TLC2005 Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 Do any of you find your MM to be highly possessive of you? I have not started a physical one with my MM yet....but he is showing a controlling side to him that I just don't understand. He goes home to his wife, yet throws jealous fits if he sees me talking to another guy, or if I make weekend plans with my friends. He has no right to even ask me what I do on my time is how I feel? Do any of you experience this??
Owl Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 Well, I'm not another OM/OW, but I can relate some of what happened during my wife's affair. In her case, the OM was getting jealous of her...not only related to me, but how she interacted with ANY other guys!! Honestly, it floored me when I read that in their chat logs. How could this guy accuse her of talking with other guys and flirting...given what all HE was doing with her (MY WIFE!!!)? Bottom line is this...if a guy "thinks" that you are "his"...he's likely to be jealous...totally regardless as to whether or not that makes any kind of logical sense.
newby Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 it was a little like this at first, before ANYTHING even started i was quite scared i think they get more jealous and possessive because they KNOW they dont have a right to expect loyalty from you
tiki Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 Yeah, I've seen it happen. They don't want you talking to anyone else, they want you all to themselves. But they can give all of *themselves*.
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 You haven't done anything 'yet'...So don't do anything. Remember this with your MM...It is always about him him and more him. Not you. His needs, his feelings, his desires, his availability to you, his convienance, his control, and again HIM. Not implying he doesn't have feelings for you, obviously he does. Just do some thinking if this is all worth it. Is he worth your heartache and your pain? Can you picture yourself being always second/third/fourth in his life?? Men get jealous just let women do. He actually really has no right to be jealous considering he's MARRIED and goes home to his WIFE everynight...It's his EGO and self centered this is all about me attitude that is hurt, not really his heart. I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh or belittle what goes on between you two, but reading so many posts/threads about all this makes me see what you're heading for!!
Merin Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 Exactly as Tiki said.. Regardless if someone is Married (and it's not to you) or not.. this type of behaviour is a HUGE RED FLAG. I was with a guy just like this.. he "seemed" to REALLY CARE about me.. played it off that he was just *concerned* for me.. truth is he didn't want me to have ANY friends (Male or Female) he would throw fits IF I made any plans to go out with friends and if I went out, he would blow my phone up all night making it impossible to have a good time out.. He would accuse, and question me constantly, and he often told me I *belonged* to him.. All I can tell you is this type of behaviour (in my experience) WILL NOT get better. End the thing you've got going on with this guy now for more reasons than one (he's married, and it's not to you) END this one also because he's got a lot of control issues that could become abusive.
Leaf Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 Thats kinda freaky. My MM has never done that .. in a year and a half.. not once.
Mr Spock Posted February 10, 2005 Posted February 10, 2005 Mine does, all the time. Constantly asks/accuses me. I think it's mental conditioning....so we feel grateful he's so attracted to us we accept any bullshi*t he tosses our way. Please don't boink this guy.
Zoot Posted February 10, 2005 Posted February 10, 2005 Originally posted by TLC2005 ...but he is showing a controlling side to him that I just don't understand. Why would this surprise you? The entire MM relationship is about control. He has it all and you have nothing. WHY? Not because you don't love him - but because he doesn't love you in the same way back. You are only part of an emotional harem. See it any differently and his ridiculous jealously is the least of your problems. PLEASE don't mistake it for love. It's only a very cruel delusion. I'm not passing judgement. I'm only telling you the truth - from experience.
joodee Posted February 10, 2005 Posted February 10, 2005 An MM getting jealouse! Yep, been there.... Mine won't do anything about his "separated" status, and is very jealous when I talk to other guys, have other male friends (and I have many due to the industry I work in). He's the really sick part: when I found out he had another girlfriend on the side, she e-mailed me and spilled the beans, and said that HE would get jealous whenever she talked or went out with other guys...he was jealous even though she knew about me.... I think MM's are very sick in the head...and they will do ANYTHING or say ANYTHING to keep you in so they don't have to deal with their insecurities. It's like they are painting a picture-perfect world for their ego and needs. I am once again starting NC with mine...I suggest you do the same, get out....save yourself all the time that will sucked into reassuring him and taking blame for stuff you are not even responsible for....
tlc2005 Posted February 11, 2005 Posted February 11, 2005 Ok, was wondering if this was a common trait. I have not started anything physical with him...with the exception of a few handshakes at work...But I think I will need to go back into the no-contact and try to limit any interaction with him.
nextel Posted February 13, 2005 Posted February 13, 2005 I guess MM control in different ways...... I know a girl that is dating a MM. Their agreement is that, while they are having sex: she is not to have sex with anyone else and he has told her that should there comes a time when she wants to have sex with other me, then she should let him know. So I said to her...but you can use condoms with other men. She said that, at the time she thought that it was fair. Naturally, I said to her....if he has sex with his wife (whether its once a week or month or whatever), what right does he have to ask you not to have sex with someone else? So with valentines day around the corner, I asked her what she is doing. According to her, she can date and he is ok with her dating. But she cannot have sex with anyone else other than him and if she does, she must let him know per their agreement. She mentioned that since they have been seeing each other for about a month or so...he has brought this "agreement" up at least 3 times. My question is this: Isnt this a way of controlling her? I think it is...but then again I dont know because she agreed to it. She does not forsee it as a problem right now but I think that at some point it might be.
lynnered Posted February 13, 2005 Posted February 13, 2005 My question is this: Isnt this a way of controlling her? I think it is...but then again I dont know because she agreed to it. She does not forsee it as a problem right now but I think that at some point it might be. it is but in that situation you're not thinking right sometimes when i was with mm (when A started)i was dating a guy in the military we were dating 3 months ,never had sex,well while he was away began A i knew mm as friends for 2 yrs prev,and figured i was in love with mm this was going to be a 1x thing &don't see or talk no more , WRONG anyway military guy, i didn't want to break up over phone mm knew about him,anyway he was coming home 4 months after A began ,i tell mm military guy is coming back ,i don't know what to do,and if i had to live this moment over ,i wish i did it different,basically he said he didnt want to be a part of that type of situation!! so i waited til military came back broke up with him ,i was like in my early 20s no excuse but i was native i believed my love for mm ,at that time i didn't know he loved me,things would work out he would leave ,4 years later alot of regret &some things with him i don't regret ,he was a good guy just in a bad situation at home (don't start nextel) but i learned &now i know what i want and what i don't want,what i will &what i wont tolerate . your friend will learn from her situation ,if she's smart &can use her head instead of heart &attachment issues ,she will tell him ,don't call me you have separation papers ,but from these posts you know thats not easy ,support her ,listen don't judge &remember not every situation is the same.
2Confuzed Posted February 13, 2005 Posted February 13, 2005 My MM and I argue about this issue a lot. I feel just like so many of you do. He is MARRIED and he surely has sex with HIS WIFE, so why can't I do what I want right? I have no commitment to him, mainly because he can't make one to me. We work together, so when ever he sees me talking to a guy, he won't say anything about it right away, he lets it eat at him until one day he brings it up out of nowhere and I'm like "what the f^#&?" Then we start arguing about it. Here's the best part: He doesn't want to tell me to wait for him because he would feel bad about me putting my life on hold for him. Soooo then.... why every time I am talking to someone else or my cell rings a couple times in front of him, he tries to say that I can't care for him as much as I say I do if I'm talking to other guys, but at the same time, he doesn't want to tell me to wait for him. What the hell is that? Can anyone explain this to me? I don't understand it myself.
SoleMate Posted February 13, 2005 Posted February 13, 2005 I read these posts and I just want to cry or scream!!!! MM/OW relationships are very hurtful and damaging to the OW in almost every case. (Sure, maybe in 0.3% of them there's a happy ending for the OW - it's the 99.7% reality that I am talking about.) I am convinced that they are by far the worst kind of relationships for a woman to get involved in, with the possible exception of being married to a physically abusive man (i.e. chokes and punches you). I didn't really realize just how hard the MM/OW deal was on women until I had been reading Loveshack for a while. Now it's become clear what you get, as an OW: * loneliness * deprivation * humiliation * lies * words of love from a man whose actions are ANYTHING but loving * control * jealousy * wasting your precious time and your precious life * hearing promises that are GUARANTEED never to come true * feeling trapped and unable to leave * losing the ability to manage your own life * losing respect for yourself * blaming and hating yourself for being so weak and so put down * putting your own life and heart (never mind the body) at the service of someone who is fundamentally all about using you * feeling deliriously happy for the little crumbs of love that he throws you whenever necessary * getting just enough from him to keep you on that big nasty HOOK Other than that, it's great!
Saucy Posted February 13, 2005 Posted February 13, 2005 Yeah, and if you get that as an OW, just imagine what the WIFE must feel like.
Owl Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 Originally posted by Saucy Yeah, and if you get that as an OW, just imagine what the WIFE must feel like. During the affair she/he doesn't feel nearly as much until AFTER the affair comes out. BECAUSE HE/SHE DOESN'T KNOW THAT IT'S GOING ON!!! Then after the affair is discovered, they feel quite a bit. -Pain -Humiliation -Shattered reality (what WAS real in my marriage???) -Total lack of self-worth -More pain -Distrust of ANYONE getting close again -Complete sense of betrayel...even worse if the OM/OW was a friend in any sense, because then you were betrayed by BOTH of them... -Have I mentioned total heart-rending pain? But during the affair, when the OW is feeling all of their pain caused by the WS's indecision? -Helplessness because they know something is wrong, but can't prove it. -Hopelessness, because how can it get better when I don't know what to fix? -Growing sense of a loss of control of their lives. -Desperation to figure out what the heck is going on. -Slight feelings of insanity, because they want to trust the person they love, but the mixed signals are so conflicting that they have no idea WHAT the truth is? (WS says all is good, nothing going on...heart and gut are screaming that there is SOMETHING wrong...)
izzybelle Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 hmmmmmm could have sworn the thread topic had something to do with an MM being possessive...so how did we end up talking about pain... and the pain of the BS? and solemate, yes, some of what you've listed are things that we get as OWs but there's so much more. i won't even try to put it into words for you because i don't feel like getting into an argument about it. perhaps we enter those situations blindly, stupidly, whatever, you pick the words ... and i know some think that OWs are low on the self esteem scale and perhaps some are, but so are some BSs and so are some WSs and so are some for every other group of people out there. and i could argue with many of the the statements you've listed about what we get out of it all, but i have things to do.... bottom line...yes, it ended badly, and yes, it hurt but the time i spent with him was probably more special than i can obviously articulate. whether it was a farse, whether i was naive, whatever .. it happened. NEVER before in my life had i felt that type of love from someone.
truth Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 I think people who get involved with married people need to learn how to keep their legs crossed! And those who do it more than once, I have absolutely no respect for whatsoever.
lynnered Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 Originally posted by truth I think people who get involved with married people need to learn how to keep their legs crossed! And those who do it more than once, I have absolutely no respect for whatsoever. this post is about MM being possessive, i don't remember anybody (caring or)asking if you respected them.
lynnered Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 Originally posted by 2Confuzed Here's the best part: He doesn't want to tell me to wait for him because he would feel bad about me putting my life on hold for him. Soooo then.... why every time I am talking to someone else or my cell rings a couple times in front of him, he tries to say that I can't care for him as much as I say I do if I'm talking to other guys, but at the same time, he doesn't want to tell me to wait for him. What the hell is that? Can anyone explain this to me? I don't understand it myself. mine xmm was like that ,when we first started,he acted like he wasn't ,i think &some might disagree,but from my experience i think he cares more then lets on &is torn so its coming out that way he says "He doesn't want to tell me to wait for him because he would feel bad about me putting my life on hold for him".but he wants you too maybe good maybe bad intentions, when i broke up with xmm one of the things he said was i cant tell you what to do but, i don't want you to see /date anyone else but if you sleep with someone else use protection(he plans on leaving couldn't give me a time frame so i broke it off ,i told him he can "come back"when i see separation papers) i personally feel if some is jealous they care ,cause if i don't care about you i don't care what you do!!
2Confuzed Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 So you feel that he is jealous mainly because he cares? That's a good possiblilty. It kinda makes me feel good when he says things sometimes because I do know he cares. But sometimes, it pisses me off because him and his lack of taking action is the reason it has come to this. In addition to that, I also feel that he feels frustrated and powerless. He knows that he can't tell me who I can see or who I can talk to. Quite frankly, he doesn't even really have a right to ask what I'm doing either. I can understand that he feels this way. If I put myself in his shoes, I can picture him being at home with the wife and kid going through the same routine (not that it's bad) and then knowing that I am out having fun doing whatever I please. I'm sure that can be tough. However, the fact remains, he is married and I am not and he is the only one who can change that.
lynnered Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 Originally posted by 2Confuzed If I put myself in his shoes, I can picture him being at home with the wife and kid going through the same routine (not that it's bad) and then knowing that I am out having fun doing whatever I please. I'm sure that can be tough. However, the fact remains, he is married and I am not and he is the only one who can change that. that was my feeling with my xmm,thats the main reason i broke it off ,even though i might hear some he's never going to leave i know he is one day he's&i know his home life is bad ,I've met his father his father said to me i hope he leaves and it works out with me&him & his father and him don't get along all the time ,but he told me some things about his situation , basically he didn't lie to me,he's just scared she told him she would screw him so bad for support& he'd never see his daughter,they fight all the time ,he even told me "he never had a girlfriend treat him so good ,we had great talks,great sex ,i miss him very much, but i felt if i kept giving him a good thing ,why would he leave he's having all his needs met?in the past I've broke up given in even though he's a great guy alway been honest,why leave he know I'm very understanding(i put up with this for 4 years). and ive told him the same thing you say he's the only one that can make a change,he told me one day hell make it all up to me, i hope so ,i hope your guy takes that step to make you happy ,its so hard when kids are involved,sorry to ramble valentines day got me kind of thinking of him more ,well i wish you &me luck & happiness wherever life decides to take us!!
BoatingBabe Posted February 16, 2005 Posted February 16, 2005 Men, married or not, are territorial...therefore; whether you are "legally" his or not, he is going to be possessive of you. Whether or not they have the right or not, is another story, but human nature makes them this way. When I get asked these questions, I simply either ignore them, change the question around on him, or give vague answers.
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