Need input - lost and confused (long, sorry)

[lostinlove2014]

So here's the deal. I have been seeing this guy for a little over 2 years now. Yea, I (we) f'd up. He claimed he and his wife were in the divorce process, and already were separated. Wrong. We were having an affair. Anyways, to sadly make a long story shorter, I for some reason completely fell for this guy. They ended up starting the divorce process anyways. Call me a home wrecker, whatever, but I was lied to from the start I guess. He was so loving, reassuring,* caring and would do anything for me. During the time we have been together my mom has been battling cancer. So he was going through divorce and my mom battling cancer. We mutually enjoyed our "relationship" and always agreed to be there for each other. We continued strong for a long time. Suddenly, communication from him lessened, he wanted to start hanging out less... etc. Supposedly he wanted to start dating other people again. He went on some dates, decided that wasnt what he wanted and came back to me. I will admit as soon as he started communicating less and started acting like he cared less about me then I started "acting up". I would get sad, insecure, angered and breakdowns. Even in front of him. Wondering/questioning if he still cared, loved me, was my friend.. etc. I know that was a big turn off for him. Anyways we'd cool down (hours) and take a breather and things would be great again. Wed be back to having sex, hanging out, cuddling, talking. Then I'd go home and not hear from him for days. Even if I texted him. He never answered texts, phone calls, emails.. etc. And this would happen all over again. To the point of me having "anger episodes" every time we would hangout because I so enjoyed our time together and we used to do every thing together, but constantly questioned if he really cared and wished he'd show it more again. I never let go because I thought he wouldnt really do such a thing to me and lose communication and stop talking to me. I couldn't imagine this really happening to me. I denied it and continued on with him. Back and forth like this. He'd promise to talk to me outside of seeing each other, promised to hangout with me, told me how hot I was and how great the sex was, we would make plans. Nothing he has said was true. He has constantly told me he does not want a relationship. I told him that is fine, but we never were truly bf/gf or a relationship anyways so why not continue what we have but COMMUNICATE more. I wanted more communication.* Anytime we'd have a problem or anything he'd always tell me to go home. Or wed cool down and have sex and get over it. Then I'd go home and not hear from him again for days. I was basically given the silent treatment. Last time we were together I had a meltdown. We cooled down for a bit, had great sex, then both had to head off for work. He hugged me before he left and said everything will be ok. We will hangout this weekend, I will call you after work, we will be fine. My mom's death is very imminent.* She is getting ready to move into hospice here shortly. He acknowledged that I am really going through a lot with losing my mom and it's hard to keep a straight head in right now sometimes. He apologized and promised he would be here for me. I felt good. We both headed off to work. Never heard from him again. I gave it a week and finally contacted him. He said he can't handle my outbursts,* that I needed to move on, that he has already moved on and has a date tonight and that he can't be here for me or see me right now. He did say that "only time will have answers". What is that supposed to mean? We have been through a lot together. But he decided about half way through all this that when a problem arose he didn't want to talk about it and just wanted me away. Then we'd hangout again, have good sex and and be happy for the time being but then it'd happen all over again I'd go home and be ignored for a week again and this has only been a circle of the same thing over and over. I have tried communication,* working things out so problems and resentment didn't build, but he never wanted to talk about problems or communicate.

I will admit I would blow up his phone at times and be angry because we would have great sex. I'd go home feeling well and then he wouldnt text, call or anything for days. So I'd text and text and text telling him how I wish things were better for us, how I wish we could work on things. He'd always respond with how there was nothing to work on. How we have tried working on things but it never works out. I have tried, he hasnt. Unfortunately it is only day 2 and I am so lost and sad and can't believe he already has a date tonight. Even though he constantly told me he didn't want a relationship.* That's why I thought we were happy. Neither of us wanted a relationship, or wanted anything serious. We enjoyed each others company and sex though. But now this has happened. Now he has dumped what we had. He never even tried to fix things because he never wanted to talk about things. It was always me that needed to change or me that was always at fault. I feel so sick because he always he told me he cared so much and would never go anywhere. I hate that he didn't even try. I'd feel so much better about the break up if he would of tried. Nothing was wrong other than the fact that we lost communication in our friendship. Otherwise everything else was great. I cared so much for him and always made it known. He recently started going to his ex's house to hangout with her and the kids. They do a lot of family stuff together which I think is great for the kids but has to be very confusing. He claimed he didn't have time for me anymore basically but is going on this date tonight. I'm so confused, sad and hurt. Really down on myself. I know he says he can't handle my questions and outbursts but they were only because he didn't make me feel truly wanted at times so I'd question it.

 

So what do you think? Sorry it was so long. Think he will come back again? What do I do? How do I get over the feeling of being dumped because only I tried and truly cared? I'M SO DOWN AND LOST. I need him right now with my mom's death so imminent. I can't believe he truly has a heart to leave me right now when I need him the most. I do know for a fact he was on meds for Bipolar disorder and I feel like he is a true Narc. But it's not helping me out.

 

Need some help :-(

Edited May 16, 2014 by lostinlove2014
title doesn't make sense

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, first and foremost, I am very sorry to hear about your mother. I simply cannot imagine the pain that causes, and you have my deepest sympathies. Try to stay strong for her; I am sure she will appreciate seeing you smile for her and sharing this time you have.

 

Now, as for this man...yikes. I think he never truly wanted a relationship with you. I know it sounds harsh, but I don't see anywhere in your post any clear signs that he wanted more than a physical relationship. He knew exactly what to tell you to keep you hooked so he could get intimate when he wanted. You don't need to communicate more with a person like that. What purpose would that serve?

 

He has tried making it clear that he doesn't see a future with you. Yes, it's crap of him to sweet-talk you to get some action, but you don't seem to be really listening to what he's saying. He isn't really even a friend, I would say. You appear to be in denial about your own feelings for him: it's clear that you want more than he could/would give. You don't need him right now; that will cause you a lot more heartache, I believe. He isn't into you the way you're into him. His bi-polar diagnosis has very little/nothing to do with it - he's just not that into you.

 

I know it hurts, but you need to start detaching asap. Don't call or text him. Lean on your friends and family to get through this difficult time. Isn't two years more than long enough to be chasing someone who just doesn't want it?

[milanlover]

You need to move on and find a man who treats you better and is truly into you! You don't deserve this on top of your family issue! Be strong!

[Hp1991]

Wow.. I'm sorry to point it out in third person , and i know it isnt something that you would want to hear after going through the hardships you are going through but this guy is a big flake.... BIG FLAKE

 

He lied about his wife and divorce, now says he's getting a divorce when we dont know if he is lying about that and just had a break from family and now getting back into their lives... he can have dates with others because he's using them aswell... its may just seem so hard to break out of this because you half feel that it is a relationship. He doesn't and thats why he's out there with others and his family. I don't think he ever wanted something serious , just quick grreat sex and the feeling of being wanted. He doesn't communicate because he doesn't need to or want to . What is the need to communicate in this fling? Sorry to put it like that but it sounds like one. I know you're more invested than him and that calling it a fling may just hurt your feelings but take a step back ... would you let this man do something like this to your friend while you watched? There are plenty of red flags... no communication, sex, no talking for days, silent treatment ( possibly becaue he has another girl to entertain him), no relationship, nothing serious, everything was what he wanted . It pretty much sounds like a FWB and then someones feelings got too involved and now it cant be a FWB because you might spill to his wife ( whom may not even know about a divorce) about your 2 years...

 

Please ignore him, do other things, DO NOT think of him and if he comes crawling back like he will do... tell him you started dating and there is an amazing guy that you met , hes single and is not married and lying. Hopefully he gets the point and backs off because he is one twisted character and is doing more harm than he thinks.

 

Sorry if im harsh , i really wish you the best in this situation, it is hard but you will get through this!

[jaycee1]

I don't really agree that he is a bad guy. From what I read in post, he has been very clear he does not want a relationship with you. You have agreed to that repeatedly but then expect him to behave like a boyfriend. I am not saying I agree to a FWB thing but if he was upfront which seems he has been then he is not a bad guy. I think you have an idea or hopeful thinking because you do like him what the "non-relationship" entailed.

 

This always was a FWB thing and he told you that, so the no talking abnd disappearing thing is natural. Move on meet someone new.

[clia]

His words and actions have been very clear -- he does not want a relationship with you. He has been very up front about that. He likes to hang out with you every now and then for sex and companionship, but nothing more. That is why you don't hear from him for days on end and why he is dating other women. When he is not with you, he is not thinking about you. You don't matter. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but it is true. You were nothing more than a booty call to him -- and IMO, he was up front about that. It was you who was trying to make things into more.

 

You can claim that you aren't looking for a relationship, but your actions (and hurt feelings) show otherwise. You have been desperately trying to get him to act like a boyfriend, when he does not want to be your boyfriend.

 

I'm very sorry you are hurting, but he is right to end things with you. You really need to move on and find a guy who does want a relationship with you.