Is the guy I'm dating all that into me?

[carrie91]

Been dating a guy for about 2 months now. We are exclusive. We see each other once or twice per week (we've both got a lot on at the minute, so can't see each other more). We talk maybe every other day, but it's just a phone call or a text or two. We have fun when we see each other.

 

But for some reason, I'm feeling like he might not be that into me. Not as in he doesn't want to see me, otherwise he wouldn't. But just as in, if we stopped dating right now, he'd be like 'ok, whatever'.

 

I know people's first reaction to this might be 'well if he doesn't seem that bothered, stop dating him', but I don't know if I have any reason to feel like this. I think it's just that with other guys I've dated / had relationships with, they've always made clear how they feel about me. This guy doesn't. He's not very romantic. When it comes to dates, he doesn't plan much, we just go for drinks or food occasionally. When he leaves the next day, there's no goodbye kiss. He'll go a couple of days without talking to me.

 

But he does initiate contact after those couple of days. And when we do meet, we'll go out and have lots of fun, and he'll tell me how much he's been looking forward to it. So then people might say 'well if you have fun, what's the problem?', which is something I'm asking myself. I think it's just that I really like the guy and I don't want to get hurt by carrying this on if he's not that into me. Just feel like I don't want to keep dating him if my feelings for him are growing and his aren't growing at all.

 

I'm not really sure what I'm asking. I think maybe just, what should I expect after two months? Does it sound like I'm being insecure for no reason? If his feeling were growing, should I know it, or are some people just less expressive with their emotions? Or do I just need to give it more time?

Edited May 17, 2014 by carrie91

[KatZee]

Seems more platonic than anything.

 

The way you guys act, that's how I act with my male friends, and my female friends. We go out have a great time, have drinks, eat food, then we don't have to necessarily talk the next day or so.

 

When we leave we just say, "see ya later."

 

I don't sense a romantic connection based on what you wrote here, and after two months there should be at least kissing going on.

[carrie91]

Seems more platonic than anything.

 

The way you guys act, that's how I act with my male friends, and my female friends. We go out have a great time, have drinks, eat food, then we don't have to necessarily talk the next day or so.

 

When we leave we just say, "see ya later."

 

I don't sense a romantic connection based on what you wrote here, and after two months there should be at least kissing going on.

 

Thanks for the response. We do kiss, and sleep together. It's just when he's leaving that he doesn't (usually) give me a goodbye kiss.

[Survivor12]

The question is not whether or not he's into you but whether YOU are happy with HIM.

 

is it enough for you to talk/text occasionally, see each other a couple of times a week & have sex? Are you satisfied with no romance?

 

If you're not, then you should end the relationship and find someone better suited to you who can/will meet your needs.

 

What you are doing right now is settling & hoping that he will change. To be honest, you do deserve more than what he's willing to give but only if you think enough of yourself to put the effort into finding someone who is. This guy doesn't seem to be the one.

[firmness]

In defense of men, I will say that there is no winning with women. It is just a fact and it sucks. If he demonstrates too much affection, he will creep you out and you may run away. I know you will deny this, but it is one of the most common amateur dating mistakes - to let too much out too soon. Women have this challenge too, but men have it big time.

 

Don't show enough (frequently, intensely, signals, words, actions, etc) and she may get the impression that "he's not that into you".

 

This is insane! But the world we live in.

 

Ultimately, the best course of action ON AVERAGE is to hold back. Men have been doing this for millennia for good reason. Ideally, a good man will find a good woman who will be able to handle honesty, vulnerability, and feelings - but most people (by definition) are average. And so the average woman is funny about men's feelings - women here have admitted as much many times.

 

So if he does not show what he feels, he is basically shutting down. It could be instincts, it could be experience with an ex, or you could be making him feel like it is not safe to express himself (the most likely scenario, because most decent men want a woman they can talk to).

 

The problem is that once we do this, it is virtually impossible to trust again at that level. It is like asking him to really believe in Santa Claus again. It is just not possible.

 

Good luck.

[SJC2008]

In defense of men, I will say that there is no winning with women. It is just a fact and it sucks. If he demonstrates too much affection, he will creep you out and you may run away. I know you will deny this, but it is one of the most common amateur dating mistakes - to let too much out too soon. Women have this challenge too, but men have it big time.

 

Don't show enough (frequently, intensely, signals, words, actions, etc) and she may get the impression that "he's not that into you".

 

This is insane! But the world we live in.

 

Toe the line! It sucks but it is what it is. I agree it goes both ways though.

[Assasda]

This girl will NEVER leave this guy.

 

Because this guy is comfortable in who he is as a person.

 

Let me drop some knowledge on you Carrie91

You love this guy more, because, his kisses mean more to you. He doesnt kiss you all the time, and he doesnt express his feelings all the time. BUT when he does, its genuine, and YOU appreciate that.

 

OP is right though. She knows that she is insecure. Because this guy is a totally normal healthy guy, and if you nag him about any of this crap, you just might get left behind, by him.

 

What you need to do is improve yourself OP, and find things to make you a better person, and dont focus too much on relationship.

YOU GUYS ARE JUST 2 MONTHS in. .... Please

[bu2002]

I would think at the 2 month mark, things have escalated to the point where you two just can't wait to see each other.

 

How do you feel when a day goes by without hearing from him? Do you miss him? Do you think about him a lot when you're not with him?

[Leigh 87]

This girl will NEVER leave this guy.

 

Because this guy is comfortable in who he is as a person.

 

Let me drop some knowledge on you Carrie91

You love this guy more, because, his kisses mean more to you. He doesnt kiss you all the time, and he doesnt express his feelings all the time. BUT when he does, its genuine, and YOU appreciate that.

 

OP is right though. She knows that she is insecure. Because this guy is a totally normal healthy guy, and if you nag him about any of this crap, you just might get left behind, by him.

 

What you need to do is improve yourself OP, and find things to make you a better person, and dont focus too much on relationship.

YOU GUYS ARE JUST 2 MONTHS in. .... Please

 

 

 

After two months in, many guys are really into a girl by that stage.

 

After two months, many guys don't go on dates with other women because they like their girlfriend too much to keep things "casual"

 

All your posts indicate that you clearly don't believe that an emotionally healthy male should be that crazy about a girl after the first two months. Your posts WRONGLY urge women to expect men to be chill and casual- when IT IS NOT good at all for a man to still see other women after one month of seeing a woman.

 

When a man still wants to go on dates with other women after two months of dating YOU, A he is definitely NOT that into you.

 

I have seen a LOT lof men who were really into girls and NONE of them saw other women after the first date or so, let alone MONTHS after their first date.

 

Men who are really into you won't see other people after two months, plain and simple.

[Assasda]

After two months in, many guys are really into a girl by that stage.

 

After two months, many guys don't go on dates with other women because they like their girlfriend too much to keep things "casual"

 

All your posts indicate that you clearly don't believe that an emotionally healthy male should be that crazy about a girl after the first two months. Your posts WRONGLY urge women to expect men to be chill and casual- when IT IS NOT good at all for a man to still see other women after one month of seeing a woman.

 

When a man still wants to go on dates with other women after two months of dating YOU, A he is definitely NOT that into you.

 

I have seen a LOT lof men who were really into girls and NONE of them saw other women after the first date or so, let alone MONTHS after their first date.

 

Men who are really into you won't see other people after two months, plain and simple.

 

 

I'll leave this to one post because I disagree with almost everything I've seen you add.

 

- I dont know what has come into your head, but there is nothing in the OPs post that says that the guy is seeing any other women. I dont see any reason why the OPs guy would be seeing another woman. I just think that youre so distrusting and jaded, that you drum that up in your head.

 

Also, I only urge guys to see other women, when its over for them, or they're in a weird kind of limbo.

 

I stand by all my posts

[carrie91]

Thanks for the replies everyone, apologies for the late response! I'm still not sure what to think. I did think, as has been suggested, that maybe he's holding back, and thought that maybe I have been a bit too, so I have tried to be more open with him so he feels like he can be with me. It's not made much of a difference.

 

I'm just confused because he does make plans to see me, and does text/ call. But it's starting to feel more like exclusive friends with benefits. It's not all about sex as we do enjoy each other's company and laugh a lot.

 

I guess the easiest way to put it is that he kisses me but he doesn't hold my hand.

 

So I'm confused. All I know is that if it carries on this way, I'm going to stop seeing him soon. To me, casual fun is fine for a bit, but not if it goes on long enough to develop feelings. And I'm not prepared to develop more feelings for someone if they are not doing the same.

[soccerrprp]

You two openly talked about exclusivity as gf/bf? He is acting like a FWB who has declared exclusivity. His disappearing for a few days cannot discount another woman. Just can't right now.

 

Having occasional dates, laughing, having a good time doesn't necessarily make this relationship anything more than a FWB in his mind. When a guy is into you, really into you, he is all over you, doesn't disappear, is affectionate, etc. Everyone is different, of course, but I show my affection at the very start and the women I have dated loved that. Something is off and it is good to put conditions on this relationship for your sake.

[carrie91]

You two openly talked about exclusivity as gf/bf? He is acting like a FWB who has declared exclusivity. His disappearing for a few days cannot discount another woman. Just can't right now.

 

Having occasional dates, laughing, having a good time doesn't necessarily make this relationship anything more than a FWB in his mind. When a guy is into you, really into you, he is all over you, doesn't disappear, is affectionate, etc. Everyone is different, of course, but I show my affection at the very start and the women I have dated loved that. Something is off and it is good to put conditions on this relationship for your sake.

 

Thanks for the reply. Guess he could be seeing someone else, but he told me he isn't, so I'm choosing to believe him about that at the moment. Didn't actually think I'd find myself in this situation because usually I start to like someone because they are more affectionate. With him it's different. I like him. The person he is, independently of how he's treating me or feels about me.

 

I'm just not sure whether to give it more time, as maybe it just takes me a while to open up or even to feel that way for someone. Or if it means that if he actually just doesn't see me that way and never will.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Sounds like he's just casually dating you, claiming to be exclusive but never assume someone is just because they say so.

 

It's not about "belief" or "giving more", women just need to understand that just because a guy is seeing you doesn't mean he's that interested, and there's nothing you can do to increase that...he either is, or he isn't.

 

The the next thing is then women don't want to rock the boat by asking any tough questions (mainly because they don't want to accept the truth but because they want to try and change it instead) with therefore makes you passive, you're just kind of in the backseat.

 

If this is the right pace for you then I'd say just be fine with it, if it's not and you're wondering what he's thinking and feeling, then just look at his behavior...and judging by his behavior he doesn't seem terribly interested in you at all, it's very casual from what you're saying.

 

Not too sure why women ask these questions though, you're not going to just walk away unless he gives you a good reason to. So it doesn't really matter what is said here or how you feel, you're still going to insist on believing some weird theory you come up with in your own head to convince yourself to stick around anyway or think it's something you can change or will develop over time, never fails.

[carrie91]

Sounds like he's just casually dating you, claiming to be exclusive but never assume someone is just because they say so.

 

It's not about "belief" or "giving more", women just need to understand that just because a guy is seeing you doesn't mean he's that interested, and there's nothing you can do to increase that...he either is, or he isn't.

 

The the next thing is then women don't want to rock the boat by asking any tough questions (mainly because they don't want to accept the truth but because they want to try and change it instead) with therefore makes you passive, you're just kind of in the backseat.

 

If this is the right pace for you then I'd say just be fine with it, if it's not and you're wondering what he's thinking and feeling, then just look at his behavior...and judging by his behavior he doesn't seem terribly interested in you at all, it's very casual from what you're saying.

 

Not too sure why women ask these questions though, you're not going to just walk away unless he gives you a good reason to. So it doesn't really matter what is said here or how you feel, you're still going to insist on believing some weird theory you come up with in your own head to convince yourself to stick around anyway or think it's something you can change or will develop over time, never fails.

 

I feel like you've pretty much hit the nail on the head. I probably am just trying to convince myself that things will change. But I guess walking away from someone you've developed feelings for is easier said than done.

[soccerrprp]

I feel like you've pretty much hit the nail on the head. I probably am just trying to convince myself that things will change. But I guess walking away from someone you've developed feelings for is easier said than done.

 

carrie91,

 

In this case, it's too early to bail. you need to talk to him and see what happens. make your expectations clear. but, yes, don't wait too long for things to change and certainly don't convince yourself that they will w/o having given CLEAR communication to your needs and wants. there's always the danger of giving people you have feelings for TOO much space and time. it's not just you, lot's of people tend to do that. sooner or later, you have to realize that you're wasting your time or he's wasting yours....it kind of sucks, but people who are more objective, clear about what they want in life and make no compromise are the ones who do best in relationships. i do not or rarely allow my emotions dictate how I act, it plays a part, but it does not control how I decide....too dangerous and unreliable.

[carrie91]

carrie91,

 

In this case, it's too early to bail. you need to talk to him and see what happens. make your expectations clear. but, yes, don't wait too long for things to change and certainly don't convince yourself that they will w/o having given CLEAR communication to your needs and wants. there's always the danger of giving people you have feelings for TOO much space and time. it's not just you, lot's of people tend to do that. sooner or later, you have to realize that you're wasting your time or he's wasting yours....it kind of sucks, but people who are more objective, clear about what they want in life and make no compromise are the ones who do best in relationships. i do not or rarely allow my emotions dictate how I act, it plays a part, but it does not control how I decide....too dangerous and unreliable.

 

Maybe I should talk to him then. I guess I just don't even know how I'd go about saying what is wrong. He does see me a couple of times a week (the most either of us can make at the moment), he does call. I don't want to sound like I'm nagging at him about something not important, as if I don't explain it properly, that is how it might sound. I'll figure something out though.

 

And I admire your ability to use your head instead of your heart when it comes to making decisions. It's something I do struggle with far too often it seems!

 

Thanks

[Zahara]

I have to agree with Ninja. It really isn't that complicated. You've been together for two months. You have sex with the man so a little thing like kissing you when he's leaving shouldn't be an issue. His behavior doesn't sound like he's invested for the right reasons. And just because you're having sex, it doesn't mean exclusivity. I learned that the hard way.

 

We tend to bargain, compromise and settle because we're too afraid to rock the boat. It would be best to sit back and shut up rather than confront and possibly hear something we won't like. With the latter you have forward movement, with the former you're left guessing and settling.

 

You've been with him long enough to voice your expectations, wants and concerns. Talk to him. Don't leave yourself in the dark.

[carrie91]

I have to agree with Ninja. It really isn't that complicated. You've been together for two months. You have sex with the man so a little thing like kissing you when he's leaving shouldn't be an issue. His behavior doesn't sound like he's invested for the right reasons. And just because you're having sex, it doesn't mean exclusivity. I learned that the hard way.

 

We tend to bargain, compromise and settle because we're too afraid to rock the boat. It would be best to sit back and shut up rather than confront and possibly hear something we won't like. With the latter you have forward movement, with the former you're left guessing and settling.

 

You've been with him long enough to voice your expectations, wants and concerns. Talk to him. Don't leave yourself in the dark.

 

Thanks for the advice. I do feel like I need to talk to him, but at the same time I think that if he doesn't feel that way about me, what's the point in talking to him? He'll either tell me what I don't want to hear, or he'll tell me something I want to hear and not really mean it. I mean, unless there is a third possibility in which I talk to him and he suddenly changes the way he feels about me, I don't see how talking to him will help in any way. Might just be easier to walk away?

[Fondue]

He is coming off as just a cautious guy to me.

 

Two months is not a long time to be completely invested in someone. I would still be weary of the person that I was seeing at this point in the relationship.

 

It is probably what's going on in his mind, too. He's probably a pretty calculating person and proceeds with caution.

 

Give it time. He will improve.

 

I am similar to him in some of the aspects that you described. In particular, about the communication bit and the frequency of dates. At early stages (like 2 months), I didn't keep daily contact whatsoever, and I usually did not see someone more than twice a week.

 

Hell, I didn't even drop the "L" word until 6+months into the relationship with the girl I am currently seeing. She definitely understood I was a slow-moving person and she was patient. (actually, she is that kind, too). It worked wonders for us. As in, we're both very much on the same page and have a great relationship.

 

Just give it time. That's all I'm saying.

[Emilia]

Thanks for the advice. I do feel like I need to talk to him, but at the same time I think that if he doesn't feel that way about me, what's the point in talking to him? He'll either tell me what I don't want to hear, or he'll tell me something I want to hear and not really mean it. I mean, unless there is a third possibility in which I talk to him and he suddenly changes the way he feels about me, I don't see how talking to him will help in any way. Might just be easier to walk away?

don't be silly, why would you walk away instead of talking first? After 2 months.

[stateofgrace]

You're an adult, don't let people say "oh, well it's because you slept with him that he's acting this way". No. If all he wanted was sex, he'd be gone by now. Adults are allowed to have sex when they want to. Obviously it felt right at the time, so who cares?

 

Anyways, it's still early in the relationship, just take it one day at a time and see where it goes. If things don't change in a few weeks or whatever, talk to him. Tell him how you're feeling. Don't be afraid to talk about how you feel with him. I made this mistake with my current boyfriend too. But once we talked about it, it made a world of difference. My boyfriend is also not very romantic and doesn't make many plans. It took me some getting used to, but you need to accept him how he is, every guy is different. But that doesn't mean you can't express your doubts with him. He probably doesn't even realize!!! And, if you talk to him and he throws a fit or whatever, then better you found out sooner rather than later, right?

 

Also, just try kissing HIM goodbye, maybe he's just nervous or shy. Some people get awkward when they're saying goodbye to people. Just go for it! He IS your boyfriend afterall!

 

Good luck!

[clia]

But for some reason, I'm feeling like he might not be that into me. Not as in he doesn't want to see me, otherwise he wouldn't. But just as in, if we stopped dating right now, he'd be like 'ok, whatever'.

 

It's only been two months. Your relationship is brand new. I would be worried if his entire world fell apart if the two of you broke up.

 

I know people's first reaction to this might be 'well if he doesn't seem that bothered, stop dating him', but I don't know if I have any reason to feel like this. I think it's just that with other guys I've dated / had relationships with, they've always made clear how they feel about me. This guy doesn't. He's not very romantic. When it comes to dates, he doesn't plan much, we just go for drinks or food occasionally. When he leaves the next day, there's no goodbye kiss. He'll go a couple of days without talking to me.

 

It may just be that he isn't a romantic person, or a person who is expressive with his emotions. Some people aren't. Some people also aren't into PDA or hand holding. Some people aren't planners. There is nothing wrong with that; but the two of you may simply not be compatible. You have to figure out whether his actions speak of ambivalence toward you, or whether it is just how he is. I also don't see a red flag with going a day or two without talking at this stage of the relationship. It totally depends on the people involved; he may not be a constant communicator type.

[carrie91]

It's only been two months. Your relationship is brand new. I would be worried if his entire world fell apart if the two of you broke up. .

 

Wouldn't expect his whole world to fall apart, haha. But I would hope he'd be a bit gutted.

 

Thanks again for all of the replies. A lot of differing opinions here. Maybe a good course of action would be to see how things go over the next few times I see him and just go from there. I don't want to bring something up and create an issue if there isn't one, but if it's making me insecure and it's not getting any better then it is an issue to me, and if I'm feeling insecure and unhappy with things, then there's really no point of carrying on seeing him anyway. The whole point is that it's supposed to be fun, after all

[MissBee]

Life is too short to be with someone and not know how they feel...

 

If you're with someone and you aren't sure he's as interested, he probably isn't. Your feelings about it are probably spot on....he may like you well enough but as you said if things ended he'd be like "Ok whatever." I was FWB with a guy once who had previously had a 2 year relationship and before that a 5 year one yet explained he'd only been in love once, and it was with NEITHER of these women. He explained that the woman he was in love with, he thought about her often, he couldn't wait to see her after work, couldn't wait to plan with her etc...then explained that with these other women he lived with and were with for yeaars...they liked him, they were nice, so he agreed to be with them. He liked them, he was attracted to them but not in love with them, but figured why not have a gf, regular sex, etc. So it is possible for a man to be with a woman he isn't super into but likes well enough, but you don't want that right? Most women don't...most men and women want someone who is in love with them or at least is likely to be and who feels as strongly for them as they do.

 

I know my bf is really into me, I know how he feels, he's very affectionate, tells me all the time how he feels, he lets me know he misses me, definitely kisses me before he leaves and tells me he'll miss me or he doesn't want to leave me, he talks about our future and things we will do, including marriage etc...I have NO DOUBT at all that we're both in this and that if it ended it would bother him as much as it would me. I have no need to question his feelings as they're obvious...that's how it should be! If you don't know or have to guess or you feel like he is just so-so about you....99% chance is you're right, as a man CANNOT hide it when he's really into you. How does he look at you? That's the biggest clue....even if my bf never ever said anything, the way he looks at me, esp when I'm not looking but I catch him out of the corner of my eye, it tells me all I need to know that he adores me. I've been in situations where I was trying to make a relationship out of lukewarm interest and it wasn't satisfying, as you can tell....it's just the motions of a relationship but that security and surety that the person feels the same is missing...it's a waste of time IME...and being with someone who is ALL IN and makes it clear...I can never imagine, should we separate, that I'd be fine dating someone where I'm guessing.

 

IMO this isn't something you can negotiate or discuss into changing. However, you could try for what it's worth to see if somehow you're just "misunderstanding", although IME, there is nothing to misunderstand when the feelings are strong ---it is palpable! Are you bf/gf or just exclusive? Does he ever discuss the future? Did you all decide on what you wanted out of the relationship or you just "ended up" in one? That also makes a difference. I find that when the feelings are strong (and people are mature too) they actually discuss what it is they are getting into and want out of the decision to be exclusive.

Edited May 21, 2014 by MissBee