Photofinish Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 (edited) Hello everyone I am a 21 year old virgin . I started dating my boyfriend and we are about to hit our 4 month mark . In highschool I was always told to wait until marriage to have sex and always followed this logic . I had a 2 year relationship that I did not have sex in. I did not really love the guy although he did love me . I am now dating my boyfriend and we have had bumps along the way. I've tried to tell him that I dont want sex but I believe I never flat out told him I wasnt going to have sex with him. I recently told him that I didnt want to have it until marriage and he got rather serious . We had a serious talk about it and I told him I wanted to wait until I was married . He said he didnt believe in that because it adds pressure to him. He is a 24 year old virgin and I am his first girlfriend. He said what if we arent sexually compatiable? It all hurt but I stayed firm . I asked him what he was going to do and he was silent for a while. He then responded saying that he would just deal with it, clearly unhappy. I asked him if he loved me less and he said he didnt but looked upset. I then panicked and told him that I would wait two years. I dont know why I did this and he was confused as well but accepted, again unhappy. The next day I had a conversation with my sister about this ,My rolemodel) and learned that she had sex outside marriage as well! I decided that maybe I can have sex on birth control and condoms. I told my boyfriend to forget what I had said and that I will do it when I am ready. Now it's been in my head all day. I'm really scared.. I dont want to lose my boyfriend because I love him so much and he is so supportive . He is my best friend and I've never felt like this towards anyone. I have OCD and anxiety issues . I'm scared of STDS and I am scared of getting knocked up.I panick about these things . I'm scared he will grow tired of me a dump me. I am scared that when I have sex with him it will be bad and he will dump me. I've felt terrible today in general and I am not looking forward to being sexually active. I'm scared . I do not know what to do. I feel like I will lose him if I do not have sex with him. I'm scared of being sexually active. Edited May 17, 2014 by Photofinish
Assasda Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 You really are OCD. Your guy seems reasonable. He accepted whatever trash you told him, and then you decide to just stop the marriage thing altogether because of your sister? Its like you dont have a brain of your own. Seems like your weird insecurities will drive him away anyway, so lets hope that your BF dodges the bullet that is you
Author Photofinish Posted May 17, 2014 Author Posted May 17, 2014 You really are OCD. Your guy seems reasonable. He accepted whatever trash you told him, and then you decide to just stop the marriage thing altogether because of your sister? Its like you dont have a brain of your own. Seems like your weird insecurities will drive him away anyway, so lets hope that your BF dodges the bullet that is you Hopefully not..
Dallers Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 Not sure why the above message was so abrupt. But from someone that suffers from OCD and anxiety it is clear that you are doing this to yourself and likely making yourself ill so you need to address this first before you address the situation with him. I have never really understood the whole not having sex before marriage unless it is a religious thing. Relationships are not about being sexual but they are because sexual attraction is what pulls you together and everyone wants to have sex. Your morals seem to be clashing with your fear of getting an STD or pregnant which is not the same and these can easily be prevented by using protection. Your sister is being a sister but her opinion is not your opinion and you may regret that if you continue to listen to her views over your own. By confirming that you would not marry him and then changing your mind the situation is now in a sorry state and it will always be focused around this point so you need to get in contact with him and address it and make your mind up. There is far too much option these days for guys and girls and for him to hang around waiting two years to have sex with a girl he wants to have sex with every single minute when he is around you (I am a guy this is normal) it will be very tough to make happen. It is not about what is right or wrong people just want to have sex, it is amazing and life is too short to not do something that is amazing. You need to make up your own mind and you might not hear what you want to hear on here but in any case learn from this.
ayala Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 (edited) If you think you're not ready, you're unsure, and you're scared then you're not ready to have sex. Just be patient. Wait awhile longer until you're positive you're ready. That's all you can do. Mature on your own time and be ready and comfortable on your own time. Don't let anyone pressure you just because they're unhappy or upset. You'll know when you're ready! Edited May 17, 2014 by ayala I have my reasons! 1
Author Photofinish Posted May 17, 2014 Author Posted May 17, 2014 Not sure why the above message was so abrupt. But from someone that suffers from OCD and anxiety it is clear that you are doing this to yourself and likely making yourself ill so you need to address this first before you address the situation with him. I have never really understood the whole not having sex before marriage unless it is a religious thing. Relationships are not about being sexual but they are because sexual attraction is what pulls you together and everyone wants to have sex. Your morals seem to be clashing with your fear of getting an STD or pregnant which is not the same and these can easily be prevented by using protection. Your sister is being a sister but her opinion is not your opinion and you may regret that if you continue to listen to her views over your own. By confirming that you would not marry him and then changing your mind the situation is now in a sorry state and it will always be focused around this point so you need to get in contact with him and address it and make your mind up. There is far too much option these days for guys and girls and for him to hang around waiting two years to have sex with a girl he wants to have sex with every single minute when he is around you (I am a guy this is normal) it will be very tough to make happen. It is not about what is right or wrong people just want to have sex, it is amazing and life is too short to not do something that is amazing. You need to make up your own mind and you might not hear what you want to hear on here but in any case learn from this. Things like this is why I feel so pressured. I understand you are probably right but then I also feel like I need to start asap. I dont think im worth waiting around for. He can find another girl to have sex with I suppose. It just makes me feel sad because I guess im not ready. He just continues to encourage me to go to therap. Im assuming to get over my fear of sex but I dont even know if I will ever feel good or right about it. I heard birth control lowers sex drive as well...itll take a while for me to start those (I heard its a month process) and seeing an OGYN is a very new thing for me as well. Also getting STD tests before we do anything. I just love him so much and I know the sacrafice I must make but I stuggle with it.
Author Photofinish Posted May 17, 2014 Author Posted May 17, 2014 If you think you're not ready, you're unsure, and you're scared then you're not ready to have sex. Just be patient. Wait awhile longer until you're positive you're ready. That's all you can do. Mature on your own time and be ready and comfortable on your own time. Don't let anyone pressure you just because they're unhappy or upset. You'll know when you're ready! He says it doesnt bother him we arent having sex right now and he isnt sexually fustrated but he cant say when he will feel like this and that in itself makes me feel pressured. He such a sweetheart and the things he does really makes me believe he is in love with me but how long will he wait?
BlueIris Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 OP, you get to live by your own beliefs and standards just as much as anyone else does. Don’t let someone insulting you or labeling you tear you down. When I read I your post, I saw you as having an old fashioned perspective on love and intimacy. The only problem with that- if it is a problem- is that people didn’t wait so long to get married in those days. Today people stay in romantic relationships for years before getting married, or they have a series of 3-12 month relationships without even considering marriage. It’s kind of interesting. So you have two competing standards. One prioritizes commitment first and one prioritizes getting to know someone first. In 1940, 50 or 60, if you were to tell your BF that you’re waiting for marriage, he’d be deciding whether to get a ring. But, I bet your BF isn’t even considering that possibility. So, you see, your BF is operating on certain assumptions too. Might be worth talking about with him.
Author Photofinish Posted May 17, 2014 Author Posted May 17, 2014 OP, you get to live by your own beliefs and standards just as much as anyone else does. Don’t let someone insulting you or labeling you tear you down. When I read I your post, I saw you as having an old fashioned perspective on love and intimacy. The only problem with that- if it is a problem- is that people didn’t wait so long to get married in those days. Today people stay in romantic relationships for years before getting married, or they have a series of 3-12 month relationships without even considering marriage. It’s kind of interesting. So you have two competing standards. One prioritizes commitment first and one prioritizes getting to know someone first. In 1940, 50 or 60, if you were to tell your BF that you’re waiting for marriage, he’d be deciding whether to get a ring. But, I bet your BF isn’t even considering that possibility. So, you see, your BF is operating on certain assumptions too. Might be worth talking about with him. What am I suppose to say? We had this conversation and he and I promised not to talk about it anymore and he will wait until im ready and not pressure me. The thing is that I always bring this up. I felt really sad about it and he picked up on it. He sat me down in his lap and made sure I told him what was up. Im his first girlfriend. Chances are we arent going to marry and itll end sooner without sex im sure.
stillafool Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 Sweetie there is nothing wrong with you feeling the way you do about your body and virginity. There is also nothing wrong with the way you bf feels as well. You both have good points. However, I must warn you that giving your bf your virginity is no guarantee that he will end up marrying you. You would be his first sexual partner and most of the time people your age break up and move on to other people. If you want to keep your virginity until marriage, do it.
Author Photofinish Posted May 17, 2014 Author Posted May 17, 2014 Sweetie there is nothing wrong with you feeling the way you do about your body and virginity. There is also nothing wrong with the way you bf feels as well. You both have good points. However, I must warn you that giving your bf your virginity is no guarantee that he will end up marrying you. You would be his first sexual partner and most of the time people your age break up and move on to other people. If you want to keep your virginity until marriage, do it. I understand this. Im not desperate for him to marry me but for me to at least keep him around. I feel like the first response may be right and I am scaring him away with all this.
BlueIris Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 What am I suppose to say? We had this conversation and he and I promised not to talk about it anymore and he will wait until im ready and not pressure me. The thing is that I always bring this up. I felt really sad about it and he picked up on it. He sat me down in his lap and made sure I told him what was up. Im his first girlfriend. Chances are we arent going to marry and itll end sooner without sex im sure. Hm, I shouldn't have said to talk about it. I take that back. The decision is yours to make- and for him, his to make. If you do not see him as a possible (?) or maybe likely (?) husband, I guess it's up to you whether you want a sexual relationship with him at all.
Author Photofinish Posted May 17, 2014 Author Posted May 17, 2014 Hm, I shouldn't have said to talk about it. I take that back. The decision is yours to make- and for him, his to make. If you do not see him as a possible (?) or maybe likely (?) husband, I guess it's up to you whether you want a sexual relationship with him at all. Thank you so much for your response, all of you. I guess I wont bring it up again . Ill stick to the light things we do now (touching , undressing, handjobs ) and see what happens. Its all I can do really.
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