Why don't we see the signs?

[Babolat]

I like to say I got "lost" in the relationship in these cases. I got used to certain actions, behaviors, body language etc and forgot what was "nomral". Forgot who I was.

 

When I share what my marriage was like with my friends now, new and old, they all say "Why did you stay married?". Looking back I ask myself that same question many times.

[jt27]

I think when these "lines" are used it means there is another reason that they just don't want to say tbh.

 

 

They think they are doing us a favor by not being totally honest. If they were honest with my faults or why she doesn't want to be with me, at least I can learn from them. Funny thing though, I still see where I failed and am improving on them.

 

Amazing how a broken heart changes someone...for the better.

[Poppyolive]

This helps reading that it wasn't just me that had a nutbar ex with how he broke up. We were talking about wedding venues and ideas 12 hours before he said he's done.. That was it. "I'm done"

 

Searching for reasons and understanding is not worthwhile. If you know you were the best you can be, loved and communicated your best then what his/her reasons were are something within them. You'll be blue in the face to try to investigate.

[54321]

I've broken up with two people in a final sort of way. And I told the truth both times because I still cared about both of them and wanted it to make sense to them even though it was over. I think it's better that way even if it's painful. Of course one could tell the truth in a cruel sort of way, but I tried to be as kind about it as possible. The news itself is painful enough and I had no desire to be hurtful for the sake of being hurtful.

 

But you also have to realize the person who does the breaking up doesn't necessarily see the signs or want to see the signs either for awhile. That person believes it's still possible to work it out until he or she doesn't believe it anymore. In a relationship that is not abusive, signs aren't messages to you or intentional ways of hurting you. They're symptoms of a relationship that is falling ill or dying.

 

I am sure some people stay in relationships they are not happy with just because someone they like better hasn't come along yet. But even there, it's not necessarily always a conscious decision. It's sometimes hard to recognize all the signs until you meet someone you like better or could imagine yourself liking better. Unless it's a shallow or short-lived relationship, there is something wrong with it long before someone else comes along and even before either person in it is able or willing to see any of the signs.

 

But in the final analysis, being blind to the signs might not be what you actually regret. Behind that might be the belief that you could have changed things if you had seen the signs. That's possible, but sometimes seeing the approaching train wreck still won't stop it. Sometimes you aren't right for each other no matter how much you wish you were. So then the thing to regret is that it couldn't have worked out, which might make you ask why you imagined it could. But it's very hard to know ourselves that well, let alone another person, before experience teaches us. So you should forgive yourself for that too, even though doing so doesn't erase the pain.

[FredJones80]

This helps reading that it wasn't just me that had a nutbar ex with how he broke up. We were talking about wedding venues and ideas 12 hours before he said he's done.. That was it. "I'm done"

 

Searching for reasons and understanding is not worthwhile. If you know you were the best you can be, loved and communicated your best then what his/her reasons were are something within them. You'll be blue in the face to try to investigate.

 

Great post.

 

jt27 is like me a few weeks ago... or like me still now

 

Not always searching for answers, but trying to put together something that make sense because we are left with nothing. Just something to hold on to, a little bit of light so we can accept.

 

We'll never get the exact answer but we can at least try and understand some of the reasoning behind things. It's all we have left after all...

[FredJones80]

I've broken up with two people in a final sort of way. And I told the truth both times because I still cared about both of them and wanted it to make sense to them even though it was over. I think it's better that way even if it's painful. Of course one could tell the truth in a cruel sort of way, but I tried to be as kind about it as possible. The news itself is painful enough and I had no desire to be hurtful for the sake of being hurtful.

 

But you also have to realize the person who does the breaking up doesn't necessarily see the signs or want to see the signs either for awhile. That person believes it's still possible to work it out until he or she doesn't believe it anymore. In a relationship that is not abusive, signs aren't messages to you or intentional ways of hurting you. They're symptoms of a relationship that is falling ill or dying.

 

I am sure some people stay in relationships they are not happy with just because someone they like better hasn't come along yet. But even there, it's not necessarily always a conscious decision. It's sometimes hard to recognize all the signs until you meet someone you like better or could imagine yourself liking better. Unless it's a shallow or short-lived relationship, there is something wrong with it long before someone else comes along and even before either person in it is able or willing to see any of the signs.

 

But in the final analysis, being blind to the signs might not be what you actually regret. Behind that might be the belief that you could have changed things if you had seen the signs. That's possible, but sometimes seeing the approaching train wreck still won't stop it. Sometimes you aren't right for each other no matter how much you wish you were. So then the thing to regret is that it couldn't have worked out, which might make you ask why you imagined it could. But it's very hard to know ourselves that well, let alone another person, before experience teaches us. So you should forgive yourself for that too, even though doing so doesn't erase the pain.

 

I think your post is very very valid but I think what people (myself included) find had to grasp is when in the "dumpers" mind these things start niggling why something isn't said earlier giving some sort of chance to "work" on things.

 

No one said a relationship was easy, especially ones that have passed the honeymoon stage. This is why people say marriage is "work" because they aren't easy.

 

I know years ago more people stayed together unhappy but it is no coincidence that divorce rates are going up constantly. When is a relationship "dying" and when has someone chosen to stop "working" at it... I think that is a more difficult question.

[jt27]

Great post indeed 54321. Thank you.

 

being blind to the signs might not be what you actually regret. Behind that might be the belief that you could have changed things if you had seen the signs.

 

You very well could be spot on with this analysis. Like Fred said to me already, I am going through the regret stage right now. Thanks again for your support Fred

[somedude81]

There may have been signs that my ex was checking out. Though because of my inexperience and that she was my first GF, I didn't see them.

 

I will never forget how she broke up with me. Making plans to spend a few days at my place, bringing her big bag full of clothes and toiletries, and then giving me the break up talk an hour after she got here. Before we had our last conversation she knew she was going to dump me. Most likely even before she got into her car and left her house, she knew she was going to dump me. Hell, I'm sure she knew she was going to dump me when we were making the plans for her to come over.

 

So when your GF is actively lying to you, and trying to pretend that everything is OK, it's really hard to see those signs.

[FredJones80]

That person believes it's still possible to work it out until he or she doesn't believe it anymore. They're symptoms of a relationship that is falling ill or dying.

 

Another thing a lot of people find hard to grasp is in a relationship it takes TWO to "work it out" ... people feel a bit jaded when one is attempting to "work it out" themselves... in their head, perhaps for weeks. How can it be worked out if the other half is oblivious to what needs working out?

 

If something is falling ill, it can be attempted to be cured, but only if communication is clear and both parties are aware of what is at fault.

 

Otherwise personally I see it then as a choice of one to give up, which they are definitely entitled to, but without trying with the other half then it is choice.

[somedude81]

Wow, I just read all the posts here and there are some truly horrible stories.

 

Why are there so many cowards out there who pretend things are fine and lie to you, and then suddenly ending it without any warning?

 

It's disgusting.

[Elle1975]

Why don't we see the signs that our ex was pulling away from us? Do we choose to ignore them? Do we think we can change their mind? Are we just so blinded by love that we are just ignorant to them?

 

Looking back at my relationship, I can see now obvious signs she was checking out yet I wouldn't let go. I feel like a fool.

 

I remember walking with his best friend as he visited my store. I asked when we would drink at his house. He clearly hesitated and answered "when it gets into the 60s". Now I look back and my gut feeling that something was wrong.. was right. His best friend knew before I did.

[54321]

I think your post is very very valid but I think what people (myself included) find had to grasp is when in the "dumpers" mind these things start niggling why something isn't said earlier giving some sort of chance to "work" on things.

 

No one said a relationship was easy, especially ones that have passed the honeymoon stage. This is why people say marriage is "work" because they aren't easy.

 

I know years ago more people stayed together unhappy but it is no coincidence that divorce rates are going up constantly. When is a relationship "dying" and when has someone chosen to stop "working" at it... I think that is a more difficult question.

 

No one voices doubts immediately. The feelings may be fleeting and the consequences may not be. Or they could seem to come on suddenly and come as a major shock to the person who feels them. Voicing them is an enormous risk and could change things irreversibly. The very fact that it's hard to talk about them can make someone delay talking about them until it is too late or could make the decisions seem sudden. But it's also important to realize that every decision made by another person is sudden in a way because it's theirs, not yours.

 

However, it seems a little cruel or immature if the other person does not want to work at it at all. But then again, is it even worth it for you to work at it with someone who is cruel and immature? I guess the question then would be why you didn't see it sooner that this person is cruel and immature. There should have been signs of that, though those are not the kind of signs that are being discussed here. It's not great to be blind to these weaknesses in anyone you think you know well, though it's not a reflection of your own ultimate worth as a person if that's something you still need to learn. It's just that if they're willing to be cruel in that way, they're probably willing to be cruel in other ways to other people, and it's best to be aware that the person you are loving and supporting is out in the world taking your love and support as nourishment and then being cruel to other people in other ways.

 

I don't like to judge people hastily, though. There are probably circumstances in which it's not immature to break up with someone suddenly without trying to work on things, even though I haven't experienced that and don't know what those circumstances would be.

 

I guess I want to try to work on things to see if that . . . works. When working doesn't work for me anymore, when work is all that is left, then I know it's over. I don't know what hurts more, though. Is it better for the one who is heartbroken (or more heartbroken) to know you both tried and it still didn't work for one of you? Or is it better to know the person you were with was cruel or immature and unworthy of your love? Or is nothing better because it's still over either way?

[hotpotato]

My ex seemed distant and irritable. The last few days, I knew something was wrong.

Turns out he was irritable because he was courting someone else and didnt talk to me.

 

The entire time he was talking about how he wanted me to visit him.

 

I really dont get our exes. If youre not interested, why bother with gifts, sweet talk, etc?

[Zapbasket]

I know years ago more people stayed together unhappy but it is no coincidence that divorce rates are going up constantly. When is a relationship "dying" and when has someone chosen to stop "working" at it... I think that is a more difficult question.

 

Yes. And when is someone attributing their general internal malaise to their relationship / the other person rather than pausing to examine how their own attitudes, beliefs, history, etc. might be the real culprit.

 

That said, I admit I do self-examination to a fault. Meaning, I've stayed in relationships that clearly are not healthy for me because I spin my wheels trying to figure out what is "wrong."

 

Honestly, sometimes when I think about it it seems amazing anyone manages to stay married anymore. It seems there is always good reason to bail out of almost any relationship. I wonder what that says about our culture.

[Zapbasket]

I remember walking with his best friend as he visited my store. I asked when we would drink at his house. He clearly hesitated and answered "when it gets into the 60s". Now I look back and my gut feeling that something was wrong.. was right. His best friend knew before I did.

 

This made me feel sad.

 

I'm so sorry. It really makes you wonder why he (meaning, your ex) couldn't have said something to you as the notion of needing to leave you took shape in his mind. He was able to talk to his best friend about what was going on, but not you? Looking back, did you sense something was amiss between you and your partner or did he try to communicate his difficulties with you?

[Zapbasket]

But then again, is it even worth it for you to work at it with someone who is cruel and immature? I guess the question then would be why you didn't see it sooner that this person is cruel and immature. There should have been signs of that, though those are not the kind of signs that are being discussed here. It's not great to be blind to these weaknesses in anyone you think you know well, though it's not a reflection of your own ultimate worth as a person if that's something you still need to learn.

 

I thought all of my exes were fundamentally immature, and though it bugged me, I made endless excuses for them even while toward them, my patience eventually gave way to anger and then they could say that the problems in our relationship were due to "my anger." Their immaturity was especially evident in their inability to hear my many efforts to communicate to them what was bothering me about their behavior. When the efforts kept failing and they kept on doing the same behavior, that's when I'd start to lose my cool. And then instead of leaving, as many would have done, I'd stay but keep getting angry. Every guy used my anger and our fighting as the reason for exiting the relationship. Then I'm left feeling like "the bad guy" when they STILL have no idea how they contributed to the relationship's demise. I've always told myself that I can't expect anyone, really, to analyze motivations and their own behavior to the extent that I do (not that I don't have my blind spots. But see? There I go, equivocating and examining my behavior!). And I've told myself that men are generally less prone to introspection. So I've wound up with partners who aren't partners because they just blame me rather than ever pause to examine what they have brought to the table.

 

I've really been feeling like an idiot lately for this.

[BC1980]

There were signs along the way that I choose to spin or ignore.

 

I didn't see the actual breakup coming. We were supposed to be getting married that summer, and, when I've looked back, I'm still shocked at how happy he seemed for years about getting married. He would talk about it quite a bit. He put those thoughts in my head over the years, so it's been really hard to figure out what was real and what was fake. In a nutshell, he's not emotionally healthy, and that's all I need to know.

 

He did cruel things like buy me an engagement ring but not give it to me. Just crazy sh$t like that was happening regularly. Waxing on and on about how we were a family. Saying all the time how I was such a good mom to his child. You don't realize how bad it is until you leave because you've become so used to the behaviors.

[Elle1975]

This made me feel sad.

 

I'm so sorry. It really makes you wonder why he (meaning, your ex) couldn't have said something to you as the notion of needing to leave you took shape in his mind. He was able to talk to his best friend about what was going on, but not you? Looking back, did you sense something was amiss between you and your partner or did he try to communicate his difficulties with you?

 

Some things were clearly wrong. Sex was more often then not one sided, meaning I could tell he was thinking about his pleasure mostly. He didn't call as often and he sounded like a chore. Etc etc.. as the same time he made plans with me, like going to the shooting range. I did feel something was off too when a couple weeks before he greeted me at the restaurant with a kiss on the cheek.

 

Thing is, we often only look at the positive and ignore the red flags. The day he broke up the news to me, he maintained he had not know this before that very same weekend. I know and knew then he was lying.

 

Steve was very self centered yet very generous as well in the way he treated me. He's not greedy or cheap. Just self centered on his needs.

 

It just pains me to be the fool. To have been manipulated. He even said he was telling me know because he respected me. It was better now than in two years when he'd meet someone else. Because knowing he'd have cheated makes it all better. I am somewhat convinced he had someone else. Might be his ex, might be someone new. That day I had cleaned up his yard, as I love gardening, and he let me. I feel extremely stupid.

[Babolat]

Wow, I just read all the posts here and there are some truly horrible stories.

 

Why are there so many cowards out there who pretend things are fine and lie to you, and then suddenly ending it without any warning?

 

It's disgusting.

 

I would not say they are all cowards. I spent 12+ months with me ex gf, broke up, then 8 months later she asked to try again, and I tried. I wanted us to work as she has so many redeeming qualities and she had so many things I saw as amazing about her. That does not make me a coward. I was trying to compromise, and finally realized I could not.

 

Our last break up was my best break up ever. We met, we were both ready to have the talk, we did, we hugged, we kissed goodbye, and that was it. I felt wonderful.

 

I have learned a lot from that experience though and will handle things differently in the future.