How long to give someone to be exclusive with you? And how to bring it up again?

[tigerdog]

Okay, so I've been seeing this guy for 7 weeks now. We've been actively dating since we met. We started talking online about 4 months ago. We met on OKC. I was relocating to a different country (for my job) and decided to meet new people in the area before arriving. Me and him hit it off online. Upon meeting, we really, really hit it off. Things went a bit crazy when the 3rd week of knowing each other, we spent almost 4 FULL days together (we do work full-time and are professionals so this was a lot). He basically freaked out and basically asked for space and exclusivity. In the process of asking for space he said some stupid things. Nothing dealbreaker worthy but he told me his inner thoughts such as he's worried about our attraction, emotional connection etc. Things that are normal concerns but shouldn't be voiced to your dating partner. Anyway, we got some space and started seeing each other 1 day a week, and by 1 day, I mean usually 24 hours in total since I'll spend the night and we'll spend the next day together. And we limit our dates to Saturday and Sunday.

 

So it's been several weeks since that discussion and since then he has voiced that he is definitely VERY sexually attracted to me. We continue to connect very well and have become even more open and comfortable around each other. He's telling me secrets, asking me for advice on things (even asked me to help him get a gift for his Mom), told me his trust level with me is slightly above what he has with his good friends, and last weekend was my birthday and he definitely spoiled me. There are no red flags that I can see. The only problem is this exclusivity thing.

 

He's done the right thing and has stopped being intimate with me 2 weeks ago. We haven't had actual sex but done everything else so he's stopped all of that. He wont even make out with me too much since we end up taking it too far and he says he doesn't want to make either of us uncomfortable until we are both in a relationship, so holding off on sex for now.

 

The whole thing just feels weird. I'm staying over at his place, we are acting like bf/gf, his friends know about me, we plan future events with each other, communicate about every other day. I even helped clean his place last Sunday! This feels like a relationship but as early as 8 days ago, he was telling me how confused he is (since I again, asked him if we were exclusive). I got a bit frustrated a couple of times and was a bit distant with him and he immediately stepped in line and was calling and texting me a bunch, making it clear he wants to talk and asking if anything was wrong. He's told me several times this past week that he really cares about me and doesn't want to lose me. Oh and I know he's not dating other people. I've made some friends of friends here who go to events he's been to and he wouldn't encourage me to make friends with his friends of friends if that was happening.

 

But I'm really looking for something exclusive. How much more time should I give him? I want to be patient and not be pushy but I have my own needs to look out for too. The more we hang out, the stronger the attachment and the bond, and although I feel like everything is becoming more amazing when we are together, and get that vibe from him too, it's important to figure it out. He's been hurt and cheated on before so I get that he has reservations about jumping into a relationship but not sure when too long is too long. Thoughts?

[todreaminblue]

I feel like everything is becoming more amazing when we are together, and get that vibe from him too, it's important to figure it out.

 

if this is how you feel whether you have said it out loud or not to me it seems like you are already exclusive and things are going well for you both......you dont want to date others, he isnt dating others nor seems to want to and is attentive to your needs and feelings ...to me that is unspoken exclusivity...so to me this is proof without anything having to be said......if you want it said (i feel it doesnt need to be said)..... ....talk to him honestyl abotu what you need and want from the relationship ...what you feel.......in a couple of weeks if you must.....maybe you wont feel the need to.....maybe he might even come out with it.......good luck and relax.....deb

[d0nnivain]

To me exclusivity comes before intimacy & sleep overs.

 

 

If at almost 2 months in you are on different pages you may have to accept that you will not see eye to eye on this issue. You then have a choice to make.

[tigerdog]

if this is how you feel whether you have said it out loud or not to me it seems like you are already exclusive and things are going well for you both......you dont want to date others, he isnt dating others nor seems to want to and is attentive to your needs and feelings ...to me that is unspoken exclusivity...so to me this is proof without anything having to be said......if you want it said (i feel it doesnt need to be said)..... ....talk to him honestyl abotu what you need and want from the relationship ...what you feel.......in a couple of weeks if you must.....maybe you wont feel the need to.....maybe he might even come out with it.......good luck and relax.....deb

 

You might be right Deb. He did mention during the first couple of weeks of seeing each other that he didn't feel the need to have a talk and wanted things to happen naturally. However, the following week, he specifically said that we weren't exclusive just yet.

 

The last guy I was dating was the type who believed that if it wasn't confirmed we were exclusive, then we weren't, no matter how much it seemed otherwise. Because of this my guard has been up and I feel it's a bit necessary to vocalize exclusivity. I never date multiple people at the same time and at this level, would feel highly uncomfortable to do so but after that incident, I realize loads of people do not share that viewpoint.

 

But maybe you are right and I should give it a couple of more weeks and mention it to him.

[tigerdog]

To me exclusivity comes before intimacy & sleep overs.

 

 

If at almost 2 months in you are on different pages you may have to accept that you will not see eye to eye on this issue. You then have a choice to make.

 

Here's the problem and something I failed to mention. He did say we were exclusive. He even asked me to be his girlfriend. Then I slept over and the intimacy occurred.

 

The following week he suddenly felt confused and asked for some space, said he needed to take it slow, and felt we had rushed to the relationship/exclusivity stage. To him, exclusivity means a relationship and that we are boyfriend and girlfriend. To me, exclusivity means we are only dating each other, and then leads to a relationship at some point.

 

He clarified a couple of weeks ago that because we aren't exclusive we could date other people, but he made it very clear hes's not pursuing that and is so invested with figuring things out with me, that he wasn't even in a place to properly date someone new anyway. Just clarifying since we were exclusive and then he changed his mind a week later, to slow things down.

[Assasda]

Well I think you guys are already exclusive.

The thing is that, you were acting like his mother and trying to run his life at first and it scared him off.

 

.... But you guys are already exclusive, I dont see why you need any affirmation to that

[luvshaq]

I met someone recently and we had an fwb arrangement with the possibility of something more. In just 2 weeks she started getting too attached too quickly and getting needy. She wanted to change our fwb arrangement to an exclusive relationship too soon. I called it off because I'm not looking for an exclusive relationship. If I get into a relationship with someone, I want it to because they care about me, not because I'm currently filling some void in their life.

[d0nnivain]

There are no take backs on exclusivity.

 

I'd walk but I have very set boundaries. If after he brought up exclusivity he changed his mind & backed off, I would have said I'm sorry you changed your mind. I feel a bit duped by your behavior. Of course you are free to date & sleep with whomever you want but it won't be me. I prefer men who can make decisions & know their own minds well enough to stay the course.

 

If he immediately walked I'd have said he was a player because it feels off.. . . telling you what most women want to hear (exclusivity etc) then changing his mind.

[Chocolat]

Things went a bit crazy when the 3rd week of knowing each other, we spent almost 4 FULL days together (we do work full-time and are professionals so this was a lot). He basically freaked out and basically asked for space and exclusivity.

 

So he asked for exclusivity 3 weeks in and... what? Did you say no?

 

He's done the right thing and has stopped being intimate with me 2 weeks ago. We haven't had actual sex but done everything else so he's stopped all of that. He wont even make out with me too much since we end up taking it too far and he says he doesn't want to make either of us uncomfortable until we are both in a relationship, so holding off on sex for now.

 

But I'm really looking for something exclusive.

 

So you're no longer exclusive?

 

It's really hard to tell what is going on here.

[Leigh 87]

No man I have ever met has acted this way towards a girl they were REALLY into.

 

No man who has ever been crazy about me needed two months to decide whether or not they wanted a relationship with me.

 

You pick a guy who meets a girl he is REALLY into, and he simply wont need to see/date other women at all.