spouse doesn't kniw won't hurt them. And then reality strikes. I beliee these cheaters who don't fall in love and actually wake up have the easiest time changing themselves. You want peace of mind by divorcing but that won't be enough. You need to accept the simple truth. People do thoughtless and stupid thhings. A single choice can cause a mountain to fall. The majority of non seriel cheaters believe just as strongly as you and I they will never cheat. It isn't always some obvious character flaw some people like us to believe. You don't have to think you should have known. Forgive yourself first. And then him. It will free you.
Author purplesorrow Posted May 17, 2014 Author Posted May 17, 2014 Thank you all. He has worked and is still working very hard to change himself. I am struggling. I am still so very hurt, I don't know if I would hold it against him. I don't know if I would throw it in his face if we have an argument. I don't know if I can fully love him the way one deserves so sadly I am on the path to divorce. It is selfish of me to ask him to put his life on hold while I figure these things out. Life is for living, not sitting in stagnant limbo. There is just so much still going on in my head. Thanks for responding, all of your input gives much to think on. Peace to all.
Fluttershy Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 Thank you all. He has worked and is still working very hard to change himself. I am struggling. I am still so very hurt, I don't know if I would hold it against him. I don't know if I would throw it in his face if we have an argument. I don't know if I can fully love him the way one deserves so sadly I am on the path to divorce. It is selfish of me to ask him to put his life on hold while I figure these things out. Life is for living, not sitting in stagnant limbo. There is just so much still going on in my head. Thanks for responding, all of your input gives much to think on. Peace to all. What is selfish is not to give him the option. Like people in troubles marriages who cheat. Tell him everything and tell him how you feel and how confuse you are. Let him choose to wait and see or move on. Then imrpove what you would like better in yourself and work on you. Some people don't go for seperation if there is any thought for one day R. I get it with kids. It is better to seperate in the same house when you have small children if you can behave well in front of the kids. But if you need space before finalizing anything I say take it. You don't seem to be having trist issues or corrol issues with him so I don't think not having him under a watchful eye will hurt your chances. My only recommendations if you in your heart are unsure is not to get involved with anyone even casually. It will only complicate things. I know you probably have no intentions to but you are so hurt and trying to stop the hurt that temptation might come in.
Author purplesorrow Posted May 17, 2014 Author Posted May 17, 2014 What is selfish is not to give him the option. Like people in troubles marriages who cheat. Tell him everything and tell him how you feel and how confuse you are. Let him choose to wait and see or move on. Then imrpove what you would like better in yourself and work on you. Some people don't go for seperation if there is any thought for one day R. I get it with kids. It is better to seperate in the same house when you have small children if you can behave well in front of the kids. But if you need space before finalizing anything I say take it. You don't seem to be having trist issues or corrol issues with him so I don't think not having him under a watchful eye will hurt your chances. My only recommendations if you in your heart are unsure is not to get involved with anyone even casually. It will only complicate things. I know you probably have no intentions to but you are so hurt and trying to stop the hurt that temptation might come in. We have been separated almost a year. He lives with his parents. He knows how I feel about everything. Dating anyone is so far off from anything on my horizon. My boundaries are tight and always have been. I have no interest in any other relationship because this one hasn't been completed. I would need to divorce before even considering someone else. I am fine with handling things this way, but I can't ask him to do the same. A year separation was required before we could file. I have nor had any desire to watch over him. I just can not live that way. 1
snappytomcat Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 It would have made all of this easier to understand and accept. Instead I'm left with knowing he threw us away for nothing. Maybe I'm crazy but I do wish it all would have been worth it. His affair ended up being the rock bottom of his life. He won't even mention her name. I would read where ow would tell him she loved him, his response would be that's nice, you know I don't feel the same! That is what he risked our marriage and family for? How do you make peace with that? Now he is fighting not to lose me. He says he was the problem. He sees that it wasn't our marriage that wasn't fulfilling him, but that he wasn't giving enough. He is learning not to be selfish. Am I alone in thinking this way? purple first I want to say im so sorry for your pain. and omg!!!!you are talking about my xws,im serious,his feeling about xow,and the not saying I love you,but she told him,he cant even say her name,its like a very bad word in our house,and he too said he had hit rock bottom,during his affair. yes I questioned why also,i do believe he was in a mid life crisis,but also liked his ego stroked,and he knows it was all about what was wrong with him. take care,its just odd that our husbands are so much alike
BetrayedH Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 If he didn't love the OW, he threw you away for nothing. If he did love the OW, you would feel that you weren't good enough. Some people are upset that the wayward kept their rings on during sex. Some were upset that they took them off. There's no winning. They do the crime and we do the time. 7
Author purplesorrow Posted May 17, 2014 Author Posted May 17, 2014 If he didn't love the OW, he threw you away for nothing. If he did love the OW, you would feel that you weren't good enough. Some people are upset that the wayward kept their rings on during sex. Some were upset that they took them off. There's no winning. They do the crime and we do the time. So very true.
veritas lux mea Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 I al sorry OP your life has become such Hell. I hope you find your inner peace. I don't think cheaters deserve a second chance. But I certainly appreciate mine and I appreciate that my husband wasn't as destroyed by my actions. For him he was glad there were no ILYs. If seperation didn't work for you and divorce doesn't give you peace. Maybe your heart wants to try R. Real R where you work together and live together and rebuild your relationship. 1
Author purplesorrow Posted May 17, 2014 Author Posted May 17, 2014 I al sorry OP your life has become such Hell. I hope you find your inner peace. I don't think cheaters deserve a second chance. But I certainly appreciate mine and I appreciate that my husband wasn't as destroyed by my actions. For him he was glad there were no ILYs. If seperation didn't work for you and divorce doesn't give you peace. Maybe your heart wants to try R. Real R where you work together and live together and rebuild your relationship. Thank you. I don't want to divorce but right now too afraid to r! I am glad that you were able to repair and move forward. I wish you both the best.
veritas lux mea Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 We didn't have money or children to complicate feelings and I think that made t a lot easier for my H to move forward with what he wanted. Whatever your future holds I hope you have many moments of pure joy.
Ladydrib Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 It would have made all of this easier to understand and accept. Instead I'm left with knowing he threw us away for nothing. Maybe I'm crazy but I do wish it all would have been worth it. His affair ended up being the rock bottom of his life. He won't even mention her name. I would read where ow would tell him she loved him, his response would be that's nice, you know I don't feel the same! That is what he risked our marriage and family for? How do you make peace with that? Now he is fighting not to lose me. He says he was the problem. He sees that it wasn't our marriage that wasn't fulfilling him, but that he wasn't giving enough. He is learning not to be selfish. Am I alone in thinking this way? He sounds remorseful. Here's another way to look at this "I would read where ow would tell him she loved him, his response would be that's nice, you know I don't feel the same! That is what he risked our marriage and family for? How do you make peace with that?" I believe that in a messed up way, he was actually protecting your marriage by telling her that. He probably didn't love her and did love you. He probably wanted to set expectations up front with her that she meant nothing to him and probably did so because he did value you and your marriage. Why someone would risk something they value, I don't understand. He probably has some underlying issue. He sounds remorseful. Insist that he goes to counseling to figure out why he risked your marriage. Then have him address whatever issue it is that he has. As long as he's willing to take responsibility and fix it, maybe you can forgive him and come out stronger as a couple. 2
Ladydrib Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 What is selfish is not to give him the option. I disagree with that. She doesn't owe him anything at this point. He broke their vows. She can do nothing selfish in response to that. She is entirely within her right to handle it how ever she chooses. If she decides she can't forgive him, she child not feel guilty about leaving. It's her choice and it's not selfish.
Hope Shimmers Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 Again, I'm not speaking from experience or trying to put words in your mouth or thoughts into you mind as I can't know what you have gone through. But I have to think, how could it have been better for him to fall in love with someone other than you? Isn't it better that he didn't? Yes, you still have to deal with the fact that he put everything on the line, but do you think that he thought of that at the time? He made a huge mistake but he is human and sometimes people (especially men) don't think ahead to consequences. Do you think - if he truly was thinking rationally during the time that he might lose you and your family - that he would have made the same choices? Maybe that is the answer to how you move through this... I don't know. But I know you are a smart woman, you must have married a smart man, and I can't believe - given the situation - that he was rationally thinking that he might lose all of you and still made that choice. I don't think it hit him until later what he could lose. People just make crappy, irrational, decisions sometimes when they are in a bad place for whatever reason... I don't think it has to mean that he deliberately weighed and measured the decision at the time and thought you were worth losing.
Author purplesorrow Posted May 18, 2014 Author Posted May 18, 2014 Again, I'm not speaking from experience or trying to put words in your mouth or thoughts into you mind as I can't know what you have gone through. But I have to think, how could it have been better for him to fall in love with someone other than you? Isn't it better that he didn't? Yes, you still have to deal with the fact that he put everything on the line, but do you think that he thought of that at the time? He made a huge mistake but he is human and sometimes people (especially men) don't think ahead to consequences. Do you think - if he truly was thinking rationally during the time that he might lose you and your family - that he would have made the same choices? Maybe that is the answer to how you move through this... I don't know. But I know you are a smart woman, you must have married a smart man, and I can't believe - given the situation - that he was rationally thinking that he might lose all of you and still made that choice. I don't think it hit him until later what he could lose. People just make crappy, irrational, decisions sometimes when they are in a bad place for whatever reason... I don't think it has to mean that he deliberately weighed and measured the decision at the time and thought you were worth losing. Given the length of time of the affair, there was a lot of planning and work put into it. I don't believe for one minute he didn't know he was causing harm. Even if hurting me was not a part of the plan, it should have at the very least been a deterrent. He was willing to risk us and he did. But you are correct, not until dday did he realize what he had lost. I could see it on his face. I knew I had lost him long before dday, I just didn't have evidence and he kept lying. I truly do wish that throwing his life with me away was he found his everything in the ow. If I wasn't that for him, I would want him to have that. He was that for me and that is why this hurts so much. I never so much as gave out my # to another man in all these years. I carried myself like my husband was right beside me because I never wanted to disrespect him nor our marriage. 2
Hope Shimmers Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 Given the length of time of the affair, there was a lot of planning and work put into it. I don't believe for one minute he didn't know he was causing harm. Even if hurting me was not a part of the plan, it should have at the very least been a deterrent. He was willing to risk us and he did. But you are correct, not until dday did he realize what he had lost. I could see it on his face. I knew I had lost him long before dday, I just didn't have evidence and he kept lying. I truly do wish that throwing his life with me away was he found his everything in the ow. If I wasn't that for him, I would want him to have that. He was that for me and that is why this hurts so much. I never so much as gave out my # to another man in all these years. I carried myself like my husband was right beside me because I never wanted to disrespect him nor our marriage. I didn't mean to try to tell you what to do or think. Sorry if it came across as such. I wasn't trying to give him a pass. I conducted myself in my marriage the same as you, even though my H didn't mean to me what yours did to you. So I get that. I just think that men think very differently about some things compared with how women think. 1
Speakingofwhich Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 How do you know he thought he was risking his marriage when he had an affair? Isn't it possible that he thought he could have the affair and still stay married to you?
Author purplesorrow Posted May 18, 2014 Author Posted May 18, 2014 (edited) How do you know he thought he was risking his marriage when he had an affair? Isn't it possible that he thought he could have the affair and still stay married to you? He thought he would never get caught. He knew he was taking a risk, he would not have done so much to cover if he didn't. And knowing the values both discussed and thought we both had, he already knew how I felt about cheating. Divorce was expected by him. I would have expected nothing less from him had I cheated. But hey, anything is possible. Edited May 18, 2014 by purplesorrow
Speakingofwhich Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 He thought he would never get caught. He knew he was taking a risk, he would not have done so much to cover if he didn't. Risk occurs when possibility of damage or loss is present. Without that possibility, there is no risk. If a person can convince himself he won't be caught he believes there is no risk of damage. That doesn't remove the risk. It just means he's oblivious to it. He was blinded to the reality that the risk was there because he believed since he had covered his tracks he had removed the possibility of risk. Of course, we all know the risk was still there. That's not the point I'm making. The point is that he didn't believe it was there. Since he didn't believe there was risk he didn't weigh it against the value of your marriage. Obviously, this (not seeing the risk) doesn't absolve him of the guilt of breaking the marriage vows. From what you've posted, it seems to me he did and still does value your marriage very much but was and possibly still is confused about some things pertaining to the importance of truth. 1
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