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he's 'hooking up' with her but still wants to hang out with me- trouble?

singhnatasha903

By singhnatasha903
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singhnatasha903 Member

singhnatasha903

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i posted about this guy, adam, id met recently when i moved to a new city and how his housemate, anne, kept saying they are dating and one time when i mentioned something about it he said he had no idea what im talking about.... now, so this is where we're at... he started coming by a lot and we were hanging a fair bit, lunches, drives, chilling at home and there was a lot of flirting involved.. and then yesterday we all went to dinner ( including his house mate who wasnt invited) and she was sulking the whole night, and whenever he wasn't around shed make clear insinuations to me about them hooking up. so when i had a minute with him alone i asked him if he was dating her, and hes like, "yeh we're hooking up but im not in love and i dont have a girlfriend".so i said, 'okay cool'. and i started keeping my distance. but he kept coming round every 5 or 10 minutes to talk to me. like i could feel her shooting daggers in my direction. in any case, I plan to keep my distance from him (which is going to be hard cause hes in the middle of landscaping my garden and this is a very small town), of what ive seen and know, if a guy is hooking up with you for a couple of months and doesnt admit to you being his girlfriend, youre probably never getting out of the friends with benefits zone, which is where anne is at. having said that, my instinct tells me to just not be a part of any of this s*hit and just stay away. what should i do?:confused::confused::confused:

CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

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You should distance yourself from him. He is a user and the other chick is only going to cause problems.

 

Do you want a guy as a boyfriend who treats women like this?

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Stay away. He told you he's sleeping with her. So do you want to date a man who is openly having sex with another girl? If it's ok for you, go forth. If it's not (and I sense it isn't) keep your distance and meet other guys.

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Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

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Oh gross.

 

Look, what he is doing is actually very cunning. He is acting all innocent and playing the " well we are not boyfriend and girlfriend card" so it seems like he is not doing anything wrong, "technically" speaking.

 

My young, less experience self thought it was "okay" for guys to sleep with whomever they wanted, as long as they were "honest"

 

Now I know better. First of all, it is NOT classy to want to date a girl when you live with another girl whom you hook up with. If he was a decent guy, he would find a girl he really liked and then stopped having sex with his housemate in order to get to know his date.

 

The second reason he really isn't showing himself to be a quality person is because poor Anne is clearly deluded and thinks she has a steak in this guy! When really, he clearly isn't that into her (guys who are into you don't go around telling other women that " they aren't in love with you or anything")

 

Anne clearly dislikes other women dating and/or hooking up with this man.

 

The dude is CLEARLY not 100% respectful and honest with Anne, he is obviously saying what she wants to hear about for her to continue to put out for him. OR she is naïve and this guy HAS been honest with her. Even if this is the case, the guy should KNOW better than to continue to hook up with a girl who is CLEARLY uncomfortable with him hooking up with others.

 

This guy doesn't care about Anna's feelings. He is disrespecting her by continuing to hook up with her and USE her repeatedly when it is OBVOUS she has feelings for him.

 

A NICE guy would break off a FWB once the girl caught feelings!

 

This guy just wants to take her for a whirl while he scouts for new talent! He doesn't CARE how Anne would feel about this, all he cares about is HIMSELF.

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PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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Why on earth would you date someone who is banging his housemate?

You need to work on your people picker!

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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You can't control people's past but she seems to be his present.

 

Whether you agree with their FWB status or not, even if he's trying to sever that aspect of their interactions, he's not being very kind to her, he's throwing you in her face & she's waaaaayyyyy to close for my comfort.

 

Listen to your better angels & walk away to find a man who is truly free to date you.

Chocolat Established Member

Chocolat

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Didn't we address this already in your other post?

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singhnatasha903 Member

singhnatasha903

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Didn't we address this already in your other post?

 

hi yes we did which is why i started this thread with "....i posted about this guy adam...", but the previous posts situation heading didn't seem relevant anymore and the situation is now different since its all out in the open now.

 

yes i hear you guys and thanks for you comments, it has just re-enforced exactly what i was thinking- which is to stay away.

 

i almost feel bad for the girl, but then shes being a fool for being in this situation. in public he doesnt even sit next to her, or hold her hand or even talk to her much. so i found out that she was crushing on him and they were hooking up, and then his housemate left and she decided to move in as his new 'housemate'- i guess this FWB thing worked out perfectly for him. but i think in her head she probably moved thinking they would be in a relationship. this was about 2.5 months ago...

 

i think hes made it clear its just FWB and she was playing along, biding her time. but now evidently hes starting to see it isnt just FWB in her head because shes getting super possessive. i mean his body language in public says it all- no affection at all. just a friendly vibe.

 

its really all on him now. yes correctly a guy should do either one of the two things :

 

commit to the girl (in this case i dont see that happening because frankly if it had to happen, it would have by now)

 

OR

 

end the FWB with the girl... im not sure how thats going to play out considering she lives with him.

 

in any case. i dont really care about him and her. i care about me. and i have way more self respect than she does, so im just going to be super normal with him when it comes to work or if i meet him around, and just cut out the flirting. if he asks, then il let him know im not interested as long as he's with anne.

 

its becoming a cycle. he hangs out with me. she gets possessive and starts harrowing him- he starts staying away from her even more.

 

what he does now will show what character he has, if any.

Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

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Here is what he will do if he is really into you.

 

- he will ask you and Anna to sit down together, where he will explain that he is really keen to get to know you better, and he wants Anna to comprehend that and say that she WILL respect his intentions of dating YOU.

- he will explain that " I know it will be hard to trust me when I am living with a girl I was previously..PREVIOUSLY banging, but I really like you and want to date you/get to know you better. I want to get to know you properly, I don't want to bang other women while doing it"

 

THAT is what I would do if I were in this guys position! And nothing short of that!

 

When I REALLY like a guy, I will try pretty hard to prove myself and my intentions.

 

If I was sleeping with a roommate and I wanted to date a new guy, I would be upfront with the guy and explain that I really like him and want to get to know him and I have ZERO interest in hooking up with ANY other men while I date him. I would then urge him to sit down with me and the roomie so the roomie could reassure my date that " look I know it is weird but I am really happy for Leigh to date and I want her to be happy, I respect that you're dating her and I wont cross the line, sorry things started out this way"

 

If I like a guy, I do what it takes to garner their trust.

 

If I like a guy, I also don't bang other guys.

Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

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hi yes we did which is why i started this thread with "....i posted about this guy adam...", but the previous posts situation heading didn't seem relevant anymore and the situation is now different since its all out in the open now.

 

yes i hear you guys and thanks for you comments, it has just re-enforced exactly what i was thinking- which is to stay away.

 

i almost feel bad for the girl, but then shes being a fool for being in this situation. in public he doesnt even sit next to her, or hold her hand or even talk to her much. so i found out that she was crushing on him and they were hooking up, and then his housemate left and she decided to move in as his new 'housemate'- i guess this FWB thing worked out perfectly for him. but i think in her head she probably moved thinking they would be in a relationship. this was about 2.5 months ago...

 

i think hes made it clear its just FWB and she was playing along, biding her time. but now evidently hes starting to see it isnt just FWB in her head because shes getting super possessive. i mean his body language in public says it all- no affection at all. just a friendly vibe.

 

its really all on him now. yes correctly a guy should do either one of the two things :

 

commit to the girl (in this case i dont see that happening because frankly if it had to happen, it would have by now)

 

OR

 

end the FWB with the girl... im not sure how thats going to play out considering she lives with him.

 

in any case. i dont really care about him and her. i care about me. and i have way more self respect than she does, so im just going to be super normal with him when it comes to work or if i meet him around, and just cut out the flirting. if he asks, then il let him know im not interested as long as he's with anne.

 

its becoming a cycle. he hangs out with me. she gets possessive and starts harrowing him- he starts staying away from her even more.

 

what he does now will show what character he has, if any.

 

 

Ah good, you sound like you actually respect yourself unlike the poor FWB girl:(

 

It is sad the way she is crushing on/getting possessive about a dude who purely regards her as a FWB.

 

Within 2.5 I know I want the man I am crushing on to treat me well, call.text me daily, hold my hand in public, introduce me to his friends and family as his new "girlfriend", and be falling in love with me..

 

It must be miserable for this girl to be in public with a guy she is longing for, only for him to not show her any affection whatsoever.

 

Sad.

 

If anything, I would perhaps try to ditch this loser as a friend even and keep things professional at work, and to actually be friend this girl and try to be there for support.

 

It sounds like this girl needs more help than you do. You evidently would never hand yourself over to a jerk like this who uses girls for sex until he finds a girl he likes enough.

Chocolat Established Member

Chocolat

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hi yes we did which is why i started this thread with "....i posted about this guy adam...", but the previous posts situation heading didn't seem relevant anymore and the situation is now different since its all out in the open now.

 

Nothing has changed except that what was obvious but unstated before is now out in the open.

 

There is no future for you with this guy that will not involve deceit, heart-ache, and drama.

FitChick Established Member

FitChick

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Tell him you will consider dating him when he moves out or kicks her out and gets a male housemate.

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singhnatasha903 Member

singhnatasha903

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Thank you guys, and yes I agree Leigh. So yesterday he texted me saying he needs to swing by for some work, I said sure, but he didn't follow through. I was having a get together at my house later, and he had invited a couple if his friends too. His friends get to my house and tell me he isn't coming :// so I sent him a text saying it's a little screwed up you didn't bother telling me you aren't coming and it's best we keep out equation to work from here on... To which he never replied. I think he's a very strange guy who needs to sort his head out. In any case, I'm find being involved with the situation!! Going to totally go cold turkey, the landscaping next phase only needs to begin in 2 weeks so by then my head will be clearer also and I can get in touch with him based only on work. I had a question though, he'd asked my help on a company as and I had made a super stunning design as a favor. I shouldn't send it to him right? He doesn't deserve it I think

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singhnatasha903 Member

singhnatasha903

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An advertisement (ad not as) iphone autocorrect typo ://

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Thank you guys, and yes I agree Leigh. So yesterday he texted me saying he needs to swing by for some work, I said sure, but he didn't follow through. I was having a get together at my house later, and he had invited a couple if his friends too. His friends get to my house and tell me he isn't coming :// so I sent him a text saying it's a little screwed up you didn't bother telling me you aren't coming and it's best we keep out equation to work from here on... To which he never replied. I think he's a very strange guy who needs to sort his head out. In any case, I'm find being involved with the situation!! Going to totally go cold turkey, the landscaping next phase only needs to begin in 2 weeks so by then my head will be clearer also and I can get in touch with him based only on work. I had a question though, he'd asked my help on a company as and I had made a super stunning design as a favor. I shouldn't send it to him right? He doesn't deserve it I think

 

Absolutely not. He didn't give you the time of day, and now he wants a favour? I don't think so. Follow your instinct and cut contact. He is not someone you want in your life.

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singhnatasha903 Member

singhnatasha903

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Thanks :) spot on.

Assasda Established Member

Assasda

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Hahahaha, the thing is you still like this guy.

 

And this guy is doing nothing wrong. He hasnt disrespected you, and he's been honest with.

My guess is after youre done testing him, you'll get with him.

All you need to know is if he wants to be romantically & physically involved with his housemate.

 

If you dont get with this guy, it doesnt seem like he'll care in the long run.

Youre the one stressing over it.

 

I personally dont think it strange that you have feelings for the guy, you just have to be mature about it, and go about it the right way

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singhnatasha903 Member

singhnatasha903

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of course i like him. we have insane amounts of things in common and we just have a lot of fun together... im not sure how i can go about this in any way! because fact is fact at the end of the day, he is living with this girl and pretty much sharing her bed! nothing can really go anywhere unless thats done with. i spoke to him a bit ago, he called and we had a little argument about him falling off the planet the other night. he said hed passed out on the couch. and then he apologised and said hed be careful in the future...

 

in any case, im thinking i should let it be for now. if he wants to make a plan with me, he knows where im at right...i dont think i should be the one pursuing this especially because there is such a lot of complication on his end. time is the best thing i feel in certain situations. i dont think she is really relevant to the picture because i really dont think they are going to end up in a committed relationship- but at the same time- if he wants me or wants to have anything to do with me, id say he has to step up to the plate and do something about it.

Assasda Established Member

Assasda

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Think of the fact that if you step out of his life, he might just get into a committed relationship with someone else, besides his roommate.

then, there you are.

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singhnatasha903 Member

singhnatasha903

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yeh but theres a fine line between being present and being pushy. the way i see it, he didnt end up coming to my last party, he should make the move to make a plan for the next time we hang out.

Chocolat Established Member

Chocolat

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i almost feel bad for the girl, but then shes being a fool for being in this situation. in public he doesnt even sit next to her, or hold her hand or even talk to her much. so i found out that she was crushing on him and they were hooking up, and then his housemate left and she decided to move in as his new 'housemate'- i guess this FWB thing worked out perfectly for him. but i think in her head she probably moved thinking they would be in a relationship. this was about 2.5 months ago...

 

i think hes made it clear its just FWB and she was playing along, biding her time. but now evidently hes starting to see it isnt just FWB in her head because shes getting super possessive. i mean his body language in public says it all- no affection at all. just a friendly vibe.

 

If this is true and not just your way of rationalizing his actions, then why would you want to be next to receive this sort of treatment? Unless you think she deserves it because she's a "fool," and it won't happen to you. Seems you are already on her path...

 

Regardless what his relationship is with the roommate -- girlfriend or FWB -- he appears to be stringing her along and now wants to do the same with you. He flakes out on dates and doesn't act with integrity or transparency. What's the draw?

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singhnatasha903 Member

singhnatasha903

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yes but i suppose just cause a man has one kind of relationship with one girl doesnt mean he will have the same with another... with men it depends on what you make of your equation with them.

 

if a girl- despite being told clearly shes just a friend with benefits- agrees to that arrangement and moves in with the guy, why wouldnt he hook up with her?..

 

but id never do that, i wouldnt even let him touch me until she was out of the picture totally and he was willing to make a serious commitment with me. yes SHE is being a fool because id never put myself in that situation. pretending to be okay with FWB in the hopes that itl become something else.

 

in any case, i do really like him. the draw is that he is super fun, and as i mentioned we love so many of the same things and can make each other laugh. conversation never runs dry. he's intelligent, and we switch from intense conversations about world politics just as easily to star wars! he's usually not very adventurous, or spontaneous, but he's been making an effort to follow through with fun crazy plans when we are together.

 

its so confusing because none of that matters long as shes in the picture. now shes quitting her job to start freelancing so she can stay at home all day ://

 

ugh i hate being in this spot. especially cause there is nothing i can do!! except just do nothing!!

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singhnatasha903 Member

singhnatasha903

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after a lot of thought, im leaning back.

 

if he wants to see me he can make the effort

if he wants to take me outhe can stop hooking up with his housemate

if he wants this to work, hed better make the effort

 

im not making any plans or sending a single text / phonecall his way. lets see where we're at in a few days.

Chocolat Established Member

Chocolat

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yes but i suppose just cause a man has one kind of relationship with one girl doesnt mean he will have the same with another... with men it depends on what you make of your equation with them.

 

Character is what we show when no one is looking.

 

if a girl- despite being told clearly shes just a friend with benefits- agrees to that arrangement and moves in with the guy, why wouldnt he hook up with her?..

 

You're rationalizing. How do you know what he has told her?

 

but id never do that, i wouldnt even let him touch me until she was out of the picture totally and he was willing to make a serious commitment with me.

 

His character will still be his character. He can tell you whatever you want to hear. Doesn't mean he will act differently.

 

I see more threads and drama in your future...

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singhnatasha903 Member

singhnatasha903

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i know thats what hes told her because of how he behaves with her in public and thefact that any reference she makes to their 'relationship' is when he's out of ear shot.

im not trying to make excuses for him. im just saying i really like this guy. but regardless of how i feel, im anyway taking a back seat on this and heres his chance to show he's made of better stuff.

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