michellew Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 It's really hard to meet quality single men where I live, so I started OLD about two years ago. (The bar scene gets old and even when you do go out, you see the same people anyway.) I've been on many dates through OLD and had a couple that led to exclusivity, but came to a hault around the 3 month mark. Anyway, my OLD subscription is about to expire and I don't think I want to renew it. I don't even want to date anymore period! I just can't handle another bad date, nor do I want to put the effort into dating anymore. Lol They say you find someone when you least expect it or stop looking. Has anyone actually experienced this?
carhill Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 OP, you might find this thread a good read: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/473293-why-you-meet-them-when-you-aren-t-looking-true-some-people For myself, even with periods of 'not looking' numbering in years, most recently post-divorce, 'meeting someone' has never happened. When I put my mind to it and work it like a new business idea, yep, it does. I would surmise that some people are more blessed in the 'finding' department so YMMV. 2
deathandtaxes Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 OP, don't look for that someone online or at the bar. Sounds like you need a break, anyways. After a suitable break, why not just enjoy life? And then be open to meeting somebody? Date yourself. Have fun. The funny thing is, people are EVERYWHERE!! 1
Author michellew Posted May 15, 2014 Author Posted May 15, 2014 OP, you might find this thread a good read: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/473293-why-you-meet-them-when-you-aren-t-looking-true-some-people For myself, even with periods of 'not looking' numbering in years, most recently post-divorce, 'meeting someone' has never happened. When I put my mind to it and work it like a new business idea, yep, it does. I would surmise that some people are more blessed in the 'finding' department so YMMV. I put my mind into it now and meet a ton of people online, but most of the time I don't feel a connection. Dating feels like work now and I need a break! Lol What does YMMV stand for?
topaMAXX Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 I put my mind into it now and meet a ton of people online As a woman, you should have no trouble meeting men when not looking for it. but most of the time I don't feel a connection. Sounds like you're meeting tons of awesome guys, but you're being too picky. What does YMMV stand for? Your mileage may vary. 1
Author michellew Posted May 15, 2014 Author Posted May 15, 2014 OP, don't look for that someone online or at the bar. Sounds like you need a break, anyways. After a suitable break, why not just enjoy life? And then be open to meeting somebody? Date yourself. Have fun. The funny thing is, people are EVERYWHERE!! You're right; I definitely need a break! I do enjoy life now...I workout a lot, have a great job, enjoy my time with friends, and also love my alone time. However, there are times when I'm doing something great and can't help but think of how nice it would be to share that moment with someone else. There's also the fact that I'm 35 and can't help but feel the need to settle down soon if I ever want to have another child. I'm just doing to take that break and see what happens. 3
carhill Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 I put my mind into it now and meet a ton of people online, but most of the time I don't feel a connection. Dating feels like work now and I need a break! Lol What does YMMV stand for? Another poster explained but here's a thread which lists many of LS's acronyms/LS-speak: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/water-cooler/228723-loveshack-terminology-guide-acronyms-forum-shorthand Essentially, your experience may differ from my own and be unique to you. For myself, dating has always been work/effort/focus. I remember, when dating my exW, working all week and driving either 30 or 60 miles to go on a date with her. Any date, even meetups, were at least 30 miles away. While answering another thread, I think last week or the week before, I checked the 45-65 age range in a 20 mile circle around where I live and there were four women. One finger less than a hand. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of women around and some really wonderful ones. Married So, when I'm not looking and simply enjoying interacting with women, that's who I meet because that's all there is. Nothing wrong with that. It's just that dating takes work. For a different person in a different demographic, their experience will likely be completely different. As an example, where I'm moving to once I get out of this dating desert, I've already met more single women in a couple trips than I've seen around here in decades. Again, to 'see' this, I couldn't 'stop looking', rather had to be on top of demographics and social environments and 'working the problem'. Axe and some cool jeans won't be getting me laid. Effort and care, maybe. YMMV!
Versacehottie Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 That other thread has a lot of good perspectives. Here's what I say from observing some of my friends and people: MANY women once they are desiring a serious relationship mood, put off the most desperate vibe. It's very, very unattractive and short-sighted. They will stop doing things with their friends for sole purposes of having fun or being themselves. They solely become: GIRL IN SEARCH OF RELATIONSHIP. It's both boring and scary to guys. They won't talk to anyone that from one glance they deem as not relationship-worthy, won't socialize with people who are not potentially that guy or have ability to hook them up with that guy. If you go to a bar or party or place where there are guys there they take one quick look around and decide there is no one there for them and then go into a funk or try to urge the people they came with to leave. They tend to dress sloppy and behave poorly when then think there are no potential guys bound to be there or see them. This is ALL a mistake. The guy can be anywhere. In fact, he may not even be "there" at all but may be the result of some other new friend you make or fun you are having. There was once a book I read that gave an example of a person who had observed what worked dating-wise from their experience working on a cruise ship. Sounds lame, i know, but relevant, trust me. They said that many people came on the ship but that the single women could pretty much be split into 2 distinct groups. A)the girls who didn't take part in many of the activities but finally emerged for the nightclub part at night glammed up. B)the girls who did almost all the activities that were offered during the day and of course also went out to the night events. Looks didn't play into this. But the person relating the story said without fail the girls that participated in the activities usually left the ship with relationships or some version of. I think group A tends to give off a I'm waiting/I'm desperate vibe whereas the others are just looking to have fun for themselves and a relationship is just an incidental by-product. It's definitely go to be both less scary and more attractive to be that girl. Not to mention you've likely already spoken to the guy WITHOUT ulterior motives or a singular motive. What I mean about it being short-sighted is that by handling your life in this way of ONLY being desperate for a guy is A)it tends not to work B)you have nothing else much going on which makes you less of a catch and brings down the quality of the sorts of guys you can attract C)when you do activities and socialize PURELY for fun or to be with friends and meet new people, you give off a very good vibe that makes other people like you and is very helpful for dating as well. D)In the event that you do land a guy, if you don't have other interests, then what happens?? So while I wouldn't say it has happened when "you aren't looking" but more so when it is not your SOLE mission. Being more well-rounded and multi-dimensional ups your odds and attracts people to you. That said, put yourself in an "i'm dating" mentality. Make an effort to look polished/your best--whether at grocery store, starbucks, gym or an event when you would obviously try to look good. Engage people with conversation--for example, it has happened to me many times that I am sweet & outgoing with some random person (a deli counter worker is a recent example that comes to mind), just because it's my personality. Well I hadn't noticed but a gorgeous guy was behind me in line, and started talking to me just afterward. Surely because he saw that I was approachable, saw a bit of my personality because he saw my interaction with deli guy and because he overheard that had an opening line. Also beyond everyday things, make sure you have as full of a calendar as you can handle and go with every intention of having fun/meet new people, if it's a guy to date great but also fine if it's a girl or guy that will just be a friend. Those also lead to "the guy". One day the girl will say her brother is coming into town&you'll all go to dinner and then bam. So be focused on creating a pattern that will assist you with meeting a good guy and then work the pattern with the intention to have fun. It will lead you to him. Good luck! 2
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 I happen to believe that there is some truth in that statement. It happened to me after all. I've chatted with many men about this very topic looking to get a male's perspective. What they've revealed to me countless times is that most men can sense a woman's...um...desperation...for lack of a better term...to find the one. Apparently, most men find that unattractive particularly if the woman is picking out china after a couple of weeks together How much of that is really true, I'm not sure but again, I think there is something to THIS theory as well. Bottom line, I think it's important to put yourself out there whether it's online or going to the bar or a combination of both. It's good to be seen and interact. At the same time, I think you also need to know when to lay low and enjoy being single and all the freedom and privileges that that provides you. When you're happy with yourself and where you are in your life, it shows up in your being and is like a beacon for good things...and good people. At least that's been my experience
Ruby Slippers Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 (edited) I've only met men and dated when I was making an effort toward that goal, when I've had the "single and ready to mingle" attitude and vibe. When I "stop looking", I don't find anybody. Also, I have never, ever met a decent guy in a bar or night spot. It's usually been through activities that revolved around hobbies - playing music at open mics, swing dance classes, that kind of thing. Edited May 15, 2014 by Ruby Slippers 2
d0nnivain Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 I have found it true in the past but I never put it into practice on a long term basis. When I was younger & hitting up parties & bars, the nights I'd go out looking to meet somebody never worked but when I went out just to have a good time, I usually met somebody. In my mid 30s having never been married, about a year after a break up & the longest I'd ever been without a BF I started reading self help books about marriage & relationships. Some were outright insulting (& advised things like make sure to bathe before you try to meet somebody) while others were trivial (e.g The Rules: don't accept a weekend date with a man unless he asks on Wednesday) In each I found one or two grains of wisdom most of which boiled down to know yourself & have some self respect. The approach / philosophy that spoke to me recommended treating the search like a job search. There are all sorts of reasons why that idea won't work for everybody but I liked it & set out a systematic approach. The way I'd send out resumes every day & network at least once per week to get a job, I had to put myself out there to find a mate. So I did that. I went out of my comfort zone. I signed up for singles events & kept reading. I also employed this sort of new age technique kind of like the Secret or putting it out to the universe where I wrote love letters to my future husband. I learned to smile & say hi to strangers. I employed a variety of techniques & made sure that I did at least 1 thing per week to get me out of the house into an environment where I could meet someone. After a few months of doing this with the idea that I'm a good catch & that I wanted to find a man who could show me that he had something special to offer, I met my husband at a business networking thing. So to answer your Q, I was actively looking when I met him but my mind shift was different. It wasn't "I want a BF" it was "prove to me that you are worthy to be my husband." I wasn't that cocky about it but my point is there wasn't anything desperate about my vibe. I was comfortable in my own skin & did not need a man to be happy. That's when I found him. 1
somedude81 Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 michellew How many dates do you go on in a month normally?
Andy_K Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 Every now and then I'll take a break of 3-6 months off trying to date. In those times, I have never once met anyone. If I don't look, I don't get dates. I believe this statement only holds for two groups of people. - very attractive women - very extrovert guys with a big social circle Everyone else has to pursue what they want to get. Just like everything else in life.
Candy_Pants Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 I was casually dating someone when my H and I reconnected. Before him I was NOT looking for a boyfriend, or anything beyond "fun".
saltyfishhead666 Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 (edited) I didn't find that when I stopped looking I found someone. I found that when I was ok with being single, I was happy being single. I was happy truly within myself that I met someone and boy did he smack me in the face (not literally lol) Now I'm single again and have been for just under a year and I am truly happy being by myself, so happy that when I get advances now I just don't want to date anyone. I am happy it being me, my kids and a healthy drama free life Edited May 15, 2014 by mummyjonno
benkaye Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 I'm a 26yo guy and have been in two serious relationships of 1.5 years each. The first was when I was 18, and then I had a 6 year gap until I got into my second (and it wasn't until I met her that I was truly over my first love) Anyway, on both occasions I met these girls by chance. I wasn't actively looking for a girlfriend and certainly wasn't trying to impress. In fact, whenever I actively try and find someone I always fall flat. I'm really worried I'm not going to meet another person. All of my friends are in relationships and I can't imagine myself being in anymore situations where I randomly meet somebody, and based on experience, if I try and find someone I will fail. I want to know if you think everyone ends up falling in love. I miss the feeling and am worried I'll be single forever.
PegNosePete Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 No. If you have a goal then you need to put in effort to achieve it. Sure maybe some people are just lucky but for the majority, if you don't go looking you will not find. 2
Potz4prez Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 I'm a 26yo guy and have been in two serious relationships of 1.5 years each. The first was when I was 18, and then I had a 6 year gap until I got into my second (and it wasn't until I met her that I was truly over my first love) Anyway, on both occasions I met these girls by chance. I wasn't actively looking for a girlfriend and certainly wasn't trying to impress. In fact, whenever I actively try and find someone I always fall flat. I'm really worried I'm not going to meet another person. All of my friends are in relationships and I can't imagine myself being in anymore situations where I randomly meet somebody, and based on experience, if I try and find someone I will fail. I want to know if you think everyone ends up falling in love. I miss the feeling and am worried I'll be single forever. Doesn't hurt to go out on dates. You don't have to go out looking for love... just someone you can have a fun conversation with. You're not going to love someone at "hello." Lighten up, bud. Waiting for love to find you will only keep you single. Being single is a resting state... gotta keep up the momentum up.
soccerrprp Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 They say you find someone when you least expect it or stop looking. Has anyone actually experienced this? Found someone and potential others by actively seeking. It was very difficult for me to get out, so OLD was the only real, viable option.
SadNLonley Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 Find a guy to date then others seem to come out of the woodwork. Thats how it was for me. When I was in a relationship, guys seemed to approach me when I was out. Now that Im single (10 months) Ive just started to put myself out there. Will see how it goes, but so far the OLD things is not so great and going out with friends hasn't brought anything either.
Hopeful30 Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 I always meet men when I'm not looking, but it's never the "right" man.
Potz4prez Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 Find a guy to date then others seem to come out of the woodwork. Thats how it was for me. When I was in a relationship, guys seemed to approach me when I was out. Now that Im single (10 months) Ive just started to put myself out there. Will see how it goes, but so far the OLD things is not so great and going out with friends hasn't brought anything either. Cause you were confident. Guys like confidence too. Nervous girls make nervous guys. I'm not gonna stick my neck out if I think you're going to flub the conversation and make it awkward for everyone involved. Do you ever approach guys? I always meet men when I'm not looking, but it's never the "right" man. Do you really know who the right man is?
Author michellew Posted May 15, 2014 Author Posted May 15, 2014 michellew How many dates do you go on in a month normally? Let's see, in January I went on dates with 3 different men. Hit it off with one and continued to see him exclusively for 3 months. That ended (my fault due to some insecurities on my part). I put my profile back up in April and went out with 2 other guys I met online. One wanted to get serious, but I realized I wasn't over the last one and wanted to take a break from dating for a while which is why we are here now. When I'm actively online dating and searching, I'd say I meet about 2-3 guys in person a month. It doesn't seem like a lot, but my free time is sparse. I will email and text more men than that, but when it comes to meeting, I have to narrow it down because again, I don't have the time. The back and forth emailing, messaging, and narrowing are the parts that take effort and time! Lol
SadNLonley Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 Do you ever approach guys? Not IRL. I have online, but no responses.
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