Tonia2 Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 I might be reading too much into things. Probably more wishful thinking to be honest. Broke up with my bf of 2 years on Thursday. We had a similar break about 6 months ago, as he wasn’t sure of his commitment. He is now saying that he has been dithering for the last 6 months (I let him move back in with me, but this was always a temporary measure). He is 37 divorced, I am 26 and quite needy. I brought back article on commitment phobia, and he took it to heart and said that the line that ‘commitment phobes are often too scared to be in a relationship, but also too scared to leave one’ struck a chord. The conversation escalated and we ended up breaking up. He says he still loves/ finds me attractive, but he doesn’t think it is enough. He says that I never made anything hard enough for him and basically gave it to him on a plate, but that he thinks I am a wonderful girl etc. Since then he has been in constant contact, saying that distance is the only thing that will produce clarity, and that he misses me intensely. I initiated no contact earlier today and it really hurts, but he accepted it. He is a very honourable, kind, nice bloke, and I am sure that he was very comfortable with our situation but is now trying to do the right thing. We were very tactile right until the end, and I know he has a lot of affection for me. Do you think these are his own issues? He will acknowledge that day to day we had an awesome time together and seemed made for each other, but he felt something was missing. Bear in mind that he had become subsumed in my life/ friends/ living in parents flat. Do you think he will reflect on things during NC (it will be at least 2 weeks) and maybe see the reality of our situation, or is this unusual? Our discussion seemed to gather its own momentum, and he claims he didn’t really plan it, although he had been uncomfortable for a while. Earlier that evening he had been talking about taking me out for dinner the following evening as he was going away etc. very confused and would like to know if I am being unrealistic (he told me that he had regrets at the moment, but would only know in time if they were genuine) or do they come back? He knows that if he were to come back it would have to be full on commitment (eg. Marriage) Would really appreciate advice.
tattoomytoe Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 well after one failed marriage, i bet he is very weary of testing fate again. but you said he says he loves you, but it is not enough? i am sorry, but what else is he seeking? i think that would be the question. if you were to get back together, what are both your expectations....if not for the far off future, then for the month?
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 As a slightly commitmentphobic guy in my 30s too, I'd say he is very likely to have quite significant regrets... especially on Valentine's day. The real questions are: what action will this translate into? Can a relationship be built which meets your needs, or at least strikes a better compromise? No contact is the best advice for the next few weeks.
Toni2 Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 Thank you all for your advice - who would have thought that you randomly log on to a forum and get such articulate, sound wisdom. I have just had a text from him saying that he lost the plot when replying to my email (crying and ****) - what now?
Author Tonia2 Posted February 9, 2005 Author Posted February 9, 2005 Thank you for your advice. Who would have thought that you log into a random forum and get such articulate, sound wisdom. I have just had a text saying that he has just broken down replying to my email - what to do now? For me it would be enough for him to ask me to live with him, i am not expecting marriage imminently - he is in the process of a divorce. I do not want to go through this again though, and i need him to grow up. He is very emotionally immature for a 37 year old man and seems to act on a whim a lot of the time. So basically I desperately want him back, as he is a cool, cool man, but I do not want to compromise my dignity, integrity etc. and sell myself short.
tattoomytoe Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 so make a list of what you will and will not settle for. keep that list for future mates too. maybe share some of it or all with him, just so you two know what expectations you two will have. maybe for him, it will just be that he does not flake out.
Author Tonia2 Posted February 9, 2005 Author Posted February 9, 2005 I think he knows what i will settle for. Unfortunatley he is not offering me anything at the moment - maybe he is just going through the typical withdrawls when you break up with someone that you still care for and miss - we used to spend a lot of time together, and as i said, i brought a lot more to the table than he did. It is doing my head in though - quite mixed messages i think. i haven't replied to his latest text - is that callous? it breaks my heart not to...
Author Tonia2 Posted February 9, 2005 Author Posted February 9, 2005 It said that reading my email he was cracking up (crying and ****) and that he nearly lost it speaking to his mother too (who he has a very distant relationship with) advice appreciated.
tattoomytoe Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 i dunno..... tell him wear YOU stand. the ball is in your court, so to speak. at least we know he still cares and is thinking of you. i would wait to response. sleep on it. ask him what would be the reasoning you should take him in...other than the fact that you care and all.
Author Tonia2 Posted February 9, 2005 Author Posted February 9, 2005 yeah, but sadly (or luckily, as i am so emotionally unstable) he is not asking for me to take him back... i wonder if this is just the catharsis and normal breakdown of a relationship - surely everyone feels that bad when they break up, even if they instigated it? You are right though, i guess i want to know whether he is genuinely missing me and wants me, or if he is just being a d*ck and vocalising every little hardship he goes through with the break-up with no real regrets. I wont answer it now - suspect i will have a long email to go back to in the office tomorrow.
sundrop Posted February 10, 2005 Posted February 10, 2005 I think he knows what i will settle for. I am worrying when you say settle...... You shouldn't be settling for anything. Nobody should have to "settle". Don't sell yourself short..... Sorry I just hate the word settle. Know what you want and stick with it. To me settling is selling yourself short. That is what I have learned through my experience. And let him miss you for a while. My ex gave me the same speech two years into our relationship. I was making myself to available and wasn't giving him the ability to miss me. Once I made myself scarce and got curious, wanted to know what I was doing and found me interesting again. It sounds like he still cares for you and as long as he does there is hope. But in the mean time take care of yourself.....
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