Ordinaryday Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 I thought about it and I realised that if my ex just died or was dying I WOULD NOT FIND OUT. while we met at university we hung out in different crowds (well that is a lie, I was a bit of a loner and did not have many friends while she was very social) and did not have a single mutual friend between us. Yes, I met her friends but It was always only in passing and I did not have a chance to form an independent friendship with any of them, not one. so when we broke up there was none of that awkwardness I hear about of dealing with mutual friends cos there WERE NONE. I live on the complete opposite side of the city to her, never venture out where she lived and honestly, if she died tomorrow there is no mutual person in contact with us both who would inform me "hey, [ex's name] died last week. just thought you should know". I WOULD NEVER find out. In some ways I find this relieving (no awkward ties or elephants in the room when dealing with mutual friends) but in some ways I find this really sad... that even if she died I would never find out about it. all up, I prefer it this way because it made the breakup easier. in previous breaksups where we had 10 mutual friends, I would have them asking questions and hassling me and then the awkward moments of them trying not to mention her so she becomes this huge elephant in the room, the thing all of us think of but no one mentions... so do you HAVE ANY TIES, however small, to your ex? would you hear if they died? do you think it is better that way or not?
FortunateSon Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 I am sure at some point I would...not through her though 1
Author Ordinaryday Posted May 16, 2014 Author Posted May 16, 2014 I am sure at some point I would...not through her though true that ! My most recent breakup has been the easiest in some ways, the hardest in others. the easiest because as we have no mutual ties it was easier to try and forget about her. the hardest because since I know absolutely NOTHING about what she is doing now, NOTHING, when I do think about her my mind goes through all kinds of scenarios - she is happier without me, she never cared, etc. the girl before her, when we broke up we had TONS of mutual friends and even though I never broke NC I would occasionally here through a friend something like "she asked about you, wants to know how you are going" and "she is now doing this with her life" and even though I didn't break NC it was in a way nice to have a small connection to her, however small it was. but with this one it is NOTHING! in january by chance I saw her in the street in the city (I walked away quickly without saying hi) so I know she is still alive (as of january) but that is it
Mary Oak Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 It is odd the things that go through our head when we still want a connection to the one we love. My ex and I work together, so I would definitely know. But, I often think of her father, and how he is doing, and how his health is not good. THe only way I would find out is the condolense email sent throughout the company. It is so hard to wrap your mind around how someone could be your every breathe then to nothing. Not an acquaintance, just a memory... and as time goes on, even that goes away... I thought the other day, that no matter what big thing happened in my life, I would not reach out to her. Seems surreal. I don't have a big family, or a lot of close friends...but I still wouldn't reach out to her.... It will never make sense to me why someone is put in your life so valuable and loved, just to be taken away...
Wings Of Love Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 I'm sure I'd find out. My ex's brother is married to my brother-in-law's sister, so I know my brother-in-law and my older sister would find out. They wouldn't tell me outright, they're very wary of mentioning him to me. But my sister would tell my mum, who would break the news to me. It would hurt, but I think it's better to know these things.
STM206 Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 Yes there's a lot of mutual connections we had, someone would say something. 1
Virgin26 Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 we've got too many friends in common. I would definitely find out if something bad happened to him. I'm not sure how I'll react to the news though!
Elle1975 Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 Probably not, unless his best friend dropped by and told me. However, he's already dead to me. He walked away, so that's it, not like he's going to wake up and think "AH! I love this girl. What did I do??"
central Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 I'm sure our son would tell me. As for other, past significant gf's and such, I probably wouldn't hear anything, as there are no mutual connections that still exist. There's only one that I'd want to know about, though, as she was a great person. 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 My ex and I are still very much in each other's lives. Despite our unhappily-ever-after, we are the best of friends and co-parent our children. In addition to having many mutual friends, we also are still very close with each of our families. If he died (God forbid), I'd be one of the first to know and it would be devastating.
jbelle6 Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 The way I have it set I will not. No mutual friends and not in the same area and they are blocked anywhere online.
mammasita Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 I beg to differ. I had an ex that I cut out of my life because he was a narcissistic bastard, he passed in a motorcyle accident. I found out. Someone will usually let you know.
Always Pondering Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 No mutual friends but I do have mutual "acquaintances" and they do live somewhat in the same area as I do. I'd probably honestly won't know right away unless one of her friends thought it'd be important to let me know but I'd probably be told at some point later on.
FredJones80 Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 Its unlikely I would ever know unless someone tracked me down to tell me, I have zero connections now. Part of me imagines one day her child will track me down and tell me she died 8 years ago, or something to that effect. How sad.
stillfiguringitallou Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 I imagine since his mother has my contact information and considers me to be a "very kind and caring person" she would probably tell me. He still talks to a couple of my friends (not mutual - my friends for 6 + years that I introduced him to - cause he's a weirdo shadow stalker) So one way or another I imagine I would find out. Can't say the same for him. My friends - even the ones he talks to - all know I am an off limits topic. He is an ego runner - I don't want him knowing anything at all about my life except when we have plans and he trys to make plans I don't care if they are like "nah man we're going out with XYZ tonight maybe another time." But the "new guy" I'm friends with. My job limbo due to the emotional distress etc - they are not allowed to mention - even if he asks. Because it would just lead to more stress and drama.
awesome0 Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 This actually happened to me though I didn't have any ill feelings towards her. She was my high school gf died in a car wreck a few years ago. She lived in Seatle and I lived in New York. She grew up in the same neighborhood and took my virginity. It was sad to hear for sure, but I have great memories of her
Tayla Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 How strange that a circumstance similiar to this happened. Except- It was a guy friend I knew. He was like a younger brother. I helped him with his two children. he was a single dad after his wife up and ran out on her obligations. He came from a very faith based family so to have a female friend was odd to them. I got to know his sisters (who were kind and supportive). Long story short, we touched base on and off thru our five year friendship, when he needed a babysitter I was there. Besides his daughters needed female understanding. He was in a relationship with a gal and they would drop the girls off to do dinner and sometimes a weekend get away. About two months go by (which wasnt uncommon) that we hadnt talked, when my phone rang. It was his girlfriend. She blurts out that my friend had died in a motorcycle accident. I was literally devasted and numb, then came the real humdinger, She outright accused me of having a fling with her guy. I was beyond irrate yet all I could do was express my condolences to the family and ask her how the girls were. She didnt give one iota about those girls! All she damn well cared about was this supposed Fling . I finally told her she was dead wrong and I didnt appreciate her stye of breaking the news about my friends death. She told me to not bother coming to the funeral because it was two weeks prior! I hung up the phone ...to this day I miss my friend and his daughters. They didnt deserve this to happen at such young ages. And I sure as heck didnt deserve the way the phone call came about. He wasnt my ex so maybe this story doesnt apply directly. What it does do is this, becareful when being the bearer of sad news, the words you chose can have a lasting effect. I doubt I'll ever come to terms with how a human can be so down right insensitive and closed minded.
lamis Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 It depends on when it happened, obviously. My ex and I broke up a little over two months ago, so I think if she were to die any time in the next year maybe her family would probably tell me some how. I think eventually though, there comes a point when no one is really thinking about you anymore in regard to having a connection to that person.
Author Ordinaryday Posted May 17, 2014 Author Posted May 17, 2014 It depends on when it happened, obviously. My ex and I broke up a little over two months ago, so I think if she were to die any time in the next year maybe her family would probably tell me some how. I think eventually though, there comes a point when no one is really thinking about you anymore in regard to having a connection to that person. I made this post just because even though I know it is just how life goes, I find it so sad that you can go from being the most important person in someone's life to being NOTHING in their life, having NO CONNECTION AT ALL WHATSOEVER WITH THEM. so sad. at the time my ex dumped me she was having troubles at work and looking for a new job.... a few weeks after she dumped me I heard of a great vacancy for a well paid job which she was perfect for... I considered texting her about it and then realised it wasn't my job or role to support her anymore, that is for her new guy. so sad. 2
Natsume21 Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 Just saying. I don't really care if someone I don't know dies, though I'm saddened for the family and friend's loss. Technically, I don't know my ex anymore, so if she died, I wouldn't know, and it's best that I don't know. Saves me the trouble. "We're not friends, we're just strangers with a history."
Author Ordinaryday Posted May 17, 2014 Author Posted May 17, 2014 Just saying. I don't really care if someone I don't know dies, though I'm saddened for the family and friend's loss. Technically, I don't know my ex anymore, so if she died, I wouldn't know, and it's best that I don't know. Saves me the trouble. "We're not friends, we're just strangers with a history." I would be sad if one of my exes died. It would obviously mean it is completely over and she went to her grave having never spoken to me or made peace with me. that would make me sad.
Natsume21 Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 I would be sad if one of my exes died. It would obviously mean it is completely over and she went to her grave having never spoken to me or made peace with me. that would make me sad. May I ask why you want to make peace with your ex? The thing is, dumpees want to make peace...dumpers generally don't.
Author Ordinaryday Posted May 17, 2014 Author Posted May 17, 2014 May I ask why you want to make peace with your ex? The thing is, dumpees want to make peace...dumpers generally don't. Oh I HAVE NOTHING that I want to make peace with. I DONT feel bad about it. but I feel that THEY should text me and tell me "I am SO SORRY for how I treated you! I treated you like dirt, can we possibly get past this, I want you back!" then even if I ignore the text at least I will have the satisfaction of knowing I was right.
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