First relationship confusion

[BigWorldSmallWorld]

Hello all,

 

I never thought of posting my issues on a forum, but when I stumbled upon this thread and saw some thoughtful and wise responses to genuine problems, I felt more comfortable about opening up.

 

I'm 27 years old this year and I was in a relationship for 2+ years with a guy who was a friend since we were 10 years old. This may not sound like a long relationship to most people, but I practically lived with the person and we (our families included) spoke of plans for marriage. We seemed compatible in every way, but this isn't the forum for that so let me get to the point...

 

I had helped him in every way, shape and form up throughout our relationship, and vice versa. Recently he had been going through some MAJOR stress from his job, and everything around him seemed to fall to pieces. He lacked energy, could no longer workout, could no longer perform in anything (sports or other activities that shall not be mentioned here) and seemed on edge most of the time with everyone except me. We spoke about going to the doctor and even checking to see if he had Low-T or maybe it's the stress. He always said things would get better once he got out of his job. He started to pull away from everyone, even his family, but we obviously saw each other every day, spoke every morning, every evening and everyday during lunch when we were able to.

 

His family eventually said, "well, as long as he is with her, he is happy, we are happy. She is his rock and he will get through this". The "she" being me. So, his problems remained private until now.

 

7 days ago (Saturday) we celebrated our second anniversary in style. We went to a lovely dinner and spoke about deep happy moments and our future. It was a nice day and he said he was happy that we got to celebrate it in that way, hoping for many more anniversaries

 

That night I stopped by his parent's house because I had thought I left something there and found another woman in his bed. It was bizarre because his cousin let me into the house, knowing he was with someone intimately. As you can imagine, it didn't end well. I never screamed or protested, or even insulted anyone -- and as a trained martial artist I reserve physical fights for only self defense - so I never raised a finger on anyone and never would.

 

He didn't let me into the bedroom, but forcefully and quickly brought me outside. He asked me why I dropped by (but didn't explain the naked woman in his bed?). I persistently asked him if he just cheated on me, and he said that "I never cheated, I have been emotionally removed the relationship for some time" [bY THE WAY- THAT WAS NEWS TO ME!!!]. While I had a hard time accepting this, the more questions I asked, the worse it got. He began to get heated and flustered, eventually asking me to leave the house in a complete fury unlike anything I've ever seen before (and that's saying a lot, since I practically lived with him, I thought I'd seen his worst side before).

 

When I spoke to his closest brother about it (he practically raised him from infancy), they said that the behavior was unlike anything they had ever seen from him. He said this sounds like he has lost his mind and he may want to get him some mental help. Since the incident, he has refused to talk to them about the infidelity, the fight or anything in general and has closed himself away. At this point, he has not said a word to me in any fashion (phone, face-to-face, text, email, nothing) and we've been together, every single day, for the past 2 years.

 

Mind you, this guy is also INCREDIBLY stubborn (didn't say he was perfect, I'm not either). His brother spoke to me about all that has happened since his childhood, and considering his prior behavior, he will not reach out when he is wrong, and he will especially have a difficult time apologizing -- so he told me not to hold my breath even in the most difficult situations. Frankly, both families are at a COMPLETE loss for words and he is refusing to speak to anyone about that night.

 

My question on this forum is this: For all intensive purposes, I am considering this a break at minimum, and most likely end as a break up due to the circumstances and his inability to communicate. I have only had one partner my entire life (him) so I do not feel the need or rush to move on to other people, and would ideally like to work this out or come to some understanding why our relationship of 2 years imploded in a matter of 2 minutes. How do I work this out? Is it even possible to work out? How do I establish communication, whether it is to gain closure or just to figure out wtf happened that night?

 

One thing his family and my family agree upon is this: he owes me so much more than that, and he at least owes me a moment of closure, apology or explanation. Question to anyone who has experienced this: why would someone do this to a faithful partner whom he has never had a fight/discussion/altercation with previously? Sign of mental health issues?

[Mondmellonw]

Hello all,

 

I never thought of posting my issues on a forum, but when I stumbled upon this thread and saw some thoughtful and wise responses to genuine problems, I felt more comfortable about opening up.

 

I'm 27 years old this year and I was in a relationship for 2+ years with a guy who was a friend since we were 10 years old. This may not sound like a long relationship to most people, but I practically lived with the person and we (our families included) spoke of plans for marriage. We seemed compatible in every way, but this isn't the forum for that so let me get to the point...

 

I had helped him in every way, shape and form up throughout our relationship, and vice versa. Recently he had been going through some MAJOR stress from his job, and everything around him seemed to fall to pieces. He lacked energy, could no longer workout, could no longer perform in anything (sports or other activities that shall not be mentioned here) and seemed on edge most of the time with everyone except me. We spoke about going to the doctor and even checking to see if he had Low-T or maybe it's the stress. He always said things would get better once he got out of his job. He started to pull away from everyone, even his family, but we obviously saw each other every day, spoke every morning, every evening and everyday during lunch when we were able to.

 

His family eventually said, "well, as long as he is with her, he is happy, we are happy. She is his rock and he will get through this". The "she" being me. So, his problems remained private until now.

 

7 days ago (Saturday) we celebrated our second anniversary in style. We went to a lovely dinner and spoke about deep happy moments and our future. It was a nice day and he said he was happy that we got to celebrate it in that way, hoping for many more anniversaries

 

That night I stopped by his parent's house because I had thought I left something there and found another woman in his bed. It was bizarre because his cousin let me into the house, knowing he was with someone intimately. As you can imagine, it didn't end well. I never screamed or protested, or even insulted anyone -- and as a trained martial artist I reserve physical fights for only self defense - so I never raised a finger on anyone and never would.

 

He didn't let me into the bedroom, but forcefully and quickly brought me outside. He asked me why I dropped by (but didn't explain the naked woman in his bed?). I persistently asked him if he just cheated on me, and he said that "I never cheated, I have been emotionally removed the relationship for some time" [bY THE WAY- THAT WAS NEWS TO ME!!!]. While I had a hard time accepting this, the more questions I asked, the worse it got. He began to get heated and flustered, eventually asking me to leave the house in a complete fury unlike anything I've ever seen before (and that's saying a lot, since I practically lived with him, I thought I'd seen his worst side before).

 

When I spoke to his closest brother about it (he practically raised him from infancy), they said that the behavior was unlike anything they had ever seen from him. He said this sounds like he has lost his mind and he may want to get him some mental help. Since the incident, he has refused to talk to them about the infidelity, the fight or anything in general and has closed himself away. At this point, he has not said a word to me in any fashion (phone, face-to-face, text, email, nothing) and we've been together, every single day, for the past 2 years.

 

Mind you, this guy is also INCREDIBLY stubborn (didn't say he was perfect, I'm not either). His brother spoke to me about all that has happened since his childhood, and considering his prior behavior, he will not reach out when he is wrong, and he will especially have a difficult time apologizing -- so he told me not to hold my breath even in the most difficult situations. Frankly, both families are at a COMPLETE loss for words and he is refusing to speak to anyone about that night.

 

My question on this forum is this: For all intensive purposes, I am considering this a break at minimum, and most likely end as a break up due to the circumstances and his inability to communicate. I have only had one partner my entire life (him) so I do not feel the need or rush to move on to other people, and would ideally like to work this out or come to some understanding why our relationship of 2 years imploded in a matter of 2 minutes. How do I work this out? Is it even possible to work out? How do I establish communication, whether it is to gain closure or just to figure out wtf happened that night?

 

One thing his family and my family agree upon is this: he owes me so much more than that, and he at least owes me a moment of closure, apology or explanation. Question to anyone who has experienced this: why would someone do this to a faithful partner whom he has never had a fight/discussion/altercation with previously? Sign of mental health issues?

 

 

I am not sure of why would you want to keep on trying.

I mean, a naked woman?... "Emotionally removed"?

Yes, he sounds like he has some issues.

Maybe you didn't saw them before, but this doesn't sounds like he even contemplated that he was on a relationship with you, not even a second.

 

Like you already said: You have only had one partner in your entire life.

I personally think you should go away.

[BigWorldSmallWorld]

I am not sure of why would you want to keep on trying.

I mean, a naked woman?... "Emotionally removed"?

Yes, he sounds like he has some issues.

Maybe you didn't saw them before, but this doesn't sounds like he even contemplated that he was on a relationship with you, not even a second.

 

Like you already said: You have only had one partner in your entire life.

I personally think you should go away.

Hey Mondmellonw: Thanks for the reply. I may not keep trying with the relationship depending on how the discussion unfolds (hence why it may be a breakup rather than a break), but being my first relationship, I am unsure what went wrong. I guess you can call it closure? But if no family members or close friends see the signs, and he has never complained a day in his life about me to anyone, and we celebrated our anniversary and spoke of marriage that morning, it makes me think - what on earth happened??

 

I can see how many people on the forum may think I overlooked something, and I don't rule that out. But that's why, in light of the situation, both families called a family conference where we all got together in some form and spoke about it, with a greater concern with behavior none of us have ever seen before.

[todreaminblue]

sounds like he had mental issues coming on fro a while even though his ability to talk to you his life was beginning to shut down.......i got sick last year but it wasnt really sudden i cut off from family thats the first step, i stopped really talking to anyone....i just fronted with them, with what they wanted to hear and see..i used to come on here though..

 

 

i wont even hazard a guess to what mental illness your bf is suffering with, but he is......the only true solution bar family intervention which you seem to have roughly done is to seek professional guidance and for him to speak openly with a mental health case worker.....the fury is not good and could be potentially dangerous to others and himself........i wish you well.....be well, be safe get him to a professional consultation.....deb

[KaliLove]

Woah woah woah..you found a naked woman in his bed and you believe that he didn't cheat on you, AND you want him back???

[Mondmellonw]

OP, toadreaminblue is right.

He needs the help and care from his family and from professional people.

 

I don't think you should be involved right now, because this also affected you.

[BigWorldSmallWorld]

Woah woah woah..you found a naked woman in his bed and you believe that he didn't cheat on you, AND you want him back???

Hello KaliLove - Just to answer your question: No, I never said that I believe that he didn't cheat on me. I saw what I saw and I chose not to retaliate (it's real life, not an episode of a "reality" tv show or Jersey Shore. People get hurt and can get killed when tempers flare, so I walked away). I never said that I did or didn't want him back either (this is difficulty on me as well so forgive me if I am unsure what I truly want)

 

But if he is suffering from some issues, breaking up isn't as simple when you were setting up marriage. Marriage is a big deal, and no marriage lasts if every "problem" encountered is met with abandonment. We really don't know what is going on in his head, since he truly has never left my side before and his actions haven't reflected this (coworker have weighed in too, and are worried as well).

 

The bottom line is, I have to treat it maturely like it's a breakup, but because families are involved, I have to consider it a "break" for now. I was hoping maybe someone might have some insight into breakups occurring because of stress or other issues, especially those who have cheated or acted up/distanced themselves for reasons they would like to share.

[BigWorldSmallWorld]

Thank you all for your input! I understand it's definitely a strange way to approach a break up, and may seem more complicated to me than anyone else reading so I get if it doesn't resonate with anyone.

 

For some people, it IS that simple to just dump someone after having found them cheating (or about to cheat), but our families are very much interwoven. You are right todreaminblue and Mondmellonw, he might be suffering from something serious. I do wish he would talk to me, but I worry the nature of the circumstances really take the situation out of my hands. It might be best to stay away from him for now, but I don't know how long I should wait before personally establishing contact.

 

I don't know if he feels shame or something else. I've never cheated - or thought about it - but those that I've spoken to who have "messed up" (their words, not mine) in the past have had a myriad of reasons for it.

[Letmeknow]

Your man has lost interest in you and has become bored with how your relationship was going so he decided to find interest somewhere else. He found cheating on you to be exciting and he was/is curious what else is out there. Either that, or your man is just an ******* and you didn't even know it. How many relationships has he been in before? How many times has he had sex?

[BigWorldSmallWorld]

Your man has lost interest in you and has become bored with how your relationship was going so he decided to find interest somewhere else. He found cheating on you to be exciting and he was/is curious what else is out there. Either that, or your man is just an ******* and you didn't even know it. How many relationships has he been in before? How many times has he had sex?

Thanks for the input. Losing interest could have happened - absolutely. Cheating can definitely be considered exciting for some people. I doubt he could have been a terrible person though since we've been in contact since 10 (we went to school together, had all the same friends, we were friends and reconnected after he moved back from). He has had sex before, definitely - like most men in our circle of friends. However, I am his longest relationship (previously the longest one lasted a 1.5 years of on and off dating). The number of serious relationships could be considered 2-3, including mine. Dating happened often throughout college and solid girlfriends that met his family rarely happened at that time. He is no stranger to experience though if that is what you are wondering.

 

I have known most of his girlfriends or heard of the previous ones and they haven't ever said anything bad about him that I don't already know about (for example, the stubborn personality something we all agreed upon). But those are theories that I should consider.

[JustC]

Omg I want to THRASH this guy for you!!! Get yourself tested and move on. He isn't worth even considering taking back.

[BigWorldSmallWorld]

Omg I want to THRASH this guy for you!!! Get yourself tested and move on. He isn't worth even considering taking back.

 

Yeah, that was the first thing I started to set up when I found out this happened (STD test). When one partner isn't faithful (but the other is), spreading the disease is always possible. Thanks for the advice JustC. I wanted to thrash the heck out of him too, and to make it more complicated there may be something more going on here in terms of batshyt craziness

Edited May 17, 2014 by BigWorldSmallWorld

[JustC]

I know plenty of crazy people. It's one thing when the crazy translates into adapting a weird diet or being overly religious or being moody... But when "crazy" is a reason to cheat (and it's not) and then toss YOU out like you were the one doing something wrong, why would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that? We are all responsible for our own happiness. Loved ones support us, but the only people who can DO something is us. If he doesn't want to fix his issues and sleep around, that is completely his problem and you can't fix it for him. You simply can't.

Edited May 17, 2014 by JustC

[jbelle6]

I keep trying to tell people, when people say they are too "busy" or "stressed" and check out intimately, there IS SOMEONE ELSE. You don't even need a naked chick in bed to know that. When someone is into you they find the time. He obviously had time for someone.

 

Why analyze him? Why do we do that touchy feely garbage with EVERYTHING? We ALL have had crap happen at some point in our lives, it doesn't give us the license to be an a-hole to others. He wasn't behaving crazy because he's messed up or has issues, he went pissed off/nuts because cheaters HATE being caught. They have been found out, they are embarrassed and when confronted in front of the other women, they are at great risk of losing BOTH.

 

Sure, giving up isn't great for marriage, but know what else isn't? CHEATERS who can live a double life with zero conscience.

 

Get out while you are under thirty, seriously, one day you will see how lucky you were to find this out NOW and not while married with children.

[Downtown]

But those are theories that I should consider.

BWSW, while you are collecting theories, I suppose you may as well add bipolar disorder as a possibility. The typical onset for bipolar is age 15 to 30 (with the average age being 25) -- a range that seems to include your BF. Bipolar sufferers typically behave perfectly normally until the disorder (a chemical imbalance in their bodies) suddenly appears. The lifetime prevalence of BPD in the general population is estimated to be about 4%.

 

Bipolar-2 could explain his apparent symptoms of depression, wherein he's been having trouble dealing with his job and other stresses. Moreover, the mania phase could explain the naked woman in his bed. I therefore suggest you read about the warning signs for bipolar-2 (where the mania phase can be quite subtle). If those signs sound very familiar, it would be prudent for him to speak to a psychiatrist about that possibility. Another possibility (but much more rare) is a head concussion.

[Tiger Lily]

It's impossible to even guess if BF has a true mental health diagnosis, especially based on such limited information. Ultimately, I don't think it even matters if he has a diagnosis or not. He's free to act however he wants. And you're free to stay or go.

 

 

Personally, I attribute this to nothing more than a sinful nature. People, so often, put their own wants and needs above everything, and it seems like that's what your BF has done -- he's selfish. He may have had stress at work, but there's really no indication that he was "out of his mind", so much that he couldn't control himself. No, I don't think this infidelity is the result of any kind of mental health problem (not to say he doesn't have a mental health problem...I just don't think it's the cause of his cheating, and plus we really can't speculate).

 

 

OP, I would take a time out. You may want closure. But spend some time apart. I think you need some time to yourself, some time to step back and gain a better perspective on the situation.