Breezie Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 Hello friends. It's been a long time since I've been here, but I'm back with some issues. *sigh*. Anyways, here I am. Background: I've been dating a man for 6 months. As usual, at the beginning of any relationship, I thought it was perfect. We got along perfectly, adored each other, really thought he is the one for me. It was refreshing after being divorced and having a bad relationship after my divorce as well. When we started dating, I didn't pay any mind to him not having a job, or any source of income. Essentially I started supporting him. He moved in with me, and I paid for everything, from food, rent, utilities, drove his step father to work every day because they had no car, everything. I never complained, but money was getting tight. I got a new job, so I moved 45 min away, and he moved with me. After a month, I convinced him to get a part time job to help with some of the bills, as I was overdrawing my bank account. Begrudgingly he got a job. It's an overnight job. Since he doesn't have a car, I get off work, come home, cook dinner, take him to work at midnight, pick him up at 6am, then go to my job. Anyways, we're a few weeks into him having a job. He thinks that him having a job is feeding into some sort of lifestyle that I'm trying to live... however I'm just trying to support both of us, and not be negative every month and have maxxed out credit cards. I'm working to get a 2nd job, so I can have enough money. I've never been broke, I've never run out of money, this is a new thing. Supporting 2 people is very expensive. BUT- That's not what I'm here to talk about. My boyfriend is a yeller. Every day I'm doing something to make him angry, upset or some other range of emotion. He is combative and seems to like to fight with me, since it's a daily occurance. While fighting is not in my nature, as I did not grow up in a home with yelling and anger, he found me retreating to be alone when he's angry at me not acceptable. So I began to stand up for myself. I started being angry back. He's called me every name in the book, tells me every day about how I upset him. Little things that I don't even think would make him mad set him off. I really don't understand if this is me provoking him, of if he's angry in general. Now I feel we're in a vicious circle. I've started yelling back. One night, After him calling me every name in the book, and my crying (which he ridicules me and calls me a baby about) was setting him off, I got so angry, I punched him. He tells me that my yelling and anger and me hitting him was abuse. After reading about it online, it looks like I really have abused him... except I've only started fighting back after he attacks me. Our fights have occasionally become physical. He's hit me a few times. He has threatened to kill my pets. He's verbally berated me, and I really feel terrible. And last night, he told me he hated me. I don't intentionally make him mad, but he tells me I should know my actions make him mad. I really don't mean too? Ive never had any problems like this before in relationships, so I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong? He's telling me that MY anger is getting in the way of us being happy. I'm only angry because I feel helpless, backed in a corner, and frankly, I just want to come home and relax and be happy after a long day at work, and the simplest of things will set him off. I've tried breaking up with him a few times. He won't let me. He convinces me that I'm doing it out of anger, and that he really loves me and that we can make it work. My best friends can't stand him, and don't even talk to me anymore because he's in my life. They think he's a user. When I brink it up, he tells me I'm holding the fact that I Have a good job over his head. That I just want him to work so I can live a life I want to live. In the back of my head, I know I need to get out. I just feel stuck. But my question is... am I abusing him? Is he abusing me? Am I missing something here? Overall I'm confused. Maybe I just needed to get things off my chest.
jaycee1 Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 He is clearly abusing you. Part of that abuse is turning it around to make you feel in the wrong. He is a grown man, he should work! Understand some people do lose jobs etc but to be content not working like that and making you feel guilty for asking him to get a job is manipulative and lazy. I would say RUN and run fast before things escalate. Of course he will try to keep you, you support him. You do react to his abuse but that is natural but not healthy. I would call local police to help with making him go, for your safety. You deserve sooo much better and someone wanting a supportive partnership. 1
Omei Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 Leave you're not dating a man you are dating a boy and you are his new mom.
BikerAccnt Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 Get out now. This is no way to live. I don't know you, but I'm sure you deserve better than this. 1
ayala Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 You need to get out of that relationship. You're not abusive. He is. He provoked you; you retaliated. Get him help if you can. I doubt he'll go for it, but he needs anger management. If you're afraid he'll follow you, or hurt you, get a restraining order. Get your friends and family to help protect you. Far too many people put up with abuse because they love the other person. Well guess what, they probably don't love you and it's better to be alive and alone than treated like crap. At least when you're alone, you don't have to worry about anyone but yourself. Good luck. 2
WeirdChick Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 Dear Breezi, please get some standards: 1) never date someone who is not working; 2) never date someone who does'nt have a car; 3) never date someone who is so uneducated and ill-mannered, ungreatful, that he call names to the woman who has been so supportive to him. To sum up, pls ladies dont date men who are socially, financially beneath you. I dont mean to be some rude snob, I find relationships just work better, if man and women are socially and financially equal.
Assasda Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 The fact is you guys dont respect each other. He doesnt respect you because you are insecure and weak And you dont respect him because he's unmotivated and lacks selfcontrol. You should not be physical with anyone. When you turn physical, you escalate the situation, and it says something about you as a woman. For some reason I get the impression that you initiates those physical bouts. Tell me if i'm wrong.
Candy_Pants Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 Call the police, have them present while he packs his **** up and gets out of your house. He began the abuse, but now you're also abusing him. I've been/am in a similar situation, and I know even the strongest person retaliates eventually.
Mrin Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 End this immediately. Kick him out. Change your locks. Change your number. No contact. Ever. Get this man completely out of your life. Seek counseling. Get a restraining order. Stay with friends. You are already well on your way to battered women's syndrome. Listen to how you second guess yourself. He has done that to you. This is toxic and needs to be cut our of your life immediately. 3
Omei Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 Dear Breezi, please get some standards: 1) never date someone who is not working; 2) never date someone who does'nt have a car; 3) never date someone who is so uneducated and ill-mannered, ungreatful, that he call names to the woman who has been so supportive to him. To sum up, pls ladies dont date men who are socially, financially beneath you. I dont mean to be some rude snob, I find relationships just work better, if man and women are socially and financially equal. I don't agree with 1 and 2 this at all there are many good quality men out there currently unemployed that would not seek out a woman to live off of you dont know their situation they may very well want to be employed and will get there. Driving is a choice you dont have to drive or own a car to be considered an adult or good partner in fact I admire people who use safer earth friendly methods of transportation just because they choose to. I dont think you need to date someone financially equal at all unless you're at the point of making life choices together, living together, marriage
almond Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 End this immediately. Kick him out. Change your locks. Change your number. No contact. Ever. Get this man completely out of your life. Seek counseling. Get a restraining order. Stay with friends. You are already well on your way to battered women's syndrome. Listen to how you second guess yourself. He has done that to you. This is toxic and needs to be cut our of your life immediately. This. Absolutely. Please get professional help - you truly do need it. Reach out to family and friends, tell them what is happening, and ask them to help. You need to get out of this NOW. Call the police, get a restraining order, and kick him out immediately. Call an abused women's hotline and ask for advice. Have someone present (police, male friends or relatives) ready for when he gets home, and have his stuff packed and boot him out. This is so incredibly dangerous and damaging. Please make this move - save yourself. You don't need to live like this. It hurts now, but soon enough, you will be a scared, confused shell of your former self. You are doing some serious damage living like this. You can recover...start now. Don't let this go on any longer. Please.
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