tornapart2002 Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 I didn't see them together. My husband will give me no details of what he says was their one night together or one time of sex and I know knowing the details won't help. He carried on an "affair" for over a year -- texting, talking, buying her gifts and giving her family maybe $10,000 to help them move out of state. He said one time he just wanted her gone. I guess he thought if he paid her off she'd never tell me. She's been trying to communicate with me via a social media site and I won't answer her. "it wasn't meant to happen" she told me. Um....so he accidentally fell inside of you? The thing is I know I don't want details, but I know I want my imagination of what was said and who suggested it and all of that crap to go away. Does anyone have any ideas of how to do it, short of leaving him. He's done some amazing work on trying to repair things. I'm not just saying that. He has. He's trying so hard and I don't want to keep rubbing this in his face. I love him and I want to save this marriage so I ask that you don't suggest I leave his sorry, cheating ass. ;-) Even though I know it is what many would suggest.
ladydesigner Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 I imagine the MOW pining away for my fWH while we are intimate. Really it is the one and only thing that helped/helps me when the images come.
beach Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 The images went away when I eliminated my husband of 23 years from my life. It was freedom like I've never known = peace of mind was immediate. 5
EverySunset Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 The images went away when I eliminated my husband of 23 years from my life. It was freedom like I've never known = peace of mind was immediate. Like a flood. Amen.
painfullyobvious Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 The only thing that kept the images from taking over my mind was time. After a while they intrude less and less. That was the only thing that helped. However I did not reconcile for more than a few months. I still saw the images even though we were done. Even today I am triggered by events that remind me of the situation for a few seconds.
BetrayedH Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 Some people have claimed EMDR therapy to be of great help. The scientific support is a bit sketchy but I heard enough positives about it to look for it in my area (unsuccessfully).
harrybrown Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 Do not let him rug sweep. He can't go around it, he has to go thru it. Have him go to counseling with you. Have him give you a written timeline of the affair. He has all the pieces of the puzzle. He wants you to move on and your mind can't get there without all the pieces to the puzzle. You will not be able to move on like he wants you to without him having any pain. He does not sound like he is remorseful enough to save your marriage.
drifter777 Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 I didn't see them together. My husband will give me no details of what he says was their one night together or one time of sex and I know knowing the details won't help. He carried on an "affair" for over a year -- texting, talking, buying her gifts and giving her family maybe $10,000 to help them move out of state. He said one time he just wanted her gone. I guess he thought if he paid her off she'd never tell me. She's been trying to communicate with me via a social media site and I won't answer her. "it wasn't meant to happen" she told me. Um....so he accidentally fell inside of you? The thing is I know I don't want details, but I know I want my imagination of what was said and who suggested it and all of that crap to go away. Does anyone have any ideas of how to do it, short of leaving him. He's done some amazing work on trying to repair things. I'm not just saying that. He has. He's trying so hard and I don't want to keep rubbing this in his face. I love him and I want to save this marriage so I ask that you don't suggest I leave his sorry, cheating ass. ;-) Even though I know it is what many would suggest. I don't usually post on a BW thread but I want you to know that the images might never go away. You will have to accept that he cheated and decide to forgive him all over again every time you trigger and see him with her in your mind. It might be easier over time and the frequency of triggering may lessen, but it will probably never just be gone. 1
dichotomy Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 I don't usually post on a BW thread but I want you to know that the images might never go away. You will have to accept that he cheated and decide to forgive him all over again every time you trigger and see him with her in your mind. It might be easier over time and the frequency of triggering may lessen, but it will probably never just be gone. This has been my experience. However, from time to time it has helped me a tiny bit to think about things my WS and I do - or rather that WS has ONLY done for me that she did not for OM or others. It does not stop the other images, but it helps lesson the trauma by then thinking about stuff that only exists for us. 2
gettingstronger Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 I have to say that outwardly I was more hurt by the betrayal and lies than the thought of sex-but I did have some issues early on with "this has been done before, I just know it"- I was open and honest about it when it happened, even if it was at an awkward time- I can remember saying- wow it really hurts me to know you shared yourself like this with someone else, this is something only you and I should experience-he agreed and we would talk about it- I do have to say that during hysterical bonding things got pretty wild and I could hardly catch my breath in between much less think about anything else (TMI, sorry) I agree with the others-time, time, time and hope! 1
snappytomcat Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 TIME,things do get better with time,i had all those mind movies of them together,they tortured me for months,i didn't even want to fall asleep,cause I would have nightmares about it,but believe me there are 5 stages to grieving I don't remember them all,but I do know the final stage is acceptance,and when our mc,told me that eventually I would get to this stage,i said no way in h*ll,would I ever accept what he did,and I have accepted it,cause it did happen,we both wish I hadn't,but it did. If I want our M,to work out I have to also stop punishing him,which this is hard not to lash out at times,but ive accepted it,and you know I feel like a huge 1 ton weight lifted of my shoulders,i don't condone what he did,he was 100%wrong,he knows this and is working hard to earn my trust,and to make me feel safe again. will I ever trust him like I did before,absolutley not. I promise it will get better,most important thing now is take care of you 1
compulsivedancer Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 Many BSs over imagine what was done. Sometimes knowing the details can actually help, especially if they just had mediocre, vanilla sex. 2
snappytomcat Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 Many BSs over imagine what was done. Sometimes knowing the details can actually help, especially if they just had mediocre, vanilla sex. my husband said sex wasn't good at all with xow,but then why the h*ll do they do it again if it wasn't great,i never wanted to know anymore details,for me it would have made it harder,especially knowing it wasn't even ok sex,but continued it,thats just me though others might want to know all the details but that's just more crap they gotta push out of their brains
Author tornapart2002 Posted May 15, 2014 Author Posted May 15, 2014 I don't always share everything he does or has done to show how remorseful he is because I have a specific issue in my mind I'm working out. But he has shown remorse, he has cried (not crocodile tears, I assure you) and he has said more than once to me, "I don't like to think of the details because i am so ashamed of what I did. I don't want to be that person anymore." This week he told me, "I want to kill that person. I want to run him over with a car. I hate him. Talking about the details is horrible for me because i don't want to remember what that person did..that person I never want to be again." I can understand that. I just don't know how many details I need to move on.....or if knowing them will simply hurt worse. I don't want to know what sex acts they did. I want to know who suggested it, who started it, initiated it. My heart says it was him so I'm not trying to prove it was her because I hate her. I have pretty much already decided he is the one who wanted it and asked her for it. I want to throw up when I think about it because of how disgusting she is. QUOTE=harrybrown;5701078]Do not let him rug sweep. He can't go around it, he has to go thru it. Have him go to counseling with you. Have him give you a written timeline of the affair. He has all the pieces of the puzzle. He wants you to move on and your mind can't get there without all the pieces to the puzzle. You will not be able to move on like he wants you to without him having any pain. He does not sound like he is remorseful enough to save your marriage.
Author tornapart2002 Posted May 15, 2014 Author Posted May 15, 2014 Many BSs over imagine what was done. Sometimes knowing the details can actually help, especially if they just had mediocre, vanilla sex. My fear is that it wasn't like that, but if it wasn't then why didn't they do it again and why is he still here with me and not her. Yes, I know that sex isn't everyhing but it can be important to a man so I imagine it couldn't be that mind blowing. I did ask him once if it was good and he made a face and said 'no' but of course he was going to say that. What is he going to say to the woman he betrayed, "It was mind blowing."? 1
Sub Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 Many BSs over imagine what was done. Sometimes knowing the details can actually help, especially if they just had mediocre, vanilla sex. I can attest to this. I've always had an active imagination, kind of expected the worse. I didn't need all the details, but I wanted to know the process with which it started and happened. I had imagined this dramatic embrace the first time they had sex. A deep, longing look into each others eyes. All that. She described it in three words: kind of awkward. And after that, it was described in one word: f**cking. I'd be lying if I said an image doesn't pop up from time to time, almost three years after D-Day. But my W has had sex with other men besides me in her life time. I just treat the OM like I treat the guys she slept with before we started dating. We've been physical probably thousands of times throughout our R/M. I'm not going to feel trumped by a handful of f**cks by some other idiot.
dichotomy Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 (edited) Honestly would any WS ever say - "the sex with AP awesome, freaking amazing and so hot, far better than us, but ya know I love you and you wanted me to be honest, I am sorry so lets reconcile" No most say it was ok, or not important, or not that good, or I just liked that they were attracted to me, or I could talk to them and so I had sex to keep it going. I mean you might get a list of sex acts, or where they did it, or how many times, but your never going to get "it felt good and I came easily". To me the more important is "why" and are there things they are not getting in the marriage with your - or not giving you that happened outside the marriage. Edited May 15, 2014 by dichotomy 4
compulsivedancer Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 Honestly would any WS ever say - "the sex with AP awesome, freaking amazing and so hot, far better than us, but ya know I love you and you wanted me to be honest, I am sorry so lets reconcile" No most say it was ok, or not important, or not that good, or I just liked that they were attracted to me, or I could talk to them and so I had sex to keep it going. I mean you might get a list of sex acts, or where they did it, or how many times, but your never going to get "it felt good and I came easily". To me the more important is "why" and are there things they are not getting in the marriage with your - or not giving you that happened outside the marriage. I really enjoyed sex with OM and I was honest about it with H. But the first couple times it was pretty awkward, and that was after months of building up to it. First times can be awkward, and if you're in it for the sex, it could really strike home to someone that the risk is too high for the rewards. If he only had sex with her once, it may have been unintended - they let their passions run high and no one stopped it. But then it was awkward and they both felt guilty and the "what the hell was I thinking" moment set in.
notserene Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 The sex has stopped bothering me. My H and I have always been compatible. From what he told me, I think we are actually more compatible and had better sex (though OW had the advantage of novelty). It bothers me more to think of them acting like a "couple." She gave him an expensive watch for Valentine's Day that he insisted she return (she is unemployed and her mother supports her). I wonder where she thought he was going to wear it...or would he just wear it with her? It seems as if they were living in a parallel universe.
road Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 Many BSs over imagine what was done. Sometimes knowing the details can actually help, especially if they just had mediocre, vanilla sex. Yes so easy for the BH to believe when his WW say's that WW only had so so vanilla sex with the OM. And only one time too. How does the WW prove she is telling the truth instead of just more trickle truthing? Get the OM to confirm what she is saying is the whole truth? Well Compulsivedancer, waiting for your answer.
drifter777 Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 Honestly would any WS ever say - "the sex with AP awesome, freaking amazing and so hot, far better than us, but ya know I love you and you wanted me to be honest, I am sorry so lets reconcile" No - not if they wanted a chance to reconcile. I think the only reason a WS would say how great the sex was with the other person is to hurt the BS even more. Even then if may or may not be true because the motivation for telling BS is not to be open and honest - its just to inflict more pain. To me the more important is "why" and are there things they are not getting in the marriage with your - or not giving you that happened outside the marriage. I envy your ability to care much about the "why". I don't know "why" and do not believe her when she tries to give me a reason. I know people and what motivates them so I know the answer : A WS will include a whole bunch of mitigating circumstances when they talk to you about why, but the bottom line is that it was fun and it felt good. 1
compulsivedancer Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 (edited) Yes so easy for the BH to believe when his WW say's that WW only had so so vanilla sex with the OM. And only one time too. How does the WW prove she is telling the truth instead of just more trickle truthing? Get the OM to confirm what she is saying is the whole truth? Well Compulsivedancer, waiting for your answer. Of course it's not particularly provable. But a lot of BSs have a great "BS" filter so-to-speak. Even though I enjoyed sex with OM, that doesn't mean it was everything H thought it was. In H's case, he is mutual friends with OM's GF's BFF, and was able to confirm a few choice facts that way. What I have found was that even though H knew the timeframe and even knows the details, he still over-imagines. Yes, I enjoyed sex with OM. But not because he was amazing - because it was heightened affair sex! The other day, H made the comment "whenever you were blindfolded." Well, that was exactly once. But H has it in his mind it was more. Etc. When I remind him how little actually happened, it is a relief. He builds it up in his head to be so much more than it was. In our case, being open to sharing the details, including the stuff people usually hide, helped build trust. Because of that, and H's well-tuned bs filter, when I talk to him about the details, he at least feels reassured. I think that in OP's case, knowing more might actually help ease OP's mind a bit. Edited May 16, 2014 by compulsivedancer
Red123 Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 Of course it's not particularly provable. But a lot of BSs have a great "BS" filter so-to-speak. Even though I enjoyed sex with OM, that doesn't mean it was everything H thought it was. In H's case, he is mutual friends with OM's GF's BFF, and was able to confirm a few choice facts that way. What I have found was that even though H knew the timeframe and even knows the details, he still over-imagines. Yes, I enjoyed sex with OM. But not because he was amazing - because it was heightened affair sex! The other day, H made the comment "whenever you were blindfolded." Well, that was exactly once. But H has it in his mind it was more. Etc. When I remind him how little actually happened, it is a relief. He builds it up in his head to be so much more than it was. In our case, being open to sharing the details, including the stuff people usually hide, helped build trust. Because of that, and H's well-tuned bs filter, when I talk to him about the details, he at least feels reassured. I think that in OP's case, knowing more might actually help ease OP's mind a bit. This was true in my case. Having the details actually helped because my mind movies were far more exiting than the sex my H had with the MOW. It hurt to hear it but I feel for me I had to. It's not for everyone but it my case it hurt then helped. The imagination is a very powerful thing and I needed reality to bring me back. My H and I always had a really good, adventurous sex life so I imagined him with her like he was with me and it killed me. The truth for him was that his A was not sexually focused, which I struggled to understand because I couldn't imagine an A not being, since I have never had one I had no real point of reference. The MOW also believed that this wasn't an A because An A is cheap and sexual and they had so much more. Secretly when I am feeling strong I chuckle to myself that my H happened to get an OW with such a high moral compass and didn't even get the exciting A sex that everyone on here refers to. 2
compulsivedancer Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 (edited) No - not if they wanted a chance to reconcile. I think the only reason a WS would say how great the sex was with the other person is to hurt the BS even more. Even then if may or may not be true because the motivation for telling BS is not to be open and honest - its just to inflict more pain. H can tell when I'm holding something back. He didn't catch the affair because he denied his instincts. After DDay, I told him the truth because it was what he wanted, and the only way to be able to truly move forward. When I held something back or told a half-truth, he saw it in my eyes or my demeanor and he always pushed for more. He asked for nothing less than complete honesty, and it was impossible to move forward without it. For a variety of reasons. If I'd wanted to hurt him more, why would I stay with him? That's just dumb. Seeing how much he hurt is a lot of what brought me back to reality after DDay. During the A, I had no idea what a big deal it would be. I never in a million years imagined how much it would hurt him. Edited May 16, 2014 by compulsivedancer 3
suckerpunch55 Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 God I really hope this will be true for me, I have to struggle constantly with images of the 2 of them..
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