my WH is back with OW

[longjourney]

I haven't posted in a while, I was just reading every day. Even though I was CAUTIOUS my WH and I were attempting to R. To be honest, that "gut" feeling that I had last time I wrote about being scared somewhat dissipated. However I have been vigilant in monitoring the OW's social media. She is still by the looks of it still M'd. I have contacted her BH a few times to get his opinion and he told me once that it was too hard for him to keep in contact with me, when in reality I was just using him as someone to commiserate with. He asked me to try and stop contacting him, but if I has CONCRETE evidence of something still going on, then I should reach out to him right away and he would do the same.

 

 

So yes she is still "with him" but lately I have seen a shift in her "tone" on FB. Nothing blunt, but the same types of things that made me think something was going on DURING their LTA. So my gut is stirring. I haven't found concrete proof, so I have not contacted her BH, but I can tell you, that I feel "that feeling" that all BS's have felt when we just "know".

 

 

I have to get the kids squared away. I will try and log back on later.

[Ladydrib]

I haven't posted in a while, I was just reading every day. Even though I was CAUTIOUS my WH and I were attempting to R. To be honest, that "gut" feeling that I had last time I wrote about being scared somewhat dissipated. However I have been vigilant in monitoring the OW's social media. She is still by the looks of it still M'd. I have contacted her BH a few times to get his opinion and he told me once that it was too hard for him to keep in contact with me, when in reality I was just using him as someone to commiserate with. He asked me to try and stop contacting him, but if I has CONCRETE evidence of something still going on, then I should reach out to him right away and he would do the same.

 

 

So yes she is still "with him" but lately I have seen a shift in her "tone" on FB. Nothing blunt, but the same types of things that made me think something was going on DURING their LTA. So my gut is stirring. I haven't found concrete proof, so I have not contacted her BH, but I can tell you, that I feel "that feeling" that all BS's have felt when we just "know".

 

 

I have to get the kids squared away. I will try and log back on later.

 

I think you are right to respect the husband's wishes and leave him alone. Let's say your gut is no longer accurate because your mind has been messed with so much and they are in fact working things out. Each time you have a trigger, if you contact him, it will hurt him, which is not fair to him. Also, you may damage their ability to reconcile and if they break up she and your husband may end up in an affair again.

 

Besides all that, the BH is right. You can't go on gut anymore. You need facts. So if all you have is your gut, what do you do? Seek facts to confirm or deny your gut. Some ideas... Get a PI. Put a tracking device on your husband's car. Put a recorder in it. Put a key logger on his phone and/or computer. You must get the facts. Otherwise you might be causing everyone trouble for nothing when you could be happily reconciling.

 

If you don't want to reconcile, leave him. That's what I would do!

[harrybrown]

Sometimes it is just too much.

 

Maybe better to send him down the road. If you can't trust, and who wants to babysit them all the time, then time to tell him to get out.

[uneek74]

Get a PI. Put a tracking device on your husband's car. Put a recorder in it. Put a key logger on his phone and/or computer. You must get the facts.(Lady) to poster.

 

This sounds like desperation to me, if a BS has to do all of this to prove infidelity. This is when you need to cut your losses, and move on. You have to really look at yourself and ask why would you be doing this. Especially, to continue to report to the woman's husband. He did the right thing in asking you to not contact him. Sometimes your intuition is correct, but sometimes it can be clouded by past experiences and faulty.

Edited May 17, 2014 by uneek74

[beach]

It's not your responsibility to monitor others and then tell. Her husband is perfectly capable of paying attention himself - or not. He may be choosing denial.

 

If your gut is kicking you - what do you plan to do about it?

 

What severe consequences has your cheating husband experienced? It may be time to take care of you now - without him in your life.

[uneek74]

Sometimes it can be hard to earn back trust, but some relationships can be worth it. Especially if you have a family and kids, yeah..it is definitely not desperate to try to keep your family together.

 

 

At what cost though? Children sense when there is something not right with the parents. They know even though they may never say anything. If you are going through that much turmoil and spending a lot of time trying to catch someone doing something, clearly you haven't given your full attention to the family. I don't think I would go to that much extreme to catch him, then decide oh! he's remorseful and try to work things out. He will never do this again. I just wouldn't have the energy. I would have to really love his dirty drawers, to start over. This is just me, not what others should or would do.

[beach]

After reading your back story - I think you deserve to live again.

 

Your H hasn't earned trust and hasn't honored you.

 

I'd divorce him - like now.

 

You can learn to be happy on your own! I did. It's very freeing to live without the betrayal at every turn.

 

Expose him as he is - the cheater! Expose to all. It is who he is - very purposeful in giving his love to another woman throughout your entire M. That's just a crappy man.

[longjourney]

Expose him as he is - the cheater! Expose to all. It is who he is - very purposeful in giving his love to another woman throughout your entire M. That's just a crappy man.

 

 

This is EXACTLY where my thoughts have been for quite some time. But then you would say "then why are you still here?" The reply is simple, my kids. I have felt from day one that I owe it to them to try and save our M, actually to save our FAMILY.

 

 

I look back over my entire M history, and I do know that he was with her the ENTIRE time. Then I take myself out of that knowledge and look at our lives in an overview, with that part of info removed. We worked well as a "family unit". If I didn't know what I know now, I would think we were a good family. Yes I do see all those distant moments he had from me, NOT our FAMILY, and I realize that those moments are what brought about my gut feeling about a year and a half before DDAY and even though he told me I was crazy, I eventually wound up with our first DDay. I hated that even more then the DDay, because I KNEW he was in love with and having sex with her, I knew the day would come, but the fact that he kept twisting my gut instincts on myself to tell me I am crazy, that upsets me even more then DDay. I actually started believing that maybe I was CRAZY.

 

 

Yes, I do feel him distant at times still now, and that triggers me BIG TIME. I add that to that gut feeling due to the OW's social posts and it is enough to make me vomit. She posted something the other day about "good morning texts" and being texted "beautiful". Those are things I know my WH did for her almost everyday (when he was at work anyway). Is this a concrete fact? No, obviously not, but I can't shake it. I have looked for another phone again, but I am not stupid, my WH is not stupid, he would have taken this WAY WAY underground. He would leave that phone at his job, that's what he did originally when they first had their second phones and they were still in the midst of the A. I didn't find his second 2nd phone until after DDay because he was desperate to be in contact with her when ever he could. He could not get through the weekend not knowing if she "needed him". These are the words/explanations he gave me himself. Us BS's want the truth, but boy does it ever kick you in the gut. We can't be mad at our WH's when they give us the truth we have been telling them we want all along.

 

 

Yes he tells me he loves me, he tells me he is sorry and he wants to make us work, but there is just that part...that part that feels "off".

 

 

I do not have the money for a PI, I don't even have the money for a voice recorder at the moment. That is why I keep close tabs on the OW. I have not reached out to her BH, and I do understand his words to me and I am sorry I have upset him, but rest assured, he will be the first person I call when I have concrete proof. I don't need to drag him down with me when I am not even sure.

[Popsicle]

You should leave your husband.

[cozycottagelg]

You should leave your husband.

 

This. Or you should stop looking at her social media so you can focus on your family.

 

It is no way to live wondering if she is giving him an opportunity. Because you know he is going to take it.

 

There are so many good guys out there...you don't need this.

[cocorico]

LJ to me it seems you have a choice.

 

You can focus on keeping your family together for your kids. You have, you say, worked well as a family unit. If this is what you want, then focus on that. Ignore the indiscretions, the texts, the OW. She will be part of the price you pay for keeping the family together, and so you will simply have to stop caring about it / her and focus only on the positives: the family unit that works so well, your kids, the future you are providing for them. When they are old enough, you can review what you want from your life and go after your own happiness.

 

Or you can focus on the R you deserve. It's evident from his history that this guy is not going to be the one to give you a loving, respectful R free from worry or doubt. If you are not prepared to love with the shadow of his A and his OW forever falling over your M, you need to walk away. There is no reason you can't still be a really good parenting team apart, as you were together, but you will need to give up the dream of the exclusive family unit you'd hoped you had, and work on being a team of a more dispersed kind. Play to his strengths as a parent rather than his weakness as a H.

 

Of course you want both - you want to be a family unit, and you want a loving, respectful, exclusive R with him. But he's shown you repeatedly that that's not possible. So you need to decide which matters more - loving someone you can trust and being loved and respected in return, or staying together as a tight family unit for the kids?

[longjourney]

Be careful what you wish for. We spoke. I told him of my thoughts. I am correct, he has been in contact with OW, but they have not seen each other. He loves her, he however loves me too. What is that saying, if he truly loved me first, there wouldn't have been a second?

 

 

They have spoken, not daily or even weekly, but they do "catch up" with each other. At first they were NC, but then he ran in to her at a store. She tried to avoid him, but couldn't get herself to walk away. He said it felt as if he had been gasping to catch his breath and she put air in his lungs. She also confided in him that she thought of him often and missed him desperately too. So yes, my gut was correct. She wants to make her "family" work, as so does my WH, but that feeling they have for each other is something neither one can see them living without. Now we are not talking about "still in the fog" feelings. There has been more then enough time for this to go away, if it weren't "real".

 

 

My WH admits that it was easy for him to go NC and try with me when OW (with the knowledge of her BH) sent WH and myself the NC letter. My WH figured it was over and he wouldn't be the one to reach out to her because he loved her too much and if this is what she wanted, then he would respect it. But now, since she has shared her true feelings with him, he cannot stay away. Once he knew she missed him, it put the wind in his sails. If I wouldn't be the BW here I would honestly feel this is a "meant to be couple".

 

 

So yes I did finally reach out to her BH, and inform him. She had already told him that NC had been broken, and according to him/the OW it has been 3 times since I found the 2nd phone in his closet. Her BH feels like a fool again and is crushed.

 

 

I knew she had the flutters in her stomach again by her social media posts. Never under estimate a woman scorned. I will trust my gut every single time for the rest of my life. I am just amazed my BH was honest with me about it. He did not have to be.

 

 

Now the kicker, my WH wants to continue with our family. As a "unit" as some of you have suggested. I feel like I did on DDay all over again, I don't know which side is up. It is different this time though, because this time I KNEW that he loved her. He wasn't parading it around me, he was trying to hold me close and be there for me, he was sincere in that aspect, but that love he had for her he couldn't shake. I think I knew it before he did.

 

 

So here I sit, looking to figure out a road map for the rest of my life, or at least until my kids are grown.

 

 

Give me strength.

[Spark1111]

I cannot believe you are even considering this.

 

To live as a unit for the sake of your children while he pines away for another is one slow, true death of the soul. YOURS.

 

We will always desire that which we cannot have. Unrequieted love is intermittent reward, so as long as she stays married, he too will die a slow death of his soul: Always wanting what he can never have as long as she stays married.

 

How could you possibly think this is in the best interests of your children, yourself or your H?

 

Break free. Be good parents to your kids and live an authentic, honest life that may find true love and companionship and happiness.

 

What, oh what, does longjourney want?

[underwater2010]

OH MY GOD....my biggest fear!!! I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

Here is my plan should it ever happen:

We would live as a "unit" until money was freed up enough to get separate housing within the same area. I never want my kids to feel far from either one of us and I don't feel it is fair to uproot their lives more than necessary. Then divorce and focusing on my children.

I refuse to be a roommate for longer than necessary!!! I/You deserve to find happiness and love again...just as he has.

 

Hang in there!!! Big HUGS!!!

[BetrayedH]

If you're staying until the children are grown, I think you're making a mistake. The data strongly indicates that younger children adapt and accept a divorce much more quickly than older children (even young adults). I've also seen this ring true in real life. You're not doing them a favor by staying and you may very well make it worse for them by doing so. Young adults frequently feel resentment for parents that stayed in an unhappy marriage for them. It will be as if it was their fault that you were unhappy for years. And you'll have been lying to them for years by putting on the face of a happy home. They may feel that their entire childhood was a lie.

 

This is all besides what it will do to you.

 

It's early days after another Dday. Try not to rush this decision.

[Hope Shimmers]

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I can't imagine how hard that must have been to hear from your H.

 

I don't know what I would do in your situation but I might be tempted to throw him out and tell him to go to her. Then see what happens in a few months. You say he isn't in a 'fog' - I'm not a huge believer in A fogs, but I do think that he hasn't lived with the reality of everyday life with her the same way he has with you, so it's apples and oranges right now and he isn't seeing any potential negatives. In a few months he might have a new thought process in terms of what he wants (or maybe you might decide you can do better and want out).

 

I was in an A like this, but we both came to realize that we were living in a fantasy world in many ways and that the chance that we would have worked out was slim, given everything. Plus he still loved his W (as your H does you).

[Steen719]

If you're staying until the children are grown, I think you're making a mistake. The data strongly indicates that younger children adapt and accept a divorce much more quickly than older children (even young adults). I've also seen this ring true in real life. You're not doing them a favor by staying and you may very well make it worse for them by doing so. Young adults frequently feel resentment for parents that stayed in an unhappy marriage for them. It will be as if it was their fault that you were unhappy for years. And you'll have been lying to them for years by putting on the face of a happy home. They may feel that their entire childhood was a lie.

 

This is all besides what it will do to you.

 

It's early days after another Dday. Try not to rush this decision.

 

I can tell you that from my perspective, this is true. I would not count on it being easier as the kids get older.

[2sunny]

I wish you wouldn't settle for his crumbs.

 

Have you done counseling to determine why you expect so little from the man who is supposed to love you more than anyone else?

 

His betrayal just continues - yet you keep accepting unacceptable behavior like it's "normal".

 

It's not normal!

 

He's been a complete douche to you.

 

Why haven't you made him leave?

[lilmisscantbewrong]

If you're staying until the children are grown, I think you're making a mistake. The data strongly indicates that younger children adapt and accept a divorce much more quickly than older children (even young adults). I've also seen this ring true in real life. You're not doing them a favor by staying and you may very well make it worse for them by doing so. Young adults frequently feel resentment for parents that stayed in an unhappy marriage for them. It will be as if it was their fault that you were unhappy for years. And you'll have been lying to them for years by putting on the face of a happy home. They may feel that their entire childhood was a lie.

 

This is all besides what it will do to you.

 

It's early days after another Dday. Try not to rush this decision.

 

 

 

I wish I could like this 100 times. It is absolutely true. I first learned this when I went into IC - my parents divorced when I was in my early thirties. Believe me when I tell you it should have happened at least 10 years earlier, but dad was waiting until the "kids" were out. It was horrible. My counselor basically told me (as I was going through my issues) that studies show it is much more difficult on grown children than young children. I agree totally - I was tossed back and forth between the two of them - I thought as an adult I could handle it so I shoved it down and didn't deal with the "loss" of my parents as a unit. Boy did it rear it's ugly head over 15 years later.

 

 

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am sure this is the nightmare of almost every BS, but it is always a possibility depending upon how strong the connection was between the AP's (and I am not trying to be mean or anything here - just realistic).

 

 

The question now becomes, what do you want? Do not waste years trying to make this decision. Decided what you want, sit down and work it out between the two of you, grieve the relationship but please work things out for your children so that you co-parent well. My sister and her husband divorced 10 years ago (there was an affair), but their priority was always the kids and they have an incredibly good co-parenting situation. The kids are always put first.

 

 

Good luck and I am so sorry.

[Fluttershy]

It is possible to love more than one person romantically. It is actually naive to think otherwise. But then we choose and let the other one go. We feed the one love and starve the other. He never chose your entire marriage an isn't choosing now. Which means he isn't giving you all his love and focus and never has.

 

Work on you and make yourself strong. And I encourage you to heavily consider the 180 not to bring him to his knees but to set you free from his web.

[veritas lux mea]

I am so sorry! From an outside persepctive I would say start on the path of getting yourself the hell out of dodge!

[whichwayisup]

You're in a tough spot. Your WH still loves the exMOW and is contact with her. Their physical A is over but it's still emotional as they are keeping in touch, getting their feelings fed. Your WH wants to stay married but not commit emotionally to you. His head and heart is with the exMOW. Sadly you can't compete with that! It's out of your hands. The only thing you can do is either walk away from your marriage, have joint custody of your kids and be great co parents to your children in 2 different households. I hope you find the strength do divorce him because he is NOT husband material (anymore) to you. Staying together as a family unit as one is only prolonging things...Really it's only a matter of time before their A turns physical again or until you get fed up being second fiddle to your own husband.

 

I am sorry that you're going through this, it sucks and wasn't what you had expected or hoped for, but it is what it is.

 

If you stay you'll settle and feel unloved. Laying next to your husband will feel empty and do a lot damage to you in the long run. Don't be afraid to tell him to leave and find another place to live. You'll have plenty of support from family and friends to help you through this.

[No Limit]

There's a great difference for kids to come from a broken family or to live in one. The latter is much much worse.

 

A classmate of mine once told us that she'd already begged her parents once to seperate, but they didn't and she's emotionally... fragile.

Don't do this to your kids.

[2sunny]

You staying because he's "tried" obviously isn't working - especially since he continues to communicate with her KNOWING it will HURT YOU.

 

Time to file the D papers you filled out. Your H doesn't understand at all how to respect you or the marriage.

 

You shouldn't need to beg him to be decent.

 

I looked at your other threads - he's consistent - he's a complete jerk to you.

 

It's not working - time to show him what DOING looks like - take ACTION.

[HermioneG]

I am so sorry, but it is time to close the bakery, end the cake, and be done with this man.