How do I get over OM?

May 17, 2014

I've been browsing through here for awhile now. I don't want to get too into the details, but I had an EA that led to a PA for a total of 4 months. OM and I have an intense intellectual, emotional, and physical connection and we fell in love with each other. OM is single and wanted me to leave my fiancé for him, but I couldn't.

My fiancé discovered the affair, but decided to forgive me and reconcile. Frankly, he's treating me far better than I deserve. Things are almost back to normal - he's affectionate and loving again. We've been having sex and cuddling and doing all the things we used to do before.

I'm trying my hardest to focus all of my time, energy, and efforts into rebuilding my relationship with him. Yet I still have feelings for OM and miss him intensely. We're on NC, but I can't stop thinking about him and feel so incredibly guilty for it. How do I just get over him and focus my feelings on just my fiancé? For those who have been in a similar situation, how did you do it? Did you ever manage to forget OM/OW?

Thank you for all your suggestions and help.

May 17, 2014

I've been browsing through here for awhile now. I don't want to get too into the details, but I had an EA that led to a PA for a total of 4 months. OM and I have an intense intellectual, emotional, and physical connection and we fell in love with each other. OM is single and wanted me to leave my fiancé for him, but I couldn't.

My fiancé discovered the affair, but decided to forgive me and reconcile. Frankly, he's treating me far better than I deserve. Things are almost back to normal - he's affectionate and loving again. We've been having sex and cuddling and doing all the things we used to do before.

I'm trying my hardest to focus all of my time, energy, and efforts into rebuilding my relationship with him. Yet I still have feelings for OM and miss him intensely. We're on NC, but I can't stop thinking about him and feel so incredibly guilty for it. How do I just get over him and focus my feelings on just my fiancé? For those who have been in a similar situation, how did you do it? Did you ever manage to forget OM/OW?

Thank you for all your suggestions and help.

Time. I try to replace thoughts of him with reminders of why I love my H. This works for me much better than all the negative thoughts people have suggested to me.

For example, there is an amazing photo of H that a family member posted on FB. He is holding my new niece, and it's the best picture in the world. When I'm tempted to look at pictures of OM online, instead I go look at that photo of H and think about how much I want that to be our baby he's holding, etc.

When I think about missing OM, instead I think about how happy I am that H still wants to be with me, etc. When I've thought about how much it hurt not to see OM again, I remember the utter terror and loneliness I felt when H was trying to decide whether to kick me out. Etc.

I'm just reaching indifference. It's been about 16 months and it's a slow journey with ups and downs. Many WSs report that they got over their OM much faster because of the guilt and disgust they felt when they thought of him. I think both are normal. The important part is that you keep focusing on your H and maintain complete NC.

May 17, 2014

OM and I have an intense intellectual, emotional, and physical connection and we fell in love with each other. OM is single and wanted me to leave my fiancé for him.

I'm trying my hardest to focus all of my time, energy, and efforts into rebuilding my relationship with him. Yet I still have feelings for OM and miss him intensely. We're on NC, but I can't stop thinking about him and feel so incredibly guilty for it. How do I just get over him and focus my feelings on just my fiancé?

It sounds like you forced yourself to stay with your fiancé. You're not married and if you don't have kids why did you stay? Why suffer through rebuilding a relationship that you cheated on when the OM is so great? To me it sounds like you just felt sorry for your fiancé. A pity marriage will not turn out well.

Edited May 17, 2014 by Buckeye2

May 17, 2014

I've been browsing through here for awhile now. I don't want to get too into the details, but I had an EA that led to a PA for a total of 4 months. OM and I have an intense intellectual, emotional, and physical connection and we fell in love with each other. OM is single and wanted me to leave my fiancé for him, but I couldn't.

My fiancé discovered the affair, but decided to forgive me and reconcile. Frankly, he's treating me far better than I deserve. Things are almost back to normal - he's affectionate and loving again. We've been having sex and cuddling and doing all the things we used to do before.

I'm trying my hardest to focus all of my time, energy, and efforts into rebuilding my relationship with him. Yet I still have feelings for OM and miss him intensely. We're on NC, but I can't stop thinking about him and feel so incredibly guilty for it. How do I just get over him and focus my feelings on just my fiancé? For those who have been in a similar situation, how did you do it? Did you ever manage to forget OM/OW?

Thank you for all your suggestions and help.

Why couldn't you leave your fiancé. The way you describe the single Om, is perfect for you.

You're not married, only engaged. What are you afraid of.

May 17, 2014

Here is what I suggest. Sit down with your fiancé and explain to him why it is wrong that you stay with him. Make sure he knows that he is too good for you and would do much better with any other woman. If you have another friend or know of another woman that seems like she is nice, then introduce her to your fiancé. Set him free and wish him well. He does not deserve what you have done to him, nor do you deserve to be with him. Let's face it, he is out of your league.

May 17, 2014

The approach I took was similar to Compulsive's where I would make a conscious effort to stop those thoughts when they came into my head (usually with an image of Bob Newhart in my head telling met to "stop it" thanks to a wise old bird ). But as others have said, if you are not married then why are you forcing the issue. Do you really want to stay with your fiancé? have you examined why you had an affair in the first place? And what has changed in your relationship with your fiancé as a result? Big questions but all relevant to your problem.

May 17, 2014

My fiancé discovered the affair, but decided to forgive me and reconcile. Frankly, he's treating me far better than I deserve.

Why did he decide to do this?

May 17, 2014

The "connection" you describe doesn't seem to be one which was wiped away even after the affair was revealed.

It seems you stayed for the wrong reasons? Do your respective families/friends know what happened? My guess is no.

This coupled with your fiance doing everything in his power to keep you sweet has meant you have both tried to rugsweep.

What lead you to cheat. Why won't you do it again. If you were ready to engage in such an intense affair, why do you still want to get married.

Are you in IC? Probably not.

May 17, 2014

NC means more then not seeing the OM on dates. If you worked with the OM you must leave that job. Seeing him across the parking lot is not NC.

Checking the OM's FB page is not NC.

Keeping gifts and mementos from the OM is not NC.

Going to places where you an OM went is not NC.

Memories for the OM will fade with time and work.

May 17, 2014

If your perfect APIs single why do t you break up with your fiancé and go be with perfect man or is he single with a girlfriend that does not yet know about you.

The board here is full of women who are in your position because sex is more emotional for women and the feelings are harder to detach from. No one said it would be easy for you.

If you decide to stay with your fiancé, you need to understand he caught you once and you may think everything is getting back to normal but he will catch you again is u do not stay NC.

But why be miserable. There is no marriage to dissolve, no kids to worry about, and probably not a lot of property to divide. If you already cheated, it is not a good sign because as a married couple you WILL go through periods when your physical relationship or emotional relationship is strained. Your response as a fiancé to him is not a good omen unless u really know why you did it and take the steps not to do it again. You are probably a young person so if this start up was the result of a night out with girlfriends or yours, some who are NOT , engaged, you are going to meet more hot guys that will want in your pants, so you better figure it out.

If you share more about what happened maybe some can give more specific advice

May 17, 2014

I agree with the other posters that you are not married why continue with your fiancé? It is so hard to earn trust back after infidelity why start a marriage with this cheating lurking in the background. A couple of things that I'm thinking when I hear about an engaged person cheating is they are not reading for marriage yet or they have their issues to work through as a person.

Examine your reasoned for cheating. It has little to do with how great this person is you didn't know this until you tiptoed towards cheating. Also look at your fiancé as well. Why aren't you feeling as connected to him as you were this other person. That alone should tell you that this potential marriage is not for you. If you cheat at this point in the relationship you will or fiancé will consider the marriage a sham years down the road and one or both will stray in the coming years.

No disrespect by how would you stand up at state your vows in front of your friends and family without feeling like a hypocrit? I wish you well but think twice about getting married. Something is wrong or this would have never happened.

May 17, 2014

One more approach you could use is by letting your fiance knows about your struggle to get past the feeling for the OM. Don't struggle alone, let him knows, and let him helps. Right now it sounds like he is clueless about your emotions and turmoils even though he is in this reconciliation (oh how I really hope he knows the full story).

You are still in a young relationship, so why not lay the foundation now to nurture a complete openness between the two of you. This is really your chance to do so. It will helps both of you facing through any dilemma many years later.

Several posters here have managed to get over the A and the feelings for the OM/W with the help of their spouses, who consciously knows and aware of those feelings. And they reconciled, and truly rekindled.

Your fiance chosen to forgive, that is very strong and considerate, he loves you. You will eventually get past the OM, he's inconsiderate to pursue an engaged person (though you lowered yourself too for months).

Good luck and be patience in working through this.

May 17, 2014

Something is broken inside of you. You were engaged and chose to cheat. Why did you allow yourself to become close and fall for another man? These are questions you need to follow up on in counseling and 'fix' you. Understand why you did this, why you were willing to risk everything for some other guy.

You're extremely lucky that your fiancee forgave you and took you back. Many would walk away as they don't wanna start a marriage off with a cheating partner.

Why did you chose to stay and not walk away so you could be with your OM? Are your reasons valid and real or driven by fear of the unknown?

May 17, 2014

Marriage is hard! I know young engaged couples don't want to hear it, but it is HARD. Why do you think the divorce rate is 50%? Every newlywed believes that they will make it. They won't be one of those couples that get divorced (or have affairs).

Why start a marriage with the cards stacked against you? I'd say your chances for a divorce within 5 years is now closer to 75%.

What would be less heart-breaking? Calling it off now, or divorcing 5 years down the road?

Call off the wedding/engagement. At least postpone the wedding indefinitely. You two are in not a position of strength to take on a marriage. You are entering the marriage in a position of weakness. This is not a good idea. Love a lone will not guarantee a successful marriage.

Think about it. Are YOU ready to be MARRIED? The honest answer is NO.

May 17, 2014

How do I just get over him and focus my feelings on just my fiancé? For those who have been in a similar situation, how did you do it? Did you ever manage to forget OM/OW?

IMO, as a fMM, it's tough when there's unfinished business. That your fiance discovered and confronted, and you terminated this interaction with unfinished business, rather than the interaction proceeding or ending upon its own merits. You were, essentially, forced to choose and chose your fiance for whatever reasons were exigent at the time.

OTOH, in my case, I had an open affair and divorced my exW and concluded business with the affair partner and moved on in life. I came to accept her for who she was and without illusions or fantasies and could see why our interactions would not be healthy over time. Compared to past unfinished business with that person, which would haunt me for decades, finishing the business ended the emotional attachment in a clear and decided fashion.

Another aspect, and one I might suggest to you since you're engaged to be married, was, for us, MC. Professional counseling greatly assisted in separating out the marital and affair issues and working them and becoming efficient in the introspection process and accepting the results of that.

So, then, I suggest to you that PMC would be a good choice, should you still wish to continue with your fiance and marry him, and welcome to LS

May 17, 2014

Why don't you just do the right thing since you already did the wrong thing and just end it with him.

Yeah, he'll be hurt but the hurt he'll experience now wont compare to the hurt he'll have to endure a few years down the road when you can't be the honest faithful wife that her would expect from you.

Your actions by staying with him are selfish and pitiful so how about stepping up to the plate and give him the chance he deserves to find someone who can live up to the expectations that a good wife should have.

Do the guy a favor and give him a clean slate OK?

May 17, 2014

Thank you for your responses! Compulsive and Anne, your suggestions were really helpful.

To answer some of your questions:

I couldn't leave my fiancé because I still love him and can't see spending the rest of my life without him. He and I have an intellectual, emotional, and physical connection too, but it's not as strong as the one I felt with OM. I think this might be because we've been together for 7 years, so we're no longer in the initial euphoric stage of love. I was always very cautious because while OM may seem "perfect" now, he may not be a few years down the road. Deep down, I just feel that my fiancé is a better long-term match for me.

We're all in our late 20's. I met OM 9 months ago (August 2013) in class. We're in different but related non-technical PhD programs while my fiancé is studying engineering. The connection with OM was instantaneous and intense, even on the first day we met.

He actually asked me out the first day (he didn't see my ring), and I politely declined. And yes, he's 100% single and doesn't have a girlfriend who doesn't know about this. Even after he knew that I was engaged, he continued to pursue me because the connection was very strong for him as well. Since we took a class together in the fall 2013 semester and another one in spring 2014, I couldn't avoid him completely.

Fiancé and OM are similar in many ways: intelligent, caring, loving, good-looking, athletic, sweet, polite, gentlemanly, great cooks, etc. Yet my fiancé is very practical (which I love), but not romantic. OM is the opposite. OM and I also have common hobbies that my fiancé and I don't have. This has never been an issue between my fiancé and me, but it's certainly a contributing factor to the strong connection I feel with OM.

In winter 2013-2014, my fiancé and I were going through a rough patch. Essentially, I felt like he was not fulfilling my emotional needs. It's difficult when we're focused on school and careers, but I always make an effort to ask about his exams, interviews, important events, etc. Yet he often forgot about the important things in my life. For example, I had an important presentation at work that I was nervous about and had talked about for some time. After I finished the presentation, I received a text from OM asking how it went. When I got home and mentioned the presentation, my fiancé asked, "Oh, that was today?" which showed that he didn't even realize that I had it on that day even though I had told him about it. This was just one of many instances that made me feel unappreciated and unimportant. *Please note, I am NOT trying to justify infidelity; I'm looking back to understand why I did it.

At around this time, OM and I grew closer as friends. I ended up sharing the details of my life with him instead of my fiancé. Pretty soon, I couldn't stop talking to him and spending time with him. And that's how this whole thing got started.

I told my fiancé all of this on D-day. He decided to forgive me and stay because he still loves me, doesn't want to be with anyone else, and believes that we'll eventually get over this. I've apologized and thanked him so many times for giving me a second chance, but it just kills me that I still have feelings for OM.

May 17, 2014

Thank you for your responses! Compulsive and Anne, your suggestions were really helpful.

To answer some of your questions:

I couldn't leave my fiancé because I still love him and can't see spending the rest of my life without him. He and I have an intellectual, emotional, and physical connection too, but it's not as strong as the one I felt with OM. I think this might be because we've been together for 7 years, so we're no longer in the initial euphoric stage of love. I was always very cautious because while OM may seem "perfect" now, he may not be a few years down the road. Deep down, I just feel that my fiancé is a better long-term match for me.

We're all in our late 20's. I met OM 9 months ago (August 2013) in class. We're in different but related non-technical PhD programs while my fiancé is studying engineering. The connection with OM was instantaneous and intense, even on the first day we met.

He actually asked me out the first day (he didn't see my ring), and I politely declined. And yes, he's 100% single and doesn't have a girlfriend who doesn't know about this. Even after he knew that I was engaged, he continued to pursue me because the connection was very strong for him as well. Since we took a class together in the fall 2013 semester and another one in spring 2014, I couldn't avoid him completely.

Fiancé and OM are similar in many ways: intelligent, caring, loving, good-looking, athletic, sweet, polite, gentlemanly, great cooks, etc. Yet my fiancé is very practical (which I love), but not romantic. OM is the opposite. OM and I also have common hobbies that my fiancé and I don't have. This has never been an issue between my fiancé and me, but it's certainly a contributing factor to the strong connection I feel with OM.

In winter 2013-2014, my fiancé and I were going through a rough patch. Essentially, I felt like he was not fulfilling my emotional needs. It's difficult when we're focused on school and careers, but I always make an effort to ask about his exams, interviews, important events, etc. Yet he often forgot about the important things in my life. For example, I had an important presentation at work that I was nervous about and had talked about for some time. After I finished the presentation, I received a text from OM asking how it went. When I got home and mentioned the presentation, my fiancé asked, "Oh, that was today?" which showed that he didn't even realize that I had it on that day even though I had told him about it. This was just one of many instances that made me feel unappreciated and unimportant. *Please note, I am NOT trying to justify infidelity; I'm looking back to understand why I did it.

At around this time, OM and I grew closer as friends. I ended up sharing the details of my life with him instead of my fiancé. Pretty soon, I couldn't stop talking to him and spending time with him. And that's how this whole thing got started.

I told my fiancé all of this on D-day. He decided to forgive me and stay because he still loves me, doesn't want to be with anyone else, and believes that we'll eventually get over this. I've apologized and thanked him so many times for giving me a second chance, but it just kills me that I still have feelings for OM.

You're not ready to get married. Simple as that.

Why thank your finance for giving you a second chance if you're still lying to him. I doubt he'd be giving you a secind chance if he knew you can't stop thinking about the OM.

You have boundary issues, and lack respect for your fiancé. Love without respect is only a four letter.

Let him go...that's the best gift you can give your fiancé. He's young and seems like a catch. It wouldn't be too long before some smart and attractive woman will come along who he will also have an amazing connection with.

You really don't want him but you don't want anyone else to have him either.

Put on your big girl pants and do the right thing.

May 17, 2014

I've apologized and thanked him so many times for giving me a second chance, but it just kills me that I still have feelings for OM.

Engage your fiance to help you through this and encourage you to be transparent in the process. If you are to be married and a family, you necessarily have to learn to face life's challenges as a team. This is a life challenge. You had an affair and deceived your fiance. He discovered it and confronted you and chose to forgive you and work on the relationship. OK, do so. Your feelings for the OM, like feelings for anyone, are part of you, and you want to work through them and 'get over it'. Does your fiance join you in that goal? If yes, there ya go. Teamwork. You'll get there.

May 17, 2014

Please tell your fiance that you still love the OM.

Do not consider marrying your fiance and ruining his life because you love the OM.

It is horrible to be someone's backup plan. Set him free, because you still love the OM. Do not bring kids into the mix.

Tell your fiance that you want to have an open relationship. You want the OM and want him as your backup plan.

Tell him that you need to get closure with the OM. if it doesn't work, then you will see if your fiance is still around.

How would you feel if he had an affair? Would that send you running off to the OM?

Oh and by the way, if the OM did not care if you were engaged, he will not care about the next woman that he meets, even if he is in a relationship with you. If he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you.

It is too painful to make your fiance go thru life with the pain of your cheating. Kick him out of your life, he will be hurt but not as much as if you marry him and cheat again.

Too painful.

May 18, 2014

You got to remember that this relationship or phoney one you in with your fiance isn't all about you because that's how your coming off like me,me,me.

Bet you a bag of doughnuts that you don't walk on water either and have some doozey faults but the difference between you and your fiance is that he accepts the fact that you have faults and see's more good than bad which tells me he needs a seeing eye dog because by your thread, you have some real biggies and in most cases you would have been told to hit the bricks.

For Gods sake have a heart and be honest for a change and tell him so he can have the chance to evaluate if it's worth taking a chance and marrying someone who only is interested in her own personal gains.

May 18, 2014

I think CD gave you the best advice, along with being honest. Now that you have made this particular bad choice (as opposed to any other bad choice on the planet), you'll get a lot of this:

"Make sure he knows that he is too good for you and would do much better with any other woman"

My suggestion is to realize that those kinds of statements are not really about YOUR situation, and concentrate on making amends, being honest, and putting everything you have into the relationship.

May 18, 2014

Tell him where you are at. And post pone the wedding until you have your feelings sorted. Unfortunatly, getting over the AP doesn't always happen witha finger snap. It can be confusing and hard to move on. You are supposed to just turn of your emotions but that takes time. Don't think marriage will cement your feelings. It doesn't work that way.

May 19, 2014

It really doesn't sound like you're ready for marriage at all. You need to do some soul searching and maturing first.

May 19, 2014

It really doesn't sound like you're ready for marriage at all. You need to do some soul searching and maturing first.

I agree. Put everything on hold and figure out what it is you really want. It isn't fair to your fiancee to put in all this effort, try to salvage the relationship if you are still wanting and loving the exOM. Get counseling to help you figure it and most of all, be honest and up front with your fiancee, even if it hurts him, he needs to know where your head is at and how you feel. Better to hurt him by honesty and speaking from your heart.

Imagine marrying him and 6 months or a year later you are still not sure if you made the right decision.

This is about you and him, not your parents or his parents, friends etc. They are not the ones who will be living together being husband and wife so don't let outside influences sway you...Meaning, don't marry your fiancee out of pressure by others.

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How do I get over OM?

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