End of a 10 year relationship... Care for ex but she "hates" me

[zooyorkcity]

Background:

My ex and I met when we were young and dated for 10+ years. I am now 30 and she is 27 and we lived together for about 7 years/she lost her virginity to me. In April of 2013, she broke up with me and I was truly heartbroken. She initiated this break up and said that I was not affectionate enough and that she loved me but was no longer "in love" with me. The passion was gone, etc... I tried to change to be more passionate and tried my best to rekindle the flames but in the end, it was just not the same. At the same time, I quit my job and worked for myself so I had to dedicate a lot of time to work and didn;t have much time for her. I wanted to even see a relationship counselor but she didn't want to. She started to pack her things to move out and then stopped because she was a bit financially dependent on me and had nowhere to really go as she didn't want to move back home. I tried to ignore the fact that we were technically broken up and we continued to sleep together in the same bed (even occasional sex) and it was definitely a strange/unhealthy time for almost a full year we kind of acted like it was normal but it was brought up by her again that we were still broken up every now and then. She seemed to be constantly get mad at everything I do near the end and I felt like I was walking on egg shells with her. At the same time, she would still show me affection and act like we were still together and it was just a really confusing time for me over the last year. I tried to bring up to her the situation many times near the end and she always changed the subject or didn't want to talk about it.

 

Almost a full year later, I still did not see other people because I wanted to be with her and win her back. One night, I ended up getting drunk and hooking up with an old friend who also broke up w/ her bf (long term relationship as well.) All we did was make out but that was the only other girl I kissed in over 10+ years so I had this strong feeling of guilt come over me even though I was technically broken up. I went home and I couldn't sleep and just felt extremely guilty as my ex and I still slept in the same bed. (I realize this is a pretty bizarre situation as I'm typing this.) Then, shortly after I went on a date with another girl that I had met months before but never called out of respect to my ex. All of this was building a lot of guilt on my part as I never told my ex. Would this be considered cheating if we were technically broken up?

 

I thought really hard about it and realized the fact that I would even hook up w/ someone else meant that our relationship was definitely 100% over and I had to do something about the current situation as it would be wrong to still live together in this scenario. I decided to move out of my apartment and get a sublet for a few months as my ex saved some money to move out. I looked at it as an official "break" even though our title was already "broken up." Originally, I was hoping that this break would give us both some time to clear our heads and in my heart I was hoping that we would still end up together somehow.

 

One thing led to another and I started seeing the girl I went on the date with more and more. I realized that I really liked her and kept thinking that it must be just this "rebound" factor that I haven't experienced in 10+ years since I'm now a newbie in the dating game. I tried to date some other girls and I just didn't see myself being with any of them (even though they may have been prettier.) Could I have been as lucky as to find someone else immediately after a long term relationship that was very compatible? Fast forward 3-4 months that girl is now my new girlfriend and I am very happy with her. My ex moved out back home and I moved back into my apartment.

 

Now, here comes my dilemma. I know that from my ex's point of view it seems that our 10+ year relationship meant nothing to me if I could just immediately find a new gf right away. It sucks because honestly, I think I got really lucky w/ finding someone else that worked. I really do still care for my ex and wish that we could be friendly but realize that could be close to impossible. Don't think we really ever had closure since...

 

My ex told me she hates me now because she thought we were just taking a break and hates seeing me when we have to switch over shared custody of our dog (oh yea, we have a dog together.) She said she hates seeing texts from me and every time I interact with her she has something sarcastic to say about my new girlfriend. By the way, I was honest with her and told her that I was seeing someone else within a month of moving out. I don't even know what I'm rambling on about anymore but basically it's just crazy to me that my ex and I can be strangers after so many years. I really do care for her still and I want the best for her but it's hard to get through to her as she has so much anger towards me. It really kills me. I never thought I would be in a situation like this. All our friends thought we were definitely getting married and everyone asked me why I didn't ask her but the truth was she told me she didn't want to.

 

Is the fact that I still care so much about what she thinks of me means that I'm not totally over her? 10 years is a long time (known her for 12 years) and it's not something so easy. My new gf had brought up the fact that she didn't want to be a rebound but I assured her that she was not just a rebound. I honestly enjoy being with her and we have so much more in common in the way we think and act versus my ex.

 

Any thoughts/recommendations on how to deal w/ my ex at this point? I honestly just want the best for her and I hate this tension/weird time. Could it be that my ex is not over me?

[Trep]

Neither of you are completely over each other and probably won't be for a while yet. 10 years is a long time, those feelings don't just disappear overnight.

 

You didn't do anything wrong. Your ex can't turn around after she said REPEATEDLY that the 2 of you are not together anymore FOR A WHOLE YEAR and then claim you were just on a break. She's just pissed off and jealous that you're moving on and she doesn't have you around as emotional support anymore.