my WH is back with OW

[HermioneG]

Be careful what you wish for. We spoke. I told him of my thoughts. I am correct, he has been in contact with OW, but they have not seen each other. He loves her, he however loves me too. What is that saying, if he truly loved me first, there wouldn't have been a second?

 

 

.

 

And for the record? That saying? Comes from broken people attempting to justify their actions.

 

His cheating, his star crossed bullcrap? This isn't about not loving you enough, or you. It is about his character, his issues, and where he has put his effort.

 

By remaining in contact with her, your marriage never stood a chance at recovery. He's had nothing change, and not even the threat of losing you.

 

He's had zero consequence for his horrific action, and has continued to treat you horribly, while he moons like a love struck teen.

 

Let him go. Let him go to her. Turn your only discussions to him to kids and finances. File for divorce. Don't give him any emotional kibbles. Let him go.

 

It will protect your soul. It will protect your life. And believe it or not, it will protect your kids. This unit talk? It doesn't help the kids. As they get older, the research shows even more harm is done by staying together for the kids.

 

 

This man is in no condition to be a spouse to you. Let him go pine after her. Let them be together.

 

I have a good insight into what will happen next if you truly do that, but you don't act because of that. You act to save yourself. The other things that will happen will just be dessert.

[2sunny]

If your husband was being honest - did he tell you he still desires his OW ? That you are his second choice? That he doesn't intend to stop communicating with his OW even though it hurts your feelings?

 

That's what his actions show...is that what his honest words said?

[beach]

Here's the problem - you thought you two were trying to R while all along he just kept attempting to be in communication with his OW.

 

Why are you ok with that?

 

His A hasn't ended.

 

He's fooled you once again - this time right in your face.

[notbroken]

The previous poster was 'dead on'. Been there, done that. Unrequited love will leave you as a shell of a person. You deserve more. Your kids deserve more. You are NOT doing them a favor by living in a broken marriage - and yours is broken. m

 

I wish the road ahead was easy. It's not. If you chose to divorce, life will be tough for a while and get better. If you chose to stay, life will be tough for a while and likely stay tough due to lingering questions, doubt, and a lack of true love. There will be an underlying question that your husband stayed for the wrong reasons - and so did you. Can you ever 100% trust him again? I doubt it. I couldn't - and it crushed me slowly but surely.

 

Good luck.

[BeholdtheMan]

So my gut is stirring. I haven't found concrete proof, so I have not contacted her BH, but I can tell you, that I feel "that feeling" that all BS's have felt when we just "know".

 

If you discover the worst...what will you do?

[longjourney]

You're in a tough spot. Your WH still loves the exMOW and is contact with her. Their physical A is over but it's still emotional as they are keeping in touch, getting their feelings fed. Your WH wants to stay married but not commit emotionally to you. His head and heart is with the exMOW. Sadly you can't compete with that! It's out of your hands. The only thing you can do is either walk away from your marriage, have joint custody of your kids and be great co parents to your children in 2 different households.

 

 

Hello everyone, thank you for your words of strength. I wanted to clarify to the best of my ability at the moment. Not much of my situation has changed since the original DDay.

 

 

I am in a current situation financially which is not good. I have health issues which are not going to get any better, only worse as time goes on. So aside from my heart and self esteem being broken to pieces, my body is physically deteriorating. SOOO not the catch for any single man out there. Baggage upon baggage. I would not be able to take care of myself and our child alone, I don't even know what would happen with my step child, and we have been a family FOREVER. So financially I am hoping to hold out until at least 10 years, to ensure a pension from my WH. I know that his financial status and our kids are the main anchor keeping him here. His heart is long gone obviously. Don't get me wrong, if we didn't have our child, I would have been gone since DDay, I fought for our child. I am terrified of making it by myself, I struggle to do daily chores, but I would have my family to lean on. That is a good thing.

 

 

I do not have a disillusion of staying together "just for the kids". We will not make it, this I finally am out of denial of. Yes it did indeed take a 2x4 to snap me out of that denial, but regardless here I sit.

 

 

So WH has still been saying that he wishes he did not feel this way. If he could wish his feelings away he would. He does not want to hurt me. He had offered to leave, get his own place and come help with the kids, but he too knows my difficulties. So no, that theory of telling him to have her and get out are not an option. He is willing to leave if I say the word. And let me clarify he is NOT saying that in a mean threatening way. He is trying to make my hurt less, and that I can say is true. He has not been callious toward me during this entire thing. He has tried to own up to his part. That is why when I asked him the other day, he was honest with me.

 

 

He at this point is willing to leave and fig out a separation agreement. He does not want to confuse the kids so he wants us to figure this out and make sure it is not a back and forth situation. For now he is sleeping downstairs. He doesn't have anything else to lose, which is why I think he is being so completely honest.

 

 

I know It has to end. I have seen too many stories here of BW's who stayed and lied to themselves AND were lied to by their WH's FOR YEARS and then got hit with the reality that the A went WAY UNDERGROUND. I am thankful I wised up sooner rather then later.

 

 

I know if he leaves, they WILL be together. This was not some little sex fling, though from all those texts/emails I read, their love life was amazing. This was a full on relationship. They shared caring words, notes, letters, talked about problems both of them where going through and talked them out. Just reliving all those words in my head kills me. I knew from day one that they would find a way to be together.

 

 

Her BH has called me too. He is figuring out a way to tie things up there neatly as well. The OW too has told him gently how she feels and that she is sorry. I have not told WH that I spoke to BH. At this point both M are up in the air. I know I will divorce my WH at some point, but legally/financially I have to be smart. I have since DDay kept the money we have saved under my name, he has no access to it. I get his paychecks, I deposit them and I pay the bills. He only has what ever money I give him. He has been okay with that, but if we separate, we have to come up with a new arrangement, but that is the least of my worries.

[beach]

I know for a fact that the kind of betrayal that you continue to live with and put up with can be the cause of physical pain.

 

This isn't a marriage - it's an arrangement.

 

Your kids see this as their example for what M looks like. Don't be surprised when they live the same scenario that you've both shown them.

 

They think this is what M looks like - and that's all they will choose - because you haven't shown that it's simply not enough.

 

You've short changed yourself on love...and a loving marriage.

 

Your H obviously knows what love looks like - he gets all his needs met through his OW.

 

You could divorce and have it stipulated that he pay your health ins and proper care moving forward.

 

You've settled - but don't be surprised when your kids settle too.

[BetrayedH]

"... if we separate, we have to come up with a new arrangement, but that is the least of my worries."

 

I think it should be the first of your worries. You must be kidding about the 10 years. There's no way that's going to work.

 

Talk to an attorney. Talk to them about your financial and health issues. Depending on where you live, you may well end up with alimony.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I agree - you need to get some legal advice and then start mapping out a plan. A 10 year plan will not be good for you or your children. You should not settle.

 

Listen my brother is tying to get out of a common law situation that has been mentally abusive and has taken a toll on his health. He finally snapped and he does have a plan but it is one year and she knows it. Most of that is for financial reasons as well. But the plan is in place and I know he is going to execute it.

 

Don't take 10 years to do this. You will be much better off with this behind you.

[Poppy's sister]

I am genuinely sorry for your pain.

And I am aware that as an ow on the opposite side of a similar situation you may not think I should offer advice

However I have tried in my own marriage to have an arrangement for the last 6 years

Living as Co parents. For sake of a good family unit. And finances.

My husband is homosexual and his decision to make our marriage an arrangement was unilateral with little discussion

 

I was ok... With it.. At least I thought I was

Then I met someone else who showed me what being someone's best friend and lover could be like

Trying to carry on the great family unit while wanting to be with someone else has all but destroyed me

My teenage daughter senses it. I just know

So now my ap and I have realised we cannot be apart, yet we cannot maintain the family unit at home.

 

You are setting yourself up to be even more miserable, your husband whatever is thought about him will be miserable.

His ow if she divorces will be miserable as she will want a life with him and so it goes on

 

Life is too short to spend years being that miserable

 

Honest you can build a new happy family unit

 

You cannot be a happy unit with one of you in love with someone else.

I have tried... So so hard.. It is soul destroying

[cocorico]

 

 

I am in a current situation financially which is not good. I have health issues which are not going to get any better, only worse as time goes on. So aside from my heart and self esteem being broken to pieces, my body is physically deteriorating. SOOO not the catch for any single man out there. Baggage upon baggage. I would not be able to take care of myself and our child alone, I don't even know what would happen with my step child, and we have been a family FOREVER. So financially I am hoping to hold out until at least 10 years, to ensure a pension from my WH. I know that his financial status and our kids are the main anchor keeping him here. His heart is long gone obviously. Don't get me wrong, if we didn't have our child, I would have been gone since DDay, I fought for our child. I am terrified of making it by myself, I struggle to do daily chores, but I would have my family to lean on. That is a good thing.

 

I fully get being trapped by finances, health issues, kids. But 10 years is a very long time. There is no reason you should not be entitled to that security for yourself and your child now, without the cost of your soul. Staying together will be far worse for your health - the levels of stress you are coping with can't be sustained indefinitely. You say your family are supporting you - can they help you financially to consult with a lawyer, t get some sound professional advice on how best to proceed? no one should ever be forced to stay in a R that is bad for them - and this M is not good for you.

[A.Moscote]

Hi longjourney. I'll just be straight to the point here, have you ever considered a polygamous marriage for your situation? I know it is very weird for most, but ideally there is still some benefit you can work out from it.

 

It can preserve the obligations your husband has on you, if not emotionally and sexually, at least in other aspect that you worry about such as finance, physical dependency, and parenting. Most importantly for me however is that it could help banish the lying and deception involved right now. It could be just temporary marriage until you find a better solution, just as you already planned for currently.

 

Of course, as in any other situation, there is always disadvantages and issues associated with it, I'm just suggesting an option. Since it sounds like you can still have a talk with your husband, so why not try to discuss this with him (if not about this, please keep on discussing about the situation). For me, it's a bit better than letting on this affair and deception going on for the next ten years.

 

Anyway, I hope you take care of yourself and health through out this trying time. Be strong and patience, and please believe that you still can be the best mother and woman in spite of the difficulties you have right now. Good luck.

 

P.s. Sorry if this suggestion offended anyone (I know it just really weird for some).

[Spark1111]

"... if we separate, we have to come up with a new arrangement, but that is the least of my worries."

 

I think it should be the first of your worries. You must be kidding about the 10 years. There's no way that's going to work.

 

Talk to an attorney. Talk to them about your financial and health issues. Depending on where you live, you may well end up with alimony.

 

You do not have to wait 10 years for a pension split. It is an issue you put into the divorce docs today, and in 10 years half becomes yours.

[jesienna31]

Don't sacrifice yourself for the sake of staying in marriage , for the kids. As other posts said above, you can still work well as a family unit even if living seperatly. He will always be a dad for them regardless of where he is. And I am confident once you show him you will no stay in relationship in which you feel disrespected, he will start respecting you back. Cause at the moment you have NO respect for yourself and you can't expect other people to do that for you first.

I truly believe that if you take time out away from him, even for few months, it will both give you time and space to think things through. I think this is what you need now. Kids one day will grow up and will be able to understand any situation that happened in the past between you both. If you stay in marriage for the sake of the kids, where do you see yourself in 20 years?

Show him what you will not accept- which is his disrespect towards you and your relationship that you both decided to have when you said "yes" years back.

If you meant to be together, you will, trust me, but sometimes distance and space will be able to put things into much clearer perspective and emotional ease.

[BetrayedH]

You do not have to wait 10 years for a pension split. It is an issue you put into the divorce docs today, and in 10 years half becomes yours.

 

Very true. My exwife wife and I both have entitlement to half of the other's pension when they come due (for the period of time when we were married). Of course, you'll have a larger half coming the longer you wait to separate/divorce but that seems a rather unsavory way to make money.

[jesienna31]

I would say... stop finding excuses for yourself to stay married and be unhappy... You have to take your life in your hands and not act or feel like you are a victim here of your circumstances. Start creating rules for yourself of what you will and will not accept. Once you start respecting yourself, things will start falling into place.