LucreziaBorgia Posted February 19, 2005 Posted February 19, 2005 It sounds like this girl is used to having her needs met without having to meet any else's needs in turn. She let the ball drop on the intimacy side of things, and when you took matters into your own hands she got angry. Angry that you were touching yourself? Nah, I expect she felt a bit guilty for not being able to meet your intimacy needs, but wanted to know that your feelings for her outweighed your need for sex. By meeting your own needs, in her mind you showed her that you do need sex and that you are capable of meeting your sexual needs without her. I'm sure for her a perfect relationship would be one where you hold her, comfort her, date her, tell her you love her, and show you that you love her, and that she's so much better than 'nasty old sex' - so much better, in fact - that you choose your love for her over your need for sex. I know, its pretty twisted and makes no sense to a lot of people, but there are people out there who cannot reconcile sex with love, and they expect when the sex finally disappears that the love will outgrow the sex and things will still be wonderful. Sex for them becomes a chore, and it will be done reluctantly - and resentfully if at all. It causes the person a lot of guilt (which is manifested in anger), because they know that their partners have sexual needs, but they prioritize their own needs over their partner's. She needs you, no doubt about it. But does she 'love' you in the truest sense? It sounds like she 'needs' you, but only on her terms and conditions - and should you overstep those terms or conditions the emotional blackmail will start. She is telling you that you can see other people - but she is going to hold it against you if you do. You'll find that your "friend" isn't really your friend after all as soon as you start seeing other people. She'll relent, do whatever drastic measures it takes to get your attention (like this car accident - having worked for a rescue squad for a while some years back - I can tell you, if it was a life threatening accident, she would have gone to the hospital right away). I'm sure she was hurt and shaken up, but you can bet it acts as a handy way to manipulate your emotions as well - given the nature of how she's handling it: she's making sure you feel maximum guilt and fright at the idea of her being hurt. If she cared truly about your feelings, she wouldn't be playing the 'suspense' game by keeping you out of the know like this. If you want to put your mind at ease, call the hospital and see if she is actually there. If not, call her house and speak to her mom about it. If you want to get back with her, you'll need to make it clear that you have needs in this relationship, and it isn't fair for her to punish you for having those natural needs. You will also want to discuss privacy and boundaries. She is going to have to understand that its not all about her and having her needs met. If you want to be 'just friends' then you'll have to back up - give yourself some firm, solid NC cool-off time to get your heart back in objective order, and then go back to 'friends' when your heart is a little more patched up and less susceptible to manipulation. You kind of have to wonder what the motivation for your friendship is - is it a true desire to be 'just friends' or is it serving as a 'stand-in' for what you really want, and a way for her to manipulate your way back into the relationship under her terms? You'll need to figure that out on your own though.
Author shadowsfall Posted February 20, 2005 Author Posted February 20, 2005 Wow thank you for the responses! I agree as bad as it might sound, that she may be manipulating me with the accident. I've called her and have gotten her Voicemail everytime. I've called her mom and got the same result. I don't know what they are doing???? Should I maybe stop by her work and see if she's there? Of course, maybe it's not that bad and she's using this to manipulate you. It would almost make sense to say that she is using this to her advantage in order for me to chase after her AGAIN, because I haven't been these last couple weeks, and I think she misses it. I don't understand why she won't call me back now, because everything before the accident was going great with us??? Maybe she is just really shaken up and needs sometime to recoup? Maybe she's just really emotional right now? I hope she's ok. Maybe after the accident she realized she didn't want to waste her time with me anymore???? That like you said Curly, maybe she realized life is too short??? But then again that might be a crazy thing to think. A lot of what you said makes sense Lucrezia and I appreciate your response. I think the relationship toward the end started to be based on her terms. I also feel their was a lot of resentment from her toward me about sex. She started making me feel bad about the fact that I have sexual needs. I don't really know if I can tolerate being with someone who's so intolerant anymore. Like you said, why should I be punished for my own natural needs?? Their is probably someone somewhere, who would love to cater to my needs, and who is mature enough to talk about problems we encounter instead of pushing them to the background. If she cared truly about your feelings, she wouldn't be playing the 'suspense' game by keeping you out of the know like this I think this is another demonstration of how immature she is. I think like you said that she may be wanting me to feel guilt over this. Anyway as far as the relationship goes I do think she took offense to the fact that I could satisfy myself and she was trying to punish me for that. She seems to always want the upper hand in the relationship. She always wants to be the one pursued or who's ass needs to be kissed. Before this accident though I was the one being pursued... What happened???? Thank you, Justin
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 21, 2005 Posted February 21, 2005 Originally posted by shadowsfall Should I maybe stop by her work and see if she's there? It would do good to ease your mind to know that she's at least up and about. If she's playing some game and trying to 'punish' you with avoidance and uncertainty after the accident, though - maybe you can try and confirm it from a distance. Ask mutual friends if they've seen her. You can express concern, but you want to err on the side of caution. Sometimes people who play emotional games aren't above twisting the truth to make a concerned ex look like an "abusive stalker". If you feel comfortable with it though, maybe you could track down Mom and see how she's doing and inquire through Mom? If you are really sure about it, you can go to the gf's work and see how she's doing. Be careful though.
CurlyIam Posted February 21, 2005 Posted February 21, 2005 I tink you're killing yourself with questions. Go there and see for yourself? You'll be able to tell in no time if she was making it only to "get you". don't know if it ever happenend to you, but did you ever really really really need your friends around you because you were really low? this could be one of those times for her. Has NOTHING to do with your relationship, but with being there for eachother, as a friend. You can continue with your insecurities and maybe lose a frend forever. Or you can actually go there, risk being taken for a fool but actually showing faith, concern... I don't know... friendship? I hope you're not one of those guys who stick around a girl only if she can be their gf. if not, he just wants out... Relationships are suppossed to be much more than that.
LittleMiss Posted February 21, 2005 Posted February 21, 2005 My boyfriend has done this before, and I had no problem with it. I think your gf is overreacting. I kinda get turned on when my bf does it and he doesn't know that I'm awake. I know he's doing it because he was turned on by me and that's ok. It's not like you were watching hard core porn and wacking off while she was sleeping.
Author shadowsfall Posted February 22, 2005 Author Posted February 22, 2005 I don't know now... I'm starting to think the work visit may be a little too strong of an approach. But I definitely don't want to just sit back and relax. I've tried to contact her mother but I haven't had much luck, her phone keeps ringing and ringing to voicemail like my ex's. The sad part is I live literally right across the street from her, no more than 200yds, but I don't feel right about going over there for some reason. I think I'm still embarrassed that her mom knows about the incident, and it seems like her mom is mad at me or something. Normally she would answer my calls and talk to me, but after the incident I've tried to call her twice and both times I just got the voicemail. I know I'm killing myself with questions here but I just have no clue what is going on. I realize the only way to find out would either be to go to her house or to her work, but I didn't really want to do that. I do want to be there for her, but not if she doesn't want me to be and i'm getting the impression maybe she doesn't. And I may not be losing much by paying her a visit, but I'm seriously terrified for some reason. Like you said Lucrezia I wish there was a way I could find out from a distance, however we share no common friends unless you count her mom, who won't seem to talk to me either. -Justin
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