scooby-philly Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 So, I posted about this in the dating section, but wanted to write a little bit more so I'm writing a new thread in this section. To summarize my experience: I met a woman in January through an OLD site. She's 29 and divorced for a year - I'm 32 and ended an engagement a year ago. We had good conversations for two+ weeks - then just as I was about to ask for her number, she gave it to me first. We talked and then went out - first couple of dates went well. She said she was a bit busy at the time with some personal stuff. I said I understood. We went on 12+ dates through early this month - but they were sporadic and always hard to organize. She cancelled at least once, was late for a few, and several times suggested getting together and then couldn't when she suggested. She started a new job and bought a new condo. To me, that's alot. I respect that and told her so. But she continued to also have "personal stuff" going on - several times stating that she was trying to "help a friend out". Now, she's going to be traveling for her new job - how often I don't know. Scheduling around that would be hard. Scheduling around that and her "personal stuff" would be near impossible. I told her I wasn't looking to rush into things and that I can stand not seeing her often, but that she needed to provide a little more clarity about her "personal stuff". I don't need the gory details. But, I've not met her friends or family so I can't be sure she's not gone back to talking to her ex-husband or her family's pressuing her to do so or she's seeing somebody else as well. Out of respect for myself I said I either need clarity or we can't go forward. I know life isn't perfect. I don't expect it to be. But interest means either commiting to time with a person or at least providing a reason other than "stuff". I grew up having to emotionally support my parents (the surrogate spouse and lost child roles if you know theraphy/psychology) and make major life decisions on my own. I think it's probably a good thing for me just to focus on myself right now and I told her the same about herself - that it's okay to focus on yourself - and she said she was - so why she would be trying to "help people" I don't know. Either that's code for she wasn't that interested but didn't know how to... or she's too afraid of getting hurt or putting herself into a bad spot - not because of me, but her, or she's just not ready. We did get physcially intimate so I'm surprised she let it end. She seemed like the type that wouldn't go there unless she was truly comfortable with someone. So I need to let this drop. I hope I respected her and myself and chose the right and polite way to say - if your life calms down or you care to share - let me know what's going on. I totally, totally understand her wanting to control her life - it seems that she may have had a somewhat similar childhood (in terms of emotions aroused not photo-copied experiences) - and that's what I've been working on for a while now. I truly wish her the best. Anyway - thanks for listening.
darkmoon Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 look for a new girlfriend, one without "stuff"...she sounds depressing and selfish too, or a drama queen, other people have "stuff" ...me and a family member, but we do not put time aside to study it alone, as in "personal stuff"... she is very young, immature is a put-down, but it is clear that she has yet to have lived long enough to not want to pore over bad memories
todreaminblue Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 Did she actually say personal stuff?.....without clarifying what was going on
johnson_j Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 Kudos to you for ending this in a respectful manner. Sounds like she had some business she was hiding or denying.
Author scooby-philly Posted May 14, 2014 Author Posted May 14, 2014 When we first started seeing each other she said she was trying to help a friend out. Wshe got busy with the job and house transition and then said she was still trying to help a friend out through a rough spot and didnt want to say more out of respect for them. That, to me means either something shady or weird is going on or you are not into me enough to at least twll me high level whats going on. I dont think she deals with drama and wont say no to people. I'm just amazed because we had great chemistry and great sex and great conversation. Oh well. I feel bad probably more because I know I should or ltbe old me would have been devastated but after 12 dates you cant tell me whats going on then time to move on.
Author scooby-philly Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 So Not to dig up dead bodies.... And who knows if I'll get a response to this - i think these threads get buried quickly if they don't get a lot of hits. But, to finish my story...I was going to just email her today to say I did feel bad that we parted ways - I wasn't trying to push her into things she wasn't ready for - but a man - not a boy - is entitled after 12 dates to a little bit of information. I'm not looking for juicy details or to pry into personal space between her and her friends or family. I was going to write that hey - was thinking about you and that I just wanted to say that we had some great fun together and if your life slows down a bit let me know. And, of course, she blocked me on the OLD site.e Ok then. Wasn't expecting that - I don't block people unless i think they're fake, scammers, or just lying. That's a first for me.
Author scooby-philly Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 Hit reply too quickly. It's funny. I great great article the other day - if I find it I'll post the link. It was someone talking about a couple they interviewed for an article or book about dating/relationships. The author was stating how "too cute" this couple was and that they weren't originally on his list of people to include. To make a long story short - they were both in their early or mid 30s and had truly found the love of their lives in each other and I thought what the woman said in particular was poingnant, accurate, and really describes the crap going on out there - the woman said she (and the guy agreed true for him) that she had been close to getting married to someone before - and he had all the bells and whistles and that they had a seemingly perfect life - except that is was all rotten at the core and that she finally realized that they wouldn't make it through life together. She didn't want a fairy tale - she wanted someone to be a real knight for her - in her story - in her life. SHe wanted reality. I think that's true for men - in the sense that we look for the perfect package or sweep things under the rug as much as women do - it works both ways. I'm not looking for someone who after 3+ months, 12 dates, sex, and cancellations, delays, and "stuff" involving friends doesn't want to share with me. I want to be her best friend - I want her to look forward to seeing me as much as I look forward to seeing her - and I want her to realize that jobs, careers, money, all that stuff is something you work towards - it's a marathon not a sprint, and that the beginning/end of the day - all you have is yourself and the love you give out - which if you have that special someone you get in return
jbelle6 Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 To me it sounds like she was seeing a few people from that dating site and juggling you all around. That's just my first thought.
flightplan Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 +1 on what jebelle says. Had a similar experience and finally just politely told her it wasn't going to work. She got kind of cranky after that... move on my friend.
Author scooby-philly Posted May 25, 2014 Author Posted May 25, 2014 I agree with the last two posts. I don't think she was seeing someone else - I could tell she was rarely logging into the site. It's a paid one, not a freebie. But, not having met any of her friends I'd say she was either just looking for someone to be at her beck and call or there was family/friend drama she was ashamed about and thought I'd judge her for, or perhaps, just perhaps, there was something going on (even if wasn't anything initiated by her) with her ex. Moved on.
Author scooby-philly Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 To be fair, I will say that it's tough for the educated, professional class today. Don't get me wrong - I'm not complaining. Life is hard for everyone. I grew up relatively lower middle/working class and I spent 6 years in the seminary living a vow of poverty so I think I have my priorities and head on straight. Not perfect, but good enough to find love. But, it's impossible with some folks today (and I mean this for friendships too, not just relationships) You can't have it all. You can't have health, wealth, time with family and friends, time with your significant other, time with your kids, time for work, time to learn for yourself, time to learn things that will get you promoted at work or find a better job, etc. Again - not bashing anyone/anything in particular. But you have to choose. You have to choose what's a priority and what means the most to you. I've always tried choosing my family and friends and found myself disappointed because they don't choose me like I choose them, they don't choose each other so quality time is an issue because choosing one usually means not choosing the other. You have to choose who you are and who you want to become. And if somebody awesome walks into your life, you have to choose. And I've always found that awesomeness is rare and that you can figure out all the other stuff based off of choosing awesomeness. Anyway, thanks for listening and for letting me rant on this.
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