loveandbeloved Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 Hey guys! Soo I am in a pretty complicated situation that's leaving me more confused than I want to be given what it is... :/ my boyfriend and I of one year have decided to move in together. I live in California, and he lives in Arizona & my 3 year old daughter and I will be making the move up there with him. He also has a son who lives in California, and it works out pretty well having our kids there together and then having to go back when the time comes as far as the schedule goes. We both decided on moving in together, and have a very serious and loving relationship that we see life long without a doubt. but everytime I try to talk about it, he shy away from the subject because he scared and has admitted this to me. His dad 2 & a half year old son's mother And him had a very poor relationship and a really bad living experience together. So I can see where hes coming from, but I'm scared to...I'm uprooting my whole life and it is a life changing decision. He also has a twin brother who lives with him and doesn't have a child, and he feeds negativity to him about how things will change and be complicated. its Leaving me really confused and making me feel unwanted...he says he knows it's now or never, our relationship is at that point and I've stayed with him for long periods of time and we're totally comfortable living together. He says we won't know unless we try...but I really want this to be a happy experience and instead it feels so secretive almost. Am I expecting to much from him for him to be happy, talk about it with me and be excited like I am? We've talked about basics, my car situation, working, and all that and have decided to not move all my furniture up til it feels right in a month or two and we can plan it together. Is it normal for him to be so shut out from this? I want to be able to post on Facebook (silly, I know but it's an example) without feeling like it'd make him uncomfortable? I'd really appreciate some good feedback and any more details you guys would like to know please ask! I need some closure! We got into an argument yesterday because he said he had talked to his brother, and they do music together and his brother was saying how he feels like they are falling apart and I would do nothing but interfere. But I support him take care of him & the house, motivate him and I have done nothing to deserve that negativity that his ex girlfriend put into their life. He was more so defensive of his brother and didn't want to talk about it and we ended up not talking all day until he just tried sweet talking it over later on in the day. I don't want to feel like I am in dating, or intruding. I make that place a home for us and I want to feel like its my home too, not somewhere where I'm feeling wanted. Whether he wants me to and says so very vaguely, him not reassuring me with these things really makes me feel so empty and confused about it.
Assasda Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 How long have you guys been together? He may just be more matter of fact about the move and not super excited as you seem to be. Its an adventure for you, but he wont be moving anywhere
DArtagnan2 Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 How long have you guys been together? He may just be more matter of fact about the move and not super excited as you seem to be. Its an adventure for you, but he wont be moving anywhere A year OP: My thoughts are maybe you should cool down on the move date right now. he has admitted he is scared and with his brother being a ****, I think if you were to go, it may cause problems between you two thus ending the relationship. Its only been a year you have been together. I know, people move quickly now-a-days and a year probably seems like 3 years to some, but it is only a year. I would chill out on the moving in talks because it obviously is not something he is feeling at the moment. Well he is feeling it, but not so much to where he seems really ready for it. At the same time, you are ready it appears. So with that, how long you wait for him to be ready, is something that you will have to take in to consideration. No one wants to wait years and years, but both have to be comfortable with it otherwise its a recipe for a disaster. And you have to remember you are going to have your kid with you, so that should weigh in to the decision if now is the right time given all the details surrounding the situation.
giblesp Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 I can relate to how you both feel. Thing is, you can either look at life as 'I'm going to die,' or 'I'm alive right now.' Just have a good time and take it easy, you've both been through the ropes. Take care of each other and above all, enjoy the time you are sharing. Moving in will happen when its meant to.
veggirl Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 I am guessing you are very young. Don't mix families with someone who is hesitant and you've only been dating for a year. That is a horrible situation for your kids. 1
Salvatore85 Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 I was with my ex 4 years. We broke up for six months, got back together and 3 months later, I went against my gut and we moved in together. Everything was awesome until the move and it basically destroyed all the work we accomplished when we got back together. We lasted another year before we broke up again. If he's reluctant than take it slow. Moving in together is not going to make things better. Just move closer to him but don't actually move in. Give it some more time.
Author loveandbeloved Posted May 16, 2014 Author Posted May 16, 2014 I was with my ex 4 years. We broke up for six months, got back together and 3 months later, I went against my gut and we moved in together. Everything was awesome until the move and it basically destroyed all the work we accomplished when we got back together. We lasted another year before we broke up again. If he's reluctant than take it slow. Moving in together is not going to make things better. Just move closer to him but don't actually move in. Give it some more time. He is but he keeps mentioning cute little things and I can tell he's happy about it too...he's just more upfront with his feelings of fear then mine. That is a good idea. I was considering having my own little game plan in mind, if I start feeling unwanted or seeing our relationship fall apart. After two months or so before I move my stuff up I'll save up for my own place just in case things do get difficult. I kind of wanna talk to him about this iDea but I feel that'd be a negative pressure lurking :/
clia Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 I think you should get your own place in Arizona and see what a relationship is like with him that is not long distance. Staying together when you are in a LDR is not the same thing as having a relationship where you live in the same town or live together. Moving in together immediately seems like a rash decision, especially given that you have a small child, coupled with his clear reluctance to move in together, and especially considering that you have only been together for a year. If I recall correctly, you have also had a number of other problems with him over the past year. Slow down.
soccerrprp Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 He is but he keeps mentioning cute little things and I can tell he's happy about it too...he's just more upfront with his feelings of fear then mine. That is a good idea. I was considering having my own little game plan in mind, if I start feeling unwanted or seeing our relationship fall apart. After two months or so before I move my stuff up I'll save up for my own place just in case things do get difficult. I kind of wanna talk to him about this iDea but I feel that'd be a negative pressure lurking :/ loveandbeloved, I am preparing to make the move to the city where my gf of 1+ years, but friends for 2+ yrs, is. I am uprooting my family, life to be with her, BUT it is a move that I would have made anyway. One thing I have done is ask myself if things don't work out, is the move a good one for my family, myself? Are there jobs (yes)? If I needed to date again, are the prospects good (yes, better than where I am now)? Is the city, the surroundings positive for myself and my children (yes)? So, in other words, my move to her is not ENTIRELY dependent upon whether the relationship works or not. Believe you me, I am going to do everything in my power to make it work, but I do have a plan B. YOU are making the lion's share of the sacrifice here. I suspect that his brother's malcontent has a lot to do with the fact that your arrival will dramatically affect his own circumstances or situation he has living with his brother. I wonder if the brother ever objected to the LDR before knowing that you were going to move up there and in with your bf? It will and may very well complicate things with the brother, but it's the two of you that needs the most attention here. You need to put your cards down and go over all of the concerns before you make the move. Perhaps find a job before you make the move??? This helps you in obvious ways, but also may give him time to think things over after your discussion. How set are you with your current situation/life in Arizona? This is tough. He is nervous. You are nervous, but much of that is b/c you two are not clear on the move. Never mind it's only been a year, the issue here is whether the move is something you BOTH equally support. When my gf and I started our LDR, we made it clear that their would be a finale to it. A goal. Part of that goal was for ME to move to her. So, for the next year or so, I (we) planned for that contingency. Again, for me, I was already planning to leave my current location, so different from your situation. Have that talk. Lay it all down and serious considering if this is something you BOTH want with equal conviction.
jaycee1 Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 How is your relationship with the brother? Them being twins, living together and doing music tells me they are close (even if they fight). Twins like that are sometimes like a married couple. I am a twin and I'd say half the guys I ever dated were also twins including my daughters dad. It is a different relationship and the brother is going to need to feel a bond with you as well just in a different way.
Recommended Posts