Thinking of leaving

[Guinne]

Hi - I'm new here and wondered if anyone had any suggestions or advice.

 

I have been married for 18 months and have known my husband for 3 years. Since we have been married, he has become more and more verbally abusive, ie shouting and calling me names, insulting and threatening me. Not all the time, but at least once a month. Even so, it hangs over our relationship like a black cloud, because I don't know what type of mood he is in, or how he will react to things. If I make a mistake, I am nearly always told how stupid or pathetic I have been. He can be very nice at times too, which confuses me, like a Jeckyl and Hyde. He always says he is sorry for this behaviour, but what is the point, when he just repeats it?

 

I am now at the point where I think that leaving is the only answer, because I have tried to explain to him in many different ways that I don't like the way he acts. I have also tried setting up boundaries and saying 'don't talk to me like that' etc when he starts, or I walk away. I have asked him to get help, but he just says that he won't go. When he talks to me this way, I feel crushed and sometimes scared.

 

A few weeks ago, we nearly separated but he changed his mind and said he would never talk to me disrepsectfully again. I didn't really believe him, but decided to give him a chance. He had a few drinks last weekend and I had left the lights on in the car (by accident), which caused a flat battery. He insulted me, told me 'not to just f*** stand there and look stupid' but go and ring the breakdown service (which I was just about to anyway). He then went on a tirade and I got a lecture for an hour on how I don't look after things.

 

He does drink and this makes him worse, but he has also been nasty when sober too.

 

I would like to leave, but it also makes me very sad. If I did leave I would just have to pack up and go, because I would be too worried to tell him. He has threatened not to let me back in the house more than once when he has been angry and I am scared that he might flip out if I tell him I'm thinking of leaving. He has told me to 'get out' when he is mad.

 

If anyone can relate to this or has any advice, it would be appreciated.

 

Thanks

 

Guinne

[Devildog]

Got any brothers or male friends? Take them with you when you leave for your own safety. Yes, you should leave. Verbal abuse can develop into physical abuse and you don't want that to happen. Better to get out now than to wait for the physical beatings to start. Has he started to distance you from your friends and family already?

 

He refuses treatment. He is actually a textbook case of an abuser. Abuses you, shows regret, promises it won't happen again, then it happens again. And each time it probably gets a bit worse. Get out now. You didn't mention kids with him, so hopefully you can walk away and never have to deal with him again.

[JoL]

You poor thing.

 

About a month ago, I broke up with my abusive boyfriend of a year. It was one of the hardest things I had to do- I felt like at times i was being driven crazy- like I was doubting the true events of what was really happening half the time. I honestly felt like MY version of reality and his version of reality were two TOTALLY different things.

I was called a c!nt. bitch, whore, slut, he threatened me, screamed and raged and hit things in front of me..I honestly thought eventually he would turn on me.

 

Your husband sounds JUST like my ex..making me feel sad and angry at him..and then feeling almost guilty..because he would act so NICE some of the time. You need to leave- in fact I URGE you to leave. I know it will be hard. You will falter, it will hurt. Im not doubting that- but..oh the feeling of relief and FREEDOM once you do is so overwhelming..!! I honestly felt like I had regained my sanity for the first time in a year after leaving my ex.

 

You are not alone, I know a great community you can voice your concerns and get feedback almost 24-hrs a day!

http://drirene.com/catbox/index.php

if you follow the links to the main site there is WEALTH of info on verbal abuse as well..but it is a great forum with people who have lived through the exact same thing as you are..you won't be able to find a better place for comfort- trust me I know.

If you are interested in reading a small summary of my very first post on the Catbox and details on what lead to my break-up here is a direct link to it

http://www.drirene.com/catbox/index.php?showtopic=8465

Perhaps you can gain some strength in knowing you are NOT alone..only 3% of abusers actually change- through life-long healing and intensive years of therapy. For most, unfortunately (for us, the abused)..it is never to be the case.

 

Please, fell free to send me a private message if you wish to talk further about the abuse and also ways you can leave..It is an issue close to my heart, for obvious reasons.

[DinNJ]

suddenly the song... "These boots were made for walking" comes to mind.

 

You aren't happy. Period. Do yourself a favor, not him, and get out of it.

[nicki]

Go now while you have the strength, sweetie....

 

He will NEVER, EVER change. You, meanwhile, will become weaker and more insecure and it will become too hard to leave later. Then you will be trapped, maybe with kids, too...bad situation....

 

GO NOW. I know from experience. Don't waste another minute of your life with this loser. Minutes turn into years of tears.

 

It will be hard for a while, but let your friends and family be there for you, to be your voice of reason until you don't want him anymore....and you won't someday....then someone good will come along and you will thank the stars every night that you left...