Yoko72 Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 Hi... So.... 2 years ago I met a guy online. We had a few dates and when I started to like him he told me that he had no time for anything serious so things remained casual. We found that we had great sexual chemistry. It was awesome but eventually he met someone and began seeing her. I got pissed told him to go to hell and after a few weeks in a fit of loneliness I text him. He told me he didn't want to be that guy but in the same breath still wanted see me. So for the next two years we text almost daily and slept together occasionally, met for dinner, lunch, coffee breaks..etc It was hard at first because I knew that he was stilling seeing his gf but then I thought how serious could they possibly be if he still wanted to see me. They went on vacations together and he would text me in the cab on the way home from the airport. He would text me while on business trips. I desperately wanted a place in his life but all I ever saw was their relationship growing. I tried dating, working out anything I could do to have a life. I live in NYC and its very tough to make connections so he became my fallback guy. A week ago I found out he moved in with his gf. I was devastated. I confronted him and we sat and talked for a long time. He told me that he cared for me but he loved his girlfriend. He apologized for not letting me go sooner. He took all the responsibility and even tried to tell me that he was once in my situation. I guess he was trying to empathize. He even told me that I should get out there and date more. My girlfriends that know of the situation think he's scum bag. I agree but what no one understands is that this guy was there for me, even in the smallest of forms. No guy I tried dating ever stuck around long enough to get to know me. This guy did. Dating for me has always been difficult. Its been a week of NC and I'm sitting on my hands to avoid texting him. He says he wants to be friends but no way. This "relationship" has left me more insecure then ever. I feel passed over. I feel like I wasn't good enough. I feel jealous of his gf. I know its insane to look at it like this...but It's like she won the prize. I told him during our talk that I envy his gf because she will never know this side of him. She got the good and I got the worst. I'm just the stupid fool who allowed herself to be used. Sigh...thoughts? Words or wisdom?
RemainUnchanged Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 Hi... This "relationship" has left me more insecure then ever. I feel passed over. I feel like I wasn't good enough. I feel jealous of his gf. I know its insane to look at it like this...but It's like she won the prize. I told him during our talk that I envy his gf because she will never know this side of him. She got the good and I got the worst. I'm just the stupid fool who allowed herself to be used. Sigh...thoughts? Words or wisdom? so.. you consider an unfaithful boyfriend a prize? 7
ThatGirl213 Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 This dude basically used you for sex. In return he tried to be there for you. Manipulated you to think he cares for you. If he cared about you so much, why would he do this to you? I don't think he is any short of a douchebag. I feel sorry for his gf. He used to text you while he was on vacations with her. How sad is that for his gf!!! You should be happy you are not her. He wants to continue being friends only to get the kitty sometime again. Whatever is left of your self esteem and dignity, take it and leave this guy alone. It will hurt but eventually you will move on.
Charlie Harper Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 You are very good at sex..that is why he used you, I think in the future after getting married he will look for you. RUN AWAY don't look back... he is a major douche. (lying to both, so don't make illusions, both women here are being used)
ExpatInItaly Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 (edited) She won the prize? What in the fresh heck?! No, she most certainly didn't. She got a boyfriend who is a cheater and liar. She got a guy who has no problem using another woman for sex. Something tells me that if she found out about you, she would not consider her man a "prize." Please! In my books, she got the booby prize. YOU will actually come out on top. You were his side piece but now you will be free to date a man who wants you and only you, and wouldn't dream of taking another woman at the same time. The guy is a jerk, OP. EDIT: Also, you may want to consider posting this in the Infidelity/Other Man - Other Woman forum if you haven't already. You will likely find some good tips there on how to see this guy for who he really is, and avoid these situations in the future Edited May 14, 2014 by ExpatInItaly
PegNosePete Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 (edited) He told you exactly what kind of guy he is. He is the kind of guy who will cheat on his wife, will text other women from the cab on the way to a holiday with her. He hid nothing from you. He told you loud and clear, "hey I am a douchebag but will you still have sex with me?". You need to stop dating jerks, and find someone who will respect you. There are plenty of great guys out there but this ass clown is not one of them. Cut this idiot off, never speak to him again. Also you need to consider your own actions. There are plenty of nasty words for people who sleep with other people's boyfriends/husbands, I won't use them but lots of people will. Don't be that woman. Edited May 14, 2014 by PegNosePete
sunburned Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 Yoko, first of all I'm sorry you're hurting. But he was honest with you about exactly where you stood with him. I think you need some introspection as to why you were willing to settle for crumbs all this time. Ironically you're the lucky one because his GF probably doesn't know he's been cheating on her for two years, texting, talking and "occasionally" sleeping with another woman. I wouldn't be so sure she will "never know this side of him" nor would I be too quick to opine that she's "won the prize." There's a decent chance he'll cheat again. You are doing the right thing by having no contact with him. Give yourself some time to get over this broken relationship and then try to start dating again. Within this triangle, YOU are the lucky one. 1
jellybean89 Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 I agree with sunburned. Also try to figure out why you were okay with being his fling after he told you he met someone else and was dating them. It was hard at first because I knew that he was stilling seeing his gf but then I thought how serious could they possibly be if he still wanted to see me. Why would he give up a "sure thing" (you) when you were willing to settle for being an option? You aren't allowing any other 'dates' to get to know you - you are hyper focused on the OM and are filling your time with "dates" with others. You also could be trying to make the OM jealous by 'dating' others, even though you aren't really trying to find a connection with someone else. Living in NY is more of a positive than a negative with regards to finding someone to care about....there are millions of people there versus living in a small town of 1000 people. He didn't even tell you he moved in with his g/f -- you said you "found out" - that should be a HUGE RED FLAG for you -- he wasn't even being HONEST with you about the situation with her. STOP settling for being an option for an OM. You have nothing to be jealous of with regards to his g/f. This guy is not faithful, is not respectful and is not honest. He isn't worth any of your tears or sadness. Stop thinking of what you had with him as a 'relationship' because it wasn't..not in the real sense of a couple. He took advantage of you, he knew your cared deeply for him and he played you. The fact that he contacted you while on 'vacations' or whatever doesn't show he cared for you -- it shows what a pig he is and I hope his g/f finds out and kicks him to the curb. She deserves someone much better than a cheater. Just the same as you - you deserves someone who will make you a priority and want to be with you .. not someone who wants to have an affair with you.
Author Yoko72 Posted May 15, 2014 Author Posted May 15, 2014 Thank you sunburned and jellybean89.... I honestly hear and agree with everything your are saying. I needed to vent. I also needed a reminder of who he really is... a POS plain and simple. I shouldn't concern myself with petty jealousy. He treated ME like dirt and thats all that matters. Its been a week of NC. I'm taking it day by day. I just want this nonsense behind me. Thanks again!!
movingon45 Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 I know it's hard to do but you can try deleting him from your contacts. That way you will not be tempted to contact him again.
travelbug1996 Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 you took a chance and gambled away your self respect. the moment someone else stepped in was the moment you should have walked. You tried to "win" but there was no prize.
Author Yoko72 Posted May 16, 2014 Author Posted May 16, 2014 Has anyone ever been addicted to checking up on their AP? I'm currently on 11 days of NC and I have to admit that I have been cheating by looking at his social media pages. I keeping telling myself that I'm only hurting myself in doing this but I can't stop. My story in a nutshell is that I was seeing an attached man. When we met he was single but essentially from day one I was always going to be the fallback girl with him. He never wanted anything serious however when he met another woman he still wanted to see me on the side. I was single, lonely and obviously pathetic. I allowed it to go on and after two years I broke things off. It's been difficult but I know I will get to the other side eventually. Today was not a good day and after a week I couldn't help myself so I wanted to check out his page. He's laughing and enjoying himself while I'm in agony. I know my situation is all my doing and for many people here I got exactly what deserved. As I try to deal with all this I guess I'm wondering if anyone else struggles with social media and what they do to help themselves.
RickFox Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 I have checked hers a few times, but I really try and resist doing it. Xmw on the other hand was apparently doing it quite often after she ended our thing, as I later found out. I suspect three years later she is still doing it even after I blocked her....I'm sure she uses an alternate page just to do it. Don't think I will ever understand why
snappytomcat Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 im sorry you are going through this. I know for me after I found out about my husbands affair,i did check the xow fb page I did this for about 2 months,its normal I think but it does you no good,i know for me I would be having an ok day,then I would go to her fb,and just look at her,i would go from ok to hysterical. and she had no pics of my hubby,all I had to do was look at her and it would send me into a tail spin. one day I woke up and said that's it,im not ever looking at her fb page again,i don't care anything about her,or want to know anything about her,for the first 2 weeks was hard but then it got easier,and now its been about 8 months since ive looked,and I could care less your just hurting yourself by looking,when you get the urge to look go do something else,pet the cat,walk the dog,call a friend,go to gym anything to get your mind off of them,dont give him any more power over your life move on,be strong you can do it! 2
Author Yoko72 Posted May 16, 2014 Author Posted May 16, 2014 Ha! I'm sorry but I have to laugh. I think women are just natural snoops. I totally lack self control.. Ugh!
whichwayisup Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 When you decide to totally stop lurking his social media will be the day you totally begin your healing process. It's up to you to know when you've had enough pain of stalking his page, seeing that he's gone on with his life. I hope that day comes soon because wasting time on someone who didn't choose you is only doing damage to yourself. 8
C00kie Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 Go easy on yourself. It's still early days so don't beat yourself up for checking up on him. It's only natural that you feel the urge to take a peak. However, try to fight it as much as you can so that it becomes less and less regular, and give yourself the chance to realise that there are better things you can do with your time, for yourself. I still check his facebook page once in a while, out of curiosity. But before I was always nervous and anxious while doing so...now it's more "natural snooping" if one can say so. As I would do with a co-worker, or a neighbour or just about anyone. In fact, a lot of times I see things (xMM related) that definitely validade my decision to break up with him. It doesn't happen overnight, but the need to stalk him will eventually fade away...trust me, it takes time but you'll get to a point where it won't matter much anymore...sometimes you will even forget to do so. But when you do, many times you'll find yourself thinking how pathetic he really is and feel relieved to have your life and freedom back. Wish you the best! 1
QuakerOats Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 Checking an ex's public social media isn't cyber stalking. Cyber stalking is a much more serious issue. That said, as you already know, checking in on the Ex will only keep your fixation alive. I went through periods of looking at the exMM's fb page and sometimes his wife's. Funny thing is...it was totally unexciting but I'd read into EVERYTHING. I had to remind myself: whatever I saw, be it husband and wife declaring undying love, or boring phots...it didn't matter because I was DONE. So, regardless of what he is doing, or pretending to be doing on social media...not relevant to my life. Try to cold turkey off this. I know it is hard, but it does keep you stuck. You'll move on faster after you let this go. 2
C00kie Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 I forgot to say that you can't really go by what you see on social media. People project the lives they would like to have, but it doesn't necessarily mean everything is true. It can leave you wondering and imagining things that may not even be real. And if they are...well, who cares, it doesn't interfere with your life anymore. Try not to waste your time on that. 4
PachucaSunrise Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 I'm right there with you on this. It's hard... SO HARD to fight the urge. It's been about two weeks of NC for me (something we didn't exactly agree on but more or less 'fell into'), and I'm having a hell of a time refraining from "checking up". I know it doesn't do me any good, in any way, but yet I still do it. It's pretty much become a daily ritual that I realize I need to break, like NOW. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. The last few days I've been doing my "check ups" just as I would regularly check my email or FB - it's become a habit, and a bad one at that. The craziest thing is that it's become such a routine that I don't even realize I'm doing it... Until I see his face. It's that last little piece of him that I'm still clinging to, and it's pathetic. I realize that I'm also sort of cheating on my NC, and even though I'm not reaching out to him, AT ALL, I'm still not doing myself any favors by obsessively checking the same damn things, over and over and over. It just sucks. I do have hope that there will come a day when I'll have enough strength to completely block him from my life in every way possible... I'm just not there yet, and I have no idea how/when I'll be able to get there. But just as I believe that day will come for me, I believe that day will come for you as well. It's incredibly hard work, but I know it can be done. We just gotta "keep swimming." Oh, and if you can't seem to fight that urge, always remember what Cookie said, pay no mind to social media portrayals. We can make ourselves out to be as happy and worry-free as we'd like others to see us. No one, aside from my closest friends, would have ANY idea I'm going through the sort of agony you described. I put up an excellent front, and I'm sure your guy does, too. Keep your head up. I'm learning that it DOES get somewhat better as every day passes (and with A LOT of positive self-talk). If only time could be fast-forwarded, right?! Just remember that you're certainly not alone. I'm fighting this battle tooth and nail as well. 3
gettingstronger Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 I never did , but that doesn't mean you should feel bad about doing it. Honestly, the thought of seeing our OWs face made me sick, so really was I any more strong than you, nope!
Ronnie33 Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 This is one of the hardest parts for me but I am really trying because I know it only hurts more when I do. The less you know and see the better but I know how hard it is not to. Once you get to a point where it hurts to much to look you won't.
Author Yoko72 Posted May 17, 2014 Author Posted May 17, 2014 Your absolutely right. I feel when I look at his pictures he's screaming look at me...I have a life. I mean clearly if there was so much love an devotion he and I would have never existed.
Author Yoko72 Posted May 17, 2014 Author Posted May 17, 2014 I'm right there with you on this. It's hard... SO HARD to fight the urge. It's been about two weeks of NC for me (something we didn't exactly agree on but more or less 'fell into'), and I'm having a hell of a time refraining from "checking up". I know it doesn't do me any good, in any way, but yet I still do it. It's pretty much become a daily ritual that I realize I need to break, like NOW. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. The last few days I've been doing my "check ups" just as I would regularly check my email or FB - it's become a habit, and a bad one at that. The craziest thing is that it's become such a routine that I don't even realize I'm doing it... Until I see his face. It's that last little piece of him that I'm still clinging to, and it's pathetic. I realize that I'm also sort of cheating on my NC, and even though I'm not reaching out to him, AT ALL, I'm still not doing myself any favors by obsessively checking the same damn things, over and over and over. It just sucks. I do have hope that there will come a day when I'll have enough strength to completely block him from my life in every way possible... I'm just not there yet, and I have no idea how/when I'll be able to get there. But just as I believe that day will come for me, I believe that day will come for you as well. It's incredibly hard work, but I know it can be done. We just gotta "keep swimming." Oh, and if you can't seem to fight that urge, always remember what Cookie said, pay no mind to social media portrayals. We can make ourselves out to be as happy and worry-free as we'd like others to see us. No one, aside from my closest friends, would have ANY idea I'm going through the sort of agony you described. I put up an excellent front, and I'm sure your guy does, too. Keep your head up. I'm learning that it DOES get somewhat better as every day passes (and with A LOT of positive self-talk). If only time could be fast-forwarded, right?! Just remember that you're certainly not alone. I'm fighting this battle tooth and nail as well. Thank you all for your replies. This particular message has hit home. I'm so happy I'm not alone. I too wish I could hit the fast forward button but I cant. I need to deal with the jealousy I feel towards his gf. I need to stop fantasizing about the life I thought I could have with him and face the reality of what our relationship really was...Everyday is a little easier. We will both get there. 1
Denton2406 Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 I do this all the time, it's not good....I check his whatsapp last seen time and his wife's FB profile, just seen pics of their kids on the beach so am assuming they are on hols, not happy. I does really hurt and it's best we don't do it but it's strangely addictive!
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