mbee Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 (edited) I've been dating this guy for 7 weeks. Everything is going great, and when we are together I feel things are awesome. When I call, he picks up right away. Conversation comes easily, he's respectful, thoughtful, etc. However several things have bothered me and I don't feel he's that considerate of my feelings. Now he's made several requests of me since we started dating: let's take it slow, have space, etc. I've given him that, no problem, and he's happy with that. The problem is I'm not sure if it's returned. 1. He takes 24 -48 hours to respond to my texts. His responses are always thoughtful but he takes forever. He says he does this with everyone but seems to act like I should just tolerate it. It gets so bad where even when confirming plans for the day, he wont text me back. I'll need to send him another text, often 10 minutes before the date, reminding him to text me back to confirm meeting points and times. 2. He never calls me. When I call, he picks up straight away but he never calls me. I only call him twice a week, so it's not like he expects a call from me daily. I told him last time I saw him that I'd like him to call me sometime, and he just said "I know, you need to give me more time. It was only 2 days of not hearing from you before (since we went over 2 full days of not communicating)." 3. He is often late for dates by 15-20 minutes. This I can tolerate to some degree but our last date he had me wait an hour in the cold for him outside his place. He decided to go to the store before seeing me. He was doing something incredibly sweet, baking me my favorite dessert and decided to leave 20 minutes before I arrived to get an ingredient he forgot. He didn't anticipate traffic and there was and yep, stuck for an hour outside in the rain. And this was for my birthday celebration too! I'm just getting a bit frustrated. How do I bring this up to him respectfully? He's really great, seems very interested in me, but he has a huge issue regarding time. He's not oblivious. He's apologized in the past for taking a long time to reply but I have to be honest, this has been an issue since the beginning. Oh and he is late for other things. He was almost late to his Mother's Day dinner (I had to remind him to get going), he's been late to several events, his friend got mad at him in front of me one time for not confirming when they were leaving. So I don't think this is a specific to me, but still, I don't know how to bring it up or if I just need to keep tolerating this. Edited May 14, 2014 by mbee
ExpatInItaly Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 I've been dating this guy for 7 weeks. Everything is going great, and when we are together I feel things are awesome. When I call, he picks up right away. Conversation comes easily, he's respectful, thoughtful, etc. However several things have bothered me and I don't feel he's that considerate of my feelings. Now he's made several requests of me since we started dating: let's take it slow, have space, etc. I've given him that, no problem, and he's happy with that. The problem is I'm not sure if it's returned. 1. He takes 24 -48 hours to respond to my texts. His responses are always thoughtful but he takes forever. He says he does this with everyone but seems to act like I should just tolerate it. It gets so bad where even when confirming plans for the day, he wont text me back. I'll need to send him another text, often 10 minutes before the date, reminding him to text me back to confirm meeting points and times. 2. He never calls me. When I call, he picks up straight away but he never calls me. I only call him twice a week, so it's not like he expects a call from me daily. I told him last time I saw him that I'd like him to call me sometime, and he just said "I know, you need to give me more time. It was only 2 days of not hearing from you before (since we went over 2 full days of not communicating)." 3. He is often late for dates by 15-20 minutes. This I can tolerate to some degree but our last date he had me wait an hour in the cold for him outside his place. He decided to go to the store before seeing me. He was doing something incredibly sweet, baking me my favorite dessert and decided to leave 20 minutes before I arrived to get an ingredient he forgot. He didn't anticipate traffic and there was and yep, stuck for an hour outside in the rain. And this was for my birthday celebration too! I'm just getting a bit frustrated. How do I bring this up to him respectfully? He's really great, seems very interested in me, but he has a huge issue regarding time. He's not oblivious. He's apologized in the past for taking a long time to reply but I have to be honest, this has been an issue since the beginning. Oh and he is late for other things. He was almost late to his Mother's Day dinner (I had to remind him to get going), he's been late to several events, his friend got mad at him in front of me one time for not confirming when they were leaving. So I don't think this is a specific to me, but still, I don't know how to bring it up or if I just need to keep tolerating this. Honestly? I disagree with this. A guy who is very interested would not leave you hanging and wondering what the heck is going on. He would certainly not take up to two days to respond to a text. He wouldn't leave it entirely up to you to initiate contact. The fact that he's requesting space after just 7 weeks is not really a good sign and in my mind indicates that he's having doubts. It certainly isn't as though you're together 24/7 and that you cling to him, based on your description. What is he taking space from, exactly? I would take a step back and honestly re-evaluate whether or not you want to invest further in this. You shouldn't need to be the one chasing him around trying to confirm plans and wait for him to show up on dates. Just my two cents. 4
Author mbee Posted May 14, 2014 Author Posted May 14, 2014 Honestly? I disagree with this. A guy who is very interested would not leave you hanging and wondering what the heck is going on. He would certainly not take up to two days to respond to a text. He wouldn't leave it entirely up to you to initiate contact. The fact that he's requesting space after just 7 weeks is not really a good sign and in my mind indicates that he's having doubts. It certainly isn't as though you're together 24/7 and that you cling to him, based on your description. What is he taking space from, exactly? I would take a step back and honestly re-evaluate whether or not you want to invest further in this. You shouldn't need to be the one chasing him around trying to confirm plans and wait for him to show up on dates. Just my two cents. I appreciate your advice but I'm really not sure what to do. I do agree that 2 days to respond to a text is ridiculous. However, when we are together, everything is great. He does always pick up my calls. When I've wanted to talk about doubts (which has only occurred twice) he's immediately made time for me. The problem is when we are apart. He's just not that responsive and like I said, when he texts me, he's incredibly thoughtful and puts tons of effort into his response. He even sent me an email a week ago that was 1000 words to respond to something. If I get frustrated and give him a lackluster response, he immediately writes me back. I just feel like it's becoming a weird push-pull game when we are apart. I'd hate to end something that is great when we are actually together over the texting stuff and being late for dates. Nobody's perfect and I get that. But at the same time, I'm still unsure what to do. Oh and I do know he's confused about his feelings for me which is why I'm backing off. We do only see each other once a week now (it used to be more frequently) and I never send him multiple messages until he replies, but it's getting to the point where I'm just confused about where we stand.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 (edited) I appreciate your advice but I'm really not sure what to do. I do agree that 2 days to respond to a text is ridiculous. However, when we are together, everything is great. He does always pick up my calls. When I've wanted to talk about doubts (which has only occurred twice) he's immediately made time for me. The problem is when we are apart. He's just not that responsive and like I said, when he texts me, he's incredibly thoughtful and puts tons of effort into his response. He even sent me an email a week ago that was 1000 words to respond to something. If I get frustrated and give him a lackluster response, he immediately writes me back. I just feel like it's becoming a weird push-pull game when we are apart. I'd hate to end something that is great when we are actually together over the texting stuff and being late for dates. Nobody's perfect and I get that. But at the same time, I'm still unsure what to do. Oh and I do know he's confused about his feelings for me which is why I'm backing off. We do only see each other once a week now (it used to be more frequently) and I never send him multiple messages until he replies, but it's getting to the point where I'm just confused about where we stand. I stand by my original interpretation. He just isn't into you the way you are into him. I'm sorry, but confused and reducing contact after only 7 weeks? If he's not making much effort (and he isn't) that indicates where you stand. It seems that he isn't doing the pursuing here. In my experience, if a guy really is into me, he will make more of an attempt than this guy is. if he tells me he's not sure about his feelings and wants space from me, I take that two ways: he doesn't feel a spark OR he is dating others and still exploring those options. I think he likes you but not enough to make a commitment with you. In fact, if he told you he's confused, you already know that. Also, you say you'd hate to end something like this. But he is already pulling back. If you didn't call him, how long do you think it would take for him to get in touch? Edited May 14, 2014 by ExpatInItaly 1
Author mbee Posted May 14, 2014 Author Posted May 14, 2014 I stand by my original interpretation. He just isn't into you the way you are into him. I'm sorry, but confused and reducing contact after only 7 weeks? If he's not making much effort (and he isn't) that indicates where you stand. It seems that he isn't doing the pursuing here. In my experience, if a guy really is into me, he will make more of an attempt than this guy is. if he tells me he's not sure about his feelings and wants space from me, I take that two ways: he doesn't feel a spark OR he is dating others and still exploring those options. I think he likes you but not enough to make a commitment with you. In fact, if he told you he's confused, you already know that. Also, you say you'd hate to end something like this. But he is already pulling back. If you didn't call him, how long do you think it would take for him to get in touch? Well in that case, do I just go ahead and end this? I'm not even sure how to do this. I've never been in a situation where I ended things with someone I really liked and everything was going well (outside of this). I don't even know how to end it, especially considering I don't want to. By "how", I mean how to have this conversation with him.
soccerrprp Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 You don't want to end this. You think everything is fine except for the communication. SO, tell him, w/o any ambiguity, what you want from him. Tell him that you feel that his lazy communication style makes you feel that he is not really that into you. See how he responds to that. After that response, make a decision. If his efforts ramp up and remain consistent, then it may be worth continuing. If not, well, you know the answer to that.
PegNosePete Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 Yeah I'd do what soccer said. If he is late for a date (without giving you a reason and an ETA) then LEAVE. An hour in the rain for your birthday, that is an INSTA DUMP offence in my opinion. Asking for space and taking it slow definitely suggests he's juggling others.....
d0nnivain Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 You don't have to dump him for being stuck in traffic IF you knew where he was & why. If you were there wondering, get out now. One of the best things I ever read on LS was believe the bad stuff. So if he's saying go slow etc. assume he's not as fully committed to this as you are & proceed cautiously. Some people don't text. If the responses are thoughtful, try to be OK with that. Just because we have the technology to be instantly connected doesn't mean we're required to. In a calm moment tell him you would like it if he initiated a call once in a while. Make sure you are giving him the chance to. If you call every few hours he doesn't have the chance to miss you. See if he does. If he doesn't revisit how committed you believe he is.
FitChick Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 He doesn't like texting but picks up the phone if you call. Isn't the solution obvious? If you want him to initiate, don't call or text and see how long it takes him If he is always late for everything and everyone, either lie and tell him an earlier time to meet you even though you know it should be later, or just plan to be late yourself. Then you won't stress. I had a friend like that and once I changed my way of thinking, it never bothered me and she was never "late."
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