Author 54321 Posted May 16, 2014 Author Posted May 16, 2014 He is dealing with losing you and now you have to deal with losing him. I hope you listen to these opinions cause we are coming from the place your ex is at right now. Look up breadcrumbs on this site, you will see how every word from the dumper is analyzed and picked apart for a sign of hope that they will want us back. This is why we do no contact and this is why your ex is doing no contact. I felt like my ex told me I wasn't good enough, but hey, here's a scrap of my affection. Actually, I do appreciate it. It's only when there's exaggeration of my villainousness that I have to take it with a grain of salt. I was ready to spend my life with him and he threw that away several times without really noticing what he was doing and without being able to hear me even though I tried to get through to him. He crushed it even if he didn't mean to. I know I'm not a terrible person any more than he is. These things happen. But also if I already understood his point of view perfectly on my own, there would be no need to ask . . . so thanks everyone. I understand it would probably be taken inevitably as "you're not good enough," though to me it's "the relationship is not good enough." The dynamic of it is always shaped by two people at two very specific times in each of their lives, whether the person leaving you understands it that way or not. I love him anyway and I think he will do things I will admire, but I won't tell him that. It's sort of liberating to feel that without having to tell him. If (and it might be a remote possibility and I'm not counting on it at all) we have any chance to be together again, it's only by separating now and going our own ways. I don't want him to know that last part because it's nothing like a sure thing. I sometimes wondered if he really cared about me or just about being in a relationship with me. I thought that while we were still in it. I wish he could value me more than the form of the relationship like I value him more than the form of the relationship (even though I lost something I wanted too), but maybe he does, and maybe it's still too hard. Maybe he cares just as much, but to express it would hurt. If all the care about someone's life and someone's concerns can go out like a light because you don't get the parts you want, it makes me wonder what was really there in the first place. My caring about his life and concerns will probably never go away. I do want him to be happy, which is another thing I won't tell him.
Author 54321 Posted May 18, 2014 Author Posted May 18, 2014 (edited) I don't think anyone was going to reply to the original message and maybe I am sharing too much here anyway. I should stop doing that. I don't want to be identifiable with too many biographical details. I don't know how to delete the thread completely, though. Edited May 19, 2014 by 54321
KaliLove Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 You don't contact him..and that takes care of the not contacting him part.. Deleting him is the only way to go if you feel like you cannot control yourself. Then you won't know if he's online or not. You just broke his heart. Why would you want to hurt him more? I'm not saying your reasons for dumping him aren't valid, I'm sure they are, but that doesn't make it hurt any less for him. It would be incredibly selfish and cruel to contact him.
Breadimus Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 (edited) Excuse the typos. I can see that you were attracted to this man's masculinity, drive ambition and determination to succeed. When you first met him this is what captured your attention. Over time he lost this, he lost a father and probably has clinical depression. It is common in young men. I have it and I didn't deal with it, but now I am. You lost feelings for this man because he was acting different and lesser than the man you fell in love with. A common trait amongst younger men who have not fully found their identity. However whilst you and he were trying to find the spark, you only pointed the finger at him. Why did you not reflect on what made him want you? If you wanted the man you fell in love with, to help your lover get back to the old him and to overcome his grief so he can be that strong man you can build a life with, what were you doing? Were you being the sexy, beautiful woman that you are and were who thought that only man worthy of attention was him or were you nagging, blaming, criticising and acting like a person who thought you deserved better. There is a reason the west has richer or poorer, better or worst, sickness and in health in the vows of marriage. He failed you as much as you failed him. He does not want to have another friend. He has many if them. He does not want to be the orbiter that is there to make you happy, just because. He was playing champions league with you, you told him he was not good enough and are now offering the amateur league. He was not sitting there when he first met you and thought, 'I'm going to love that girl, have an incredibly time in bed and share my dreams with her and then after all that I'll be her friend, like all those other friends she has.' You told your best friend he was not good enough. Live with that and take a look at why you were not good enough either. You got to know him, until you knew him enough never to know him again. Edited May 19, 2014 by Breadimus
Els Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Sorry to hear about that, OP. It's difficult enough to keep the connection strong in LDRs, and even more so when you add grief and bereavement into the mix. That, along with other things you mention (him being depressed, afraid to make plans to close the distance, etc) makes it seem like the R just dissolved due to factors beyond either of your control. I don't think anyone should be blaming you for leaving. There were no family deaths in my LDR, but there were other pretty severe external circumstances that put a lot of pressure onto it, and onto us. The two combined made things very, very difficult. Fortunately we managed to work through it, in part due to the fact that we had a lucky break when we managed to close the distance after two years. But that doesn't change how incredibly difficult it was. I don't think you should try to contact him, but that's entirely up to your discretion.
Author 54321 Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 We're getting married. I just thought I'd mention it, because sometimes there really are happy endings. Thanks again for helping me think hard about the situation.
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