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Ever get embarrassed to be super vulnerable with someone you are dating? Is it bad?

tigerdog

By tigerdog
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tigerdog Member

tigerdog

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Okay so this guy I was dating, well we had this very intense conversation a couple of days ago. We had only been seeing each other for 7 weeks (although we had known each other for 4 months today) and during that conversation we both decided to take some space. Anyway, I'm okay with that but what was strange is after that conversation, he ended up crying on the phone with me for 2 solid hours. I mean it went from talking about childhood trauma, how he doesn't want to lose me, how hurt he feels about some things, etc. I mean I cried a bit, but he was practically weeping on the phone. It got to the point where I couldn't understand what he was saying and we had a very lengthy goodbye and then I wrote him this extremely corny email saying I'm always there for him if he needs it an hour later.

 

It was just very, very intense. And I honestly feel embarrassed about that vulnerability. I guess me and him had both been playing it cool with each other and then suddenly all these emotions came out from him about his past and how deeply he cares about me but can't date me, and then the crying for hours.

 

We might see each other at this event and I'm contemplating not going just because it's embarrassing that during our most vulnerable moment he had basically told me he needed space. I have no idea if he is going to go, but I moved to a new country and actually have made friends involved with it, and really need to spend time nurturing those friendships so I plan on attending. Has anyone experienced this before? I guess I never cry in front of guys unless we are in a relationship and an argument happens so this is new for me. Do people in general sometimes get this vulnerable and intense with someone they are just dating? Is it a bad thing when dating?

Candy_Pants Established Member

Candy_Pants

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It depends on the person.

 

For me, I think vulnerability is a beautiful thing. The honesty of it is refreshing in a world where many are coached to play it close to the vest.

 

Why are you embarrassed? Because he cried?

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tigerdog Member

tigerdog

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It depends on the person.

 

For me, I think vulnerability is a beautiful thing. The honesty of it is refreshing in a world where many are coached to play it close to the vest.

 

Why are you embarrassed? Because he cried?

 

I rarely cry in front of anyone. I was crying with him. And he's very emotionally distant. Hard to read type. That's why we are taking some space from his request. He can't figure out how he feels. Anyway, him weeping and being so emotionally expressive was shocking. I mean we had those lengthy goodbyes where he didn't even want to hang up. I guess I've just never been that transparent with someone after several months and I wasn't sure how to feel about it, since like you said, many tell us to act cool, hide emotions, etc. It just felt like the wrong thing to do when dating someone for just a couple of months.

Candy_Pants Established Member

Candy_Pants

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If you were uncomfortable that's fine. But it's not "wrong" to express emotion regardless of the time you've been dating.

 

I want to say that his actions and words conflict and maybe he's "testing" you in a way. Seeing if you'll give up so he doesn't have to risk being hurt.

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Conners Established Member

Conners

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This happens. I was afraid to show vulnerability and lots of emotion within the first 6 months of my relationship with my boyfriend, I kept up a wall so I wouldn't get hurt and I think he was doing the same thing. I didn't even say I love you for about 5 months.. one night I had been drinking and everything came out. I actually made him cry and then I cried.. and he told me he kind of liked me crying because it showed I actually cared? I have to admit I felt the same when he cried for the same reason.

 

Anyway.. don't be embarrassed.. it shows comfortability, you can't keep the wall up forever.

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todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

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Posted (edited)

i have guys admit things to me that they havent ever told anyone else.....and they cry and i dont have to be dating them for this to happen......so i dont find it unusual when a guy cries i find it touching, and i comfort them and i am honored that they have shared secrets and trusted me enough to do so....its quite bad just how many men have been abused and are told not to cry, suck it up you sissy, take it like a man you girl etc etc its quite common for men like this to be emotionally distant when as a child they are taught to suck it up

 

When i see a mans heart or hear a mans heart and see tears.....i cannot feel anything but the strength it takes to show tears to show heart....it takes a hell of a lot of strength against verbal and physical conditioning to not show that heart or tears......i was conditioned not to show emotion from abuse.......i got my head kicked in and went to wonderworld the next day.......breaking conditioning is a scary thing it goes against what is ingrained, hammered in by society and by men who have grown up having that stiff upper lip and stoicness in the face of everything exalted as the way to be a man...........and men more than anyone have been ingrained to be emotionally in control at all times.......men dont have it easy........they have a lot fo pressure to conform more so than women who are abel to express exactly hwo they feel and be told there there....a man ....gets ....come on man ......man up be a man...what is that exactly.......what about human.....

 

 

feel blessed he showed you his heart when he did....he honestly wanted to and needed too...that took the overpowering of years maybe of not speaking not crying not showing emotion to open up to you on that day on that phone call.....he needs space because now he doesnt feel comfortable with telling you .....maybe he could hear hesitation or the awkwardness you felt coming through in your voice which is normal to feel when a man breaks down, i feel a little awkward when i have a guy crying on my shoulder....but somehow i end up saying the right thing.....maybe because i say silently...... god help me get this right...... .....you wanted to say the right thing ...which you did............just let him know you are there for him and i wish you well.....deb

Edited by todreaminblue
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ja123 Established Member

ja123

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Posted

He probably feels more awkward than you do, so that's why he needs the space.

 

 

If you like him, then don't avoid going to the event so as you don't have to see him.

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tigerdog Member

tigerdog

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If you were uncomfortable that's fine. But it's not "wrong" to express emotion regardless of the time you've been dating.

 

I want to say that his actions and words conflict and maybe he's "testing" you in a way. Seeing if you'll give up so he doesn't have to risk being hurt.

 

I do get that vibe. He definitely mentioned during the last time how scared he was of getting hurt. He casually mentioned it a couple of times during non-emotional moments, so I didn't really think too much about it. His ex, who was a close friend to him before dating, cheated on him and broke up with him via text. Also some other things he's told me in the past, show there may be fears of abandonment and betrayal.

 

Anyway, we are taking space and slowing it down. I also made it clear to him, I'm happy just being his friend right now if things are too overwhelming. He means a lot to me and I'd rather slow things down to naturally build that trust than have either of us feeling pressured.

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tigerdog Member

tigerdog

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i have guys admit things to me that they havent ever told anyone else.....and they cry and i dont have to be dating them for this to happen......so i dont find it unusual when a guy cries i find it touching, and i comfort them and i am honored that they have shared secrets and trusted me enough to do so....its quite bad just how many men have been abused and are told not to cry, suck it up you sissy, take it like a man you girl etc etc its quite common for men like this to be emotionally distant when as a child they are taught to suck it up

 

When i see a mans heart or hear a mans heart and see tears.....i cannot feel anything but the strength it takes to show tears to show heart....it takes a hell of a lot of strength against verbal and physical conditioning to not show that heart or tears......i was conditioned not to show emotion from abuse.......i got my head kicked in and went to wonderworld the next day.......breaking conditioning is a scary thing it goes against what is ingrained, hammered in by society and by men who have grown up having that stiff upper lip and stoicness in the face of everything exalted as the way to be a man...........and men more than anyone have been ingrained to be emotionally in control at all times.......men dont have it easy........they have a lot fo pressure to conform more so than women who are abel to express exactly hwo they feel and be told there there....a man ....gets ....come on man ......man up be a man...what is that exactly.......what about human.....

 

 

feel blessed he showed you his heart when he did....he honestly wanted to and needed too...that took the overpowering of years maybe of not speaking not crying not showing emotion to open up to you on that day on that phone call.....he needs space because now he doesnt feel comfortable with telling you .....maybe he could hear hesitation or the awkwardness you felt coming through in your voice which is normal to feel when a man breaks down, i feel a little awkward when i have a guy crying on my shoulder....but somehow i end up saying the right thing.....maybe because i say silently...... god help me get this right...... .....you wanted to say the right thing ...which you did............just let him know you are there for him and i wish you well.....deb

 

Thanks Deb! This really helped put it in perspective for me and helps me feel less uncomfortable about the whole thing, since it was unusual. I don't think he asked for space because of that reason. His reasons for wanting space were not very clear and from the last few weeks, it's been obvious he's very confused with where he'd like things to go with me romantically and has some emotional concerns regarding trust. In other words, he may be emotionally unavailable right now and needs to get himself together first. I'm not about waiting for him, but he knows that I'm open to options with him whenever he's ready.

 

He had brought it up first, and then the 2 hour emotional outburst happened. After it happened he was stunned and shocked to see how much I genuinely care about him. If anything, after the emotional outburst, he pretty much begged me not to leave his life and gave me more compliments about how amazing I am. It's been several days since that incident so I'm hoping it'll be clearer later, and I'm still planning to go to the event.

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