How do I get over OM?

[DKT3]

For men saying they forgive and want to move forward is a knee jerk reaction. It usually takes between 12-18 months before he leaves the relationship after infidelity. The mind movies are a hard thing for men to get past. Its something that will be with him 24/7 for a long time. He will run hot and cold, watch for indifference. Once he stops asking question or seeming uninterested he is gone. He will shut down on you emotionally.

 

How do you get over other man? Focus on your guy, his healing. Let him feel the effort your making to fix it. If you don't you'll be getting over both guys.

 

Please, please don't marry him. He may want to marry you sooner then later in a mark his territory type situation, it will end badly. Once he felt he won, its likely he won't want the prize.

[ThatMan]

Continuing with plans to become married is not how to get over an other man.

Edited May 19, 2014 by ThatMan

[Owl]

The approach I took was similar to Compulsive's where I would make a conscious effort to stop those thoughts when they came into my head (usually with an image of Bob Newhart in my head telling met to "stop it" thanks to a wise old bird ). But as others have said, if you are not married then why are you forcing the issue. Do you really want to stay with your fiancé? have you examined why you had an affair in the first place? And what has changed in your relationship with your fiancé as a result? Big questions but all relevant to your problem.

 

OMG...this made me laugh out loud for real, Anne!

 

I'd forgotten about that...but you have to admit...it's an effective technique!

 

And we've already agreed to disagree on the 'wise' portion of your statement!

[Clay]

Your clearly not ready for any kind of a serious relationship. Of course your not going to listen and your just going to hurt yourself and the man that your with.

 

Your fiance needs to to know the whole truth. Tell him every day you still love the OM and think about him. Do this until you are done. It will sink in his head everyday you tell him and he will know what to do.

 

 

Clay

[Lamron]

Ignore the naysayers.

 

Your fiancé is studying engineering - you didn't say as toward an undergraduate degree or an advanced degree. No bother. I did note that you are all in your mid to late twenties.

 

He is certainly a catch as concerns "husband material". You need to hold onto that.

 

You and your paramour's degrees in a "non-technical area" are a bit of a gamble. Keep that engineer in your life - for sure. A measure of security.

 

The only problem is that he likely has a great deal of burden/stress from his studies at the present time (in my estimation, engineering is the most intensive degree one might pursue) and as such wants to compartmentalize this trauma to make it though.

 

But it will come back. Might be five years from now. Might be ten years from now. Or fifteen. And then your actions, your thoughts, your daydreams and, specifically, your betrayal will eat him alive.

 

And then everyone will be screwed.

 

Oh well. That's some (seemingly distant) time down the line.

 

But, as would seem to be obvious, you need to simply look after your own self interests in the "near term".

 

Psssst...

Edited May 20, 2014 by Lamron

[Friskyone4u]

The big question is are you still in class or contact with. OM. If so, how can you even contemplate getting married when you are more than likely going to bang this other guy again if he starts to pursue you again. Your poor fiancé has no idea where your head is at because if you tell him he probably will call off the wedding.

What you are doing is despicable. You are not a terrible person, but your behavior is selfish. I pity your fiance

[Michelle ma Belle]

It sounds like you forced yourself to stay with your fiancé. You're not married and if you don't have kids why did you stay? Why suffer through rebuilding a relationship that you cheated on when the OM is so great? To me it sounds like you just felt sorry for your fiancé. A pity marriage will not turn out well.

 

Exactly this!

 

Best case scenario? You'll marry your fiance and cheat on him with your OM.

 

Worst case scenario? You'll marry your fiance and cheat on on him with your OM.

 

Sounds like a wonderfully happy life ahead of you

[compulsivedancer]

OP, I understand where the others are coming from, but isn't it amazing how unhelpful and off-topic they can be? The first thread is always the hardest.

 

On DDay, H and I had been together 8 years, married 6. We had no kids or property together. It would've been easy to split up. But we assessed our own relationship and decided to try R. It's been about 16 months since DDay and things do seem to be getting better. I have changed a lot, so has he, and our relationship has evolved for sure!

 

My early posts on LS are about me trying to figure out how to move on from OM. I love H very much and I know that he's a better man (though not, as some suggest, the slam-dunk financial choice). Wanting this marriage, including the third of our lives we've spent together, to continue, however, did not magically make all my thoughts and feelings for OM go away. We forged those feelings over a very intense period that was tied in strongly with my ego and need for validation.

 

What I'm trying to say is: if you love you fiancée and want to work it out, and he wants to too, keep moving forward. Figure out what commitment really looks like, work on your own sense of self-worth outside of what a man can give you, turn yourself into someone worthy of his love and continued commitment.

 

Yes, delay the wedding until you're fully reconciled. As for OM, keep to NC and remove all reminders of him. As long as you continue making progress, you'll have a chance. Good luck and don't let the others get you down.

 

Feel free to PM me when your account qualifies.

Edited May 20, 2014 by compulsivedancer

[Robert]

thread closed as thread starter is no longer posting, if they would like the thread re-opened then alert on my post and ask us to re-open it, thanks