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Is it right that 16 y/o stepdaughter be asked to spend an entire month with us?

Mapper71

By Mapper71
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Mapper71 Established Member

Mapper71

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The older my stepdaughter gets, the more of a social life she has. She lives 3 1/2 hours away from us and as things are now we get her every 3rd weekend and the entire month of August. However, at her age the last thing she wants to do is come up here for an entire month during the summer away from her friends, boyfriend, job (which is just babysitting for this one family, but still) and spend her days sitting in front of the tv while we are at work. She has no friends up here and gets very bored. I personally think that maybe she could come up for 10 days or so and that would be enough, but I know hubby will fight that tooth and nail as that is his month with her. He has been good about being lax with the every third weekend of having her and sometimes it's every 4th or 5th weekend if she has plans, although I know he hates it when she changes weekends on him because she has other plans.

 

Do you think that at 16 having her come up for an entire month should be enforced? I mean if she had an actual 9-5 Mon-Fri job, they would not want her to be gone from it an entire month.

Keenly Established Member

Keenly

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If she doesn't want to come.for.that long, but her father is going to basically force her because its HIS month

He is basically going to alienate her.

 

The very thing he thinks is going to bring them closer is going to push her away.

Teenagers do NOT want to be smothered by their parents.

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Mapper71 Established Member

Mapper71

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And the thing is when we do get her for just the weekend, which usually isn't even 48 hours, she ends up getting angry at him or bored out of her mind so the idea of having her here for a month is not my idea of fun.

SoleMate Established Member

SoleMate

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Forcing a teenager away from their full time job and all their friends for a full month during the summer seems like......teen torture. I'm sure your husband would not agree to the same for himself....i.e. he leaves his job and home for a month to spend time with her while she's busy during the day anyway.

 

I'd recommend a shorter stay, and would also ask if there can be some provision made for them to spend the day together. If she's just sitting in an empty house all day while he works, then watches as he come home and plops in front of the TV, that may be family life, but it's not quality time and not worth disrupting her routine.

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mammasita Established Member

mammasita

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Nope, he shouldn't force her - all that will do is make her resent him. I think he needs to sit down with her and have an "adult" discussion about what she would like to do.

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Mapper71 Established Member

Mapper71

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Nope, he shouldn't force her - all that will do is make her resent him. I think he needs to sit down with her and have an "adult" discussion about what she would like to do.

 

The problem is he thinks he rightly deserves this time with her since he has never been with her for more than 2 weeks her entire life after the age of 2. Hell he thinks she should live with us for a year! I just see the tension there when she visits for a weekend and I can imagine how many knockdown drag out arguments there are going to be if she is there for a month. She has much more in common with her Mom than she does with her dad.

mammasita Established Member

mammasita

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The problem is he thinks he rightly deserves this time with her since he has never been with her for more than 2 weeks her entire life after the age of 2. Hell he thinks she should live with us for a year! I just see the tension there when she visits for a weekend and I can imagine how many knockdown drag out arguments there are going to be if she is there for a month. She has much more in common with her Mom than she does with her dad.

 

He absolutely deserves his time with her, but she's not a 5 year old anymore and he needs to understand that.

 

Have you tried to discuss this with him while she's away?

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Mapper71 Established Member

Mapper71

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He absolutely deserves his time with her, but she's not a 5 year old anymore and he needs to understand that.

 

Have you tried to discuss this with him while she's away?

 

No because he would cut me off before I even got it out of my mouth and tell me that he DESERVES this and it's in the parenting plan. Problem is when she's here only for a weekend I see him on the computer, in the garage and taking a nap more than I see him hanging out with her so I just don't get why he is so adamant about having her here. I am the one who ends up with her and sometimes it just drives me batty!

2sunny Established Member

2sunny

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And the thing is when we do get her for just the weekend, which usually isn't even 48 hours, she ends up getting angry at him or bored out of her mind so the idea of having her here for a month is not my idea of fun.

 

You signed up for this when you married.

 

Stop thinking so much about how you feel and consider that the child doesn't have enough time with your spouse .

 

Your spouse should be utilizing these opportunities with her to spend time together! Since you don't like the child - stay away from her.

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Mapper71 Established Member

Mapper71

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You signed up for this when you married.

 

Stop thinking so much about how you feel and consider that the child doesn't have enough time with your spouse .

 

Your spouse should be utilizing these opportunities with her to spend time together! Since you don't like the child - stay away from her.

 

Yes you are the gazillionth person who has told me I signed up for this. I get it! Talk to other bitter stepmoms who feel the same way because there are a lot of them out there who just disengage from their stepkids and it does them a world of good! I didn't sign up to be the main parent but I can tell you I've spent way more time with her in 5 years than he has in 16 years! You are right! SHE doesn't have enough time with HIM but that's because SHE doesn't like spending time with HIM! He is always pushing her to do things she doesn't want to. And yes he SHOULD be utilizing time to spend with her but always seems to have other things to do like motorcycles and video games and naps and says we can just have "girl time" but it is the last thing I want!

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2sunny Established Member

2sunny

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And the thing is when we do get her for just the weekend, which usually isn't even 48 hours, she ends up getting angry at him or bored out of her mind so the idea of having her here for a month is not my idea of fun.

 

Yes you are the gazillionth person who has told me I signed up for this. I get it! Talk to other bitter stepmoms who feel the same way because there are a lot of them out there who just disengage from their stepkids and it does them a world of good! I didn't sign up to be the main parent but I can tell you I've spent way more time with her in 5 years than he has in 16 years! You are right! SHE doesn't have enough time with HIM but that's because SHE doesn't like spending time with HIM! He is always pushing her to do things she doesn't want to. And yes he SHOULD be utilizing time to spend with her but always seems to have other things to do like motorcycles and video games and naps and says we can just have "girl time" but it is the last thing I want!

 

A good parent leads by example - and he is obviously inefficient at doing what's best for the child.

 

It may be useful to call the exW and tell her that it doesn't help the D to visit.

 

Your H sounds selfish.

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amaysngrace Established Member

amaysngrace

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He should plan a vacation for all of you or just those two sometime in August.

 

He shouldn't be working the whole time his kid is there. That's just rude.

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Radu Established Member

Radu

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A good parent leads by example - and he is obviously inefficient at doing what's best for the child.

 

It may be useful to call the exW and tell her that it doesn't help the D to visit.

 

Your H sounds selfish.

 

Though her husband does sound selfish and looks at his daughter as an asset [or a pet], do you think it's a bad idea for the stepmom to do that ?

To go against her husband's parenting, to go behind his bad and 'tell' on him to the exW i have a suspicion he doesn't really like, to betray his trust like this ?

 

OP, this needs to be discussed with him ... do whatever you can to do it, because this goes on much deeper than the relationship between them.

If he won't back down from a full month, then he needs to learn how to make her empathise with his existence as her father, otherwise it will just push them against the other.

It takes understanding, and a selfless attitude during that month.

Tayla Established Member

Tayla

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And what no one has brought up is the custody agreement. If its written in the agreement that one month is delegated to the father, then guess what?? the kid has no say, and the Step mom has NO legal leg to stand on.

 

In a perfect world maybe the step mom who is loving, kind, and respecting of the father/daughter relations would find or plan some family time. Yet we are dealing with a family dynamic of an indifferent father and a step partner that is less then inspirational and endorsing.

 

In a perfect world the daughter would be welcomed and feel wanted, . as it stands I feel for this girl having to be with adults that exclude her more then include her.

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ASG Established Member

ASG

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My parents had a custody agreement, but when me and my brother became teenagers, the rules relaxed a bit when it came to weekends/holidays with my dad.

Even though he only lived about 30 minutes away, it still meant no plans with friends. And when you're 16, that is not really something you want.

 

So my dad relaxed on the having us. He would, instead, have dinner with us during the week or so.

 

I realise 3,5h means this is NOT an option.

 

But talk to your husband. Plan a holiday away (somewhere where there might be people her age) maybe? Other than that, I think your 10 day suggestion is very good. But the truth is, Tayla *is* right. And he does have the power to make her go... But at what cost???

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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What I think is the dad needs to adhere to the agreement if he doesn't want to lose rights. And I also think it's unfair to change plans and let her stay there if the mother may have plans herself and be looking forward to a break from kidsitting.

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

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I could go on about what he should do, but he isn't posting here and so that would be completely pointless.

 

As much as I wish he would plan out a productive summer of visiting colleges and camping and bonding with his 16 year old, I suppose it's better for her to come for a 10 day visit and be ignored and miserable than to come for a month and be ignored and miserable. Maybe the issue will force itself when she gets there and the poop hits the fan and he calls mom and ships her home early.

 

If he were prepared to actually devote time to her, then I would say absolutely, it is right to press the issue and ask her to spend the month. But if he's going to pass her off to you, and you don't want to spend time with her, it sounds pretty awful for her.

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Grumpybutfun Established Member

Grumpybutfun

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No, but your husband sounds clueless so I will just advise you. Stop worrying about and taking care of his kid. He ignores her and does his own thing because you do the work. You aren't a bad stepmother for being concerned. When she turns 18 she will get to do what she wants and she won't want to be with a dad who wanted quantity time instead of quality time. She comes, you are pleasant, he ignores her, she hates him. That is how it will go. He sounds like a sperm donor, stop doing his duty.

G

Edited by Grumpybutfun
littleplanet Established Member

littleplanet

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Her "life" is elsewhere.

Of course she's going to feel like she's landed on Mars.

 

This needs to be taken into consideration. How and why is it that she is not the "dutiful daughter" that he thinks she is? (wants her to be?)

Because that territory never got covered.

 

I tend to agree with Tayla here.

You have to look at just what kind of time she spends - and how much of a struggle it is for her, when visiting.

This sounds like another sort of emotional blackmailing......she's 'supposed' to enjoy the experience - obviously doesn't (for reasons that aren't that hard to understand.)

 

All this might be different if she were 10 years old.......but then, she wouldn't be cloistered on her own in front of the tv all day while the adults are at work, would she?

 

Personally - I think pops needs to come up with a new idea - how to spend quality time with his daughter - in a way that makes sense to them both.

turnera Established Member

turnera

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Is he going to take vacation during that month so he and she can do something together?

Chocolat Established Member

Chocolat

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This is a conversation for your step-daughter to have with her father. If you get in the middle of it, it will just appear that you are imposing your own desires into the situation.

SoleMate Established Member

SoleMate

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The pivotal person in this problem is not you, the stepM, or the daughter, or even the xW. It's your husband, the girl's father. He's a hands-off parent with no apparent empathy for his daughter, no desire to spend time with her having fun or getting closer or just being a family and shopping for groceries etc., AND he thinks it's appropriate to dump her on you for "girl time" which neither of you wants! If she needs/would benefit from any time at all in your household, it's DAD time!

 

I've never been in that exact situation....but I have been the hostess in a home where unwanted family members were visiting my then-husband, and he awkwardly ignored and failed to pay attention to, let alone cook and clean for and entertain, those guests (OK his semi-estranged mom), thus leaving me that role, because I can't be so rude as to ignore a guest or leave her to fend for herself for meals, activities etc. Hard to remember a more uncomfortable time. I was on the hook, and felt on the hook, and was exhausted emotionally by it. Wow, it's all coming back....just horrible......

 

It's important to remember that it's not the guest who's at fault for this dreadful situation, if they were invited....it's the person inviting them, or in your case demanding she visit, and then failing utterly in the role of a host, let alone the role of a father. :-( Your H is in the wrong. As his W, guess what, his wrong behavior falls heavily on your shoulders, to endure or to try to fix. Your work is 1:1 with him. Hopefully he has some seriously redeeming qualities because this is really @$$h0!e behavior.

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bubbaganoosh Established Member

bubbaganoosh

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Best thing for him to do is talk to his daughter. Get her in put.

 

I saw my daughter on a very very regular basis when my ex and I divorced and I got very used to her being with me on the weekends and then.....................she started to realize that there's something else out in the world besides dear old dad. You know like friends and boys and socializing in groups..................and boys.

 

Well it started with a phone call and asking if we can skip the weekend so she can attend a party or something like that and before I said anything that you sound like I'm whining about her not wanting to come over, I though about what it was like when I was a teen and the last thing I would want is to spend the whole weekend with my parents.

 

Music changes, fashions change and fads change but since the cave man days, teens never change. They want to spread their wings a bit and see whats out there.

 

All in all, talk to the daughter and she what she would like and if she doesn't want to spend a whole month bored out of her mind it doesn't mean that she doesn't love her dad any less, she a teen and he also should remember that he was one too.

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