LoveFloats Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 Does any one have any experience dating someone who has been divorced and has a child? I'm in this situation at the moment, and haven't met his daughter, but i'm so nervous about what's to come..how to handle an ex wife, etc. Since I don't have experience dating a single dad, I'm not sure what the boundaries are??
Mrin Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 (edited) I am a divorced dating dad so here is my advice. It probably only pertains to dads with kids still living at home. 1. Don't ask, expect, hope or insinuate that you will meet his kids any time soon. At least 6 months if not longer. Let him bring it up. If he wants you to meet them right away - that's a major red flag. 2. Know that you will always come after his kids from a priority standpoint. You need to not only be okay with this but advocate and support this pecking order. 3. Don't confuse his actions with or on behalf of his kids with his ex. For example, his ex flakes or needs him to take the kids and thus spoils a planned date with you - fine be angry at his ex but don't for a second lump his actions (canceling your date) as anything more than his dedication to his kids. 4. Don't try to be a parent or give parenting advice: basically unless you are a parent you really don't know what you're talking about. That doesn't mean you can't play an active role in this part of his life. But instead of dispensing advice right off the bar, try talking him through the situation. Instead of saying "you should..." try saying "when I was a kid I felt..." That will be warmly received and not viewed as a critique of his parenting skills by someone who doesn't have the standing to give such a critique. 5. Don't mess with him: be a straight shooter and play your hand cards up. Remember, if you throw him into an emotional tizzy, you're not just affecting him but probably how good of a dad he can be. Look, sometimes it is unavoidable but try to minimize the length and duration. Letting him "stew on it" might have greater repercussions on innocents than you realize. 6. Don't bash the ex: even if he does it. Don't go there. Nothing good can come of it 7. Don't come between him and his kids: you won't like the result. 8. Listen to him and ask questions: even though you might not have met or may never meet his kids, take an active interest in his parenting and them in general. Look, we are men so by nature we are bad at sharing our feelings. But you can tell a lot about a guy and where he is emotionally through how he interacts with his kids. If he has a short temper or is dictatorial with them - he will be so with you. If he is caring and loving with them, that's a pretty good indicator of how he will be with you. In some ways this is a huge leg up for you. You can get him to share so many of his innermost thoughts simply by listening to him talk about his kids. A good dad almost always equals a good man. The converse is more true: bad dad = bad man. 9. When you finally do meet the kids - feel your role out slowly. Be a friend to them. Never speak ill of the ex. And if you feel comfortable moving into the role of the step parent (assuming he wants you to) then do it. But don't assume you have to or have that right. Good luck to you! Edited May 16, 2014 by Mrin 7
Author LoveFloats Posted May 16, 2014 Author Posted May 16, 2014 Wow, I can't tell you how much I appreciate your advice! Esp coming from a single dad as well. I will definitely do my best to follow it
SadNLonley Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 Wow Mrin I completely agree with all that you said. Life in the dating world is not the same when kids are involved. Especially if both parties have kids. My suggestion is be patient and dont over worry if he doesnt introduce you when you think you should be introduced. He will do it at the right time he feels is right.
soccerrprp Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 Another word of advice coming from a single dad with kids (widower). Don't tolerate more than you are willing. Just b/c he has children and an ex, know what and how you want the relationship to go within reason. Single dads with children can be just as manipulative and douchey as any other guy dating.
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