Zapbasket Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 I've only dabbled in online dating, never really taking it seriously. I feel like it's too much time in front of the computer, but maybe that's because I haven't gone on with clear intent to meet someone? So how does it work? You set up a profile, and then what? As a woman, do you approach guys who interest you, or is it better online to wait for guys to approach you? So one party approaches the other via email, and you basically just ask for an expansion of the info provided on each others' profile? How long do you email back and forth for? How many emails a day? Are you emailing with a bunch of people at a time? Then, does it "progress" to instant messaging on the dating site, or can you skip that part? (Seems tedious, and if you show up as "online" when you aren't, you could seem to be ignoring people. Plus, I hate IM.) So then do you exchange phone numbers? Do you make a "phone date," or after a period of email exchanges just decide to move the conversation to the phone? If the phone conversation was promising, how long do you do that until you agree to meet live? And then, what kind of date is appropriate? And when do you discuss each others' intentions? I guess after that point it's offline, so it just goes like regular dating. But if someone could break down the online and phone and first meeting part based on their own experience, that'd be great. I want to try out OLD as a way to meet guys in my small town and just go on lots of dates, more to boost my confidence and test out my "man picking" skills for now than looking for a serious relationship. Not ready for that; still recovering from the breakup of my last relationship. Thanks! Oh, and one more thing: what sites have you liked the best? I've been eying Zoosk and OkC.
bu2002 Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 So how does it work? You set up a profile, and then what? As a woman, do you approach guys who interest you, or is it better online to wait for guys to approach you? You said you lived in a small town, so I'm not sure what your dating pool is going to look like. I'm not sure if the small town you mean might be a suburb of a larger metropolitan area and thus, your pool is larger. If you don't live in a top 20 metropolitan area, then yeah, just wait for guys to email you. If you live in a larger metro area, then I wouldn't put a photo up just yet but put a written profile up and then you start searching for guys that interest you. This will prevent you from dealing with mass emails. Once you've identified guys you are interested in, then put your photo up and you can start messaging them and ignore all other non-interested parties How long do you email back and forth for? How many emails a day? Are you emailing with a bunch of people at a time? Every girl is different, but my experience is that anything longer than 3-4 message exchanges and one of the parties gets bored. Then, does it "progress" to instant messaging on the dating site, or can you skip that part? (Seems tedious, and if you show up as "online" when you aren't, you could seem to be ignoring people. Plus, I hate IM.) IM on online dating sites is worthless. No need for it. He should ask for your number and go from there So then do you exchange phone numbers? Do you make a "phone date," or after a period of email exchanges just decide to move the conversation to the phone? That's up to your comfort level. Some guys will ask you to meet during the message exchange and then once you've accepted, will then ask for your number. It depends on your own comfort zone. If the phone conversation was promising, how long do you do that until you agree to meet live? And then, what kind of date is appropriate? And when do you discuss each others' intentions? Your intentions should be on display in your profile of what you're looking for. For anyone contacting your, their intentions need to match yours. And I wouldn't even spend that much time on the phone. The phone is really a middle man to the process and not necessary other than using text messaging to work out the logistics of meeting. You really need to meet in person sooner than later. As far as a meeting, anything from coffee to drinks is appropriate. I guess after that point it's offline, so it just goes like regular dating. But if someone could break down the online and phone and first meeting part based on their own experience, that'd be great. I want to try out OLD as a way to meet guys in my small town and just go on lots of dates, more to boost my confidence and test out my "man picking" skills for now than looking for a serious relationship. Not ready for that; still recovering from the breakup of my last relationship. Based on what you just said, you will attract guys looking to get laid. If a guy is looking for a serious relationship then you need to cut bait with him asap and not waste his time. Contrary to stereotypes, there are a lot of good guys trying online dating. If you're looking for a friend or someone to chill with, then that needs to be conveyed within your profile, but beware of the type of guy you will attract. Thanks! Oh, and one more thing: what sites have you liked the best? I've been eying Zoosk and OkC Based on what you're looking for right now, I would say Plenty of Fish and OkCupid.
Mrin Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 For me (a guy) it goes like: 1. Email about 3 to 6 "rounds" 2. Swap phone numbers and text. This can go on for a few days or even weeks. The length is determined by how soon we can meet 3. Phone call: actually about half the time there isn't a predate phone call. 4. First date: coffee or lunch or a drink. Do it really soon to see if there is a spark 5. Then it is just like regular dating. Basically for me OLD is all about screening and meeting people with whom a first date might have spark potential. So I try to minimize the amount of time to that first date. Then it is all chemistry from there.
bu2002 Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 And here's some advice for your profile from a guy who has a ton of female profiles Written part - Don't be negative or convey any chip on shoulder attitude - Be unique. Every girl writes "I'm looking for a man who's confident and has a sense of humor". Well no kidding, convey things a little differently. - This is a profile, not a biography or resume. Insert your personality. - Your profile should have some hooks for conversation. if you're most embarrassing moment was once walking into men's restroom, don't be afraid to write it. Picture - At least one clear head shot, and one full body shot - Girls have a lot of pictures with their friends/familly, so if you put one up, either crop them out or make it clear which one is you. - No goofy faces where you think you're being funny, it's not 1
Keenly Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 And here's some advice for your profile from a guy who has a ton of female profiles Written part - Don't be negative or convey any chip on shoulder attitude - Be unique. Every girl writes "I'm looking for a man who's confident and has a sense of humor". Well no kidding, convey things a little differently. - This is a profile, not a biography or resume. Insert your personality. - Your profile should have some hooks for conversation. if you're most embarrassing moment was once walking into men's restroom, don't be afraid to write it. Picture - At least one clear head shot, and one full body shot - Girls have a lot of pictures with their friends/familly, so if you put one up, either crop them out or make it clear which one is you. - No goofy faces where you think you're being funny, it's not With regards to your last point, the most adorable picture I've ever seen on OLD was a goofy face.
sagetalk Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 It's better if you message them. Girls who are reasonably in shape are flooded with messages, you will never get through all that. Just pick the guys you like and message them. Let them take the lead after that though. 1
Author Zapbasket Posted May 14, 2014 Author Posted May 14, 2014 Thanks for giving such a detailed answer. This is great. Okay, some responses and I have a few more questions Once you've identified guys you are interested in, then put your photo up and you can start messaging them and ignore all other non-interested parties I've noticed that a lot of guys, at least where I live, don't have a clue what constitutes a flattering profile photo. Should I rule those guys out? I also notice that many men don't write the kind of detailed profiles that women do. In your experience, does that translate to a bad date? To be honest, so far in my investigating I've not found a single person who really grabs me, whose profile demonstrates serious intent to find someone. Maybe I just don't know how to find what I'm looking for on the OLD medium? In person it's easy: conversation flows, there's chemistry, an electricity in the air and laughter. What does that translate to online? Every girl is different, but my experience is that anything longer than 3-4 message exchanges and one of the parties gets bored. So what do you email about? Do you go for humor, or try to find out more information? How long should the messages be? Even with an empty profile, guys message me all kinds of crap.... You really need to meet in person sooner than later. As far as a meeting, anything from coffee to drinks is appropriate. Any tips for the first date? Do you meet for a happy hour, say, and then after about an hour excuse yourself for your "evening plans" so that you have an out if the date goes poorly? If it's going well, do you cut off after an hour anyway, just for good measure and to leave both of you wanting more? Based on what you just said, you will attract guys looking to get laid. If a guy is looking for a serious relationship then you need to cut bait with him asap and not waste his time. Contrary to stereotypes, there are a lot of good guys trying online dating. If you're looking for a friend or someone to chill with, then that needs to be conveyed within your profile, but beware of the type of guy you will attract. That's the LAST thing I want to attract. I'm not looking to get laid. I'm not ready to dive into another relationship, but that doesn't mean I want to be a booty call. I just want to test the waters. If I were to meet a great guy and there was a mutual sense that this could be something more, I'd tell him that I want to go slow, and build a friendship first. I really want to focus right now on building up my life so that I have a great springboard for a relationship. Maybe, then, I shouldn't try OLD for now? Is there any possibility of attracting good guys, guys who would do activities with me and who would not try to bed me, if I said something like this: "I'm taking some time in my life right now to build a good life for myself here in ___. I have been in several long-term relationships and I feel it's important for me to take this time for myself and not get into something serious just yet. However, ultimately I AM looking for something serious and so I'm not interested in guys just looking to get laid. For now, if we're compatible, I'd like to build up a friendship, doing outdoor activities together and getting to know each other." Based on what you're looking for right now, I would say Plenty of Fish and OkCupid. What about Zoosk? The thing about POF and OKC that creeps me out is that it's public. I don't want people being able to find my profile and connect it to me. That's a large part of why I've stayed away from OLD until now. At least with Zoosk your profile is not Google-able.
Author Zapbasket Posted May 14, 2014 Author Posted May 14, 2014 It's better if you message them. Girls who are reasonably in shape are flooded with messages, you will never get through all that. Just pick the guys you like and message them. Let them take the lead after that though. Is it ok to just ignore guys you're not interested in who message you?
MissBee Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 It's not really that complicated and the timeline is entirely based on your preference. For me, when I was doing it I was serious about meeting someone and therefore wanted to speak on the phone early on and try to establish some type of feel for them in a conversation and if that went well we'd then go on a date. I had no desire to send endless messages on the site or just talk on the phone for ages. Online was simply the way to make the connection but I wanted to take it to the real world fairly quickly, as it is all too easy to fall for a fantasy/or get "catfished" when you spend too much time talking on the phone, texting, talking online before meeting up. I would message men sometimes, more often than not they'd message me first, most of which weren't up to par. But I had no issues messaging a man first or favoriting him if I liked his profile, so he'd know I was interested. That's what I did with my current bf... I favorited him and figured if he liked what he saw as well he'd message me back...in about 5 minutes he did, we talked back and forth for a while, gave him my number, he called two days later, but texted before (and I had in my mind given him 2 days to call me so he was right on target lol), then 2 weeks later we went on our first date and the rest is history! If a man messaged me and I read his profile and he seemed to have what I was looking for and our conversation on the site went well, like with my bf I'd give him my number, either I'd suggest it or he'd ask and that happened within the course of the same day or the next of having a decent conversation.Talking on the phone often would go on for maybe 2 weeks max before meeting up. But I went explicitly with the idea that I wasn't interested in a "textship" "phoneship" or "emailship", I'd had plenty of those before and wanted to meet someone face to face, go out in person and really see where things would go so online for me was simply the way to make the initial connection then if that went well, phone, then after face to face...2 weeks max, barring some other circumstance making it impossible, but if you are near me and I you and nothing is preventing it, then 2 weeks max.
sagetalk Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 Is it ok to just ignore guys you're not interested in who message you? Yes, if they have a problem with it, they will get over it.
guest572 Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 Wow. Don't overthink this whole thing or you will take the fun out of it. Setup a great profile and message people that interest you and respond to messages from those that interest you. Chat for a bit, ask them out or wait to be asked. Thats the online part over and done with. ENJOY !
Andy_K Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 Milestones for online dating (for guys) - 10 messages with no response - 100 messages with no response - 1 month with no unsolicited mail - 6 months with no unsolicited mail - 5 last minute date cancellations you never hear from again - 5 dates who used pictures 5+ years old - 1 complete nutcase that you wouldn't touch with someone else's Achievement Unlocked : Online Dating Veteran 2
PegNosePete Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 I've noticed that a lot of guys, at least where I live, don't have a clue what constitutes a flattering profile photo. Should I rule those guys out? I also notice that many men don't write the kind of detailed profiles that women do. Yes, 90% of guys have terrible photos and profiles. Women are not any better though! I guess you just spend more time looking at guys profiles so you see more bad ones... but believe me, the vast majority of women's profiles are really bad too. That works to your advantage: it's relatively easy to get into the top 10% of profiles, just by making a good one. In your experience, does that translate to a bad date? I wouldn't know, I'd never message anyone with a terrible profile so I've never been on any dates with them. Maybe that's how I've avoided "bad dates" so far. Being very picky. Is there any possibility of attracting good guys, guys who would do activities with me and who would not try to bed me, if I said something like this: "I'm taking some time in my life right now to build a good life for myself here in ___. I have been in several long-term relationships and I feel it's important for me to take this time for myself and not get into something serious just yet. However, ultimately I AM looking for something serious and so I'm not interested in guys just looking to get laid. For now, if we're compatible, I'd like to build up a friendship, doing outdoor activities together and getting to know each other." I regard myself as a "good guy" who is looking for a genuine relationship much like yourself. Something like that would put me off. Don't talk about previous relationships. And don't do the "friendship first" thing, do you know how many guys out there complain about being put into the friend-zone? You're basically saying that you're going to friend-zone everyone you meet. Ugh, no thanks, that would cause me to press NEXT. I'm not looking for ONS but I want a real date, not a buddy to watch movies with. What about Zoosk? The thing about POF and OKC that creeps me out is that it's public. I don't want people being able to find my profile and connect it to me. That's a large part of why I've stayed away from OLD until now. At least with Zoosk your profile is not Google-able. What? Well you don't put personally identifying information in your profile anyway do you? You're not going to put your real name, your address or phone number, so what is going to go onto google that people will find you?
Author Zapbasket Posted May 15, 2014 Author Posted May 15, 2014 I'd never message anyone with a terrible profile so I've never been on any dates with them. Maybe that's how I've avoided "bad dates" so far. Being very picky. Given that, as you say, so many photos/profiles are pretty bad, how much time online do you have to spend to weed through all those crummy profiles to find the one or two you'd actually like to message with? From my voyeur stance on dating sites thus far, I see guys who show up as online ALL THE TIME, practically. I don't want to have to spend so much time online sifting through all that muck. It's depressing as the profiles, after all, represent people and it's just this parade of, sorry, trashiness in so many cases that really makes me feel ICK. So what is the time investment? How long until you find one you want to message with? And then, once you've been on one site for a while, don't you start to see the same profiles over and over? How often do "freshies" appear on the site? I regard myself as a "good guy" who is looking for a genuine relationship much like yourself. Something like that would put me off. Don't talk about previous relationships. And don't do the "friendship first" thing, do you know how many guys out there complain about being put into the friend-zone? You're basically saying that you're going to friend-zone everyone you meet. Ugh, no thanks, that would cause me to press NEXT. I'm not looking for ONS but I want a real date, not a buddy to watch movies with. Ok. Then maybe I'm not quite ready to start this process, because I'm not ready to get into another relationship yet. But let me ask you: even though you're on there for a good, committed relationship, by which I assume you mean one that you could see possibly leading to marriage / long-term commitment, do you ever find yourself on a date with someone who just turns you on that you end up in a fling where you know there's no real long-term potential but the companionship and sex are great? What? Well you don't put personally identifying information in your profile anyway do you? You're not going to put your real name, your address or phone number, so what is going to go onto google that people will find you? I live in a small town. I'm more afraid of people in my town, people I might know peripherally, seeing my online profile because they, too, are on the site. In fact, yesterday at the grocery store I saw one of the guys I've been "spying" on online, with my pictureless, non-filled-out profile. I don't want people I work with / new friends and acquaintances / etc. knowing that I'm trying to get a date and being able to read what I'm looking for, etc.
PegNosePete Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 Given that, as you say, so many photos/profiles are pretty bad, how much time online do you have to spend to weed through all those crummy profiles to find the one or two you'd actually like to message with? From my voyeur stance on dating sites thus far, I see guys who show up as online ALL THE TIME, practically. I wouldn't pay too much attention to the online timers thing. I don't know about other sites but the POF mobile app keeps you logged in all the time, so if you have the app you will always show as online whenever you have internet connection. It might even look as if you're logging in and out if you're say driving a car or on a train through a tunnel. When I set out to find someone, I need to look at around 100-200 profiles to find maybe 10 that I will send a message to. Mostly I can tell a bad profile within seconds, but I'll take the time to properly read a good one, so it might take me 30 minutes to an hour to find 10 good ones. Sometimes I'll just browse idly, maybe bookmark a few to message later. Of those 10 messages I'll get 2 or 3 responses, of which 1 or 2 will turn into a date the following weekend. That's about my average: sometimes it's more, sometimes less. And then, once you've been on one site for a while, don't you start to see the same profiles over and over? How often do "freshies" appear on the site? Yes, well I use POF so there's quite a quick influx of fresh blood because the site is so big and popular. You can set the search to exclude anyone you've already messaged so that helps cut down the familiar faces and avoid wasting time writing to the same person twice by mistake. So far I've never been unable to find enough people to message. But let me ask you: even though you're on there for a good, committed relationship, by which I assume you mean one that you could see possibly leading to marriage / long-term commitment, do you ever find yourself on a date with someone who just turns you on that you end up in a fling where you know there's no real long-term potential but the companionship and sex are great? Yeah, if you're 2 consenting adults and feel the same then why not?As long as you're not deceiving the other person or leading them on then it's all good. I don't want people I work with / new friends and acquaintances / etc. knowing that I'm trying to get a date and being able to read what I'm looking for, etc. Why not? Maybe they have a single friend...
Author Zapbasket Posted May 15, 2014 Author Posted May 15, 2014 Okay. A couple more questions. Is it wrong of me to get on a site and go on dates, etc. when I know I'm on the rebound? Honestly I really want to pull my mind away from my ex, who has begun dating, and frankly I could use the boost of the excitement of meeting new guys. That said, I don't want to get into a relationship. I don't want to sleep around, but I just want to put myself out there and experiment with what's around me. When I moved to this area I was already dating my now ex, and so I never really got a good look at the dating scene here. Also: can I block my ex on the site? I don't want him seeing my profile or even seeing that I'm on the site. Lastly: is it best to join several sites at once? Or go with one at a time? Thanks.
jaycee1 Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 Of course it is not wrong to go online dating if your on rebound. You just have to be honest with yourself and with others what your looking for. The big thing is you don't want to scare potentially great guys off by the ex story or saying your on the rebound. What I did was clearly state I am not looking for booty calls or FWB but at the same time I am not online looking for a husband. Live in the present with no expectations, it makes it more fun. That being said I did go online for many of the same reasons as you. I think I clicked with about 3 of the 15 guys I met. Most were pretty cool guys, I can't say any were bad guys but real life is way different than online. Lots you think you will click with you don't. I also met the guy I have been with for a month now online and things are great. We are only dating each other but its fun, went on a trip together already too but we take things day to day without expectations. My biggest advice is don't stay online chatting to long. Set up meets quickly if you can. Also one a number is given if they start calling or texting trying to get pics or sext you.. don't waste your time. There are tons of sleaxy people online too that try to act like they are good guys. The sexting right away is a clear sign of it. The ones I clicked with the most also are the ones I didn't really like their pics or profiles. In person they just had something about them, and one was they were not good at OLD :-)
ChooseTruth Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 I had been reading advice to exchange a couple of messages and then meet in person. Excessive chatting is bad and risky before hand... Experience is much different for me: 1st date I followed the typical advice and it was a disaster. We hadn't screened enough and it was a terrible date. 2nd Date we chatted a lot before hand on FB (which is a nono) but she didn't look like I thought and I had to back off. 3rd Date....we blew past all the stuff people don't recommend: Long messages sent back and forth, talking about past history etc. 2 very long IM chat sessions. Exchanged phone #s, I texted her saying my internet was down the next night and she goes, "remember when people used phones to communicate?" So I called her and we spent a total of 12 hours on the phone before the day of the first date arrived. We clicked really well. The first date was smoking because we had so much chemistry built up already... I dumped my online dating accounts almost immediately and we've continued seeing each other every chance we get. If it's gonna work, it will work. There was another girl I was supposed to meet, but our emails sputtered and died...it was all scheduling debates. Didn't work. This new girl, holy crap we click.
Author Zapbasket Posted May 15, 2014 Author Posted May 15, 2014 1st date I followed the typical advice and it was a disaster. We hadn't screened enough and it was a terrible date. Do you think if you HAD taken the time to screen more online your date would have been better? Or do you think had you done more pre-screening, the live date never would've happened? In either case, what kinds of things do you think are necessary to cover in online messages before you meet in person?
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