HumiliatedGrapes Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 I'm not sure where to start with this.. I want to move forward from my break up and I've been taking steps to do that, but I still feel badly for the way I behaved sometimes and I think its preventing me from completely moving on. The break up was nearly 3 months ago now and its been 1 month NC, he broke up with me. To give a little background, we were in a LDR for almost 3 years, with a LOT of time spent away from eachother.. during the relationship, he would constantly break up with me and then beg for me back, for the first year everything would be fine for about 2/3 months an then he'd either disappear with no word or he'd verbally abuse me, become insanely paranoid and tell me I was a lying, manipulative whore and 'break up' with me, which would last for no longer than a week and he'd come back, then he'd break up with with me again so it became a cycle. I realise I shouldn't have put up with this behaviour, but I was naive.. he was my first boyfriend and he used his previous 'abusive' relationship and upbringing as an excuse for his actions. As time went on, the 'good' periods got shorter and shorter, it got to the point where the cycle would repeat its self every two weeks rather than every 2 months, but he'd always change it back two or three days later and convince me he was sorry. He had troubles with alcohol and keeping a job, in fact he had the same patterns with working as he did with our relationship, he'd get one. .then a week or two later give up. I often wonder if he has BPD or whether it was extreme commitment issues. Also I should mention that while we were together, he emotionally cheated with at least three different girls. Again, I can't believe that I stuck with him through that, but I did. He convinced me he was a victim, that he really loved me and his bad behaviour was out of fear, I thought that if I stuck by him then eventually he'd change. But he didn't, things only became worse.. his verbal abuse was disgusting, especially if he was drinking he would say the most awful things about me and would make treat me like a sex object. In fact one time I didn't feel like it, I was extremely tired so he dumped me right then and there claiming that I made him feel unwanted..only to apologise the next morning. We broke up at the end of February. At the beginning of this year I got a visa which allowed me to stay a year in his country (something I'd been working towards for the last two years) we were in one of our break up stages when I recieved the visa and I was pretty adamant that I wouldn't go back to him, but I still wanted to move over there (although not in his city). The thing is, I live in a small town which is quite poor and doesn't have a lot going on so it was a chance for a better life and I decided to still take it, regardless of whether or not I was with him. Not long before I was set to leave he came back on the scene and convinced me he'd changed, that he was no longer drinking and asked for me to come live with him. I was in love with him still, I really loved this guy more than anything.. but I think at this point I was so wore down by everything he'd put me through and had lost all my self respect that I was too exhausted to fight so I agreed. Of course, it didn't turn out the way he promised and after helping to spend all my savings I put together in order to live there (which I should have been more strict with, but he'd often make me feel guilty if I didn't pay for us to go eat out or go see a show or something), he coldly told me one morning that he didn't want this anymore and that I had to leave. He wouldn't even let me stay in the spare room while I got enough money from my new job to move out, he gave me a 24 hour time limit to get out and so I had to go home with the help of my parents. When I got home, it took him 2 days to decide he made a huge mistake. We spent a few more weeks with him emailing me, begging me to give him another chance and trying to persuade me that he was truly sorry. He gave a ton of new false promises. I did respond to him, but I didn't fall for it. I basically told him that I didn't believe a word he said anymore and that his apologies weren't good enough and that I didn't believe he felt any remorse. His last email to me was something along the lines of ' Don't make me feel guilty about anything unless you are guilty for what you've done to me and how you've destroyed my life' Anyway, to get to the point here! I'm sorry for such a huge back story, but I think it may be necessary. I'll admit that I had quite a lot of anxiety issues during our relationship and I did put a lot of pressure on him and depended on him at times.. which I do feel guilty for. But the thing I feel really guilty for, is that I swore at him quite a lot, I called him a dickhead quite a few times and I'm not usually the type to swear. When I think back to it I'm actually appalled by my language, although to be completely fair.. I'd swear at him in retaliation to his verbal abuse and the way he picked me up and dropped me every two minutes. I honestly felt so unstable while I was with him, not so much for the first 6 months but after that it was torture. He would make me feel so good one minute and then absolutely terrible the next and the thing is that the good parts.. they were so good that I would use them as excuses for his bad behaviour. Still, I don't think its ever really right to swear at someone.. I feel incredibly guilty for it and I keep wondering whether it makes me just as bad as him? I know I shouldn't, but I keep dwelling on this. I really have no desire to get in contact with him again. Believe me, I don't want to go back down that road again, but I feel like I should write him one quick email to say that I'm sorry. Would it be silly for me to do that? I don't want him to think I'm weak or that Im taking the blame, because he often told me it was my own fault for how he spoke to me and it was my fault that he was unfaithful and I don't want him to think I'm trying to get him back because I certainly am not. But I feel like a horrible person for the names I called him. My friends say that I'm being ridiculous and that he deserves a whole lot more than being called an arsehole, but I don't know.. I still feel bad. What do I do?
Author HumiliatedGrapes Posted May 16, 2014 Author Posted May 16, 2014 Actually, Im not sure its the swearing and name calling I feel awful about.. I think its more for how I became someone I wasn't. I became mean and angry when I was with him. I'm confused.
lop98 Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 You feel bad because it's not in your nature and in a way you know you did something low and out of character for you. I was in a relationship that was abusive and the breakup wasn't any better, like you I heard words come out of my mouth that were embarrassing and something that for a long time I wanted to take back. I apologized, and guess what, I continued to feel bad. My mistake was thinking the apology and forgiveness had to come from him... I only owed it to myself. It's been more than a year since that happened and I only found peace after apologizing and forgiving myself and knowing I need to learn from my mistakes and never allow myself to be in a relationship that makes me lose control of who I am and my values. It IS a long road, much longer and harder than saying I'm sorry to a guy that let's face it, does NOT need it, but it's so worth it. Good luck and stay strong! 1
Jiivy Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 Don't ever mistake holding up your personal integrity as an individual, as bad behaviour in a relationship. Let me tell you, the way you account your treatment is NOT ok. Your reaction in my eyes are more than acceptable and show that you retained some integrity. You have every right to be angry with the way you were treated. I admire your courage for being able to stick by someone who, by your account, sounds incredibly unstable. Your friends are your friends, I believe they're justified in what they're telling you - even if perhaps they're something of a biased party in the matter. I gave up my family, my short term persuits and pretty much re-ordered my life to make things work with my ex-fiancée. Over Valentine's day this year, she told me she didn't really think she loved me anymore. A few weeks later it emerged that she'd been meeting up with and started a relationship with someone else. 3 months on I'm still making excuses and feeling guilty for only NOW feeling angry about the situation. So believe me when I tell you that it takes time. You've every right to be angry, you can love someone who's a prick too, you know. So if it's anything - you have it here for a "neutral" third party. I think you should be gee darned pissed off. 1
harrybrown Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 please do not contact him. Move on, he treated you rotten, and you will be so much better with him out of your life. Keep him out and run far. 4
greenbee81 Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 I think maybe just a short apology even though he treated you bad, but go no contact afterwards.
Mondmellonw Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 Don't do anything. He will feel like you still care, and truth is, he doesn't deserves anything from you. Maybe he didn't even deserved those words, but meh. Let this one pass and let that person go, he didn't respected you and now you owe him NOTHING. Stay strong. 1
Author HumiliatedGrapes Posted May 17, 2014 Author Posted May 17, 2014 Thanks everyone. I know that I have a right to be angry at him and everything.. I mean the fact that he was unfaithful, that alone.. it makes sense for me to retaliate. I still feel bad though I just keep thinking how awful and completely crushed I felt whenever he called me names, it hurt me so much and its hurting even more to think that I possibly made him feel that way too, even if he was a bad boyfriend. Something odd happened though, well not odd.. but strange. Literally 2 minutes after i posted this, I got an email from him. When we last spoke I asked him if he wanted any of his belongings back because he's left a few things here like clothes and pictures of his family, now the clothes I don't mind donating but pictures are different.. thats something personal. Anyway, he ignored me when I asked, but in the email he just sent he was very breezy and polite telling me that he no longer needed his belongings. Then he says 'I hope you're ok.. Im sure you are' Why would he message me about that suddenly? Its been weeks since I mentioned his stuff and he's not acknowledging the NC between then and now do I say anything back to him?
Mondmellonw Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 Thanks everyone. I know that I have a right to be angry at him and everything.. I mean the fact that he was unfaithful, that alone.. it makes sense for me to retaliate. I still feel bad though I just keep thinking how awful and completely crushed I felt whenever he called me names, it hurt me so much and its hurting even more to think that I possibly made him feel that way too, even if he was a bad boyfriend. Something odd happened though, well not odd.. but strange. Literally 2 minutes after i posted this, I got an email from him. When we last spoke I asked him if he wanted any of his belongings back because he's left a few things here like clothes and pictures of his family, now the clothes I don't mind donating but pictures are different.. thats something personal. Anyway, he ignored me when I asked, but in the email he just sent he was very breezy and polite telling me that he no longer needed his belongings. Then he says 'I hope you're ok.. Im sure you are' Why would he message me about that suddenly? Its been weeks since I mentioned his stuff and he's not acknowledging the NC between then and now do I say anything back to him? Don't. If he is anything like my ex (who was an idiot, too... And you won't eventually feel bad about calling him an idiot, believe me. lol at first I felt bad about it too...) he might be trying to seem like a good guy, and to manipulate you. Just stay as far as you can. And if you can do this: block him from your email and everything else/any way he has to contact you.
Author HumiliatedGrapes Posted May 17, 2014 Author Posted May 17, 2014 Don't. he might be trying to seem like a good guy, and to manipulate you. Sounds about right. When we were together and he had one of his mean phases, he'd later play the victim, apologise and call himself a terrible boyfriend.. to which my heart would go to him (for some reason?) and I'd end up comforting him !?? even though he was the one in the wrong.
lil hoodlum Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 I think you should apologise, apologise for not kicking him to the curb sooner! 1
Author HumiliatedGrapes Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 I did it and now I feel so awful.. which is my own fault, but he kept messaging me everywhere (and yes, I should of blocked everything so he couldn't), he seemed so sad.. so I caved in and I wasn't mean or overly friendly, but I politely told him that I did not want to talk and I'd appreciate it if he could respect my feelings... he then carried on trying to make me feel guilty, playing the nice guy act and I got a little annoyed. Again I wasn't rude about it, but I told him that he cheated and he ended the relationship so he can't expect to waltz back in to my life like nothing has happened. So he turns again.. which I should have expected, tells me that I've confirmed his decision 'to not care about me or want to be with me anymore', he tells me that I have no desire to be happy and that if I wanted a relationship I needed to stop being scared and go for it, but now its too late and I've blown my chance. He again says that I'll forever be alone.. which seems to be his favourite line every time he tries to argue with me. I didn't' want to be with him again.. so that doesn't really bother me. But I just feel so awful now.. all my progress has gone, I'm back to feeling like Im worthless when I was starting to get my confidence back. And I guess Im upset that he still doesn't feel any remorse.. I still believed that he was a decent person deep down and that he might actually apologise to me one day. A real apology. But he still believes that its all my fault and that he didn't do anything wrong.. or at least, what he did do should be easily forgiven. Anyway.. he blocked me, which makes me feel even worse. I should be the one blocking him! And he still has it in his head that I want him and that he can call the shots, he even said to me 'maybe if you worked and put in some effort for us it wouldn't be this way' I'm the one who did EVERYTHING. He never put any effort in to make us work.. never. I'm sure everyone will let me know its my own fault for breaking NC and I agree.. but I still feel awful and I guess I just want to vent.
Zahara Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 OP, your self-esteem is in the tank. Wanting to apologize to a cheater? Now breaking NC and extending niceties to someone that treated you badly? And what is it you seek from a cheater to help validate you? Let this be a lesson. The next time you want to break NC, you remember this thread and smack yourself out of it. Painful lesson but maybe you needed it to finally wake up. This will soon pass. For now you will feel awful because he did a number on you again. But in a week or so, you'll move past this. 1
Author HumiliatedGrapes Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 OP, your self-esteem is in the tank. Wanting to apologize to a cheater? Now breaking NC and extending niceties to someone that treated you badly? And what is it you seek from a cheater to help validate you? Let this be a lesson. The next time you want to break NC, you remember this thread and smack yourself out of it. Painful lesson but maybe you needed it to finally wake up. This will soon pass. For now you will feel awful because he did a number on you again. But in a week or so, you'll move past this. Yeah I know, I shouldn't have. I'm not sure I want to be validated by him though.. like I said, I made real progress, I only answered because I felt sorry for him and I guess I still believe in him that he's human somewhere in there.. rather than some emotionless, narcissistic robot.
Zahara Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Yeah I know, I shouldn't have. I'm not sure I want to be validated by him though.. like I said, I made real progress, I only answered because I felt sorry for him and I guess I still believe in him that he's human somewhere in there.. rather than some emotionless, narcissistic robot. Then the onus is on you to figure out why you would feel sorry for a person that had no ability to prioritize your feelings versus you prioritizing his feelings at the expense of hurting yourself. Why? Because you need proof that he's a decent human being? Part of that is you needing that validation that him cheating wasn't a reflection on how he felt about you. If he is able to be decent to you then maybe he does care and maybe it wasn't all for naught. Block him from all forms of communication. Delete his number. 1
Author HumiliatedGrapes Posted June 3, 2014 Author Posted June 3, 2014 So.. I blocked him off everything, except for Facebook and the only reason being because he'd already blocked me, so I couldn't. I've been doing a little better lately and I was talking to a friend earlier today through Facebook chat, when suddenly a message comes through from him saying that I can call him tonight if I wanted to, he's 'not going to ask for me back or anything' but he'd like hearing from me. What?!!! Two weeks ago after I broke NC.. he was horrible to me, as I mentioned above. Why is he behaving like that? I do not understand him... does he conveniently forget everything he's done to hurt me or is he that arrogant and egotistical that he honestly thinks I'll rush to call him? What does he want from me? I don't know whether to be amused or angry.
Frank13 Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 So apparently he unblocked you from Facebook to send you that message. Now you can block him from Facebook and not respond. You should be very angry.
Author HumiliatedGrapes Posted June 3, 2014 Author Posted June 3, 2014 So apparently he unblocked you from Facebook to send you that message. Now you can block him from Facebook and not respond. You should be very angry. That's exactly what I did It still bugs me though, does he really think that little of me? that I'll still be there for his beck and call....
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