From BF/GF to FWB

[WonderYears23]

Here's my story

I'm met my gf (so called) about 7 months ago. Had a great connection and were passionate for one another. We both had the same feelings for one another and she was in love with me immediately. Everytime we were together it was an amazing time. We had sex within a month after we went on a weekend getaway and that was when the deeper connection hit us both. Her and I always had the same feelings about almost everything.

 

Well she wanted to move in together, and being the man I am I got on the ball and found a place to live. It was great at first but I could tell she wasn't the same after a couple months and was stressed about a lot things. Well she moved out, back home to her moms and told me she needed to find herself again. The problem lays that she had a hard time to commit and felt like she couldn't give me enough to be a girlfriend. She never told me we ever broke up. But she stayed up there and I stayed here. She still texts me every day and we talk all the time. We see each other about once a week. She has a hard time speaking her feelings to me and doesn't want me to ever get mad or testy about us because that will stress her out more. There is so much more to this story but I would be here all day writing. I can give more details if any questions asked.

 

But I've played everything out cool as I could be.

 

Well anyways the last few times I've seen her we have the best sex ever and she says I'm amazing.

This past week I went up to see her and before I left we had an outside experience that was awesome because she wanted me bad.

 

But when I got home she told me...

 

I think it's the "break of relationship" helping too. I don't feel pressured to be a girlfriend.

 

I wanna feel single and you are my go to person for kinky fun.

 

So I said you want to be FWB?

 

It's more then FWB, because I do love you. But I wanna call it FWB. Because it's what I can give right now

 

It's the lack of pressure i'm aiming for here. I need this break.

I need our sex and emotional bond. But I need to figure me out. I need you to be close. You aren't just "anyone" to me!

 

I just don't get why this is? Could be many reasons but the obvious is what she told me FINALLY after I've been asking for like 6 weeks.

 

You can go from the top of the world to this in a click of a finger. She is an awesome women and I love her to death. I told her I'm going to continue doing what we're doing and take it day by day.

 

Just a little wary because I don't want to be dragged along forever and then she just says I can't do it anymore. She might be just doing this for the slow fade and move on with her life. Crazy stuff!

 

Women can be so hard to figure out.

[Strength in Healing]

They're not hard to figure out at all.

 

 

You are getting used, and she has someone else. If you have dignity, cut her off. She is trying to have the best of both worlds.

[Zahara]

There's nothing hard about figuring her out. She's being very straightforward with you.

 

You were a guy she feel in love with immediately. That in itself was a red flag. You became the boyfriend and soon after she demoted you to guy she has kinky fun with.

 

She "loves you" but not enough to have a relationship with you but enough to just have sex. She wants you at a distance but just close enough that she can get the benefits that she needs from you.

 

What's sad about this is that you will twist yourself into a pretzel, abandon your wants, obey her terms because you've lost yourself.

 

Fact is you are being dragged and she cannot do it. The difference is that you're just prolonging it. Another thing, she will NEVER feel the loss of you if you are available to her as her crutch. The only way she is going to value you and realize what she's lost is by you being gone, not by you enabling her indecisiveness.

Edited May 14, 2014 by Zahara

[Natsume21]

Here's my story

I'm met my gf (so called) about 7 months ago. Had a great connection and were passionate for one another. We both had the same feelings for one another and she was in love with me immediately. Everytime we were together it was an amazing time. We had sex within a month after we went on a weekend getaway and that was when the deeper connection hit us both. Her and I always had the same feelings about almost everything.

 

Well she wanted to move in together, and being the man I am I got on the ball and found a place to live. It was great at first but I could tell she wasn't the same after a couple months and was stressed about a lot things. Well she moved out, back home to her moms and told me she needed to find herself again. The problem lays that she had a hard time to commit and felt like she couldn't give me enough to be a girlfriend. She never told me we ever broke up. But she stayed up there and I stayed here. She still texts me every day and we talk all the time. We see each other about once a week. She has a hard time speaking her feelings to me and doesn't want me to ever get mad or testy about us because that will stress her out more. There is so much more to this story but I would be here all day writing. I can give more details if any questions asked.

 

But I've played everything out cool as I could be.

 

Well anyways the last few times I've seen her we have the best sex ever and she says I'm amazing.

This past week I went up to see her and before I left we had an outside experience that was awesome because she wanted me bad.

 

But when I got home she told me...

 

I think it's the "break of relationship" helping too. I don't feel pressured to be a girlfriend.

 

I wanna feel single and you are my go to person for kinky fun.

 

So I said you want to be FWB?

 

It's more then FWB, because I do love you. But I wanna call it FWB. Because it's what I can give right now

 

It's the lack of pressure i'm aiming for here. I need this break.

I need our sex and emotional bond. But I need to figure me out. I need you to be close. You aren't just "anyone" to me!

 

I just don't get why this is? Could be many reasons but the obvious is what she told me FINALLY after I've been asking for like 6 weeks.

 

You can go from the top of the world to this in a click of a finger. She is an awesome women and I love her to death. I told her I'm going to continue doing what we're doing and take it day by day.

 

Just a little wary because I don't want to be dragged along forever and then she just says I can't do it anymore. She might be just doing this for the slow fade and move on with her life. Crazy stuff!

 

Women can be so hard to figure out.

 

Dude, there is a gigantic elephant in the room and you are so lovesick you're blind to see it.

 

Put the pieces together.

 

 

Dated, became exclusive, suddenly no longer wants to become exclusive, prefers keeping you on the side.

 

Why is it that you went from boyfriend to boytoy?

 

That's because the boyfriend position has been filled or is preparing to get filled.

 

She's got someone else, dude. This is more obvious than Ricky Martin and Ellen Page.

 

I repeat, she is "single" cause the guy she probably really wants isn't committed to her yet.

 

Been there, done that. This is obviously bothering you so why don't you do the right thing and kick her to the curb?

She's using you.

[WonderYears23]

There's nothing hard about figuring her out. She's being very straightforward with you.

 

You were a guy she feel in love with immediately. That in itself was a red flag. You became the boyfriend and soon after she demoted you to guy she has kinky fun with.

 

She "loves you" but not enough to have a relationship with you but enough to just have sex. She wants you at a distance but just close enough that she can get the benefits that she needs from you.

 

What's sad about this is that you will twist yourself into a pretzel, abandon your wants, obey her terms because you've lost yourself.

 

Fact is you are being dragged and she cannot do it. The difference is that you're just prolonging it. Another thing, she will NEVER feel the loss of you if you are available to her as her crutch. The only way she is going to value you and realize what she's lost is by you being gone, not by you enabling her indecisiveness.

 

I have not lost myself one bit. I keep myself busy working a lot and doing things for me. I'm still myself as I have always been and she still loves that about me.

 

I'm not saying its hard to figure out, I'm just saying that me being myself the whole time and never changed its just hard to deal with at times.

 

But like i said she stresses easy and being in a relationship pretty much her whole life I think she wants time to herself and not have to worry about pleasing someone at the moment.

 

I'm still part of her life on daily bases. She gets upset when i don't keep up with her or her messages. She told me that we aren;t to ignore each other.

 

And for being with someone else, she would not put that extra added stress that she is slowly trying to put away.

 

In this time of part I've bettered myself and have been able to keep up with my daily routines. I never lost myself one bit in this time. I've done alot for ME to make myself happy. I'm just as happy now as when we were together.

[Zahara]

"Busy working and doing things for me" is irrelevant to you stripping yourself of dignity and self-respect because you're choosing to lose yourself -- you wants, your needs, your desires -- for the sake of what she wants, what she needs and what she desires. Of course she loves that about you. You work around her terms. You cater to her. Willingly and happily eventhough this crap actually bothers you.

 

If she wants time to herself, then give it to her. Why are you providing her kinky fun sex service? Are you thinking sex will translate to love, relationship -- change of heart? If she couldn't give it to you then, she most likely won't be able to give it to you now. YOU HAVE BEEN DEMOTED.

 

Of course she gets upset when you don't keep up with her messages. You're a doormat. When you don't keep to her terms, it upsets her. You think she gets upset because she loves you? If she loves you, she will want to progress with you. Not regress. Her "love" doesn't translate to healthy fulfilling nurturing love.

 

And why would she want to be with someone else, when she has someone she is comfortable with, obeys her terms, accepts the terms and doesn't give her a hard time about it? It's easy, it's comfortable, it's perfect -- for her. Why go through the trouble of starting all over with someone else. Added drama and work for her.

 

You are happy now because she's still in the picture. You are hopeful. And if you were truly happy, you wouldn't be on here fearing being dragged along and wondering if there will come a time if she will be able to give you more.

Edited May 14, 2014 by Zahara

[WonderYears23]

I do have to say in the society we live in any more kind of makes everyone paranoid for the worst. Yeah of course I have some doubts but I always look at the positives in all this. And of course no one knows me or her for that matter.

 

I'm happy for her because she got a new job and she is the happiest I've seen her in a while. She was on prozac for two years and just got off if about a month ago and it seems to be better for her because that **** makes it worse in my opinion.

 

I'm not catering to her every need. And before her sex drive was terrible because those pills don't give you any emotions or sex drive. I haven't seen this side of her never. She has been more about me over the past 3-4 days then ever.

 

I think in a way its a fresh start. Not everything has to be negative. If it doesn't work out, yes ill be hurt but I'll get over it and use it as a learning experience.

[inlin]

I do have to say in the society we live in any more kind of makes everyone paranoid for the worst. Yeah of course I have some doubts but I always look at the positives in all this. And of course no one knows me or her for that matter.

 

I'm happy for her because she got a new job and she is the happiest I've seen her in a while. She was on prozac for two years and just got off if about a month ago and it seems to be better for her because that **** makes it worse in my opinion.

 

I'm not catering to her every need. And before her sex drive was terrible because those pills don't give you any emotions or sex drive. I haven't seen this side of her never. She has been more about me over the past 3-4 days then ever.

 

I think in a way its a fresh start. Not everything has to be negative. If it doesn't work out, yes ill be hurt but I'll get over it and use it as a learning experience.

 

Then why are you posting here if you wont listen to any advice? You seem to be dead set on whatever your going to be doing.

[luvshaq]

She fell in love with you immediately? That wasn't love, it was infatuation, a mood. It appears her mood changed. It sounds like you two burned up all your passion in under a year.

[Zahara]

You came here and posted your story. Asked for opinions. Stated your fears. People posted. You didn't like what you heard. Nobody told you want you wanted to hear. So you respond against it. Just go do what you feel is right for you then. If you have the answers there is no need to request the opinions of others.

[John manning]

If shes the one that broke it off FWB will never work for you because you will never be able to fully move on , the physical connection needs to be broken. At some point shes gonna find a guy and you wont even be that to her she will cut you off so coldly.

[WonderYears23]

Thanks everyone. I guess denial can sometime be a little biznicher. So It sounds best that I cut ties with her all around and see if she truly does miss me. Stop catering to her needs. It's crazy. The gf before her was smart, ambitious, life driven but gave too much herself too me and I lost the attractiveness. And this one is down to earth, light hearted and has features I look for but she is lazy, and not driven about anything in life but her mysterious ways drives me to her. Combine the two and were good lol. Anyways thanks everyone for the responses.

[Zahara]

The gf before her was smart, ambitious, life driven but gave too much herself too me and I lost the attractiveness.

 

And this one is down to earth, light hearted and has features I look for but she is lazy, and not driven about anything in life but her mysterious ways drives me to her.

 

Aren't you doing the same thing. Catering to her terms? The thing is, she lost interest awhile ago but is using the familiarity and comfort that she has with you to fulfill her other needs.

 

I think her "mysterious ways" isn't what is driving you to her. I think you wanting what you cannot have is driving you to chase her.

 

Past gf great qualities -- chased you, you got bored.

 

This one shows tepid interest, therefore piques your interest, spurns your ego and you go chasing to be validated. Must be the challenge.

[WonderYears23]

Aren't you doing the same thing. Catering to her terms? The thing is, she lost interest awhile ago but is using the familiarity and comfort that she has with you to fulfill her other needs.

 

I think her "mysterious ways" isn't what is driving you to her. I think you wanting what you cannot have is driving you to chase her.

 

Past gf great qualities -- chased you, you got bored.

 

This one shows tepid interest, therefore piques your interest, spurns your ego and you go chasing to be validated. Must be the challenge.

 

Your good! I know exactly what you mean. She knows what she's is doing because she tells me what she tells her friends what they they to do and not act needy and be the one chased.

 

So what's next? What should I do? Thanks again

[Zahara]

So what's next? What should I do?

 

That depends on what you want. If you want to keep in a sex arrangement with her, with zero expectations, then engage in it.

 

If you have expectations and you want more than just an arrangement, then you have to let go. You cannot sit around and wait for someone to make up their mind about you. You cannot set aside your convictions because you're hoping someone will at some point realize your value.

 

You have to go NC to break the emotional connection you have with her. Regardless of what she wants, you have to prioritize what you deserve. NC on your part isn't going to hurt her. It's going to deny her what she wants and disable her behavior.

 

It's up to you. You can keep living in indefinite confusion and anxiety or you can go NC, feel temporary hurt and pain and eventually move on to healthier opportunities.

[WonderYears23]

That depends on what you want. If you want to keep in a sex arrangement with her, with zero expectations, then engage in it.

 

If you have expectations and you want more than just an arrangement, then you have to let go. You cannot sit around and wait for someone to make up their mind about you. You cannot set aside your convictions because you're hoping someone will at some point realize your value.

 

You have to go NC to break the emotional connection you have with her. Regardless of what she wants, you have to prioritize what you deserve. NC on your part isn't going to hurt her. It's going to deny her what she wants and disable her behavior.

 

It's up to you. You can keep living in indefinite confusion and anxiety or you can go NC, feel temporary hurt and pain and eventually move on to healthier opportunities.

 

Ok. So if I go the NC route and she starts blowing my phone up I just completely ignore there is nothing bad that comes from that? What if she starts stocking or calls my family to ask if I'm ok. Like I said she worries a lot so she is prob going to freak out. So my question is I guess is to just leave everything be and how much time should I allow until she goes crazy??

[WonderYears23]

Or I'm thinking my best bet is that we are suppose to hang out Sunday for a little bit. I'm thinking we do our thing and when it's all over for the day I'll tell her this is the last time that I don't want it like this. It's not all about you and your needs. When or if you come to your senses you let me know but I'm moving on with my life and go out and explore.

[Zahara]

If you are going to have the conversation about going NC, I would suggest you not meet and just do it over the phone. Seeing that you are more emotionally invested than she is, she may manipulate the conversation and change your mind.

 

If she contacts you after you have made yourself clear about NC, unless it's contact about wanting to revisit a relationship and work on it, you can decide but other than that breaking NC is her problem and you shouldn't feel responsible or bad for ignoring.

[WonderYears23]

Ok. So if I go the NC route and she starts blowing my phone up I just completely ignore there is nothing bad that comes from that? What if she starts stocking or calls my family to ask if I'm ok. Like I said she worries a lot so she is prob going to freak out. So my question is I guess is to just leave everything be and how much time should I allow until she goes crazy??

 

If you are going to have the conversation about going NC, I would suggest you not meet and just do it over the phone. Seeing that you are more emotionally invested than she is, she may manipulate the conversation and change your mind.

 

If she contacts you after you have made yourself clear about NC, unless it's contact about wanting to revisit a relationship and work on it, you can decide but other than that breaking NC is her problem and you shouldn't feel responsible or bad for ignoring.

 

Sounds perfect. Thanks so much for the help again!

[Zahara]

Sounds perfect. Thanks so much for the help again!

 

I hope it works out for you. Good luck! Stay strong.

[WonderYears23]

Already starting...she just texted me Hello? I haven't heard from you all day. Everything ok? So hard because she's so damn sweet

[Zahara]

Already starting...she just texted me Hello? I haven't heard from you all day. Everything ok? So hard because she's so damn sweet

 

How is that sweet? She's just checking to see why the FWB hasn't communicated with her. You both are in contact. She thinks all is well. It's nice, rosy, exciting, fun -- she's just reaching out to make sure all is well and you're at her side.

 

All that means nothing when she doesn't desire you to be anything more than someone she has kinky fun with.

[WonderYears23]

Oooo forgot to mention she hates talking on the phone and we hardly ever do. But she just called and left a message worrying about me

[Zahara]

Oooo forgot to mention she hates talking on the phone and we hardly ever do. But she just called and left a message worrying about me

 

Ok Wonder, what do you want to hear? Nothing changes the situation. Either you tell her now about NC or you go along as normal until you see her. Stop playing the game to get some sort of reaction from her.

[BradJacobs]

Why don't you start dating other women and keep her on the side? It's the same thing that she's doing to you.

 

Keep her around until you find a woman capable of being your girlfriend.

 

She doesn't need to know this. Just cut back on communication. Text each other, meet up, bang it out ... then put your time and effort into the ones that you want to pursue a relationship with.