Anna68 Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 I'm new here. This is my first post. My DH and I have been not having the best of times lately. We had a baby last April, we've moved into a new house, our business is not doing well, and we lost a very dear friend this year. Stress has been at an all time high. In the last month, DH and I had a few big arguments. Mainly over money and division of housework stuff. In each argument he mentioned he had issues about "fatherhood" and then later "marriage". I immediately thought that there must be something going on. I snooped. I checked his email. It turned out that while I was pregnant and shortly have the birth, DH was emailing some girl he met on a guys vacation. It was all pretty benign. Mostly her asking about university classes and the like. But, in his last message he asked her to email her picture because he thought she was beautiful. I went ballistic. Packed a bag, packed up the baby and was ready to make a run for my mom's so he could work out his issues. He stopped me and explained that he was going through a midlife crisis, trying to adjust to being a dad, etc. That he was being really stupid and that she sent the picture at which point he decided that this was stupid. I feel like on one hand I completely overreacted. On the other hand, it's been months since he told me I was beautiful. He said he's taken this all as a wake up call and starting now things will be different in our marriage. I keep thinking there is something I should be doing. He says that I don't need to do anything, it's him. I believe that there wasn't an actual affair, but perhaps the makings of one. He's trying very hard to be sensitive to me. I just feel kind of numb. I don't feel connected to him at all. I don't know if it the baby and all the adjustments we've been through lately or something bigger.
AmHopeful Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 Have you two discussed couples counseling? My husband and I are going through a similar situation; I know it's really helped me. Good luck to you!
Author Anna68 Posted February 9, 2005 Author Posted February 9, 2005 We did. He has little faith in it. And given his feelings about it, I'm not sure it would work for us. I think he's depressed and have suggested just individual counseling. He just doesn't seem happy with anything in his life right now. His family is in the counseling industry and I don't think he can admit to himself that he might need some outside help to deal with the situation. We did try counseling once. Right before DS was born. DH had checked out so much I thought I was going to leave. We had maybe 4 sessions. In each, he kept saying that it wasn't me, but him. The counselor was a freebie through my company's EAP and I don't think he was all that helpful. Eventually, our son was born and we moved and stopped going. He went from wanting children to, as soon as we were pregnant, feeling as though I had trapped him. Let me say, I didn't trap him. We waited until 5 years into our marriage, at his request, to try. I didn't pressure him about his, but I did let him know that it was something I wanted. I waited until he was ready and when he was he gave me my birth control pill pack wrapped in gift wrap as an anniversary gift - telling me "let's try". When I got pregnant he completely checked out on me. I felt so alone. He spent a lot of time with his guy friends as if his life was about to be over. I think he's slowly discovering that it isn't, but it's a slow process. Now I have this beautiful son and I feel like a single parent most of the time. He is getting better and has doubled his efforts since this argument. I'm sure he's still adjusting to all this. And, I have spoken with quite a few female friends who are also moms who claim they went through similar experiences with their husbands after the birth of their first child. As DS is getting older and more interactive so does DH. But, I can't handle him emailing other women. I feel like I'm giving him lots of space and understanding with the adjustment to fatherhood and he almost walked out on our marriage. Our sexlife is still not recovered. We do get some time together, more than most new parents, but we don't seem to have sex more than once a month. Also, let me say. I've got a babysitter coming here once a week for a scheduled date. DS is about as easy a baby as they come. Finding that email, especially when it had been months since he looked me in the eye to tell me I was beautiful, just really threw me for a loop. It makes me question so much about our relationship. Adjustments or no, I'm not interested in being with someone who'd rather be with someone else. And, I certainly don't want to put this little boy through that kind of drama. But, now I'm wondering who else he's emailed or called or been with. I've asked the questions and he's said no one. I've chosen to trust that he's been honest, but how can anyone really have any way of knowing. I've pulled some exercises off of marriage builders that maybe we could try at home.
sylviaguardian Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 I am so sorry for you going through all this hurt and bewilderment. It sounds to me like you've had a lucky escape - that you found out before the contact with this girl grew. It sounds like your H is pretty frightened of committment. It also sounds like he hasn't really thought about what he should be doing now that you are married. I would recommend buying Shirley Glass's "NOt just friends". It has some really good chapters on how friendships outside marriage should be handled in order to protect the marriage. Give it to him to read. You need to tell him how much this has hurt you and WHY it has hurt you. Good luck Sylvia
Author Anna68 Posted February 9, 2005 Author Posted February 9, 2005 That's funny, I would have never thought he was having committment issues. We've been married for almost 10 years. To me, it just seemed like he was having trouble excepting that he might have to be an adult after having a child. Not that his life seems drastically different to me, I'm sure it is to him. The girl wasn't a friend, but someone he met while out of town on business. From what I can tell, there has been no other contact with her. And he says that that was it.
AmHopeful Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 My heart goes out to you; I hope you aren't forgetting to take care of yourself through all of this. It's very easy to let yourself fade during troubling times, I know- in the past couple of weeks, I've lost 14lbs. and before all of this I was only averaging 105lbs. I couldn't eat, sleep or even think straight. I had gotten so sick I was hospitalized because my weight and organs were are risk. You need to make sure you're physical health is in check, you have a baby that needs you. As for your mental health - perhaps you can find someone who can guide you through these times- even if he won't attend. I've been seeing a counselor and he's helping me understand matters but more importantly he's helping me vent in a control environment, learn patience and be supportive to myself and my husband while we work through our separation. At first I would attend these session thinking it would help our marriage, now I'm focused on changing what I can control - me. Now, I go for my benefit. It's not being selfish, it's just being smart. I'll be sending you good vibes
Author Anna68 Posted February 9, 2005 Author Posted February 9, 2005 Thanks for the good thoughts. Fortunately or not, I'm not one to stop eating when upset. If anything I eat more. I realize that my first priority is to make sure DS is healthy and insulated from any stuff. It means me taking a deep breath and shifting gears when I interact with him. God, I'm so angry with DH though and at myself. I feel like I've been so easy going and understanding and patient about this adjustment stuff, that he's really walked all over me. At least now we're talking about it. He seems to think this is something he can fix by making me dinner. I don't know if I'm just holding onto this angry stuff and overreacting or if I'm justified in feeling this way. I know in my mind that I really shouldn't need any justification or validation for feeling this way. I think I'm going to call the free counselor just for myself.
Owl Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 I'm NOT defending him here, but your comment "He seems to think this is something he can fix by making me dinner. " Struck a chord with me...you might want to take a look at a book called "The Five Languages of Love"...I don't remember the author's name, but it talks about how people try to SHOW each other that they love them. It sounds to me like he might be doing "acts of service"...which is something that HE thinks/feels is a way to show love. Now...it might not mean the same thing to you, but it's something to think about. Or...Owl could be full of BS too...it wouldnt be the first time! Regardless...good luck.
AmHopeful Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 I agree w/Owl- my husband, although strange at first, bought me a food processor. Yikes! I didn't understand it at the time but have come to understand (after a lot of talks) that he expresses his love just a little differently. He's not a verbal person nor is he very emotional, he's actually having a very tough time dealing with his emotions. I feel for you both!
latesleeper Posted February 21, 2005 Posted February 21, 2005 Anna, I understand what you mean. I found out that my husband had a woman friend for over four years and I knew next to nothing about her. I only found out because I read some of his past notes. In my heart I believe there was no physical affair but I am not so sure about the emotional part. I would like to believe there is and was nothing. He went out to dinner with her maybe once a year to catch up. But I told him, the thing is, I knew nothing whatsoever about these, or her! Why? He said he knew how I was. I said you knew how I would feel and yet you went ahead and did it? He was quiet. I am still angry and like you, I don't know what to believe. I even began to doubt all the good things in our relationship, and there is quite a bit of good things (we are affectionate, we "play" a lot, we spend quite a bit of time together...). He seemed angry and sad that I seem to be nullifying the good years (also about ten) we have together. He has told me time and again there was nothing, and is sad and angry I don't seem to accept it completely. I want to but I have to be honest with myself (and him) that I don't because I still do not understand what happened. I decided I am going to be honest with him as to how I feel and I asked him for complete honesty too. If we can't handle this, perhaps we want different things from marriage. It was very hard for me to do this, because I feared losing him and his love. But I feel that our marriage is worth the risk for betterment. (although I need an antidepressant to help) I don't know how we'd progress, but at least I'm again telling him whatever I feel (as I did in the beginning of our relationship) and we're showing how much we love each other by trying to understand and do what we can. Well, I just hope we love each other enough... Also, I have a particular issue with trust and self-worth. It stems from my childhood scars with my mother. So, some things are particularly sensitive with me. Honesty is one thing. Commitment and dedicated love is another. I think it is normal for people who have had unnurturing parents or difficult childhood (especially emotionally) to seek more reasssurance before trust is again given. I used to feel guilty about that. I used to feel I'm being unfair, difficult, unreasonable, etc. (I still feel a bit of it) But I've never been able to get rid of the want (or need is perhaps a more accurate word). I realise it's part of me, and it's what I value and I'm going to try and achieve it in our marriage. I don't want to live in questions and bewilderment and doubt and low self-worth, flying off like a crazed rocket and spiralling in depression when I feel my world threatened. Take care and good luck to you. Let me know if you want to chat privately further. Maybe we can help each other.
Author Anna68 Posted March 6, 2005 Author Posted March 6, 2005 I posted a few weeks ago. H was acting strangely and I found some emails he wrote to another woman. They were pretty tame - just asking for pictures saying she was beautiful, etc. I confronted him and he agreed to work on the marriage. And, for the most part it seemed to be going well. One thing disturbed me though, he immediately changed his passwords on the computer. It kept nagging at me that he was hiding something else. A few weeks went by and it was starting to keep me up at night. So, I did some more searching. I found that he had also joined a singles website and had posted pictures of himself. I confronted him again, and eventually got him to let me on his computer. I saw what he had posted on that site - saw his regular emails, etc. He said no one had ever responded to him. He seemed mortified that I could find out and would see what he had wrote to solicit other women. I'm disgusted and am wondering what else I'll find on my "searches". He's agreed to go to counseling with me - is taking me and the baby away for a week. He seems to be trying hard. I just can't shake the feeling that I found what was the tip of the proverbial iceberg. I think he's sincere that he wants to work things out or he would've reacted differently. I am on completely identifying with the whole rollercoaster sensation. Everytime he's away - be it to play tennis with friends or go shopping - I wonder what he's "really doing". I hate myself for being so suspious and am heartbroken. Although, I think he was completely surprised that I found what I did and is at least going to either stop it or become more stealthlike. I don't know at this point if I should just stop searching for this stuff and try to move forward - or that I should know what else, if anything, has gone on. I now have complete access to his computer and tried to get a keylogger installed, but failed. This all started, seemingly, right after our DS was born - a little less than a year ago. Like, just a few weeks after the birth. I feel like he hit me when I was most vulnerable as a woman. It really hurt reading that he enjoys "longer foreplay" when I couldn't get him to have sex with me for weeks, and that the women in his saved searches files were at least 10-15 years younger than I am. He also confessed to spending 30 minutes talking about sex to someone he met online who is in another city. He said he never spoke with her again after realizing he was stupidly crossing some lines. I really want to believe what he's telling me. He keeps wanting to focus on making things better and seems willing. I don't know if it's just the shock of finding this stuff or paranoia, but I just don't know where to go from here right now. I know we'll do counseling, but I'm almost afraid of what else I'll discover through that or my nightly raids. He has agreed to stop playing online games - where he met the phone call woman - and give me full access to his computer - and see a counselor. Owl, I've read through your posts. They were comforting to me.
Athena Posted March 7, 2005 Posted March 7, 2005 You ask if you overeacted? I don't think so. Personally, I wish I had given my H the consequences he deserved at the time, instead of only getting angry but immediately forgiving him his One Night Stand. You see, he didn't suffer from any consequences of his actions, so two years later he went on a binge of affairs...and I was in the dark about it for a few years. So, I think your H did catch a wake up from your reaction of wanting to move out (away from him and his behavior). And yes, I think your H needs to feel some pain, or discomfort, for choosing to do what he has done. His secretive emails to that girl, and his online solicitations, are a betrayal of your marriage. Don't forgive him too quickly. Make him earn your trust and respect. That way he will value what he has, and realize he is doing something wrong.
Ladyjane14 Posted March 7, 2005 Posted March 7, 2005 Misbehavior of a spouse on-line, whether it's internet games or interactive porn seems to be almost epidemic these days. I posted ALOT on another thread about this, so I'll give you the link rather than post it all again. Not everything on this thread will be pertinant to your particular situation, but I think it'll give you a general idea of how difficult it is to deal with the lies, as well as how addictive the behavior can become. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=57095 It's a stressful and difficult time of adjustment when you start a family. More than enough already on your plate, and then to have to deal with this. But I think you're doing all the right things so far. You just need to be aware that there might be serious set-backs before the two of you reach an understanding. Be prepared.
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