mortensorchid Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 Lately I am in the mindset where I am saying "the more the merrier". I have tried and not tried to find Mr. Right, and I seem to get pushed aside, looked over, treated badly, etc. I am now back in a mindset I had when I was in my early / mid twenties which is "Numbers!" I have been juggling many boyfriends as of late, fully knowing that they are not Mr. Right. In fact, I know that some of the men in question see other women, because they told me that they do. Not to mention the ones that I have had the occasional OLD with who you meet just the once and then never see or hear from them again. And of course I don't have to tell the ones I am seeing that I saw John Doe 1 on Friday and John Doe 2 on Saturday and John Doe 3 on Sunday, etc. Problem? Well I'm not boasting about my escapades publically to others, I am fully aware that I am not being lied to. I don't feel guilty about any of this. But is it possible to be too promiscuous? I'm not sleeping with ALL of these guys, but if it situation presents itself I will do so (safely of course). I get myself tested, and god only knows I have known a lot of gals who are A LOT more promiscuous than I am being now or in the past. Am I wrong to think this? I want to have a good time, but keeping it all on the down low so that I don't have a certain reputation. Is this wrong?
ja123 Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 In and of itself, I don't think it's wrong. You just want to make sure that the can't find Mr. Right story isn't masking emotionally unavailability on your part. Or that the promiscuity becomes a dependency which masks other issues. Nor do you want to sleep with so many that you become jaded and desensitized and miss out on Mr. Right when he's standing in front of you. 2
somedude81 Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 If you think you're sleeping with too many guys, then it's probably true. 2
Assasda Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 I think the OP is trying to fill some void in her life. Maybe getting some kind of validation from men, because you cant find one that respects you in a certain way. You know its not the way that you want to live your life. Thats why you're posting here. So handle your internal problems, you may need a little counseling 7
ascendotum Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 I think the OP is trying to fill some void in her life. Maybe getting some kind of validation from men, because you cant find one that respects you in a certain way. You know its not the way that you want to live your life. Thats why you're posting here. So handle your internal problems, you may need a little counseling I agree. possible to be too promiscuous...yeah for sure, of course it depends who you talk too. Does it matter, yes & no. It depends if you value that person's opinion. What a bunch of strangers say here should really not decide if you are happy with your sex life. Its what you think is 'too promiscuous' that should make you accepting of it. Some women have the emotional outlook to clock up big numbers with random men without any emotional detriment, but some can't. Some potential bfs will have a figure in mind as to 'too promiscuous', and their stance on the matter will hurt you (assuming they are upfront on it). Its easy enough to lie or just not delve into the past, though, and I'm sure lots of women do, so you could side step that issue.
littleplanet Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 What you're describing is exactly how the world worked when I was your age. We collectively kicked religiosity and dinosaur morals over the goalpost, and just got on with it. Eventually, most of us settled down into something resembling normal monogamy. But not before we tested our wings on various air currents. But hey. You run your own life. You have the freedom to do it, and that's what it's there for. There will always be the ones to judge....but what of it? If you feel fine....if you wake up in the morning feeling great.....if you can laugh at your own self in the bathroom mirror.....if you share some good human warmth with various other humans in that particular way....if you discover that a byproduct is a little more open-mindedness, and ultimately feeling more positive about yourself than negative.....then what's to object? On the other hand - if it ever crosses over into something that feels like it's dragging you down.....getting to be a bit of a chore.......not quite what you want - then you can always make a change. - which is what I did. But not before I had some fun, with a bunch of pretty interesting people. If you don't feel it's wrong for you - then it isn't wrong. You're not hurting - and no-one else is, either. There will always be ones who condemn it....it's not their cup of tea. But that's all. Different strokes for different folks.
PogoStick Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 Bang away! Don't concern yourself of social conventions. Afterall they brought about things like burning at the stake, slavery, and homophobia. Have fun and be safe. You don't have to answer to anyone. The only rules are the ones you give yourself.
johnpatric Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 Well actually your problem is you have pain in your stomach and you take medicine of headache.. so first of all you decide what you have to do and why you did that all stuff in past then you go on some conclusion what you have to actually do and what are you looking for..And yeah without sleeping with guys you can also find the Mr. right for you..
Ruby Slippers Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 I don't think random sex is a path that leads to Mr. Right. I'm living almost like a nun right now and it sucks. But it's 100 times better than resigning myself to meaningless sex and heightened risk of STDs. 7
topaMAXX Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 I don't think random sex is a path that leads to Mr. Right. I'm living almost like a nun right now and it sucks. But it's 100 times better than resigning myself to meaningless sex and heightened risk of STDs. This is true. As a guy that used to have casual sex very often (despite wanting relationships), I am 200% happier having absolutely nothing than casual sex. Also, I've become way more selective and way higher quality since I stopped doing this (since I've been using the time that I used to hook up to get in shape and work on my career).
Valen Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 This is true. As a guy that used to have casual sex very often (despite wanting relationships), I am 200% happier having absolutely nothing than casual sex. Really? I mean I believe you but why would hooking up make you less happy?
todreaminblue Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 Promiscuity as another poster said is normally hiding something else......you say you dont feel guilt then keeping it on the down low to protect yrou reputation wont be a problem for you...but it is isnt it......you do feel a certain amount of guilt or you would not care about your rep......my future reputation is immediately in question when i reveal my past .....which i feel is necessary i case i get outed anyway.......i wouldnt put a guy in that position of finding out that way and not from me before things got serious......so I take the risk of mr right being able to walk away early........because its the right thing for me to do......keeping things on the down low.......dont hold much stock to it.....everything that i wrong normally has a way of being righted....that isnt ours to control....theres a balance......i cant give numbers of past sexual partners and honestly i dont want to have to think of it..... What and why do you want your reputation to be thought of as good? so that more guys will sleep with you or so that one particular guy in your future would want to be with you, if you want more guys to sleep with you ....date players sounds like you are they really dotn care as long as you are available to them for booty calls.......and if you want to have a serious relationship with a guy who isnt a player who cares about you legitimately other than and as well as sexually, and because of that fact unfortunately cares how many guys you have slept with, i would suggest being promiscuous isnt the way to go and trying to hide it...probably worse....truth always finds a way to be revealed.....even when you would prefer it to remain on the lowdown....if you involve just one more person in a secret .....you have no control......thats where truth plays its hand....i wish you well.....deb 1
Imported Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 Behave the way you want to behave, just don't expect "Mr. Right" to accept your behavior if he doesn't behave that way as well. Me, personally, I juxtaposition how I would want "Ms. Right" to conduct herself and hold myself to the same morals and standards. 1
MissBee Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 (edited) If you need to ask others if it's wrong or keep it on the down low it suggests that you're not as comfortable with your choice as you're trying to make it appear. Well you pretty much said that the only reason you've resorted to promiscuity is because of being treated badly, looked ever and not finding Mr.Right...so yours is a reactionary kind of thing where you're not getting what you really want so said "F***k it!" essentially and have opted for this instead...which explains why you even care if it's wrong, as it's not something you genuinely would prefer to be doing. Some people are happily promiscuous and right where they want to be (I have two friends who are genuinely this way and are very happy and also feel no need to hide)...it doesn't seem like this is the case for you though. Edited May 17, 2014 by MissBee 3
Smilecharmer Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 I'm not sure what you are describing could be soldiered promiscuous ..it sounds like you are just dating a lot of people at one time and being honest with them about it. It doesn't sound like you are using people for sex.
ThatMan Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 Promiscuity is about frequent and casual sex, all without deceit and manipulation. I do not know why you believe people have to use others to be considered promiscuous. But I understand that a lot of people attach a very negative connotation with being sexually open. 1
BetrayedH Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 I see nothing wrong with promiscuity and I don't put much stock into societal norms that drive women to have low 'numbers' and to be sexually repressed. There's nothing wrong with women liking good (and sometimes raunchy) sex. Women are far too pressured to be the 'good girl' and all too often, the bad girl comes out much later (and with some guy other than her husband so she can keep the good girl image). In short, I don't believe in slut-shaming. However, I think it would be best if you avoid hurting other people (via lies) and, as others have said more eloquently than I, avoid hurting yourself if this isn't really what you want or expect for yourself. 2
oldshirt Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 no definitive answers for your questions but a few random thoughts - - in the old quantity vs quality debate - "Quantity has a Quality all it's own." - Joseph Stalin Of course he was talking about tanks and planes and soldiers but there is some truth to it. If you are lacking in a quality relationship, sometimes quantity can help fill a void better than none at all. ..and sometimes not. sometimes it's better to be completely free and untangled. read on - - my concern with what you described is that you are knowingly going out with people you know aren't serious relationship material. I'm all about going outside your box and giving a variety of people an honest chance. But I do have issue with knowingly spending time and energy on people you know are not a match. While you are burning up time with someone you know isn't a match, someone who is a match isn't getting the chance. bad ju-ju. - if you are 'sex-positive' person and enjoy a variety of experiences with a variety of people and are ok with it and don't have any issues or distress over it, then I see no harm. If you are going out with people of similar values and lifestyles and are of like minds, then the potential of hitting it off with someone special is definitely there. - however if you are indulging in this lifestyle and it goes against your own personal values and mores, then you are going to have problems with it. - likewise, if you believe deep down that your special someone is someone who is sexually conservative and has traditional values and mores etc, then you are just plain and simply shooting yourself in the foot. Like attracts like. If you are casual and a free spirit and a bit of playa', then you are going to attract people who are casual, free spirited playa's. You are not going to attract a conservative, traditional, church guy buy screwing a bunch of guys around town. - which leads to - it may not be fair or right, but people do judge. no matter how much someone says they are tolerant and nonjudgemental, you ARE judged by how many people you date and sleep with. It's instinctive, people can't help it. Every person has their own upper limit on what they think is an acceptable number of sex partners that a potential GF/BF has had before them. For some people that number is 0. for some it's 100. The problem is you don't know what your Mr Right's cutoff number is.....and for that matter he doesn't either. He just knows it when he's turned off and walks the other way. ......and the real problem is he will lie about it. Lets work the math. lets say that you've been with a hundred men. You will naturally reduce that number by the Law Of 3s which means you are prepared to admit to "around 30 or so" if you are ever asked and pressured for a number. (NEVER TALK NUMBERS BTW!!!!!! but that is a separate topic) then lets say you kind of subtley ask him what he thinks an acceptable number is for a woman he may be interested in. He will try to sound modern and tolerant and accepting and he will inflate his actual subconscious number and he'll say something like, "oh I dunno, I suppose 40 or 50 in a grown woman" But really his actual number is like ......5 on a subconscious level. So when you feel you are safe and you say that you been with "around 25 or so" he'll say, "Oh ok, yeah that's not bad at all.." but he won't be able to shake it and even though he'll try to be accepting, the damage will have already been done and he will begin to think less of you and lose respect for you and that will take it's toll over time. - whether we all want to believe it or accept it or not a woman's market value decreases with each guy she goes to bed with. it's not fair, it's not right but it is the reality. - with men, their value starts out low when they are virgins and goes up with each woman UP TO A POINT, and then their market value drops off precipituously after a certain number. That may seem like an unfair double standard for women but it's really not. take a few minutes and read all the broken hearted posts on these boards from guys who aren't taken seriously and are downtrodden because they are either adult virgins or low-count when their numbers are low. - Like I said, I have no real answers to your questions. What I would say is regardless of whether you lining guys up down the street or holding out for that one special someone, follow your own heart and your own values and your own moral compass and be yourself. Like does attract like. people are like water and seek their own level. If you are true to yourself, you will find someone who is attracted to your true self. If you try to be someone you are not in hopes of attracting someone, you will attract someone all right, but they will be attracted to the fake you. 1
stillafool Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 If you want to sleep with multiple partners with no commitment then do so. If you are only doing this because you can't find Mr. Right then you are setting yourself up to feel trashy and empty. If you are hurt because you cannot find a man who wants a relationship with you I think you should stop dating for a while, reinvent yourself by getting involved in other things than searching for a man.
xxoo Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 If you are not hurting yourself or others, it's fine. The problem is, sometimes we don't recognize how we are hurting ourselves until later. 1
topaMAXX Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 OP's behavior is disgusting and will not attract a quality mate, now or in the future. :sick: A woman opening her legs to multiple men is quite possibly one of most unattractive things she can do. Most men are not the "sensitive" types that appear on this forum. They will be inclined to agree with me. 1
carhill Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 Is it possible to be too promiscuous? In line with another member's posting about 'stranger sex', IMO, if one is wired for casual sex and derives positive feelings and memories from it, then it follows that such interactions can be or are healthy for that person, hence, for them, it's possible to be promiscuous and also be healthy. Personally, I would not be healthy being promiscuous because I'm not wired that way. If I was, sure! IME, since most of the ladies I've been in relationships with trended to the promiscuous, my mileage varied; some were healthier relationship partners than myself, meaning they had clearer, more mature and healthier viewpoints on relationships than I did, and some not so much. IMO, their apparent promiscuity differences were a minor factor, if one at all, in those relationships. TBH, they could just as easily remained silent, I would have never known, and life would have gone on as it was intended to. 1
Fluttershy Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 With multiple partners you raise the chances of stds even when using condoms. Therefore while not right or wrong it can have bad consequences. Be smart, lower your risk and get frequently tested.
bubbaganoosh Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 Look, your single and you don't owe anyone a explanation but with that said, you can still be choosey. Sorry to say that your at a disadvantage being female because there's that old stigma that if a guy beds a ton of women, he's a stud but a girl gets branded with a red A on her forehead if she sleeps around with too many guys so please be careful.
MissBee Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 If you are not hurting yourself or others, it's fine. The problem is, sometimes we don't recognize how we are hurting ourselves until later. These words are true... Which is why I like to pay attention to everything people say when they post, as many times they post saying how great something is/how they don't mind one thing but other parts of their posts contradict it and seem to reveal some form of conflict and dissatisfaction with the situation in question. When I see that (and often the very fact of being concerned enough to post) leads me to suggest they take a closer look at their real feelings, as people do lots of things that end up hurting them in the end, that if they had paid attention to their true feelings, they'd have realized maybe a certain choice wasn't what they really wanted/what was really beneficial to them. 1
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